Life, please... no more

[crazykat]

I am glad there has been some improvement and that you are putting some suggestions into place. Can you talk to your finance about getting him to pitch in with the cleaning? Good luck with your house inspection

[flutterby butterfly]

*huggles big sis* ;)
I think the code word idea is a brilliant one!! I have no advice & sometimes don't reply because I don't know what to say, but I am always thinking of you, hoping things get more positive for you. Living in darkness sucks, & I really am glad you managed to find a little light.

Boo for cleaning! I hate cleaning. I agree ^^ rope in the OH.

xxxx

[Kahlia1981]

Kat & Mara: *big hugs* and thanks for your input. I ended up doing everything but the floors myself and my fiance didn't even want to help with that but I told him he could do the mopping after I vacuumed or he could do them both himself!

I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday (22/06) and it definitely was an interesting session. As a background for a second: Melatonin is produced in our pineal gland in order to assist with us getting a good, full nights sleep. One of the medications I am now on is a melatonergic agent (works on melatonin). Due to my sleep difficulties I posed the question to my psyh: "How does the Valdoxan actually work, and does it affect my nighttime melatonin levels, thereby possibly affecting my sleep?" My doctor didn't know the answer, which isn't that unusual as the drug is fairly new on the market, and pulled out a textbook. He flipped through the book and told me what he could including that it was suggested that patients using Valdoxan should ensure they take in some morning sunlight to assist with adjusting the circadian rhythm.

Whilst he was doing that research he told me that if I ever took it into my head to read a textbook on psychpharmacology I should get one by this particular author who is able to present complicated and complex information in ways that anyone can understand. I don't think I have ever had a doctor of any persuasion tell me that I should look at textbooks to extend my knowledge of the medications I am on. Definitely a first. Also the first time this doctor hasn't been able to give an answer off the top of his head regarding drugs in his field.

My psych doctor wants me to stop taking the benzodiazepine that I take to help me sleep in order to avoid addiction. On the other hand my fiance wants me to keep taking it until a viable alternative is available and worry about dealing with the addiction later. As you can tell I am currently caught in the middle. The problem is that they both have a point, they are addictive and they are the only thing we have found so far that will allow me to sleep most nights - barring nightmares that freak the heck out of me. As such my fiance is going to come with me to my next appointment so he can express his concerns. He is going to offer my doctor to spend a week with me (un-sleep-medicated) and watch my amount of sleep and the difference this makes on my mental health. I somehow don't think he will accept the offer.

I've taken to reading textbooks on the bus when I am travelling any distance. I will also be reading them whilst waiting at the doctors surgery as that often takes hours, and any other place where waiting is possible/unavoidable. The books really do make the bus trips far more palatable as I'm not really seeing any other passengers and it feels as if the trip is faster. I know it's only my perception, but it still makes it easier. When I next get my medication from the hospital pharmacy I will be definitely be taking a textbook along.

I caught up with a friend whom I met whilst we were in the hospital in Cairns together today. It was both fun and exhausting as we met in a shopping centre. Thankfully the shopping centre is quieter than usual because they are renovating, but for both of us being around groups of people - even if they don't form a real "group" - makes us uneasy. We had an hour and a half long chat over lunch, then walked around the different shops and browsed. She is just getting used to the buses and will probably spend a little bit of time learning where all the relevant stops for each bus are, but she is much more confident when using the service.

I was dead on my feet when I got home, and really only wanted to crash out for a bit. Despite that however, we are going to arrange another catch up. The next one will probably be in the CBD if it happens in the next two weeks because the school holidays are starting tomorrow and that is less likely to have an influx of people - school children or otherwise.

Things are continuing on in the way they are going, but there is a little more light coming through the dark place. Thank goodness.

[crazykat]

Glad there is a little more light, that is positive to read. I hope you manage to sort something out regarding your sleep and the medication. Well done for getting through the catch up with your friend even though there were people around.

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks hun. *hugs*

There has been so much going on recently that I'm not even going to bother with most of it. My life sucks ... end of story.

