I hope you are ready when they decide to discharge you, remember that if you don't feel ready make sure you let them know so they could put support etc in place.
Sorry to hear you collapsed on the way, I hope you're letting yourself rest up today.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
They've admitted me to a medical ward overnight for fluids. I went in for a cut! Which they didn't even fucking stitch. Got this random pain in my side, feel sick, weak, dizzy, annoyed, stressed, tired. Woe is me. Heart rate is fast.
I'm really pissed off about the whole thing but maybe I'm just being borderline about it all. They didn't put me on overnight fluids just half a bag yesterday. I should have left after that. Being here had just added to my stress levels. Apparently it was just because my heart rate was fast which is confusing because it's always fast and nobody is ever bothered about it. Anyway, doc said I could go back to the ward after a repeat ECG. And I've got therapy this afternoon.
I can understand it must be frustrating, but they just want to make sure medically you're okay. I hope you're able to go back to the ward soon and that therapy goes okay today.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Finally been discharged, they're arranging transport back to the ward. So relieved to be getting out of here. Feel rough as but just have to stay conscious and it's all good.
Like death warmed up. My face is pale and my lips are blue. I've got to drag myself to therapy in a few minutes. What are the chances of me staying conscious? Pretty fucking slim. Maybe I shouldn't go but I missed last week and I'd like to see her. I think I'm suicidal. Thankfully my key worker is on this afternoon. Sorry to moan.
I'm ok thanks x I've just been discharged. Had a very bad night last night but stuck to discharge date anyway. Ward manager was in my review and actually gave me some positive feedback which was surprising but nice. Had a bad time at Brigid yesterday so bit worries about going back. Hopefully the staff won't be bitchy like yesterday. I can't be arsed with that.
I hope it was a one off. Member of staff in question has always been a bit off with me and I don't particularly like talking to her. Hopefully I'll get to talk to someone good soon.
We want it, we want, we want a reason to live. We need it, we need, we need more than this. Going through this life, looking for angels. People passing by, looking for angels. Walking down the streets, looking for angels. Everyone I meet, looking for angels.
I'm suicidal is the short version. I don't think I can carry on anymore. I don't think it's right that I carry on. It's not fair on everyone. Everyone has had enough. It should stop now. I've already talked to my cc, staff, my mum and my best friend.
No no, Katie, you are so important to many people!
Even though it doesn't seem like it, there is SO much ahead of you. You can accomplish so many things. Think about it, if you aren't here to do those things, who will?
It's not fair? For you to be here? Of course it's right that you carry on! People depend on you more than you know, in a good way.
No one has had 'enough' of you Katie. People WILL get angry and frustrated with you, but that doesn't mean that they wish you weren't here!
*hugs* <3
We want it, we want, we want a reason to live. We need it, we need, we need more than this. Going through this life, looking for angels. People passing by, looking for angels. Walking down the streets, looking for angels. Everyone I meet, looking for angels.
I'm sure you've had the 'you've got your whole life ahead of you' speech from professionals before, but it's very, very true.
It's incredibly difficult, getting out of the cycle of admissions and suicidal thoughts, but it's certainly possible.
Without wanting to talk about myself too much, I was told a few years ago that they predicted I'd end up dead, in prison or in a max security psych unit within a year or two. That was what myself and other people saw my future as, but things can always change, people change, circumstances change and it can get better and it will. Things still aren't perfect with me right now, but no one's life is perfect, it's just trying to make the best of things.
Nobody is a hopeless case, it's not easy to 'say no' to suicidal feelings and thoughts, but as well as talking to people (which I can see you're doing really well with!) you need a great deal of willpower. Something amazing could happen tomorrow, or the next day or next week, but you'll never find out if you aren't there to see it.
It's easy to give up and I know that when you're just so exhausted with just trying to stay safe that the easy option seems appealing, but it's well worth fighting.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Thank you all, really your replies mean the world. You're all so kind I don't deserve it.
I don't feel like I have a future that could be different to my past. I'm so used to trauma and distress that when things do calm down I kick them off again because the silence is terrifying. I don't know how to be calm. I'm probably not making much sense. It's the cycle of trauma/drama that I can't get out of. I don't know how to be safe. I feel hopeless and trapped.
