Life, please... no more

[Pomegranate]

Hi hun *lots of hugs*

I have tried to read your last few updates but finding it hard to concentrate. I am really proud of you for calling your friend yesterday :) Yay for friends, cigarettes and diazepam! I don't really understand your college system but I think it is ridiculous there is nobody you can speak to about difficulties just because one person is away. If nothing else then the feedback forms should help them change this and make them aware of any difficulties which may have affected your exam performance. I hope it goes ok though.

Have you ever been on lamotrigine as a mood stabiliser? I just ask because I know a couple of people who have been on 800mg lithium, then various doses of topirimate before trying lamotrigine and finding it really helpful in stabilising their 'down' moods. I understand not wanting to try a new med or have your dose altered but if your moods are becoming dangerous then something has to change or you will end up in hospital hun or worse.

Thinking of you x

[Kahlia1981]

Emma: *hugs* and *cuddles* I haven't tried lamotrigine yet. It's one of our options if the topiramate doesn't do what we want. When I dropped into the depression last year I chose the topiramate over the lamotrigine then due to the risk of Stevens-Johnson sydrome (the rash it often causes that is dangerous) but it is one of our Plan B/C/D's. When we initially implemented the topiramate it lifted my mood so we stayed with it then.

While I'm talking about the topiramate ....

In the session with the psychiatrist today I told him pretty much everything - including the almost suicide attempt and what I almost did. He even asked me if I had disposed of the needles. When I told him that I hadn't he asked me what I would do if my housemate found them (I had explained that if my housemate found me with them he has threatened me with the hospital for having them). He recognised that my down moods are becoming more severe AND more dangerous AND also recognised that something had to be done.

He actually asked me what I wanted to try. I asked him if there was room to move on the topiramate - because I felt that sticking with a drug we knew would be easier (and more comfortable) than introducing something new if we could get away with it. He looked up the information and found that when it was used for epilepsy it could be used at doses between 500mg and 1000mg. As he had never used it in a psych patient at more than the dose I have been on (200mg) he decided to take the lower of the epilepsy doses as a maximum guide and we have decided to take a slow increase and see how we go. So, tonight I lift the dose to 250mg and stay at that for 2 weeks - barring bad experiences. Then, everything going well, I send him an email telling him how things are going and head up to the 300mg until I see him next (the 9th of February). I get a blood serum level before I see him so he can check that the levels are within therapeutic and if everything is going okay we reassess at that point.

If there is no change in the mood we have a couple of options including a) adding an antidepressant that works on the nor-adrenaline system and b) swapping to lamotrigine. We also have the option of adding a brand new medication (when it becomes available) if that becomes necessary. My psychiatrist is also racking his brain to try and work out all the options that he can give and work out how they all work together. In some ways I do feel sorry for him as the drug that he would prefer to use (lithium) is definitely not an option - but I explained to him in detail today why I believe there is no benefit from it and he couldn't fault my logic on it and he accepted where I was coming from even if he couldn't agree wholeheartedly.

Right now I am just absolutely exhausted. I would love to just crash out for a few hours. I am just bone weary. The heat really doesn't help. Maybe a drink and a sleep would help.... *sigh*

[Pomegranate]

I know everybody is different but I just wanted to say that I think you did really well being so open with your psych. The example I mentioned before was with my old flat mate, I can't remember her exact doses but I know she was on topirimate, venaflaxine and quitiapine at one point and that was the most efficient combination for her. I guess what I am saying is sometimes a combination is required. I know lamotrigine can cause a rash (she came off it because of a rash as a precaution) but if you do not get it then it can be really effective in lifting the depressive moods. J was really hesitant about coming off lamotrigine because of how it had helped her compared to other drugs....especially lithium. She also felt better once changed from Seroquel to Seroquel XL in her med combination. I hope you find something that helps you. Please try and hold on to the fact that the combinations are almost endless. I know you can get through this and find one that helps. Don't give up hun x

[crazykat]

I am glad you spoke to your pysch and I hope the medication dosage change will help you. Also well done for calling your friend. That' rubbish about the school situation I hope something gets sorted out for you. Take care
Kat xxx

[Kahlia1981]

I finally managed to get onto the Disability chick at Swinburne today. Two really good things came out of that: First, the exam which was scheduled for 08:15 am is now scheduled (for me) at 09:30 am and it is on my record that I cannot have any exams before 09:30 am because of my medications. Secondly, I have been approved to have access to a computer (sans internet access) during the exam. She was able to approve both of the modifications without requiring a doctor to fill in any paperwork or anything but had to get the exam one passed through OUA exams. But, it's now all finalised and the confirmation is in my email inbox. To be honest it's a great load off my mind.

