Maybe it's worth a try. I have been on sertraline a long time. Will mention it with Dr A.
Crisis team person was good. They suggested there might be a way to get psychology to pay for me to have EMDR privately and he is going to suggest that to GPm
But not getting anyone checking in again. Think because I said I could probably reach out if things got too much. I did forget to mention reaching out has been getting harder.
Spent most of the afternoon dozing. So drained. Like beyond fatigue. Still suicidal but no energy to do anything about the thoughts. Haven't even got of bed since I woke up feels too much effort.
Considering using the time my partner is out at the dentist this afternoon as an opportunity to harm or to act on the suicidal thoughts. Last night I was sold on the idea and definitely going to harm in some way. Today I am not so sure but it's still tempting.
Talked with local crisis charity last night and agreed to try calling them before acting. But yeah...
I know it's hard but please do your best to keep reaching out when you are tempted to act. Self harm or suicide could go really wrong. I get that you must be fed up of this fight and want to give in but it's not worth the risk.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Didn't harm in the end spent almost the entire time partner was out on phone to charity crisis line. Was honest, they tried to help me come up with some distractions but in the end they could tell I wouldn't be safe off the phone so they kept me company and talking.
Now partner is back. He was going to go on his walk but I said I needed him here for now.
I am sad / mourning the lost opportunity to harm. But safe which is probably a good thing. I did elbow a wall while on the phone but otherwise resisted.
Nervous about GP appointment tomorrow. It's on the phone tomorrow afternoon so while it's scheduled for 4:45pm on the system could happen anytime between 2pm and 6pm.
Dr A has always been really good in the past for both mental and physical health but anxiety is a thing. And CMHT discharging me straight after assessment has been hard. Just need to work out the plan and what we are going to push back on if anything (I think probably will on EMDR at least).
Also I spoke to my OT yesterday and let her know CMHT had discharged me back to GP and she said she would discuss with neuropsychology as we had planned for CMHT to manage things mentally but mental Health has an impact on FND so if CMHt won't maybe neuropsychology can or they can push back to CMHT and say we think she needs x.
Still had a head full of suicidal and self harm thoughts today but have managed not to act on them. Did get close this morning but threw myself into distractions instead. Wish I could just decide not I once and they would go away rather than constantly be debating it.
It sounds like you have good people on your side, I really hope they can sort something helpful for you. I understand how hard it is to battle self harm and suicidal thoughts even when the strong urges settle a bit. You are doing amazing. Your brain needs to be kind and give you a break.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It all got overwhelming this morning. Ended up calling first response as didn't feel safe. Think even while on phone to them I might have acted on thoughts if I hadn't had a non Epileptic seizure which then woke up my partner. I did hit myself in the face and bite my hands while talking to them though.
After seizure went to bed and slept for a few hours. Feel maybe a bit brighter now. Thoughts are less overwhelming at least.
Going to do my best to be honest to GP and work out where to go from here.
It's really important that you are honest with your GP, please do all you can to make sure that you are. I'm glad your response to feeling unsafe was to pick up the phone. Keep doing that. I hope things continue to be less overwhelming.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Call wasn't massively helpful as there isn't much my GP can do. Plus for some reason I find it a lot harder to speak to my GP on the phone than in person. Not like this with everyone but am with my GP.
But we have a plan for me to contact the IAPT service I think won't accept me for EMDR / that my neuropsychogist didn't think was suitable and get confirmation that this is the case. Because once we have that in black and white then GP can use that to pushback and advocate for me to get EMDR somewhere. Have to jump through hoops to show their suggestion is wrong basically.
Going to leave meds as they are for now as sometimes they are doing more than you realise and coming off one that has worked in past to switch while struggling can be risky. Venaflaxine might be worth a try but see if we can get things a little more stable first.
Keep reaching out when I get suicidal / get self harm thoughts. Didn't overly discuss thoughts, he asked why I think things are worse at the moment and I said think it's tied to EMDR situation / lack of support I had hoped for and not feeling heard in CMHT assessment. As well as stress of being stuck in this cycle of bouncing in and out of hospital with asthma.
Realised I forgot to mention that first response had mentioned trying to get support from Primary Care Network mental health nurse while I wait for support worker will try and remember for next week.
Have a follow up call in diary for next week. Tired of the system and not super hopeful but I keep trying
It sounds like you did manage to talk through some things and have plans. Maybe not the exact things you want/need right now though. At least you're getting some regular contact with the GP for now.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I guess there are plans it just nothing that helps now and things are hard right now. I don't know what I was expecting, I know there is no magic solution. But I just feel really down and defeated. And like I didn't properly communicate just how hard things are right now.