My residual chest infection reared it's ugly head again this week. I had to make an emergency appointment with my GP on Tuesday and for once my chest behaved itself and allowed him to hear the rattle. The unfortunate part is that although he gave me antibiotics to attempt to beat this bastard, he only gave me five days worth. That five days finishes tomorrow morning and the infection is still alive and flourishing. The reason I say unfortunate is that the bug has survived and most likely will now not be susceptible to attack by this, or similar, antibiotic and with the plethora of antibiotics thrown at it since before I had pneumonia last year, we are running close to the border of no antibiotic working on it. Meh.

I've had bad **** coming at me from every side lately and am completely over dealing with it. I'm considering going on a hunger and med strike ... no food, no meds, sounds good to me right now. I seriously can't take any more of the bullshit, but I also know that it is never going to stop. I'm trying to focus on the positives but just can't do it. We are so close to uni starting for second semester, and I am seriously hoping that has a positive effect, but I think that if I'm not careful I'll be starting the subjects from hospital in Cairns. Mind you, that would put an extra spin on things...

I am about ready to try jumping off a cliff or something similar now, but there is one major flaw .... Townsville doesn't really have any cliffs worth talking about. And I have this "thing" about not wanting anyone to find me "messy". Yah I know, weird. I guess it's because of the mess I saw when I cut Jem down all those years ago. I don't want to leave someone with the burden of cleaning it up.

Onto something at least semi-positive... I managed to finish reading all 17 chapters of my statistics textbook and understood pretty much everything I read. A massive achievement for me as I can't remember maths concepts at all - partly because the last time I did them was before the ECT in 2008.

Do you know what I really love? When I start reading a story and something triggers me, right out of the blue. It also makes me want to write again, which is a really bad hobby for me. Very bad...

Okay I need to go for a walk or something or I think I'm going to tear someone's throat out or start bawling and fall into a heap. Anyone wish to flip the coin??

[Kahlia1981]

Well my partner and I had the weekend from hell, made worse by the local public holiday on Monday. But I should explain:

On Friday afternoon my fiance was becoming unwell physical with headaches and developed a fever. I started trying to cook some leftovers for dinner so that he would eat something but as soon as the smell permeated the unit he had to go outside because he felt like he was going to be sick. I had to throw away a lot of food very quickly and wash out all the dishes and so forth in order to reduce the residual odor. I treated him for the fever until some time Saturday morning. The big problem was that he then went psychotic as a mental response to how high the fever was. He only came out of the psychosis yesterday afternoon/evening. We both managed to get some sleep last night and some protein drinks down - we couldn't face the thought of food as I had thrown up massively during the weekend and my fiance wasn't up to it - and tried to get outselves as well as we could.

We ended up at the GP's surgery today and that caused another aggravation as our doctor doesn't want to prescribe us a drug because his system tells him it's four days too early but he only gave us 20 tablets instead of 28. I'm going to have to fight it out with the doctor tomorrow because he can't understand that the computer is not infallible. Something I'm not looking forward to as I'm already at the end of my tether.

Meh. I wish I could be asleep right now...

[Kahlia1981]

Another night awake.
Another mood drop and increase in suicidality.
Another night of planning my suicide in preparation for the set date.
Once again unable to trust my thoughts and feelings and having to continuously reality check everything I feel, hear and experience.


I would seriously love a break from the bullshit and my psychiatric illnesses right now. Nothing much, just a 15 minute rest to allow me to relax and recharge. At present it is looking more and more like I will be admitted to the clinic for ECT over the christmas break. I keep having episodes during the day that are ... dangerous in terms of suicidal thoughts and ideations. My sleep is also negatively affected so that I am sleeping less than I usually do. In addition I am experiencing massive drops in mood that come without warning and make me unable to speak and often to be able to talk on my mobile phone for a few days.

Oh, there is also the psychosis that is starting to creep back in, which isn't really surprising considering the sleep loss and the stress of everything that has occured since I returned from the clinic in April. Sometimes I think that someone has dismantled my mind and reassembled it in a haphazard way. Unfortunately they let a few small but important pieces to go ping off in the corner. Meh.