I've also read 14 journal articles and 2 chapters of the textbook in preparation for my two assignments for my management subject. I've still got another 12 articles to read tomorrow, but I should be able to get the report to at least a draft stage within the 2 week deadline in time to get the poster completed and submitted on time. That also makes me feel more confident and relieved because I was beginning to stress about not getting that completed either.

I'm still a bit stressed though because I haven't gotten my first assignment back for the management subject and I'm extremely worried that I failed it. I'm hoping that I'm overreacting. But I'm really stressing out about it. I realise that right at the moment I have a lot of stress on me from a lot of directions and it is quite possible that the stress is just grabbing hold of a factor with which I am vulnerable and playing on it. My housemate thought that the literature review was excellent but I am concerned. They still have another week in which to get it back to me .... *sigh*

Why am I such a stresspot??? Meh.

Anyway, last night was the first night on 250mg of the topiramate and so far there has been no effect - either positive or negative - of the change. It is still early days though. If everything is still going to plan I go up to the 300mg on Tuesday the 1st of February and get my bloods done on the 4th before I see the psychiatrist again on the 9th. Then he'll work out whether we go up again or stay there for a bit. Thankfully I have one of (if not) the best psych doctors in this city working on the problem of my moods. We've actually be fairly lucky in the sense that only my down moods have been concerning lately. My high moods are just as dangerous as I usually jump from high places - think bedroom (second storey) windows, roof, etc. - when I get manic. I've been lucky so far and managed never to break anything when jumping while manic ... although no-one can explain why or how. :|

Well I guess we all walk one path at a time, lets hope the path leads onwards and upwards out of the shadowlands...

[crazykat]

I'm glad you got the uni stuff sorted out. Well done on getting all that work done, impressive effort. I hope the medication goes okay and you feel a positive effect soon

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks sweet. *hugs you*

I slept last night properly for the first time in weeks. I awoke feeling refreshed, with energy and *without* any obvious pains in my shoulder or back!! I felt like misquoting Family Guy: "I didn't know this sleep thing could exist. What else haven't you told me!!!!" So far this morning I've ordered my textbook for next study period and walked to the nearest big shopping centre (2.5 km walk each way) to get my smokes and some groceries. I'm going to catch a bus into town to put some money on my glasses after I have a shower (which I have to do soon) so that I have all the "administrative" stuff done that I can do.

Well I'd better get myself moving. *sigh*

[Kahlia1981]

Well I bought my smokes and got some groceries then came home and took my washing off the line. After that I went into the city and paid some money off my layby on my glasses and went to Lifeline (a charity shop) and managed to find myself a pair of exercise shorts and 3/4 pants at a combined cost of $10!!! As my housemate was with me and didn't want to go home yet we walked down to the Strand (the beach) - about a 10 minute walk. The walk takes us up a bit of a steep hill away from the city heart onto a man-made promenade. The entire length is 2 km from the Rock Pool to the swimming pool at the other end. We even had lunch (and a drink) there before walking back to the city and catching the bus home.

We had some sad news tonight however. My housemate's parent's dog passed away this week. Benji was over 19 years old and passed away of a heart attack whilst walking in the back yard. In November last year my housemate and I housesat for his parents and in doing that we also looked after Benji in order to maintain his daily routine. He was a gorgeous puppy and I really loved just sitting there and giving him attention because he reminded me quite a bit of my little girl who passed away in 2009. I'm going to print out a copy of the Heaven's Doggy Door and Rainbow Bridge pieces for my housemate's parents because they really helped me. The things with those pieces is that they helped me both initially, and on the one year anniversary of the day I had to decide to put my little girl down.

I feel really bad that I was unable to do any of my readings for my assessment today. I only have like a week and a half to get my draft written for my report and I feel like I am wasting time! I guess I should be glad that I am not overly stressed about it, but I still feel like I am going to fail that subject. I still haven't received my mark for the first assignment and that concerns me somewhat. I realise that they have until the 28th at least to return assignments that were submitted on the due date, and as I was granted an extention and submitted my assignment a few days after the due date but before the extended due date they may have more time to mark and return it. In addition if my mark is a HD they have to have the assignment assessed a second time which would take longer than if it only needs to be assessed once. BUT of course I am still stressed.

