I can understand why that would make you anxious. It's hard to take your mind off things like that. It's probably not going to be possible to completely distract yourself from thoughts and anxieties coming in but try and be kind to yourself and do some nice things as well as your form filling.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
PIP form is finally finished and has been posted. Took an age to complete, but I was super detailed, plus 2023 was a really shit year for my health so had lots of changes to write about.
Its a bit of a weight off my mind now that it's finished. But still anxious about whether I explained things well enough that they will understand what I struggle with and assess me appropriately, especially after the assessment report last time where they contradicted themselves and made statements that were not true. Plus a bit depressed about how much medical stuff limits my life and the loss of independence from going through it all in detail.
Really hoping I get mental health assessment letter soon, so I can find out the treatment plan an eliminate that uncertainty/worry about what I will get and if it will be enough.
I have not had spare capacity to do anything nice for myself in the last few days just been pouring all my energy into getting the form done, coping with mental health and FND symptoms and doing my daily routine stuff like eating, brushing teeth, physio etc. But I am about to order takeaway.
Currently struggling really bad with suicidal and self harm thoughts. More detail in my RV but be aware it could be triggering.
Have tried to reach out to helpline but hung up when I got through.
I tried to tell my partner, told him I was in a bad headspace but bottled it before I said anything else because if he knows he would try and stop me. And if I decide it truly is what I want (I am about 70% I wnat to act on thoughts right this minute) then I won't want to be stopped.
But there is a small voice saying that if this was someone else I would be trying to talk then down.
Yesterday worked out okay. Was a very slow day but I managed a shower.
Mentally still a bit all over the place, this afternoon I got very scared, but I am just about managing. Haven't harmed since my minor slip up 3 days ago.
I think I might be being watched again. Was really struggling with the feeling of being watched /something being over my shoulder /coming to get me yesterday.
And yeah whatever it is appears to be coming back.
Although yesterday I was worried about the crocodile and he hasn't appeared yet today.
A small part of me says it can't be real all that's behind me is the wall of my flat. Nothing could see through or come through that. But it feels real. And I am not really thinking clearly anyway my Brian is fuzzy.
I have my big cuddly lion keeping guard. He is watching the space where I feel like I am being watched from and It helps a bit. As does feeling his softness.
Trying to distract myself with TV but keep losing track of whats happening in the show.
So tired and a bit woozy. On the edge of dissociation which makes telling what is real harder.
So I use a variety of grounding techniques to help with dissociation. Sensory ones like 54321 technique or focusin on the sensations in my body. Temperature like using cold water or a cold pack. I play with fidget toys or stroke my cuddly toys to keep my hands busy and get the sensory feedback.
I was trying to incorporate little bits of grounding into my day as maintenance rather than waiting until I noticed Dissociation but that hasn't worked so far.
Less feeling like something is watching me today but still feeling very overwhelmed
Keep going with the regular grounding if you can. I know it's supposed to help more when you really need it if you practice it when you're not too distressed. What's the overwhelmed feeling like?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I do practise grounding fairly often but not everyday.
Overwhelmed feeling is like a million emotions from different directions and screaming in my head and needing to run. All too much to fit in my head but too messy to untangle and express stuff a bit at a time but too much too express all at once. And self harm thoughts and just non stop arrrggghh
It's horrible when your mind is so full of distressing things. Does it help to write some of those things down or does it make you think about them more?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think writing does help on the whole, it's hard to untangle it to write it down though. Been R/Ving a lot. But more on the rant side that the vent side I would say.
The loudest bits are self harm and suicidal thoughts / images. But there must be something behind them fueling the raw distress.
Some of that distress must be related to trauma memories that keep intruding and my natural instinct is to push those as far away as possible. Although I don't think they are something I can process on my own either. So not sure what to do with them. I guess with them it's more about reminding myself I am safe and that I am not there anymore.
Being scared of myself my past and whatever is watching me doesn't help.
Other bits is to do with frustration at my life my poor physical health, my lack of independence. Wanting to hope but not knowing if hope is realistic and being afraid to have my hopes crushed again.
I really hope you can keep using your own techniques and hear from the CMHT with some helpful news soon. I think you are doing well with all that you are trying.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Yeah hopefully should get a letter at some point this week. Waiting sucks. I expect I will have to wait to start whatever support they are offering but at least I will know what the plan is. Uncertainty is the hardest bit.
I think I am also struggling more as it's coming up on the 3rd anniversary of me developing FND. 5th February was the day I had my first non epileptic seizure and I have lots of really difficult and traumatic memories from that day and the couple of weeks before and after.
Looking back in this thread last year I didn't really cope I broke down a lot.
But managed to self soothe a bit by watching safe things plus cuddling my cuddly animals and holding my partner's hand.
I survived it but it was really hard and things were more stable mentally then, I had just finished therapy and hadn't been retraumatised by multiple hospital admissions.
Breathing has been difficult again today. I am currently just about controlling it but it flaring is not helping my mental state.
