I told my CPN what I was planning on doing. It will likely never go ahead because I haven't succeeded at suicide so far (obviously) and the method I have chosen to cause the least amount of outsider involvement is something that scares me due to the physical sensations. I do hope I will either manage to get completely to the edge where I impulsively go through with it or I find a way to distance myself from my body so I don't feel the physical sensations so much.
People can't be here for me every time I need them. I phoned crisis but they were out on a visit so have to wait for them phoning back. I am very grateful that my CPN is, at this moment, supportive of me but I see no hope of anything changing for the better. One of my previous psychologists said that we weren't getting much work done because it was like we were always 'fighting fire' going from one crisis point to the next. That's my life. A crisis point, a very short break, another crisis point. Talking through things can be helpful in that I'm not alone but there are no actions that can be taken to resolve or reduce my struggles to a degree where things are bearable.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN was actually on the extended hours team today (CMHT crisis team) and I felt bad for taking up her time and asked if she was sure she had time to see me to which she replied that she had asked me to come because she thinks I'm at a crisis point. It felt kind of weird to hear that, although I do acknowledge I'm at a crisis point. Someone I met in hospital who has been in rehab long term was in touch with me and I mentioned things and how hospital would have been an option but I know 2 of the nurses hate me. She said sometimes she thinks the safety offered by the ward is more important than the individual nurses personalities. I do kind of feel like an admission would be beneficial right now but there are so many down sides and I wouldn't ask for an admission anyway despite it being in my management plan. I'm still getting a phone call each evening from the informal crisis team and I've to see the CMHT crisis team on Saturday and my CPN again on Monday. It's a lot but it can also seem like it's not enough, I know no one can be there 24/7 but I wish I was in a safe environment where I could access support when I need it rather than during an appointed time. I don't feel able to phone anyone.
The other CPN who was on the CMHT crisis team with my CPN today said that there are more treatment options available so things aren't hopeless even though I feel like they are. She mentioned DBT but then also said that it isn't widely offered where I live. I think DBT sounds like too much hard work to be honest. I don't really even want to try any more therapies or anything. I'd choose death over a content life right now because contentment never lasts. I don't want to be trapped in this cycle of misery. Death is the only solution but I can't get it right and I'm scared of some of the methods of suicide. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be like this, or like anything in life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm still surviving but truly don't want to. I'm such a selfish hard to please person, I have support in place but at times it either feels like it's not enough or it's too much. I saw the CMHT crisis team today but felt very detached and hopeless. I agreed to the things they suggested but kept saying that I actually don't want to do any of this. They're fine with leaving things as they are because I'm most likely safe. I've to get a phone call from the informal crisis team this evening and that feels like too much in one day. I was supposed to go for a walk after seeing the CMHT crisis team, my idea and their idea, but the thought of bumping into people felt like too much. I plan my activities so I can avoid too much social contact or interaction. I'm never going to be able to deal with life and get something good from it.
I got a letter with a work capability questionnaire in it from the DWP this morning. Extra stress. The CMHT crisis team said they've changed things so that people with MH problems get more points than they used to and my CPN will be able to help me fill it in but I just remember all the trouble I've had in the past with getting my benefits sorted and going to tribunals and stuff. I know they have to review things at some point though. Maybe being told I'm capable of work would be a positive thing in that it might push me over the edge enough to kill myself without too much thought. I am absolutely terrified of any future but I am scared of the process of death. I don't know what to do.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I saw my CPN today and most of the appointment involved me telling her that I'm an awful person and her totally disagreeing and trying to get me to challenge my beliefs, as happens every time I see her. I have a new idea about a way to kill myself that fits in with what the men want and where I can communicate with them and get them to help me to the other world. I told my CPN but she doesn't think it will kill me, and I had a sort of partial practice with one of the elements involved and could barely last 20 minutes so that plan might be over. I think I should give it a try though. I'm waiting so see how I feel and how the men feel.
