I love you. I miss you. I love you and I'm scared to death of feeling this way. I'm watching every word I say. And now I might be coming across sounding a little bit cold or distant. I didn't want that. But I'm losing the plot here. And I really don't want you to worry about me, but I don't know if that's right.
I still feel out of place, like I don't belong, and maybe I never will belong. And I feel crazy because the things I want, these dreams that set off sparks in my heart, they don't seem to match up to the real world. Maybe I just don't know who I am. But these goddamn dreams... I don't even want to speak of them. I'm so scared. I'm terrified of being shot down.
But then I think of the risk you took, the first time you told me that you love me. And how I probably never would have been the one to say it the way you did -how I'd have kept quiet, out of love and respect for you. Maybe this is the same. Maybe I don't want to say it because I don't want to be the one to propose upsetting your life in any way. And I'm scared that if I say anything about it I might lose you. You can be far too quick to say "Maybe I should go." and I don't know what that means.
I'm sad because there's nothing for me to look forward to in this life. I really need something -anything. Why can't there just be some random thing that could make me happy? I would like if I could logically decide on something, and have my heart agree with that choice. It just doesn't seem to work that way.
Also, it took me at least 3 hours to write that pitifully small email to you. I was trying to be happy, for you. It's not fake. It just wasn't flowing. I cried a lot, because I miss you. I'm really so proud of you. And I think about you all the time.
God is the only one who sees me as beautiful now, and the eyes of God are the only eyes I care about...
All you want me to do is be alive. You won't let me go, so I have to live..I'm living so what's your problem? Yes it may not be perfect doing what I'm doing, but I'm living. I thought that's what you wanted ! I don't want to lose you..but come on, I can't give it up..and I know you can't be there 24/7 whenever I need the help to give it up. Just be happy that I'm alive...That isn't too much to ask is it?
'Coincidence...it's what the Universe does for...fun.'
The Doctor
I like her, dad. I really do. You don't have to worry about me. I love how she makes you happy and she's actually an awesome person. I'd love to have her as a mum. Please don't worry about me, we're going to have fun tomorrow. You don't don't have to feel guilty about mother; I certainly don't.
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
I was doing so well til you told me what had been said.
I don't blame you though. I wanted to know and now I understand why you and mum are doing what you're doing. It makes sense
I'm angry that you came back to town. Angry that you hung out with MY friends. Angry that you would skip town and never look back just to come back. I'm angry that after so many times I've called you and you ignored me, I left tearfull voicemails, sent texts...all ignored...that you would suddenly call me and apologise, try to get back in my life, tell me you still have feelings for me, ask me to hang out. I'm angry you would expect me to trust you. Angry at how you broke my heart.
But my heart wants to believe you, wants you to sweep me back off my feet....treat me like a princess...love me....
"If you don't stand for something in your life, then you will fall for anything"
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
I only dream of the day you come save me, the day you put your arms around me and make me smile...and take me home. I only live for the day you take me home and free me from this hell. I only dream...but do you know? Do you know what I dream? Do you know you're the only one who can save me?
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
everything was going finee ,
I mean I thought it was,
I thought that maybe we had something there for a second
of course I was wrong as usual
I dont get it.
we kiss and then you leave
yeah, and I was the one worried about hurting you.
im so stupid.
"his face says a million words... they're just not the words I want to hear."
Longest without SI: 10 months
Last SI: January 29th 2008
Last Purge: May 2008
You two need to figure out just what you want. If you both don't put in equal effort your relationship is going to fail miserably. As for the crap about me at least living in the same city as my boy, you don't even know. At least you get to talk to each other every night. Mine's a little busy with a thing called work. I love you both, you're my best friends but you;re acting like three year olds and I'm sick of it.
DB- I love you. You don't know how much it hurts me to know you're having a bad day. I really hope I can make it better tonight. You can make it through this.
I'm honestly sorry,
When I did it , I didnt even think of your feelings
and now you're the one I want
and I cant have you.
why do I do these things to myself.
"his face says a million words... they're just not the words I want to hear."
Longest without SI: 10 months
Last SI: January 29th 2008
Last Purge: May 2008
Omy my gosh. Why am I letting you do this? Why am I letting you **** with my head this way? ****ing why? Argh. I can't take this, I really ****ing can't. Another night, staying up worrying, til i'm sick of my thoughts. Can I just sleep and forget about this, please? I'll ****ing beg.
You can't lose hope when it's hopeless.
You gotta hope more,
then put your fingers in your ears and go,
"Blah blah blah blah!"
i sometimes wish someone could read my mind.
other times i dont.
i wanted to scream earlier, saying i couldnt cope any more there was no way i could do it. nada. finito. how am i gonna stand up there tomorrow and act confident whilst they are watching me?
i feel like people know. i wish i'd never opened the paper and read that article either, brave person though she was it made me feel crap.
Sash, did you read the letter when you found it folded? I hope not. Because if you did thats more hiding we are doing from each other, and I cant bear this. but on the other hand what would you do if you knew?
talk? listen? give me a hug? tell me everything would be alright? or the opposite? tell me to get out? shout? not understand?
depression isnt in your psyche and its hard to live with someone who is ifyou dont know how. but please try and understand. im on the pills im trying but it doesnt always work. i wanted to do something quite frightening but then I thought of you its your house and you couldnt even begin to understand. not like this.
so could you start now? somewhere? please? dont be critical just try and help, and if you knew that would help even more because my parents dont (and can't!) and i feel alone. even when surrounded.
how do you think that feels?
you probably cant answer that. but thanks anyway.
i'm coming downstairs in a bit and we will go out soon.
please try and help. if you can.
