Life, please... no more - Page 42

Kahlia1981 · 06-02-2011, 08:38 AM

I read a thread on psych wards. It seems that everyone else around the world doesn't have such a horrible ward as we do here. The ward we have is disgusting - it is a shame. Already it has been the focus of a Royal Enquiry.

Back in the 1980s the ward was the focus of The Carter Enquiry into Ward 10B. Ward 10B was a "therapeutic community". The patients voted on each others treatments and "punishments". Every patient had to participate regardless of their diagnosis or level of wellness. Hundreds of patients committed suicide then. The head doctor eventually committed suicide himself.

If we are lucky the head doctor now will do the same. Things there really aren't good. The head doctor constantly released patients who are severely unwell (psychotically). They often later get tasered to death by the police. We've lost 15 patients (at least) that way. We've also lost people to suicide by being refused admission to the psych ward - but you'll always get that. We have 2 out of 3 wards open. A ward only has 4 beds out of 15 open. 2 beds are lost to the "family room" another bed is lost to the "relaxation room". I don't disagree to them, but the rest of the beds are lost to .... EMPTY FILING CABINETS.

Oh, and the best parts. The doctors and nurses can't recognise physical illness. My housemate was brought over to psych after a severe OD got him to ICU. He had a raging chest infection. His temp was incredibly high. They ignored him asking them to check for 48 hours. Then one nurse touched his head and realised he was burning up and was sick like he'd been saying for the last 2 days.

- They ignored me and my reaction to the ODs they gave me despite me wearing 2 long-sleeve shirts, a cardigan and a hoodie in 36 degree (C) heat and shivering like there was no tomorrow.

- A friend of ours went from not having any physical illness to having pneumonia to the level of requiring blood transfusions all inside the psych ward. And they didn't even notice until she was so sick she couldn't even move off the bed. She is in a wheelchair, and they walked her over to the main hospital for a chest x-ray but didn't bother to even look at it - we are all still trying to work out why they bothered if they weren't going to look at it...

I should probably mention that all these events have recently (since I won my breakthrough with the HQCC - Health Quality and Complaints Commission) - and I wouldn't mind betting any other incriminating events - have been removed from all patients records.

Naturally though the poor gentleman who was killed by the doctor, security guards and the careful applications of anti-psychotic overdose may be the one to provide us here in Townsville with the safety we need and allow psych patients to once again have a safe place to "be safe". The family has taken the ward to court and they will definitely win, so the wards days are numbered. I have to say the john riley deserves everything he gets. That prick deserves to be shot, hung by the neck, slammed head first into a cement brick and to have his d**k cut off. Kill the f*****g prick.

I can't wait until he is removed.

Kahlia1981 · 06-02-2011, 01:46 PM

We went to my housemate's parents place today to lend a hand with the cyclone clean up effort. I wish I had been able to change my shoes as I had intended to but I had been on the phone with a friend of mine because she still hadn't had the electricity reconnected when my housemate's mother arrived and I didn't get time to change them. That meant that I kept losing my shoes everywhere I went. I lost my shoes in the middle of the garden. I tripped over them while walking to the front footpath. I nearly went a over t so many times. But we still managed to get heaps done.

I had to stop after a couple of hours because I got a massive headache from the combination of the sun and my lithium. I did make sure I kept my water up while I was working. I ended up having to take an ibuprofen tablet in liquid capsule form. The tablet didn't really agree with me. At first it made me feel sick, but then it knocked me for six. I basically crashed out on the couch and felt like I couldn't move.

Kahlia1981 · 08-02-2011, 05:42 AM

I had to go see a doctor today so I went up to my doctors surgery. Unfortunately they still don't have power. Luckily there was someone there as two of the receptionists had gone in to take a look at the place and see how it had fared through the cyclone. They rang their other practice and spoke to the nurse there who knows me and my housemate and made appointments for us at their city practice.

We were actually in quite a bind because the medication we required was morphine-based and as such controlled drugs that we couldn't just go to any doctor to get. We both had to explain to the doctor we saw at the city practice why we were taking it and what it was for. I also told the doctor about my cough and now have to get a specimen for the lab so they can work out what bacteria they are dealing with to help the doctors to deal with my cough/chest infection more appropriately. They are trying to stop it progressing like it did last year when it ended in pneumonia.

I also went in and paid off my glasses today. I don't really believe I need them but the visual acuity I have with them is absolutely astounding. I could read 14pt font 3 metres away as clearly as if it was immediately in front of me. I just have to remember not to look down while I'm walking...