Kahlia (def): (noun) An organism for turning A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G into stress!!

I got a little bit concerned today about my other subject as well. We got sent an email asking us to please place the minutes from our meeting into the file exchange area and to please state who attended the meetng. The reason I am concerned is that I have submitted my deliverable as I believed we were supposed to by Monday which is the due date and my deliverable consists of the minutes, the transcript of the recording and the signed coversheet. When we were told to place the minutes in the file exchange section I started to wonder if we were not supposed to submit anything at all even though the task specification told us too!!!! Now I'm extremely confused. I think I will have to send off a quick email to the unit conveners. :|

Okay. Now it's pouring with rain and the wind is gusting like nothing on earth. I'm going to close off in case we lose power. :S This weather is simply unbelievable...

[crazykat]

Glad you got a decent nights sleep, it can often make the world of difference. Its sound like you had a fairly productive day too, which is always good. Sorry to hear about the loss of your housemates parents dog, it is always hard when a loved one passes away. In regards to the work just do what you can and try not to stress as it will only make things worse in the end. Hold on there hun xxxx

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks hun - both for the words and the understanding. Sometimes the smallest things can just turn the world, or the day around. *hugs you*

Well today I managed to make my way through the rest of the 12 journal articles in about two hours. Don't get me wrong when I say that - it wasn't easy reading and I did read them thoroughly. I just marked the relevant bits with a highlighter (they were photocopies by the way) and neither my backside nor my lower back was very happy when I stood up at the end. I am going to have to start paying more attention to the position I am sitting in when I am sitting for long periods, and makes sure I am in a suitable (and comfortable) chair.

I also have made a start on the poster - and therefore sections of the report - assignment. I've had to do a whole lot of brainstorming and research into the background of the company and it's external environment and so forth. I'm pretty certain now that I'm not going to have any issues getting the assignments submitted on time, which is also a relief and some weight off my mind as well. It means that I really only have two assignments that I have to worry about, and they are both for my other subject and I cannot touch them at this point. One of those I cannot do anything about until I see if someone else makes a comment on my blog article and they have until January 31 to do so, and the other relies on the second online meeting being held and isn't due until about the 21st of February. After that of course comes exams but I am already engaged in the review process, so I shall just have to keep going with my study.

My housemate and I watched two movies this afternoon because he has been dropping off to sleep for the majority of the day lately basically due to lack of purpose in life. So we watched "The Spy Next Door" followed by "Furry Vengeance". The spy next door was absolutely brilliant. I've seen it before but am always up for watching a Jackie Chan movie and really enjoy this one - in fact I was really sad to hear that he said this would be his last movie, but I suppose it had to happen some time and he is fairly old and is always in danger of injuring himself during his movies through doing his own stunts. Furry vengeance was pretty good. It took a while for us to warm up to it to be honest. We quite enjoy Brendan Fraser and it didn't disappoint but we felt the animals motives could have been done differently. The stuff in the credits was brilliant though. Sorry, that turned into a bit of a movie critique. I was just going to say that we quite enjoyed them but had to stop a couple of times because of torrential downpour that meant we couldn't hear the dialogue which really interrupted the viewing.

My housemate is really struggling at the moment. For one thing his medication is ... not quite right. Before christmas he went through an emergency anti-psychotic medication change and was put on risperidone. His dosage has been played around with and, in order to counter side-effects, has now been dropped from 2mg twice a day to 1/2mg twice a day. Thankfully he has not gone psychotic since that was done, however he is not quite right either. His mood is covered by his lithium luckily and thankfully no-one wants to play with that one. In addition he is struggling to find purpose at the moment. He is currently a student at TAFE (Technical And Further Education) studying networking but they have been on holdiays since November and don't go back until February or March. The study he is completing works in modules (or chapters) and is self-directed. He has 10 modules left to complete and - right now - cannot see a point to returning to TAFE to complete them. At the moment he spends most of his day asleep on the couch, reading novels or playing games on the computer - and he HATES computer games.

