The mental health team want me to have bereavement counselling.
I feel so stupid for needing it, but I think I do.
I feel like I should have moved on by now. It was over a year ago. I know it's just part of life. It's a horrible, horrible part of life, but I know it happens to everyone, and I know it was worse for everyone else.
But I can't get what she said out of my head. I know she was just angry and trying to hurt us, but that doesn't take it back, that doesn't get it out of my head.
What if she was right? My mum said she said you didn't want us to go up there for Christmas. I know it's not true. You were going to come down for Christmas, it was all planned way before that so I know you wanted to spend Christmas with us, and I know you wanted us up there, you were so close to my mum.
What if she was right, we didn't notice something was wrong soon enough? I don't think that's true either. No one knew you were ill, not until it was too late. They thought it was just arthritis, but it wasn't. But they did everything they could. Everyone did.
But it doesn't stop the guilt. It doesn't stop all the 'what if's.
I love you so, so much. I want to raise as much money as I can in Race For Life this year. I'm going to run it if I can. For you.
I miss you. xxxx
I love you Pop. This weekend is going to be hard.....the first Easter without you.... I know that you would want me to be happy....and I try, I really do, but my heart aches that you're not with me anymore......
I don't know if I believe in Heaven. I don't believe in God, so I don't really believe in Heaven, but I want to believe that you're somewhere, so I'm going to think that there is something, for now.
If there is something, then maybe you're watching us. Maybe you know what is going on at the moment. I'm scared. I keep thinking about how ill you were, how much pain you were in. My mum isn't like that, she's fine, she seems completely fine, completely normal. But I'm scared. I'm scared she is going to be in pain. I'm scared the chemotherapy will hurt her. I'm scared she will feel ill. I'm scared that it won't help. I'm scared they won't be able to remove the tumour. I'm scared of losing my mum.
We have to be positive. We have to keep thinking there's a good chance that everything will be ok again in time. But it's scary. Please don't let anything happen to my mum, not yet.
Juston, I know people have no idea why it has affected me so much that you're gone. But you were my shining star. No matter how frustrated I pretended to be everytime you called me complaining about Jonah, I loved those calls. I loved you harassing me everytime we worked together.
It's just not the same anymore. You left such a huge hole in Capetown... WHY? It wasn't your time to go, J. We miss you and love you more than you ever knew <3
Grandma - every holiday that goes by I'm reminded that you're gone. I don't care that it's been nearly 4 years. I still think of going to your house every time I'm in that end of town. It breaks my heart all the time... it seems so real, like I can just drive over and spend a few nights at your house. I love you so much, and I don't think you ever fully knew that. I don't think I ever made it obvious how much you meant to me. Sure, you were hard on us... but you toughed us for the future. I miss you. So. damn. much. I wish I could see you one more time, one more curling bonspiel, one more Christmas at your house with everyone there. Christmas has been boring now. I don't even care if it comes or not. The presents mean nothing. I'd exchange it all to have you back. I really miss you. <3.
If someone ever says to you "You need to stop thinking so much," call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have. If you stop using it, it will atrophy.
Steph...I can't believe it's been a year since you've been gone. 21 was too young, you had so much left to give in this world. So many kids lost the opportunity to be taught by such a wonderful girl, a wonderful teacher the day you got taken from us. You were so full of life, so happy, you had such a thirst for everything you did. It's wrong, it's just so so so wrong.
Hope you still have that amazing smile on your face.
Katie, it now marks six years since you went away. I hope you're okay up there. I miss you so much :'( I wish you were here. I need you. Help me get through today, please? Look out for my balloon sometime this week & Lotti's on Wednesday's. She's put your name on it <3
Grandad nanny is not well at all please look over her and make sure she is ok, im not ready to lose her yet you know that right?
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
Thank you for bringing me him.Although youre not very ****ing subtle picking someone with the same name :P
I still miss you and wish I could talk to you just once.You know Im sorry....I wish it had been different.
Love you always.xx
There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you.
But there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.
I aint no abacus but you can count on me.
Please don't be disappointed in me. You never saw the worst bits of me in life and it must be a shock to see the real me. I'm trying to live my life, to be useful, to be someone you'd be proud of. Sometimes it just doesn't go right. I miss you so much. Love you.
Location: In a glass vial in the pocket of a beautiful mind.
I am currently:
My beautiful little boy, I know you're safe and I will always love you.
rhap·so·dy - an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm. ♫
"Sacrifice is the most you can love someone." ♥
“Love was at best an excuse for stupidity, at worst a destructive, dangerous emotion that drove men to acts of annihilation which defied logic. It was a twisted, insidious sentiment used to justify everything from spoiling a child to destroying entire civilizations.”
Tracy. I just want to say how inspirational you were. Swimming last night was so hard, so very painful, yet doing it made me feel so alive and free, and I know that's how you felt about it too. I'm going to try to stop feeling so sad. The nature of your death was horrific, and that's what I'm struggling with most (and your two boys, of course), but I don't think you will have suffered for long, at least. So please, rest well. I am going to try my best and live my life as full as you lived yours. And I'm going to try to smile more and more broadly at other people!
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I miss you Granddad. I miss your smile, your laugh, your cuddles and your words of wisdom. I miss your cooking, your humour, your security... I miss the twinkle in your eye, the smile on your lips and the wisp of hair on your almost-bald head. I love you...
I think about you all the time. I miss you and sometimes I forget you're dead and start thinking about something and it hits me like a bullet in the heart. Do you know that I'm screwing my life up? I hope you don't, that would be worse. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet and it's been years and I'm NOT ready. You were supposed to be at my graduation, my wedding, meet my first child...It hurts.
Location: In a glass vial in the pocket of a beautiful mind.
I am currently:
And I worked it out, why there isn't a word for a parent who loses a child, like there is for a parent-less child, or a lover who loses their other.
Death doesn't stop you being a parent.
rhap·so·dy - an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm. ♫
"Sacrifice is the most you can love someone." ♥
“Love was at best an excuse for stupidity, at worst a destructive, dangerous emotion that drove men to acts of annihilation which defied logic. It was a twisted, insidious sentiment used to justify everything from spoiling a child to destroying entire civilizations.”
I still miss you. Maybe I miss you too much. Maybe I've never let go. Maybe I can't. I was the one that 'grieved well'. Basically, I didn't grieve at all. I blocked you out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. Your death still haunts me, but I'm too cold to cry. Too empty.
I love you.
There are remarkable things all the time, right in front of us,
but our eyes have like the clouds over the sun
and our lives are paler and poorer if we do not
see them for what they are. If nobody speaks of
remarkable things, how can they be called remarkable?"