Right now I'm just stressing out because I can't seem to cough to give the specimen I need. Why is it that I normally can't stop coughing and right now, when I need to cough, I can't seem to cough for love nor money??

Meh.

Kahlia1981 · 10-02-2011, 12:50 PM

My housemate managed to kill my shoulder today. I helped him off the couch and he used more "pull" force than he usually does which pulled my shoulder downwards and caused it to ache, hurt, etc., etc., etc..

Now it's just plain killing. I tried to lie down and go to sleep and couldn't manage it because of the pain. I had to put it back in it's sling before to try and remove a bit of the pain from gravity!!

On the good side, I've been offered a hydrotherapy appointment for my shoulder on the 4th of March. Since the appointment was booked in like April 2010 the phone call came as quite a shock. However I'm quite happy to have an assessment appointment and hopeful that the physio will be able to do something for my shoulder. The hydro should also do some good (indirectly) for my back.

Now if only I could get the rest of my life sorted out.

Meh.

Kahlia1981 · 11-02-2011, 10:43 AM

Wow. Today has been massive.

I had to walk down to the nearest big shopping centre (2.5km away) this morning to get my legs waxed. The chick who did them - not the girl who did them last time because I was early and they rushed me in instead of letting me wait like I was prepared to - didn't do them right. What I mean is that she ripped the strips too slow so I've come up in a rash. I'm treating the rash now with hydrocortisone cream so it's not so much of an issue, but it is an annoyance. The second royal-pain-in-the-butt annoyance that came with the leg wax is that they cost has gone from $24 to $30!! That may not sound like much but when you take it to percentages the rise is 5%. I'm a pensioner (as well as a full-time tertiary student) and a 5% rise in cost over the year is quite a bit to me. So I'm looking for somewhere else. Somewhere also closer to home so I don't have to walk as far ....

Anyway, while I was at the shops I got my tobacco to get me through until next Friday - my normal payday. I also went and got a script at the "new" pharmacy, and while I was there I found an exfoliating body scrub for $14.95. The one I got after my last leg wax cost approximately $80 from the beauty place. The pharmacy also had that one for about $53, so if the cheap one doesn't work out I can always go back to that for a slightly cheaper price.

That pharmacy was actually pretty good .... I kept getting asked if I needed assistance, but wasn't bugged if I said no. However, they were as helpful as anything if you asked them a question and went out of their way to help. Everything was organised quite well and it was pretty easy to find things because of the system of organisation ...

I had to go to the bank because I wanted to open an account to deal with my online purchases. However, the person I was dealing with didn't want a bar of it. He told me that I couldn't have a free pensioner account and a free student account despite the fact that my housemate has exactly that. He wanted to charge me $20 a month on one of the accounts. I said no way to that. Especially since the account was just a basic account with no special features. All it really had was a card - wow, that cost the bank $5. I really am not impressed. If I could I would remove all my business from the bank after today. The problem is that there is nowhere I can take it.

My housemate and I bought a friend's daughter a 5th birthday and today I bought some wrapping paper for it. It took me quite a while to find something appropriate. I searched through three or four stores before I eventually found something. Seriously, I hate searching for kids wrapping paper..... adults are -so- much easier!!

I bought my housemate and myself a treat today. We saw the dvd of The IT Crowd at the ABC Shop and were interested, so today I got it as I could afford it. We've watched two episodes so far and are absolutely loving it. We also love the intro's, and little bits that have come along with it. The guy at the store was obviously the "geeky" type and was happy someone with "similar tastes" was buying it. Lol. We're going to have to go back and buy the other seasons. :p

The biggest adventure for me at the shopping centre was actually finding the bus stop. That may sound weird but the signage at the centre is .... not good. I followed the signs and the signs point to the rooftop carpark instead of towards the bus stop. So I came back down the escalator and eventually found my way towards the bus stop to find that I'd -just- missed the bus I wanted and would have to wait 15 minutes for the next bus into the city. I was -not- happy.

The bus trip was -fun- in itself. The bus I was on seemed to be heading the wrong way half the time. Not only that, but it seemed to be servicing both sides of the road. At one point the driver stopped in the middle of the road and just sat there!! Anyway it did make it to the city eventually.

I even joined my housemate in at the City TAFE for a little bit today. Just had a quick word with the teacher there. He hasn't changed much. He can never remember what I'm doing, despite the fact that I've told him about seven times now. But that's okay, he sees a lot of students. My housemate and I even went for coffee at the one place that -never- gives bad coffee.

All in all it has been a busy day, and it isn't even over yet. I believe we might be going out tonight with it being friday night and all.