I've spoken to him about completing TAFE and his further study options and so forth. I even suggested to him giving himself a reward or series of rewards for completing the TAFE study so that he completes it because he has paid for it. He stated he was thinking of returning to JCU (the local university) to study and I suggested returning mid-year so he had plenty of time to plan the return and ensure that his meds were sorted and so forth. I also suggested talking to the Access Ability Officer (the Disability Liaison at other universities, TAFEs and colleges) and possibly trying to hook up with a counsellor from the JCU counselling centre. Basically trying to make sure that all the services that he could access when he was on campus were available to him and knew him when he started and he was comfortable with them. He said he learns better when the learning is directed and there are other students doing the same work at the same time - hence the issues with the self-direction. He is also looking into the courses he can undertake at JCU and at the moment is looking into Business majoring in Economic. The big trick will be to get him to that point. At the moment it is hard to keep him awake for more than 15 minutes!

The other difficulty is that the GP won't refer him to a psych doctor to look at his psych meds even though he isn't doing all that well and his psych meds are affecting his pain condition. A well-trained psych doctor could quite easily jump in there and make an assessment and offer a few suggestions that could, in the long run, also affect my housemate's pain level. That may sound strange, stupid or ludicrious by pain is something we perceive and when our psych meds go out of whack we change how we perceive what we perceive. This can intensify our pain or it can change our pain - for better or for worse. With the area my housemate's pain is in that's not something you want to take lightly.

*sigh*

[Kahlia1981]

*sigh*

A little life passed today. She was only 4 or 5 years old and has spent much of that life in hospital. She was diagnosed with a life threatening condition a couple of years ago but could not prove them wrong. So Dayna passed the gates of heaven today. I did not really know her, I did not know her pain and struggles but still I sit here trying not to cry. She touched many in her short life, but they always say that of the young when they die. And it rains, almost as if the city weeps and mourns her loss as well.

Right now I can barely continue with what I want to. The tears keep falling despite me willing them to stop. Trying to hold myself together seems to make me fall apart even faster. To keep my head held high requires more energy and effort than I can muster. But I have to carry on...

I have been fortunate enough to have been given a link to a YouTube video that moved me immensely. The song is by Pink. It really spoke to me. I shared it with my housemate and it spoke to him. The message really reached me and made me think. The song is called ****ing Perfect. As you can tell it does contain extreme language, but if you can get past that the message is well worth listening to.
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FvXH-K7M8s"]YouTube - Pink - ****ing Perfect Lyrics[/ame]
Now I just have to get through the night and hope I can finally stop crying...

[Kahlia1981]

Well I've made it to another milestone even though yesterday I felt the urges for both suicide and SI so bad I wanted to crawl under the bed and stay there. So, I'm now 29 months SI free!

Yesterday was B-A-D. I had my GP appointment in the morning. I had to catch a normal bus out there and the bus stopped at literally ever stop on the way. I managed to still get to the surgery with two minutes to spare and only had to wait an hour after my appointment time to get in to see the doctor. I coped fairly well with the wait - I took in with me my study notes for one of my subjects, my headphones and 1/2mg of Xanax. The doctor called me in ahead of some people who had been waiting longer so I got some really dirty looks, but there was nothing I could do about that.

Anyway I got my scripts and the blood test form and went to catch the bus home. I arranged to meet my housemate at the local shops so that I could get my scripts filled, but the bus was late. I finally managed to get there and met him as he was leaving the shops. We got the scripts filled and headed home and decided that (as the day was basically wasted from a study point of view) we would go shopping at a different shop to replace my day-to-day shoes.

We went to a major shopping centre which is under redevelopment at present and managed to get both my sandals and a pair of dress shoes and stopped for a drink and something to eat. We also managed to book an eye test for my housemate as his eyesight has deteriorated (due to medication) since his eye test and glasses were made last year. We also went back to the local shops last night to get some Iced Tea and fruit for dinner! We covered quite a bit of ground.

At one point yesterday after we came back from the shops I just went and lay on the bed. To be honest, I would have preferred to have just curled up underneath it. I just started crying because I had dropped deeply into the depression again. It sparked off my housemate thinking about something we talked about last night ...

We ended up having a decent coversation about trust, honesty and the reasons I would/would not be sent to hospital. My housemate has made it clear that he won't send me there unless it really is necessary because he realises how terrified I am of the place. He has told me straight out that as long as I am being honest with him about what is going on things will be okay. He also said that the only reason I would be sent to hospital "apparently randomly" would be if he was going psychotic and was unable to care for me.

