why bother?! - Page 40

Darkwings44 · 23-01-2022, 06:05 AM

Yesterday I had a fight (verbal) with the staff and I felt overwhelmed and I bit myself luckily no one saw it but today I felt very overwhelmed and stressed and I cried and two of the staff comforted me and i talked to one of the staff and i told her a little bit of the truth..... But not about the suicidal thoughts.. I really don't know if I can handle life...,.....

Pi.R^2 · 30-01-2022, 07:02 PM

Sorry that you were feeling so bad. How are you getting on now? I hope that it was helpful to open up to the staff.

Darkwings44 · 03-02-2022, 10:41 PM

i dont know.......... today it feels like theres no hope because theres allways going to be someone in the world who hates me and wants me dead and i am tried of trying

on tuesday i told my docter how anger he made me feel because he took off the depression and he said that he was sorry and that he put it back on as one of the stuff that i have then the same day i finelly got to talk with my therapist and i kinda told her the truth about my self hatred steaming from my dad and how i feel like like im in a endless night and how self harm feels like its my only light and stuff like that but we couldnt talk alot about it alot because she had to go and stuff like that but i dont know how things are going to turn out because i havent been this honest to them before... i dont know why i did tell them the truth but now that i did i feel like hiding my feelings away again because its all too new to me and honestly im scared!!

Unbreakable. · 04-02-2022, 01:33 AM

I am really, really proud of you for being honest.
Hopefully it'll help making your treatment a bit more productive/helpful.

There might always be people out there who want bad things for you. And there will also always be people out there rooting for you and wishing you well and wanting you to be happy. I get though that it can be really hard to see and believe when everything feels so hopeless.

Darkwings44 · 05-02-2022, 10:40 PM

thank you so much!!!!!!!!

Darkwings44 · 07-02-2022, 08:15 PM

i feel very stressed and alone!! i just want to tear myself to fucking pieces!!!!!!!!! i cant stand myself!!!!!!!! ED SH and suicideal thoughts are swarming me

Unbreakable. · 07-02-2022, 08:28 PM

Do you want to share what makes you feel so stressed?

Darkwings44 · 09-02-2022, 11:48 PM

everything....... in a few days it going to be valintines day and i feel like i should have at least gotten a girlfriend im 30 years old for crying out loud!!!! how pathic am i? and a few months its going to be my birthday june 14th i feel like i cant take another year of this life

im currently working on a plan

Pi.R^2 · 14-02-2022, 12:43 AM

I’m sorry you’re feeling so distressed about Valentine’s Day, I can see how that would be hard. Try to remember that there are lots of people in a similar position, including people older than you and I don’t think it’s pathetic at all. I think there’s an awful lot of luck involved in finding a partner; it all depends on being in the right place at the right time to meet someone who is a great match for you.

Unbreakable. · 14-02-2022, 12:44 AM

If it's possible at all could you plan some fun activities for tomorrow for yourself? Just to maybe make the day less upsetting.

Zurg · 14-02-2022, 09:30 PM

I don't have a partner but i've spent my evening eating chocolate because if everyone else is eating them today to celebrate love then dammit!!! so am i!!!! (Maybe i'll just use any excuse to eat chocolate….)

It's okay darkwings. Better to not rush into things and end up with someone who's an asshat. I speak from experience!!!!

not_so_insig · 14-02-2022, 10:04 PM

15th of February is actually singles awareness day so instead of thinking that valentines day is rubbish maybe you could focus on celebrating that?

Darkwings44 · 05-03-2022, 08:41 PM

thank you all for your support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =')

Darkwings44 · 05-03-2022, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zurg

I don't have a partner but i've spent my evening eating chocolate because if everyone else is eating them today to celebrate love then dammit!!! so am i!!!! (Maybe i'll just use any excuse to eat chocolate….)

It's okay darkwings. Better to not rush into things and end up with someone who's an asshat. I speak from experience!!!!

you made laugh thank you for that zurg!!!!!!!!