What a week!!

Kahlia1981 · 11-02-2011, 02:47 PM

Well my housemate has done it again ... He keeps hurting me and leaving me feeling used.

Right now I'm about 5 seconds away from putting on my shoes, locking up the flat, walking down the stairs, leavings the keys in the letterbox and leaving my life behind me. You know, I don't think he'd even notice if I was gone. Sometimes I think he just doesn't give a ****. I'm just something to be used and discarded like old rubbish. Yeah I'm handy to have around, but I'm really nothing special. He can pick up another couple like me on any street corner I'm sure. He never even seems to notice when I'm hurting or when there is something "wrong" in my life. Why the f*** would he notice if I disappeared for ever?

I don't know anymore. And I don't even know if I care. It's probably better if I just disappear. That way I can't "inconvenience" anyone anymore.

~Grace~ · 12-02-2011, 03:15 PM

sending you some hugs and love xx

Kahlia1981 · 13-02-2011, 11:56 AM

I snapped yesterday ....

I almost killed myself. I got home from a days shopping and my housemate said something that, for whatever reason, triggered me into my black-and-white thinking and the next thing I knew I had my shoes on and was walking out the door with nothing but the clothes I was wearing. I told my housemate that if I saw him again that I would see him again, and that was about it.

I actually walked quite a way. My head wasn't too good. It had me thinking that no-one gave a *****. That everyone would be better off if I was dead, so I walked to one of the busiest stretches of road I knew and tried to work up the courage to throw myself in front of one of the trucks that went past. I didn't know whether my housemate would have called the cops on me (thankfully because he had as I found out later) but I figured that they wouldn't have liked the idea of what I was doing so every time I thought I saw one coming I hid. I hid if I heard sirens, saw cops, firetrucs, ambulances or pretty much any type of vehicle that looked sort of official. I really didn't want to be found. I wanted to do it and when I found that I couldn't I started crying and after some time I came home.

In some ways I am lucky. I must have been extremely lucky to evade the police because apparantly all the cop cars in the city were keeping an eye out for me. I'm also alive because of my inability to go through with my plan. My housemate was so relieved when I walked back through the door that he didn't scream the place down, just asked me not to leave again while he rang the cops back to let them know that I had come home.

He eventually convinced me to go up to the hospital last night. Not really to much good though. We went up to the hospital via ambulance and kept getting kicked down the list. We'd been there 3 hours and I still hadn't spoken to the triage nurse. We weren't sure whether they'd just chucked us on the system and decided not to talk to me in triage because I hadn't been very talkative to the ambulance officers, or whether they'd just forgotten me or lost the paperwork because this teenage chick had come in just after me with the cops and she'd gotten taken in first. It was fricking annoying though.

One thing I have done is emailed my psychiatrist. I don't know what he can do, if there is anything he can do, but I just don't know what else to do.

Right now I'm a bit stuck.

Kahlia1981 · 14-02-2011, 12:54 AM

Well it's almost 10am on a monday do you know where your sanity is?

I wish I knew where mine was. I just had a call from my mental health worker. I told her what happened on Saturday and she is going to try and keep calling me to help me to stay safe while we are waiting for my psychiatrist to get back to me and also to keep me out of hospital. We all know how I feel about the hospital so we just want to keep me "safe". I really don't know what to do, how to feel, what the heck is going on inside my own head. I keep breaking down in tears for seemingly no reason at all. I'm scared, I'm lost, I'm hurting .... I don't know any more. I don't know what to do, and I don't know what will help. I really wish there was an "easy" answer.

Right now I'm just so confused, and I can't focus on anything for very long which isn't helping.

I wish I could be normal.

Kahlia1981 · 15-02-2011, 05:01 AM

Still no word from the psychiatrist. I guess he's out of town. I'm hoping that he's back tomorrow - his normal private clinic day - but that's not much help to me right now. I'm no better than I was when I snapped on Saturday. I'm only barely holding it together. I'm supposed to partake in a group meeting, yet I can barely hold two thoughts together most of the time. Unless of course those thoughts are about me dying, in which case they flow quickly and easily. I don't know what to do, and I'm not handling just sitting here and waiting but I don't have any other options. I just don't know what to do right now. I'm so over all of this - the crying, the not knowing what to do, everything ....

Does it ever end?

Kahlia1981 · 19-02-2011, 03:48 AM

I ended up being inpatient from tuesday to friday. I eventually sort help from the hospital (against my better judgement) because I my psychiatrist is out of town until my appointment with him next wednesday. It was still a fight to get help from them. The psych doctor admitting me was not able to recognise that my depression was not environmental. She couldn't understand that concept in the slightest. One of many concepts she couldn't understand - she also lacked even the simplest of people skills.