My CPN wants to see me again on Thursday and she's on crisis at the weekend when I think she's going to see me again. Everyone encourages me to spend time with friends but after my appointment I bumped into one of my friends and she spoke to me for 15 minutes and it was painful and exhausting.
I've got an appointment with a benefits advice place to get help filling in my work capability form. My CPN said battling with my mental health problems every day is like a full time job and she knows that having benefits reviewed stresses people. She said some of her patients now have to be reviewed every 18 months. I will probably be refused ESA completely. Stress.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think seeing my CPN more regularly is probably beneficial, it can help to talk through things. I'm not really getting much from the informal crisis team calls though since I just hate phone calls and if I've seen someone face to face during the day for support I don't want to talk again in the evening when crisis phone. If I did need to talk I probably wouldn't phone them though so it might be better to let them keep phoning for now and I can just tell them I'm not up to talking if that's how I feel.
I'm so terrified about being forced into work. I can barely cope with anything as it is. I really do hope that if the outcome of my ESA review is that I need to start looking for work then I will be able to kill myself. Many other people have killed themselves so I should be able to also. Please. I don't want to feel any more pain than I already do and even little things like more social contact stress me out. I really hate myself. Adult life is about getting a job and looking after yourself and others but I just fail at everything. I am still a vulnerable child trapped in an adult world. I'm trying to protect myself but if people don't understand that I can't cope with any more than I'm coping with right now then I will no longer be able to protect myself. I want to get death over with. I wish I had succeeded a long time ago. I wish I had never been born, I wasn't supposed to be born. My life is a pointless waste of time. Give it to someone who can use it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The informal crisis team phoned and it was the one person who I know for sure is never helpful. I didn't get to tell her how I'm feeling. The only question relating to my feelings that she asked was at the end when she asked if I would keep myself safe tonight. She didn't notice the pause before I said yes. I said yes because I heard their other phone ringing and because this person isn't helpful. Fuck staying safe, if I get to a really unsafe point I will embrace it. It's for the best.
If I was physically ill to the extent that I feel emotionally ill and in pain then I'd be dying. At least with serious physical illness that would mean a sure way out without me having to take things into my own hands. There is no quick bodily death resulting from emotional pain.
Please someone give me what it takes for me to kill myself. Desperate.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I saw my CPN again today, she was asking me a lot about what my emotional pain feels like and what causes it but I didn't really have the right words on the spot. My last psychologist said there are sometimes no words to strongly explain emotions but I'm usually reasonably ok at explaining things. I've to see my CPN again on Saturday when she's on crisis and she's going to come with me to my appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. She was talking a bit about would I be willing to try changing meds, which I would, but I don't think my psychiatrist will want to make any changes unless he believes that I still have a diagnosis of depression and anxiety alongside BPD, because he's a firm believer in no meds for BPD.
I was supposed to go to the gym group but decided against it last minute. When I was waiting for the bus my friend who was in hospital came. I was planning on going somewhere but she was going there too and I clumsily made excuses about why I actually had to go home after telling her where I was going in the first place. She seems better than she was but I'm really struggling with one to one social interaction. We were on the bus together for a bit so I could go home and she said I seem really happy. I put on such a good face.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I have no PRN meds, my psychiatrist is very anti meds in BPD. I'm surprised he even allowed me to change antidepressant when I first saw him.
I'm so worried about what will happen with my ESA. What if I have to go on Jobseekers and they arrange my appointments for the mornings and I really can't do early mornings? It's pathetic that I am so weak. I avoid every form of discomfort that I can because things that are uncomfortable for people are excruciating for me. So much about working involves things that I can't cope with. I was thinking last night that the most content period of my life was when I was on the support team here when I felt able to support well enough. I could never support people face to face and no job would be flexible enough to work around my frequent bad days. I did apply for a voluntary position with a new organisation to provide emotional support online but they were obviously wanting me to have training and stuff and commit to certain hours which I don't feel able to do.