We ended up going back to our GP on Wednesday (6th July) with what evidence we could assemble regarding the medicine he had refused to write the script for. The surgery has some major problems at present. At least one of the doctors has been de-registered - a co-owner to make it worse - and their computer system is a mess. They also are not affiliated with any of the GP networks which would provide support to the surgery in the case of failures like they are currently experiencing.

This week so far has been extremely chaotic with appointments and things that just need to be done. We did four loads of washing, cleaned the floors, did the groceries and caught up on the paperwork as far as we could. Today I took the time to pamper myself and get a treatment from Ella Bache.

My last uni textbook has arrived and I have done some pre-reading in both my Databasing and Java Programming books. I haven't started re-reading the Statistics textbook even though the other two books are not going to be as much of a struggle, but the pre-read should help incredibly with the unit and also teach me quite a few things that I would otherwise not know. As I'm hoping to enter Honours at the end of my course (given my marks being appropriate) I want to be able to understand and confidentally use and statistically infer from the statistical data set produced.

Last Thursday I received a letter from social security stating that they wanted copies of my academic transcripts from absolutely all of my studies to ensure I was eligible for a particular payment. The pricks gave me one week from the day the letter arrived (or two weeks from when it was sent) to obtain the academic transcripts and so forth. Given that two of my marks aren't available yet there was no way in hell I would be able to comply within the time frame, not to mention the costs involved. I finally had time to ring them today (a 30 minute phone call that cost me $12 because we don't have a landline phone) and informed the person I finally got through to that there was no way the time frame would be met. Meh. So over it all.

I do have to confess that I was absolutely livid when I received the letter, and because of my emotional state at the time I was ready to scream, cry and destroy myself and social security. When I calmed down I was able to rationalise things, recognise that I couldn't control nor change the situation then and there and allow myself and my brain to relax. The strategy does get easier but it doesn't always kick in appropriately. Sometimes the old limbic system definitely hijacks my frontal lobe, and then it's sit down, shut up and enjoy the ride.

Wedding planning is occuring with me searching all over the web and local outlets for white or ivory dresses just to see what is available. My fiance allowed me to buy my second bridal magazine this week as this is a light fortnight financially. We also agreed that I was able to pamper myself with a treatment from Ella Bache skin care and my fiance could get a haircut.

Meh. I'd better go before I talk anyone who reads this to death....

[SoMuchMore]

*hugs you tight*

I'm sorry things are such a mess right now. You really deserve a break from everything. I'm glad you at least got the chance to pamper yourself a little. I hope that all the stuff with social security gets sorted out soon. I would have been mad too, but it sounds like you handled it well, making the phone call and all.

Sorry I don't have advice really. I just wanted you to know that I have read and that I'm thinking of you.

[Kahlia1981]

Laura: Thanks for the hugs and the kind wishes. *hugs you back* The whole last week has been extremely distressing. Meh.

I don't know if this is an effect of the mucked up weeks sleep where I've spent more than 3/4 of the week awake all night or just as a result of the bullshit that's been happening but my mental health is sufferring. On one hand I feel like I should be getting back into anorexia behaviours though I know that I don't want to go there again. The suicidality has increased exponentially along with the mood drop, SI urges and all the lovely stuff that makes me not want to ever get out of bed again. With just a touch of psychosis added the psych brew we are concocting begins to drain the colour from my world and ensure I feel completely out of control. I haven't said a word to anyone in real life about this but I know that my fiance has picked at least some of it up. He keeps asking me if everything is okay and whether I am happy but I cannot bring myself to answer him truthfully. I've also started in-depth planning for my suicide date - which isn't until August. All around me there just keeps seeming to be more and more problems and bad situation. I'm no longer sure what I want to do, what I need to do or what I "should" do. Every option is much like the next and the days are definitely not flying by. I want a break. I want a real break where I can get away from my mind, my body and my soul. Pity there is no way to actually achieve that. *sigh* Maybe I should just give up now...

[Kahlia1981]

I had a lovely surprise this morning when I awoke. My shoulder hurt like hell from the time I woke up. I found myself a position in which it was comfortable but was unable to immobilise it there. I couldn't move my arm from beside me pointing forward at close to a 90 degree angle, or the pain increased exponentially - not a good thing when the "normal" immobilization devices requre the arm to be sitting across the body. I should have checked in the mirror immediately but I didn't think of it until some time later. This I seriously regret because the height difference between my shoulders was approximately 2" drop on the right side. My shoulder had either subluxed or dislocated in a downwards direction and I had to get my fiance to assist with putting it back in place.