We even talked about ECT last night. I really don't want to go through that again, but I do have to accept that it might be an option if this mood state doesn't lift with any of the medication options that we can throw at it. I am lucky in that my doctor is quite possibly the best one in the city. He will exhaust every medication possibility he can before going down that path ... I know that he will, but I know that the idea of ECT will already be in his mind. My housemate said to me that since I got a positive result from it once I would most likely have a positive result from it again and it would probably be easier this time around. When I think of it all I can remember are the bad things: the taste of tin from the anaesthetic, the people touching me, the needles, the fear that this time I will not wake up, the loss of memory... I know that it saved my life, but I lost so much too. I don't know if I could go through all that again. It makes me really hope that the medications work.

In some ways this is starting to scare me. I had hoped it would never get back to this. I feel like giving out the eternal cry "I just want to be normal, is that too much to ask?". My heart sinks when I think I may have to have the ECT every couple of years in order to be able to live a semi-normal life. I don't think I could do it ....

I guess I just have to live for one day at a time. It's amazing what you can cope with for one day. I will live today, for today. Today I will choose to do what I can for today.

[Kahlia1981]

I want to scream so ****ing bad right now.

Yesterday I looked at my bank account and there were three $1 debit card transactions that I didn't make. I contacted the bank and all they could tell me was that they were done on Tuesday night. Since I didn't use the card then they put a temporary block on the card and told me to ring back in the afternoon to see if the details had come through. They hadn't come through when I rang back (in fact they still haven't come through now - three full days after the transactions apparently occurred) so they've cancelled my card. The fraud division said it looked suspicious - either someone has the details of my card and has made three small purchases, or someone has tested the account three times. Either way that card is no longer active. What worries me is that I don't use the card unless it's on a site that I trust and that has the appropriate security symbols active. Thankfully I only lost $3 ... it could've been a shitload more...

Then last night I went online to see if my management assignment had been returned and they had published a guideline change for the report that is due in two weeks! That guideline change meant that the 2.5 days work I had done was completely wasted. I had to start my entire report from the beginning. If really ****ing pissed me off. It meant that I couldn't go to a bbq I was supposed to go to today, I had to stay home and rewrite the ****ing report instead. Right now I am so pissed off I just want to scream and I am so depressed about everything that I just want to burst into tears - not a good combination.

And the icing on the cake? I just got an email from the other university stating that my final blog assignment is due by midnight on Monday instead of the 14th of February when it is supposed to be due according to all the information published on their website and the subject outline!! The second deliverable for it is supposed to be due monday, not the final, but the email said the final, so I emailed them back stating I was concerned because they had *once again* apparently altered things so I needed to know whether I then had to completely change my plans AGAIN for those ****ers. It's not like I'm not ready to hand in what I have - I've already completed my comments and answered the one comment on my blog, and all my work is ready to be submitted so it's not a problem - but changing due dates without the entire class accepting and that's a change of 14 days is unacceptable. I don't know what game these ****wits are playing but I really am not enjoying it.

I think I am starting to lose the plot. Right now I am starting to think it would be better if I just killed myself so I wouldn't have to deal with this **** anymore.

*A-a-a-r-g-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h*

[Kahlia1981]

Have calmed down now.

My second university received my email about the change in assessment dates and issued an announcement stating they had made a mistake about the assessment. The announcement said the second deliverable not the final was due on monday (as I already knew) so there was still two weeks before the final deliverable. I also got a personal reply to my email with an apology basically saying the tutor had ****ed up.

After having lost two days work on my report for the management subject I am now ahead of where I had been with only two parts in my discussion section and my recommendations still to type before the proofreading begins. I'm on target with my word count as well, although I believe I will have to cut a few words. I should have the report submitted on monday, and will be able then to focus on the poster which is due on friday and is basically finished, but needs to be made to look "pretty".

After monday I need to check whether there are any further comments on my blog article and make any necessary adjustments before submitting my final deliverable. It isn't due until february 14th but if there aren't any massive changes required I will submit it much earlier so that I only have the group assignment to worry about.

The group assignment concerns me because we only had one out of the three topics they have outlined we should have had as topics from our first group meeting. I tried to push for at least one of the others, but because we were typing it was extremely difficult. Also no-one else in the group seems to be interested in fixing the audio issues even though we have to rely on our audio so heavily in the next meeting. It is really frustrating me. I need to do well on the group score, but we are not going to be able to because the group members will bring us down.

