My parents have been visiting since Monday afternoon. They go home tomorrow morning. They would visit for longer but I get tired easily and I have a tendency to push myself when people are visiting so best to keep visiti short. Been lovely to see them, really cheered me up. Don't know if it will last once they have left but was nice to be jolted out of my depressive spiral.
Wasnt really physically up to much yesterday but the day felt less of a loss because when I was awake I could spend time with them. Today I managed to go out for lunch.
Things are still hard but that doesn't mean there aren't happy moments in the dark.
I'm glad you have enjoyed seeing your parents. Do they live far from you? How often do you see them? Would you be able to have more regular short visits from them? Are there any other people in your life who you'd be able to see who would cheer you up? Sorry for all the questions. I know there needs to be a balance of rest though. What else do you enjoy that you could maybe try and do more of? Are you not doing role-play these days? I hope you can find a way to not feel so awful when things are back to normal, do all the safe things you need to do to look after yourself. I'm glad you have recognised that there are happy moments.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
They live about 200 miles away, 3 to 4.5 hour drive depending on stops / traffic. I see them every few months or at least try to. They are going to try and visit again in March.
There are other people I would love to see more of but it's a case of needing to be well enough on the day to see them. Whereas even if it's a bad day if my parents are staying I will still spend a little time with them. Whereas with friends/ people who are local will rearrange
I would like to draw more. And to try out the calligraphy stuff my brother got me for Christmas.
I do try and role play but our sessions are generally in the evening as that's when friends are free to play and I generally feel a bit worse physically in evening. So been missing a fair few sessions. For instance if I am short of breath hard to talk or if I am tired hard to think enough to play or if having seizures can't really play.
Mental health and physical health are very related for me. And alas often stuff that would help mentally I can't do if having a bad day physically.
Bit out of sorts now they have left. It's kind of like back to rrality
I feel super low. Images of how I could kill myself are filling my mind. I look at an object and my mind supplies a way I could try and end things with it
I don't really want to die, so I am just lying here on the sofa laid low by depression but not acting
Not making things worse is something at least, sometimes that's all that can be done. I do hope you will gradually feel better today though. I'm glad your partner is aware and is being supportive.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I watched a TV show with partner felt a little better while we were watching it but now it's finished I am right back down. Very fragile today it appears.
Not planning on acting on thoughts, don't have the motivation even for negative actions. But if partner goes out for his walk later I know it will be hard not to act, but I also currently don't know if I can say to him I won't feel safe if he leaves.
I just told him it was ok for him to go out for a walk and he just left. He won't be gone long though 20 - 25 minutes. Not sure it is ok / safe, part of me said it was because I wanted the opportunity to hurt myself, another part of me is sayin it will be ok, I won't do anything while he is gone I can stay safe.
He is trying to walk everyday to improve his health. And I am supporting him in that and don't really want to break his trust.
We watched the one TV show we definitely wanted to watch. Gladiators is on later though so we can watch that then.
UPDATE partner is home and I stayed safe
Last edited by long road : 27-01-2024 at 05:24 PM.
Don't feel proud about it. Feel like I am coward talking about my distress all the time but not taking any action. It feels like I don't really have a choice really just have to drag myself forwards or give up. I wish giving up was a viable option. I wish I could let myself go. But it would hurt other people and it might not work and just make things worse. And so I just keep fighting. I am so tired though I wish I didn't have to fight. Maybe some part of me still has hope but hope feels unrealistic.
This is probably more of a rant than anything. Sorry.
I just kept delaying acting for a little longer until partner got home while trying to distract myself.
It's ok to rant. Better than keeping everything inside. I can understand a lot of your feelings, they are so painful and distressing. You're definitely not a coward though.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Almost self harmed today while partner wa south on his walk but phoned first response instead and managed to put what I was planning to use as a tool away. And then after call had lunch and did some Lego building with my partner as a safe activity. Now have come back to bed as tired out.
Lot of emotions and still wobbly but I got through it.
I am again proud of you even if you can't feel that yourself. You're doing great with working through things safely even though you are mentally and physically hurting. Keep talking, keep doing safe things, keep resting when you need to.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I broke down again last night. Multiple times really. Even tried to leave the house and just go out but fell over due to FND before I even left the living room. Opened up to partner though. He doesn't really know what to do and asked how he could help and I said I didn't know and that it was tricky when he asked how because it added to my mental load because now I had to not only ask for help but work out how he could help. He did get that and said he will try and just be there if that's what I need.
Phoned GP surgery and asked to speak to duty GP this morning as my suicidal thoughts are getting worse was really hard saying that to receptionist. Wouldn't have done it off my own back but promised partner I would last night.
If they ask about crisis team I might say yes this time. Right now I still have a voice saying no to the thoughts but that voice is getting smaller.
Have a telephone appointment with Dr A on Friday that can hopefully still go ahead whether I talk to him today or someone else.
Last edited by long road : 30-01-2024 at 10:30 AM.
Had phone call with duty GP. It went ok, she was really nice.
She is going to get crisis team to give me a ring at some point although I think it was first response rather than home treatment team. She did mention getting them to check in for a few days though.
She also mentioned there is a multidisciplinary team meeting GPs can bring patients cases to to get people picked up by right mental health services. Which she mentioned in response to me saying neuropsychologist said he thought EMDR would help but he couldn't offer it within his service any more, he thought IAPT was inappropriate for me and that I should try and get it through CMHT. But CMHT said to self refer to IAPT when more stable. I said I didn't expect her to fix it right now just mentioned it as it's part of why things are worse and will discuss with Dr A on Friday. Good to know there is mechanisms Dr A can use though to hopefully sort therapy though.
Her other suggestion was upping my sertraline and I said it's only ever taken the edge of and I am already on 150mg so not sure what going up to 200mg would change. Also said that I had been on sertraline 12 years and tried fluoxetine before that. At which point she mentioned I could maybe try venaflaxine. She said to look into and discuss with Dr A on Friday. Anyone tried it? I have heard it's one of the ones that can cause brain zaps.
Last edited by long road : 30-01-2024 at 12:43 PM.
Well done for reaching out. I'm glad you got to speak to someone helpful. Venlafaxine was a really good med for me for years but was hard to come off. The withdrawal effects weren't as bad or as long as the horror stories online made them out to be though, in my case at least. But that's coming off it and you haven't even started yet! I think it would be worth a try since you're struggling so much.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