I know what it's like to hold on for appointments etc and wish something would change quickly but there are no quick solutions. Do none of the techniques you have learned help at all? What's the best way of communicating for you? Can you try and take some time to prepare for your next phone call?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I really badly want to self destruct but at the same time am still fighting it. Locked myself in the bathroom for a minute intending to use that as an opportunity to harm but partner got concerned and so I came out again without doing anything.
I am getting closer to acting on thoughts. But I am still not.
I am meant to be running a roleplaying game tonight. I want to do it I want to have fun. But fun and enjoying myself feels impossible with how I feel but I don't want to cancel again. You know what I have decided I will try.
Last edited by long road : 03-02-2024 at 12:31 AM.
Didn't harm yesterday. And manage dtibhave fun running the RPG. Felt proud of myself for making the positive choice rather than self harming.
End of last night I had 3 or 4 seizures in a row which has left me worn out and achy today. So staying in bed for now. Mentally still tempted by harm but don't feel as close too acting on it as last night. Today if I did it I would maybe be one cut once last night I wanted many many cuts.
Well done with yesterday. I'm glad you also managed to have fun. I hope you can do it again soon. That's a shame about the seizures, have a restful day. Try to focus on recovery rather than harm although I guess it might be hard if you're not able to do much and you might think about things more. Do all the safe things you need to do.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I slipped up and cut earlier this afternoon while my partner was out. Managed to stop at one and ring first response. But it's not the best sign as usually I would phone before I harmed not after.
Managed to tell partner after I got off the phone. First Response person wanted to talk to him and make sure he knew what was going on and could help keep me safe. But I said I would rather not, I wanted control of if I told him about self harm and how much I disclosed. And I did manage to tell him. Although not what with. The tool is still in the bedroom but put away. Thing is I got rid of a lot of tools by giving them to partner and him either throwing them out or putting them somewhere I can't get to and it just made me more 'inventive' and consider more things as tools. Sure it made self harm less available but I don't think giving up tools fixes things.
Feeling a bit guilty but more than anything it's broken the dam and made me want to harm more. When I first got off the phone I felt safer and more in control. Built some Lego with partner as a distraction (I am building the Trevi Fountain and he is building a piranha plant from Super Mario). But I got tired and came to bed and now he is cooking dinner.
I might reach out again after dinner if I still feel this way. But maybe I don't want to .
Spoke to local crisis charity and that helped a bit. Calmed things down for a couple of hours. Was still having urges the whole time but I was managing them.
Urge was getting stronger and made the mistake of taking the plaster off my cut, decided it wasn't 'bad enough' and messed with it made it a bit worse but not bad enough to need medical attention. I feel stupid. But I guess self harm isn't logical. And weirdly it not being a new cut feels better?
Rang first response and got an Indian lady who was very stereotypical crisis team and not very helpful. I have talked to her before and she just made things worse. Just listing distractions. At one point tonight she said she didn't know how to help me. Which is not a good thing to hear when in crisis. Oh and she said to try and restrict worrying about my illnesses and how my life was to half an hour a day. I didn't say it but I did think to myself what the hell that's not how thoughts work??? And I don't spend my whole day thinking my life is shit..it's just a contributory factor to having less capacity to cope.
All the steps I took to prevent further harm during that call were off my own back. I put a plaster back over the cut. I moved the tool and put it away again.
She said call back again if I am about to self harm. But I can not talk to her again. I would rather talk to the wall than her and it would probably be more helpful. There is a chance I would get another worker but yeah.
Should try and sleep. But not feeling able to. I am trying not to harm. But I am getting weaker. And things that helped before I am finding don't help as much. I need support but I have to fight to get that and I am running out of fight. I am just so tired of it all.
Last edited by long road : 05-02-2024 at 02:30 AM.
I'm sorry you had such an awful time yesterday. How are you today? It's not good when you reach out and get through to someone unhelpful. I hope if you need someone today you can make the call and get some decent support.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
So mostly because I sprained my ankle I managed to stay distracted from the thoughts a lot of the day. Took me out of the trauma anniversary funk a bit too. So glad I got to go to urgent treatment centre rather than A&E not only was it quicker but it doesn't have any difficult memories associated with it, unlike the A&E in my city.
But also my ankle hurts if I move it in certain ways so I have a hit of pain readily accessible and am in some pain even when I keep it still. So kind of have less need of self harm because I have pain on tap. Which feels pretty messed up.
Haven't checked on the cut yet, probably should tomorrow as I am not sure how clean the tool was but was worried if I took plaster off it woufd make me want the nharm again like it did last nigjt
Had a good conversation with someone me from charity helpline just now before they closed. Going to try and get.some sleep now and see what tomorrow brings.