Oh, and did I mention that my keyboard died while I was typing my assignment up today? Right in the middle of typing a sentence. We replaced the batteries and tried both soft and hard rebooting and then lost the mouse as well. It is possibly the receiver as it was a wireless keyboard and mouse combination. I'm starting to think that the world wants me dead. Meh. Tomorrow we are going to a place with a couple of electronics stores to try and get me a new keyboard because I'm using one that my parents had spare (they even drove 30 minutes into town to bring it to me) after my housemate walked down to Officeworks and they were out of stock on practically everything. This keyboard is definitely not ideal for my typing style as I'm having to retype letters constantly.

Really struggling to find a reason to keep going at the moment. My housemate keeps forcing me to take my medications because I'm not really seeing the point. I'm so low in mood that I can't see a way out (other than death) and I'm so low that death isn't an option either because I don't have the energy to take any action to achieve it. *sigh* I'm guessing that's a good thing, but it's just so.... meh.

Anyway, what will be will be. Now I just have to find out why.

[Pomegranate]

I know you are feeling low hun and I know that you are struggling and things are not going great. Despite that though....you are doing REALLY WELL. I am so impressed that you are on top of, even ahead in the work you have do get done. Seriously. I am also really glad you have such a sensible and caring housemate. I know you don't see the point but not taking them will just make things even harder for you and you know that hun. Well done on emailing your tutor and getting clarification as well.

[Kahlia1981]

Well we went out today and got me a new keyboard and mouse. This one is really nice and responds quite well to my typing style. I do keep freaking my housemate out with my typing style though ... For some reason he gets incredibly freaked out when I'm typing incredibly fast but facing him when he is sitting on the couch. It's apparently unusual for someone to type while facing a completely opposite direction. *shrugs*

Tomorrow morning I am starting a new exercise regime by getting up an hour earlier every day and doing an hour of Zumba before I start the day. I'm trying to get my body more toned, and start losing a bit more weight to get myself down the next 30 kilos and 2 dress sizes. Personally I believe I still have another 50 kilos to lose but my housemate seems to think that I would have lost too much weight if I follow down that path. I'm not 100% sure why, after all I have only lost about 60 kilos so far and am still a massive heiffer. Anyway, I have organised my exercise clothes for tomorrow morning and placed my shoes in an appropriate place as well as organised my towel and water bottle. My Zumba Toning sticks and fitness DVDs are sitting in front of the computer ready for use and my alarm on my mobile is set and ready as well. Basically I'm all set. In a way I am really looking forward to it. The rhythms of the Zumba are really good - at least I find them enjoyable.

I had problems sleeping again last night. I even took a Mogadon (sleeping pill) but didn't end up crashing out until about 3am. I finally managed to crash out on the couch with the curtain pulled across the door to block out the outside light and music playing on the computer. I don't know what the issue was - I just quite literally couldn't sleep. It is really irritating me. I'm finding that my sleep is getting affected more and more often at the moment. *sigh* More than just a little bit over that to be honest. A good nights sleep is amazing when I can get it.

Well I should have both assignments for my management subject submitted this week, and after tuesday I should be able to look at submitting my blog assignment for the other subject. I have a bad feeling about the second group meeting .... none of the other group members wants to be the secretary for it, and I am refusing to accept the position. If I take the role I will be doing nothing but typing for the whole meeting and it will frustrate the heck out of me. But the two of us that are actually interested in doing well have nominated ourselves for positions and the other two haven't even bothered. One of them offered to submit the assignment - something the group representative has to do. It frustrates me a little ....

It also frustrates me that I still haven't gotten my first assignment back for the management subject back. Neither have a whole group of students. *sigh*

So much for getting feedback.

[Kahlia1981]

By the end of this week I will have submitted three of my last four assignments!!! That is really exciting new to me. The only one I have left is the second group assignment - which is a royal pain in the arse, but there is nothing that I can do about that. Still, I call having finished seven out of the eight total assignments a bit of a victory.

I didn't sleep too well last night. I ended up falling asleep on the couch again. It also took 4mg of xanax and a mogadon. I'm beginning to get a bit frustrated about my sleep issues, but I don't know what I can do to help me to get some sleep. My housemate was trying to help me last night but the neighbour who wants him as a husband (or at least has the ability to have him jumping at her every beck and call) had him over there for a "chat" for over an hour which frustrated the **** out of me.