Realistically I should have been taken up to the hospital before fixing the problem so that tests could be completed to ascertain the level of the damage. I guess that I'm going to have to leave that for when it happens again. As there was no traumatic event that caused this it seems that my GP is right and my brachial plexus (nerve centre for the shoulder, arm, etc) is compromised in some way. If he gloats when I next see him I will want to smack him in the head, particularly if he listens, says "mmm" and takes a "wait and see" approach. *sigh*

I have now finished pre-reading two out of three of my university textbooks. I think that I will really enjoy the subjects even though mathematics is not my strong point. That subject will bring the challenge whilst the others will ignite my passion. Bring it on!!

[crazykat]

Sorry to hear your struggling, hang in there hun xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks hun.

My GP decided not to listen to me when I informed him that my shoulder had subluxed or dislocated downwards - something that only occurs in 1% of shoulders that sublux or dislocate. I told him that the drop was 2 inches but he seemed to think I meant millimetres or centimetres. He also ignored it when I told him that I was unable to move it from a particular positon due to the pain. He told me straight out that all I need to do is put my arm in a sling across my body. Problem: I couldn't move it into that position, even with my other hand guiding it. For god's sake the bone was sitting well outside the "normal" shoulder capsule, of course it isn't going to have a normal range of movement. He then told me that I should have a warm shower to "loosen the muscles and tendons" and then put the arm in a sling across the body because the shoulder would "slip right back into place". Problem: If I loosen the muscles and tendons, which are/were the only things keeping the shoulder from dropping further doesn't that raise the risk of the shoulder dropping as there is nothing to hold it within or near the now extended capsule?

I have to admit I was pissed off, but that was compounded by his ignoring the fact that my chest infection hadn't disappeared with the last lot of antibiotics he prescribed. If he keeps going like this it is going to turn into pneumonia all over again. He likes to keep leaving my now 1.5 year old chest infection untl it gets so severe that he can't avoid treating it. He's ****ing dangerous and so now the hunt is on for a new GP.

The search is hampered quite a bit by my pain relief meds. Any GP who takes me on has to be comfortable, and willing, to become my sole prescriber for the narcotics. This is going to make things incredibly difficult on quite a few fronts. In additon, we are going to have to find a GP that is willing to discretionarily bulk-bill one of us at least, and we cannot let our current GP know that we are looking to change. He's barely treating us now, except for in certain pet areas, but things will become extremely difficult near the time of the split. If one of us changes and the other doesn't it is extremely likely that he will refuse to treat the one who remains. He has a massive god complex and if he gets wind that we are intending to start proceedings with the HQCC to get him brought into line ... let's just say it would not bode well.

My nighttime sleep has been getting less and less lately and I am frequently spending two or three nights completely awake. This isn't helping the situation we have at the moment, which is major instances of psychosis that are becoming scary and disturbing. My fiance got in touch with my psychiatrist today to find out what he would like to do because everyone knows this can't continue in this way.

This Friday I have to send my scholarships supporting documentation down to the uni. I am seriously hoping to be eligible and approved for some form of bursary/scholarship but will not be overly disappointed if it doesn't happen. I can always try and in first semester, when the majority of scholarships are available, instead of for mid-year which only has an extremely limited pool of options.

Speaking of uni, I received my results from the subject where I had a deferred exam. Another HD which sees me still sitting on a 4.0 GPA and a WAM (weighted average mark) of approximately 84. Not brilliant, but not too bad either I guess. I would really love to see the WAM lift quite considerably when I begin doing subjects that I am actually interested in, and have a passion for. Thankfully in both of my majors there are subjects from that category, with a minimum of ones I am likely to hate. In addition, because of the two subjects already undertaken with that uni I no longer have any electives to stress about.