Overall the hospital experience was not too bad. The majority of the nurses were okay, and the head consultant was good. Only the female nurses were c-words and arseholes. Only one or two of the patients made things hard for me, everyone else was absolutely lovely, and generally I felt okay and was able to manage okay. I had visitors every day and managed to keep myself busy so I didn't just sit and stagnate. I was still very glad to come home - but not glad to come home with absolutely no support until my psychiatrist comes back however.

My mood has not changed and I am still suicidal. They kicked out about 12 people from the ward yesterday giving them about 20 spare beds .... and they wonder why they are heading for so much legal action and getting set to face a royal enquiry!!

Pomegranate · 19-02-2011, 04:04 AM

I am sorry things are so shitty for you at the moment Kahlia. Do you think hospital helped? What was it you were hoping for from it? What help have they put in place for you now you have been discharged? Did they say why they were discharging you after two or three days?

Kahlia1981 · 19-02-2011, 07:00 AM

Emma: Hospital gave me a couple of days of safety, which did really help. That was what I was hoping for from it, however I was hoping to leave with some help from the community. Either with access to a case manager - either short term in cases of crisis, or longer term. Or perhaps some form of psychological hep. Something clinical anyway.

In terms of discharge help .... I have been discharged and told to wait until I see my psychiatrist on wednesday. Theoretically I may receive a phone call from the crisis team, but it is unlikely. As for the reason for my discharge, they discharged me because I am responsible for my own safety and they needed the bed - they had already discharged 11 other people that day leaving a grand total of 20 beds free for the weekend intake.

On the plus side, the head consultant is trying to arrange a form of respite intake for me in future consisting of 48 hour admissions during crisis. He at least realised that I don't utilise the hospital as a "holiday home" like the admissions psych doctor was implying and that it really was a last resort when my condition could not be managed at home.

Right now I am absolutely exhausted again. It doesn't seem to take much at the moment. The mood is probably the cause there though because it always happens after I've had to focus on something for a while, or done something physical (including walking up and down the stairs at the moment). *le sigh*

Kahlia1981 · 20-02-2011, 11:42 AM

Well I am seeing my GP tomorrow and hopefully will get some treatment for my cough. I don't know what kind of treatment, but I think my exhaustion lately is related to it as some sort of physical illness, so I think the two of those physical ailments will be treated together in some form after the appointment tomorrow. I've actually been having an afternoon sleep the last couple of days. It's actually been more of a necessity than anything else. I quite literally just collapse and pass out by mid-afternoon. I'm also having a lot of difficulty when I stand up suddenly with dizziness.

While I think of it, I've also been surprised in that the crisis team has actually phoned me the last two days. They haven't been very happy about it and haven't been interested in the slightest in what is going on with me. They also weren't briefed in the circumstances surrounding the calls - they didn't know I had been in hospital for instance - and the longest call was one minute, but at least they called I guess. The call today ended abruptly when the chicks mobile phone rang.

Thankfully it's getting closer to wednesday and my psychiatrist appointment. I've got some paperwork for him to fill in so I can defer one of my exams and get some changes to an assessment as I was in hospital for the second groupwork task. I'm not 100% looking forward to the appointment but I'm still glad that it's coming up so soon. I really wish that he had been here earlier ... like last week. It would have made things so much easier, and maybe even have stopped me from needing to enter the hospital.

Speaking of all things medical ... my housemate keeps telling me to consider the possibility of requiring ECT again. I have to confess that as much as I hate the suggestion I have been considering it. I really don't want to go through that process again. It may have saved my life the last time around but in doing so it also robbed me of a heck of a lot. I lost a lot of my past, I lost a lot of days and I lost a lot of me. I don't know that I could go through that again. I probably would if I absolutely *had* to with no other choices, but I think if there was any other choice I would take that first. He can't understand because he has never been through it. No-one can understand who hasn't been through it.

Errrgg

crazykat · 20-02-2011, 12:24 PM

Sorry I haven't been around lately, I myself have only just come out of hospital earlier this week. I am glad hospital helped keep you safe though, hold on there hun xxx

Kahlia1981 · 21-02-2011, 10:49 AM

@Kat: Sorry to hear that you have been in hospital yourself hun. Thanks very much for your well wishes however. It means a lot to me.