I got up this morning at 6am - an hour earlier than usual - so that I could do my Zumba exercising. It took me a little while to get up and do my ablutionary activities, but then I just chucked my shoes on, turned on the computer and got started. It was brilliant. I really enjoyed it. I did have to tone in down a bit this morning because my body wasn't always able to keep up in some parts, but I was doing the "Sculpt & Tone" work out with the Toning Sticks. It goes for about 45 minutes and it really works you hard, but the music and the rhythms are amazing.

I'm going to be doing a couple of different workouts spread over the week so that I don't do the same thing every day. They have the "Sculpt & Tone", the "Cardio Party", the "Flat Abs", a "20-minute Express" and a "Live" one that was shot in front of a live audience of fanatics, so there are plenty to choose from. If I decide to do the Abs workout I'll also do the Express because they are both only 20 minutes while the rest go for nearly an hour. They also have one workout that just teaches you the Basic moves so that you can tackle the other workouts without any problems. With plenty of workout options to choose from it should be fairly easy to vary the workout to stop boredom from being an issue.

My housemate has started complaining that I am not eating enough and that he thinks my thoughts are starting to turn towards ana-thinking so I've started using my SparkPeople account to keep track of what I am actually eating. Last night I was lying next to him and my stomach was growling so hard that he could hear it and it was obvious to him that I had severe hunger pains but I kept telling him that I wasn't hungry - because my head told me I wasn't. He eventually managed to get me to eat something, but it was a major struggle. We decided this morning that since I already use Spark to keep track of my exercise and other weight loss stuff, I may as well make use of the nutrition counter to keep an eye on what I am actually eating.

Today I have to book an appointment with my GP, and ring my main provider university to try and chase down what is going on with my degree registration and credit transfers. I'm really not looking forward to it to be honest. But, it does have to be done.

*sigh* So.damn.over.it.all.

[Kahlia1981]

Sitting here freaking out about TC Yasi right now. Just sending out a quick message to anyone reading to let you know that she is a Category 5 cyclone right now. The last bulletins had Yasi coming through between Innisfail and Cardwell (2 hours north) - which my housemate and I thought yesterday. The area expected to be covered by the "winds of destruction" is Cairns and Townsville - a 4 hour drive to put it into perspective. Yasi is about 500 km in diameter. ****ing huge. Not to mention powerful. Yasi managed to dismantle the B.O.M. equipment on Willis Island - the first piece of land it passed on the way to the coast. The inner winds are travelling between 90 and 300 km/hr. If TC Yasi hits between Innisfail and Cardwell still as a Category 5 we can expect to experience the effects of being hit by a strong destructive Category 2. We have been told to expect a storm surge and low lying areas have been evacuated - Cardwell has been completely evacuated as they are expected to get a storm surge of up to 20 feet or 7 metres (or so). Wherever this cyclone hits is likely to be completely decimated, raised to the ground. Buildings are likely to be ripped apart, trees pulled out of the ground, objects not tied down made air-bourne.

To be honest, we are all nervous. We wish there was something that we could do but there isn't. We are all praying that Yasi drops intensity instead of continuing to intesify before it hits. No-one wants Yasi to hit anywhere, but if it does hit we would rather it hits Cardwell as no-one is there now as the mandatory evacuations have left the city empty. Truthfully, this one is massive and all we can hope is that no-one dies in its wake.

God, I hope we are still alive in the morning ...

[lostandalone3]

Im in NZ and its all over the news. I hope it decreases in intensity when it hits queensland.
Il be thinking of you.

[Kahlia1981]

Well I'm back.

We lost power at about 3pm on Tuesday (02/02/11) and it was reestablished today. The cyclone was powerful. Yasi made it - as anyone who reads this probably knows already - 700 km inland. We have been extremely lucky. There was very little structural damage here in Townsville. Most of the damage was to trees - NOT property. The one death they have attributed to the cyclone was actually caused by stupidity - using a generator in a non-ventilated room - that does not mean I don't feel sadness for the fellows family by the way, just that Yasi did not cause his death.

I can't stay too long and our internet connection isn't too great just yet. But I wanted to let anyone interested know that I am still alive, and that we survived the monster.

Whatever monster you face, you can survive it. Your spirit is as strong as the NQ spirit.