I really need to get my arse into gear and pre-read more of my final textbook. Things haven't been going so well so the priority of it has dropped, but there are only a couple of weeks until uni begins and it can't be put off forever. It seriously is just one thing after another at the moment. *sigh*

[crazykat]

I think your right in hunting for a new GP, the current one you have doesn't sound too helpful. Good luck in the searching. I hope you hear back from your psychiatrist soon so something can get sorted for your sleep. Good luck with applying for the scholarships too, I hope you get something. Your marks are good, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. You've done well.

[Kahlia1981]

Well it's O Week and uni goes back next week. I've been onto the websites for the subjects I am doing, have read all the textbooks and am ready to begin. I've even looked at the prac material for the subject that begins tutorials and pracs in the first week, and am eager to get started on it. I'm not supposed to study after about 18:00 in the evening so that I don't wind myself up when I'm supposed to be sleeping....

Speaking of my sleep... My psychiatrist prescribed me a medication that is supposed to assist with quality of sleep in the elderly to see if that would make a difference. We aren't 100% sure whether it provides or promotes melatonin production, or stimulates the melatonin receptors in order to achieve the sleep effect. [For anyone unaware, melatonin is the hormone that governs our sleep facility - after being produced by the pineal gland.] I've had 2 nights in a row now where I slept the whole night through. I also have been extremely tired on both days leading up to it, but we are still watching to see what happens.

It appears that they have burnt off both of the hills in my city - one at one end, the other at the other. There is ash flying everywhere and we are always trying to clean the ash off our tiles, the washing machine and any laundry which is unlucky enough to be outside on the line or in the basket. We are quite literally getting ash from everywhere, but it really doesn't make you feel crash hot when it is drifting all over the toilet etc..

My shoulder subluxed for the 3rd time on wednesday (20/07/11) which was, in some ways, quite lucky. I had 2 doctors appointments that day -1 with my psych and 1 with my GP. Because I was seeing the GP we were discussing whether to take me to the emergency department or wait until we saw him. We decided to leave it out until after we had seen the psych, who was convinced that the wait at emergency would be less if we went to the GP and got referred to emergency than going straight there ourselves. As a result we headed out to see the GP with my shoulder still sitting at the bottom of the socket and he decided to be proactive. My fiance believes that he realised that he'd screwed it big time when I went to see him about a 2-2.5" drop and he wasn't interested. This morning I was referred to the Orthopaedic Clinic at the hospital.

Literally just one thing after another at the moment. I guess I should be glad that life is never dull.

[Pomegranate]

Wow, sounds like there has been an awful lot going on for you recently. Well done on getting so prepared for uni though, that's great :) And I am glad you are pushing for your physical health needs to be met as well. How is your shoulder now? Did your psych help?

[Kahlia1981]

Emma: Firstly, *massive hugs*. I know you haven't exactly had it easy lately, and I want to thank you for taking the time to drop in and see how I was going.

I have now slept at least 4 hours a night for a week... I have never really slept all that well but this is basically unheard of for me - at least since I was a teenager. Things are moving along here with at least one spectacular, anxiety-producing, event every day. Although I have quite a bit of relief in terms of hallucinations and depression, there are other areas of my life where things are completely and totally out of control.

Meh. In terms of my shoulder, I have not yet received word that the hospital Orthopaedic department has sighted my referral. I'm not really expecting it for a week or so. To be honest, I have put in a request for release of my file at all health centres in the city under the Freedom of Information act. The basic reasoning? Since my shoulder was only operated on two years ago I would like the notes from then until the present day. I now have two scans that clearly show my bursitis that the Pain Management clinic told me didn't exist. In addition there are a lot of "sections" of my file that we are suspecting have been destroyed. Not to mention that if I do manage to take myself through the private system I will need the notes the anaesthesiologists made from both my surgery and my ECT. As I tend to wake early, I don't need a surgeon finding that out the hard way.

My shoulder has actually been behaving itself fairly recently, but we cdon't know how long that will last for. Like everything else in my life at present, the only way we shall see how some things turn out is to be in it to the end. I really wish it didn't have to be that way though.