Well we didn't sleep too well last night. We didn't even go to bed until after midnight, and falling asleep didn't happen until approximately 2am. Then we were up again at 6am this morning. We headed over to one of the shopping centres to go to Social Security so I could lodge some paperwork, and also in case we needed to lodge the identity documents from the Cyclone Disaster payment. - we had been told we needed to to receive the payment and then were granted the payment without lodging the documents, but didn't want to get told to pay it back.

After we had been to Social Security we walked to McDonald's and had breakfast, then caught the bus out to the shopping centre across the road from our GP's surgery. We walked across the road, and were there over two hours early. We had quite a long wait but got through both of our appointments without either of us getting too stressed. My housemate actually fell asleep in the waiting room. I didn't even take any Xanax while we were waiting even though there were kids screaming - probably because I was depressed and tired.

After we were finished we caught the bus part of the way back and walked a few blocks to where our landlady has just opened a hairdressing salon in order to get our hair cut. She only charged us the students fee - we are students as well as pensioners so I suppose that is fair anyway - and then drove us up to another shopping centre which was our next destination, and saved us some time. She did a brilliant job on the hair cuts, and has only been open in the salon for a week. Hopefully she does quite well but it is still early days.

At the shopping centre we met up with my mother and had lunch, a cold drink and toilet stops before heading to yet another stop, the pharmacy and home. It has really been an incredibly busy day. I have also had three phone calls today and had to organise a whole lot of other stuff. Phew. I am absolutely exhausted!!

Tomorrow morning I start my antibiotics. Right now I am exhausted right down to my boots!!

Kahlia1981 · 21-02-2011, 10:42 PM

Well it's morning and I'm up and about. I'm still tired, but I slept well last night. I even got up before my alarm went off. I've got so much study to do today that it isn't funny. I'm just hoping that I remember some of it. The sad thing is that my housemate leaves on the day of my exam.

He's my only point of sanity in my life and he'll be gone for a week.

Oh well. I guess I'll just have to live with it.

I have so much to do and such little time to do it in and I'm procrastinating by writing in here, but my brain hasn't really woken up yet. I still have to hang my washing from yesterday, so I guess that's okay. I also have to do the basic hygeine crap. I just really hope that I wake up soon. *sigh*

crazykat · 22-02-2011, 03:02 PM

Wow sounds like the other day was busy but I think you managed quite well so be proud of that.

Kahlia1981 · 24-02-2011, 01:07 AM

My psychiatrist appointment yesterday proved both fruitful and interesting. My poor doctor didn't realise that I had been admitted into the hospital .... Considering he works from the hospital that I was admitted to that does raise some interesting questions, but I guess that just proves a point about "islands of information". However we did talk about both medication and psychological possibilities for treatment.

In regards to medication we are initially following the topiramate pathway until we reach the level that we need to, and then will be adding an antidepressant to the mix. The antidepressant in question is reboxetine, chosen as it doesn't work on serotonin unlike other antidepressants. My psychiatrist wishes to add an antidepressant because my manic symptoms are generally well controlled by the mood-stabilisers but the depressive episodes are becoming more aggressive.

We discussed the psychological aspects of treatment and all present (my housemate sat in on this discussion) agreed that certain aspects did require psychological assistance to be resolved. Unfortunately there is no way that I can actually gain the assistance that I receive. If I get a psychologist or psychotherapist privately I can only get 12 sessions in a one year period, which means that I cannot gain any type of in-depth therapy, which is what is required. The public system doesn't even want to know me. This requires us to think seriously about our options.

So where too from here?

We did some research and discovered that the Cairns Private Hospital opened the Cairns Clinic - a private psychiatric hospital with between 50 and 100 beds - last year. They accept referrals from both the public and private system, including GP's, psychiatrists and the like. Cairns is about a 4 hour drive north from where I live which makes it a little more comfortable than the other private option which is Brisbane - about 1,000 miles south, or a days drive - and since I have the private health cover we are looking into whether it might be suitable for me. The process will ensure that my health cover is appropriate so I won't have huge bills from it, and also whether the psychiatrists there believe they will be able to help me before anything takes place, but it might be a chance for me to get psychiatric and psychological help in an intensive manner in a hospital where they give a damn how I am doing.

Everyone I have spoken to about the clinic in Cairns believes it might be a chance for me to get actual treatment in an environment where my wellbeing is actually taken into account and is a positive step forward for me. I've had to take this step. I just hope that something positive comes from it ...

Pomegranate · 24-02-2011, 06:48 PM

I think that sounds like a fantastic opportunity if it is possible. How long will it be until you know what will happen with this? Have they mentioned how long you might be there for if you were to be admitted?