Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
It was something stupid...he picked some post up off the table and put them on the worktop...i asked him not to put them there so he threw them on the floor and I stormed out....when i type it now it seems so trivial but at the time i was furious...and i still am I will carry this for a good while yet...when i get a grudge i really hold onto it and this will really affect me......not in a harming way, but in a way to hurt myself...i wont eat for days now nor will i seek help for my arm. although he angered me i see it as my fault and therefore punishment is due......god talk about bpd and black and white/all or nothing thinking.....this is going to stay with me for a while, dont even want to talk to him or see him
I mean why do i get like this? does anyone else react like i do or is it just me?
Sometimes though it is the trivial things that set us off. I can't cry but then if my mum said to me something like 'clean up that mess' I would burst into tears absolutely nothing, sometimes our bodies just hold it in and it gets let out when we least expect it too, sometimes it is the trivial things like dropping a fork on the floor that sets you off.
I know your not feeling great, but try not to harm yourself. Not eating is not going to improve the situation and you admit yourself you have an infection and you need to get that looked at.
No punishment is due, just lots of love that you need to give yourself Rowie. Please seek medical treatment re your arm by going to a minor injury clinic or the hosp - remember you can stay anonymous, just to get some anti-biotivs and the wound dressed up properly, and nobody needs to be none the wiser?
You don't need to talk to your husband until you have both calmed down, but don't punish yourself, go and have something to eat, it will make you feel a bit better.
Please take care of yourself xxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Thanks Hollz.....its good to know im not the only one, but im sorry it happens to you too.
I feel like i could just burst into tears but i cant because i have my children with me, but i think they can sense when I need to be left alone and thats what theyre doing
I cant eat, im too knotty inside, and im sorry but i wont be seeking help for my infection.....i just cant do it....not now, not after all this
I still think you should, obviously none of us can force you to do anything, but we all care about you and well, I hope you manage to eat soon and your arm clears up, just stay safe xxx
My essay well, I've written 940 words, most of it I feel is rubbish, you know sometimes when you are writing an essay, and you just don't have it flowing properly, well thats how I feel but I suppose I just need to get 40%, I am not setting myself up here to get a first rate pass, although I could if I had had more time, the OU have been pretty good to me by letting me do this and I said on Thurs when I was in hosp, I could have it done by today, so no going back now and if I manage to do it and pass it, I have 2 weeks till the next essay is due, its worth 32% and looks like absolute hell, but oh well, I aint at work atm, so I should try and focus on this..
I have a few more points I would like to add into the essay, so at least all the basic concepts have been adressed, but my word count is going to go way over, so will have a fun few hours later trying to edit it downwards I feel, and that will make it even less fluid to read....
Oh well, I can do nothing but try anyhow...
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Sorry Rowie, I don't know what to say. Apparently I have troubles with black and white thinking but I don't see it as that, I just feel the reactions, which are so intense, does that make sense? Please don't punish yourself and get your burn looked at and treated.
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I've now officially written too much, how does one get from an essay about cultural diversity to stephen lawrence and the macpherson report mmmmm
Essay does not make sense, if I pass this - its a miracle
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
hey carrie, thanks for the idea re rats ill have a think about it:)
sorry your housemate is being difficult, i think people who have not experienced MH issues find it difficult to understand how hard things can be, try not to take it to heart (i know its difficult to say that trust me i do know). Hope your ok xxx
had my app, it was an hour late and i was getting more and more nervous despite having taken some seroquel but it was fine, very nice lady made some suggestions ect without trying to make me run out to work.
*is running rat related ideas through my head* i kind of want to take a pic but then it would only be of one of them...oh confusion
1st draft of essay done, I still maintain its one of the worst things I have ever written, I have 1400 words of pish, ahhh well. I need to edit nowand put all my references in and save it to the correct formats and stuff, so it can be sent.
Got my dinner on too but it will probs take a wee while to cook, so I am going to print off first draft and take it from there.
Good luck with the pictures ferret thats a good idea, lad your appt went well xxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Sorry to jump in the middle of the conversation...but I could really use some support. Have been in hospital 2x in 2 weeks. This last time was not eating or drinking fluids...felt it was the only kind of control I had in my life (if that makes any sense) Just got out today after eating something and drinking a glass of water in front of the shrink. He wasn't goinng to let me come home unless I did that. Have eaten some soup and crackers since I have been home...but still don't have much of an appetite. Losing too much weight according to them. Am going to try and do what I can though since I don't want to be "scooped" again. Thanks for listenning!!!
"I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past"
I'm fine just cut. Have put a dressing on it to try and myself doing more but so tempted and need to close it with steris but because I don't cut anymore, I don't have any in. Argh. Called crisis team and one of the suggested a warm bath - seriously, knowing that I have cut - how stupid are they. How do I calm myself down and stop myself from wanting to do more. Considering going to A&E and seeing if it is busy or not and maybe get them steri-stripped and it might give me time to calm down but it's a waste just going for something I could prob close myself if I had any steri-strips.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Sorry Cyndimck didn't mean to swallow up your post. I'm glad you have managed to have something. Can you perhaps eat at meal times with others but just a little at a time like you have today?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I think it would be a good idea to go to a and e, you will get your wounds steri stripped and
as you say it will give you time to calm down and it will keep you safe from doing anymore
It wouldnt be a waste of time hun ((hugs)) xx