I saw my psych doctor again today. He was surprised that I had slept and that my suicide date had changed, but both he and my fiance made suggestions that I really was not that excited about. I know that my psych wants me to have ECT again so that I can have a fresh start and re-try my medications. I don't wish to have ECT and have in fact informed both my psych and my o.h. that I would kill myself before I had ECT again, and if I was forced to have it, I would kill myself afterwards. I'm not joking either.... the last time may have saved my life, but it robbed me of what made my life worthwhile. I am NOT going through that again.

I've completed all my uni work for this week, and am starting on the readings and so forth required for next week. My fiance keeps hinting that I shouldn't do study but should do whatever he wants me to do, but I have to confess that is starting to wear thin. As is his way of encompassing me in everything stressful that happens to him, and his nice little habit of pretending to not hear me and basically telling me that anything I know or think is unimportant. Sorry, really not having a good day for that today.... It's only happened about six times today.

Meh. Sometimes I really do wonder why I even bother... My feet are covered in blisters (including the sole), I have bruises turning up all over my body, I'm beginning to feel like telling the world to get stuffed. Now I'm going to bed...

[crazykat]

*Hugs* Sounds like things have been incredibly stressful but despite everything I think you are managing it all fairly well. I am glad the melatonin is helping with your sleep, I have been just given some to see if it helps so am hoping it will. I hope you hear back about your shoulder soon. Also good luck with your study

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: I hope that you are getting some good effect from the melatonin. Thanks as well for your post and the good wishes contained within it. *hugs*

Well it has definitely been an interesting week. On Friday last week (29/07/11) my assignment for one subject (data management) was released. The assignment required intensive research for data collection purposes and the transfer of this to a format they specified. The entire assignment was done and proofread on Tuesday. Unfortunately I am unable to submit it until next Monday. :(

All my university studies are up to date, and I have pre-read the material for two of the subjects so that I am prepared for the coming week. The amusing thing about my statistics subject is that the tutorial and lecture slides are obviously unchanged from the semester 1 version. The date for submission of the first assignment is listed as April 1st....

This last week has been exceptionally chaotic and, in some places, unpleasant. Last Thursday my fiance was served with divorce paperwork from his estranged wife. My father, who worked at the Family Court for over 20 years, took a look at the paperwork to see if there was need for an adjustment or resonse. He said that although there were plenty of discrepancies in her answers it wasn't necessary to do anything about it so my fiance should just sit back and wait for the divorce certificate to arrive.

The good thing about the divorce being settled is that we can now truly begin planning for our wedding. We were at a park last week that we would love to get married in, and we have now made enquiries about whether it was available and how much it would, potentially, cost. The park cost is $100 per hour and it is available when we would like to use it which allows us to add it to the wedding budget. Now we just have to find the money lol.

Speaking of financial matters, we have had a major blow out of our budget this week. I require a webcam for university for two of my subjects and we had to buy it this fortnight so that I can begin using it when it is necessary. After that we had an electricity bill where our pensioner discount had not been applied costing us over $200. Our normal electricity bills are less than $150 so this is a major hit for us financially. In addition our medical expenses increased by more than quadrupling the amount we budgeted for. We have had to accept charity in the form of a food parcel in order to pay all the bills and still survive.

On the positive side, I have submitted my application for pensioner education supplement and all the extra paperwork that they asked me to submit. My fiance lodged an application for carer allowance which is also awaiting a response. If these payments come through they could increase our joint income enough for us to get our heads above water. *sigh* The really good news though is that my fiance now has a job that he begins next Monday. We are really hoping that all goes well there too.

We rang the hospital today to see if my referral to the orthopaedic clinic had been received and/or processed. It has not yet been triaged and we were advised that the triage process would not occur until next week. We informed them that we would call again next week and thanked them for their time. I have the feeling that they will stall as long as possible.

Well I have to get on with things because my desk is a mess. I am really hoping for a night where I just crash out. *sigh* I am a bit over all the bullshit that is going on right now.

[crazykat]

It sounds like you are really keeping ion track with your schooling which is great. That's crappy about the bills, I hate when that happens. I hope your applications with centrelink get approved and that's good your partner now has a job. I hope you don't have to wait too long for your referral

[SoMuchMore]

*hugs*

Thinking of you hun.