It’s a breakdown of when my mood changes, how I feel, what I score my mood to be at critical times, what I do when I have a mood swing, if there’s any harming, what my thoughts are etc and then I have to analyse what I’ve written and note at which points I could have made myself safe and when I could have stopped things from getting worse. I think it’s to make me more and more aware that there are points in my mood swings where I can/ could have made myself safe or stopped things progressing as far as self harm.......if that makes sense
It does...but just knowing that on wednesday she will want to see what ive done is enough of a motivation. It does help me to see where i could have stopped things...that things could be stopped and that my mood swings dont always have to progress to harming
I dont know i already have plans in my head not to eat dinner so i can go to the bathroom whilst theyre eating....i may not even beable to wait that long...i want to go now but im fighting it ****
Signed off for a week, the dr was a locum and said I should discuss it with my pysch further, and seems to think he has some miracle cure, which he doesn't. Have posted it recorded delivery so they deffo get it tomoz, I'm always so paranoid of things going missing in the post, hence recorded.
I will still need to phone in tomoz, just say I have posted in a sick line and the hr manager should get it tomoz, then im covered for this week and the gruelling weekend, I don't wanna do. So maybe back on monday, as i'd be off the tue/wed, we'll just need to wait and see.
I feel like I am never out the flipping doctors, and you go to see a locum and thy don't know your histor and start asking, how long you been feeling like this, anything stressing you out in particular etc etc - I wish they would read your notes, even browse them before you go in to talk to them.
Rowie - keep yourself occupied and carries idea is good, even just sit with the family, try and enjoy it, you had a good time last night, i know its not the same when you are in the house, but dinner time is still a great time to just sit and talk with the rest of the family.
Carrie - hope your okay hun
Love to all xxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
glad you were able to get signed off Hollz. I know what you mean about a locum doctor... they dont have a clue about you.
I only ever see my doctor, even if it means waiting and he knows that which is why he feels he has a hold over me eg you do such n such or you will have to see another doctor .......but the way i feel right now I dont ever want to see another med again nor do i want to see my doctor again... im supposed to be seeing him this thursday so he can check that im taking the iron and not harming...hah what a joke it all is.
It isnt though is it? Its not a joke. he wants the best for me whereas i dont give one iota about me. Im confused about what to do. Ive taken 9 iron pills this week over three days ive allowed myself to do that for certain reasons. I just want people to leave me alone and let me get on with living the only way i know how. Whose to say that I will be a better person if I did as the doctor says? whose to say I will have a better life? whats wrong with the life I have now
Everything...everything is wrong with my life. **** i need to do some thinking when my mind is empty of bad thoughts and when im more lucid
I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to see a doctor, or take another tablet. Sometimes we get to that point with the illness when its like, whats the point, why am I taking these or seeing these people, is it ever going to make a difference.
In my experience, its only when I stop doing the things I should be doing, that I realise how much I actually do need them, to keep myself safe.
You know we are here if you need to talk anyway, how about your hubby, can you talk to him,. have you told him that you don't want to take your tablets.
I am glad though that you have been taking your iron tablets, you know how important it is to keep yourself safe rowie, we all want you safe and so does your family.
Don't let yourself or anyone else tell you that you aint precious, because you are hunni.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Hi everyone. How are you guys? Apologies again for not being around much.
Rowie - Don't apologise sweetie, it's okay, we understand. Are you okay - do you need physical attention for what you've done? How are you feeling now? Well done for taking your iron pills, that's a huge step, but I'm concerned about you within that step, and the fact you don't seem to have done it for you. Could you talk to anyone about that? I totally understand about you wanting to wait until your heads' empty of bad thoughts, we're here whenever you're ready.
Hollz - I know what you mean about having to repeat history to loads of people, especially when what they're asking is written down in front of them in the notes. I'm glad you can get off the weekend if it's stressing you out so much. How are you feeling now?
Me - I'm okay, just stressing and tired and sad. Fun fun.
Thanks Ash, I'm okay - just had dinner, just thinking about what I want to do tonight.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
My CPN advised me to write two letters to james/fiona, 2 ex best friends that I can't see to get out my head, so I am going to try and do some of that now and I will maybe post them later, depends what I write I guess.
She says I need to move on and accept we aint friends no more, which is true and james is a bawbag of the highest order, but its just difficult letting go.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Hollz and Ash...thank you. am ok now. sorry i shouldnt have posted all of that on here. Im still of a mind that I dont want meds anymore or to see my doctor again. I want to manage things on my own now. I did years ago when this first happened and to be honest nothing has really changed in seeing people for help...im still in the same place as I was back then, if not worse.
Gah, im just so damned negative tonight.
Get a grip girl!!