Darkwings44 · 07-03-2022, 05:30 PM

i dont think that i'll able to post for a very long time because the staff is really against me useing the laptop but i got lucky today and on Saturday because of the boss of the group home

lately CC another client of the group home been really fusterateing and stuff (she tells me that i cant have my laptop (when its not hers to begin with!!!!!) and tells on me for literlly farting!!! just to get me in troble with the staff

then theres the war in Ukraine ever since it happened ive been wanting to go there so i can help them fight for their freedom but both my mom and the boss of the group home says i cant because its not safe and i dont have a passport

i feel so triggered!!!!!!!!! i really really want do something to myself!!!!!!!!

not_so_insig · 11-03-2022, 11:07 PM

War zones are very tough even for those that don't have mh problems. I dont know what the news over there is like but in the UK news it has been reported that the Ukraine government is telling all women and children to get out of the country and only for the men to fight. Many airlines around the world have stopped commercial flights to Ukraine and Russia so I doubt that you would even be allowed to get there because simply it isn't possible. That's for people with passports. Getting an passport takes at least several weeks and even if you did get one next month the situation would have changed. You are female so I doubt that you would allowed to fight even if you did get into Ukraine.

If you're determined to help then perhaps you could donate some money to the charities/aid agencies that are helping Ukrainian people? Or perhaps organise some sort of event such as an bake sale in your group home with the money raised going to a good cause? There are plenty of ways to help the war but leaving your hometown/country isn't one of them.

Darkwings44 · 20-03-2022, 05:54 PM

oh ok

i dont know how to expain how i feel like but... i'll try my best...
a few weeks ago my mom told me that my sister is going out of town next week to tour university's starting next week and that my mom is going with her.... and i feel like that should have been me the only main difference between me and my sister is that im disabilted and she isnt then i keep on thinking about my future because im half the oldest person in the group home age im 30 about to trun 31 and she (DH) is 60 something years old i dont want to end up like her..... living the rest of my life in a group home and not having a job or not having a family and not going to a college and having a life of my own!!! all this is i cant help but think who whould i be if i wasnt disabled!!!! if i wasnt who i am everything would great!!!!! i wouldnt have been abused and my familys life would be good they would have never fought the way that they did!!! my dad would have not had to get drunk most nights to deal with my faults!! my mom would not have been burdened with me!!!!! everything would be so much better!!!!!!!!!!! but no im stupid worthless disabled me!!! i really hate myself!!!!!!!!!! ive been thinking of a way to travel back in time to make me not exist!!! but i cant!!!!!

Zurg · 20-03-2022, 07:22 PM

It's okay to mourn the life you wish you would have by now. Just don't let it consume you darkwings. Life might have been different if you hadn't been born but not neccessarily better. The Way you Think and speak about yourself matters a lot!!! You were born. Not out of your own choice but out of your parents' choice. And if your dad was drinking and somehow letting you know it was because of you, them he's a scumbag who doesn't deserve kids!!!! Giving your kids the blame for your own failed ambitions and possibilities is not only cruel, it is abuse!!!

You are here. Now!!! And you are contributing to the world in your own Way. It's a huge misconception that we have to always work, study or raise children to feel like we're contributing to the world and have some worth. You're alive. You're a human being. That in itself gives you worth enough and right enough to be a part of this world.

The good thing about staying alive is the possibility of things changing. You've decided you don't want to live your entire life in a group home. That's a good start!!! Now, what small steps can you take to make it come true??? Are there things you need to practise and get better at?? Do you need support in some Way if you are going to live on your own??? Are there other setups that might let you live with support but with more independence than the group home??? Ask around!!! Ask the staff where you live now. They might be able to help you come up with a plan and help to show your ways to get better and reach your goal. It's a fucking great goal by the Way!!!! And it's certainly not impossible. You just need a lot of support, a confidence boost and some gentle help

not_so_insig · 21-03-2022, 03:33 AM

Maybe you could look into adult education providers outside the group home that specialise in disabled people? Then if you want to go to college they could see what help you need to get there and what qualifications/educational standards you need. I know that they exist here in the UK but unfamiliar with the US education system but I would highly doubt that something similar doesn't exist in your country. Maybe your group home has educators that help with basic math and English? If not then they could sign post you to someone who can. If college truly is your goal then there are ways to help you get there. It may take longer and may be harder than what an non disabled person would find it but if you are determined you will get there.

Darkwings44 · 30-03-2022, 04:06 PM

Thanks I'll try that