I'm probably just a lazy, weak, idiot. Other people face up to so much more. I'm don't even cut my own grass FFS! I really annoy myself. I'm sick of myself. There is no point to me. I seriously need to be eliminated.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I keep focusing on how very soon my world might be made worse if I am taken off my benefits. It's hard to stay in the moment because I'm so worried. Before I was even told my ESA was going to be reviewed I thought a lot about being forced into work and now it is closer to coming true. One of my friends is having her ESA reviewed too and I know a lot of people are, someone on the crisis team said not to take it personally because lots of people are being reviewed. I'm not taking it personally but with everyone else being reviewed the assessors will probably want to get as many people off benefits as possible so I have less of a chance of staying on ESA. I really don't think I can deal with additional expectations.
I saw my psychiatrist today. My CPN spoke to him before my appointment and she also came in with me which was kind. He said a lot about how I'm doing much better than I have been because I've been out of hospital for nearly 9 months now so I must be coping with things better since he could see that I am distressed at the moment but still out of hospital. Maybe I am coping better, I'm having to because I can't seem to self harm much or do the risky things I used to which therefore keeps me out of hospital. He doesn't want to do anything with my meds, he said to my CPN beforehand that he thinks I'm strong enough to deal with things without meds and that they wouldn't be that beneficial right now anyway. He said that things will improve with time and will get less intense as I age. I don't want things the way they are now and I also don't want improvement, I just want death because I can't do life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm terrified of things continuing this way but it maybe scares me more that my psychiatrist has said things will be less intense as I age. When there is less intensity there is a kind of emptiness/very low feeling and I don't like that either. I don't think I'll ever be ok with whatever life I have and that sounds like I want so much more than everyone else has. I did think at one point that maybe I could cope with a library assistant job but that would only be if lots of conditions were met like it was in a library in my local area, if I could sort out my sleep, etc, and real life doesn't work out perfectly. Plus there are very few library assistant positions around and many people will have more experience than me.
I think I'm mostly back to my usual level of distress. I felt sort of ok on Thursday when I saw the crisis team but then ended up back in a dark place very quickly. I can barely achieve anything day to day and I'm so worried that I will not get a favourable outcome with my benefits review. How am I supposed to do anything more than I am capable of? The DWP won't understand.
How is it even possible to enjoy life? I do not want this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You do help people on here. I’m sorry things are so crap. Are you still seeing the crisis team? You seem to worry a lot about the future. Does your CC or anyone do any mindfullness with you?
Thank you. I've been seeing the CMHT crisis team, I've got an appointment booked in for Monday when my CPN is on the team and then I've to see my CPN for a normal appointment on Thursday. I stopped getting phone calls from the informal crisis team. I think after my appointment with my CPN on Thursday or maybe Monday my support will be reduced because I've had a ridiculously huge amount of support over the past 3 weeks and people will be starting to want me to cope on my own. The intensity of things has lessened anyway so I should be ok unless I'm only coping now because I've had so much support.
My previous psychologist tried to teach me mindfulness but I was quite anxious and I don't try it on my own because it seems like a waste of time to do the formal noticing the breath and stuff. I do manage to kind of stay mindful when I'm doing certain activities like reading. I do worry a lot about the future, I believe it's so I am prepared for the worst but I'm actually not doing anything actively to prepare I'm just worrying. I do recognise that and I know that I should be trying to make the most of the present moment and deal with my feelings that are here and now rather than adding additional feelings for me to cope with by thinking about what might happen in the future.
I just see everyone around me with jobs and partners and families and socialising and I feel completely unable to deal with any of those things. I can socialise for around 2 hours when it's in a group with a support worker and we're doing an activity some of the time rather than talking all the time. I avoid all 'friends' and one to one social interactions. I'm too kind to myself. I avoid as much discomfort as possible, I don't push myself. Things are hard enough right now and I don't want to put myself through anything additional. I really am pathetic. I seriously hope that if I'm forced into work or a situation that is equally as difficult then I will be able to kill myself because I can't imagine how I'd cope with additional life discomfort.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Why did it feel like a waste of time to try mindfulness on your own? I know sometimes things that people suggest can feel really pointless but equally, you don't lose anything by giving it a go, and it might actually help. How would you feel about trying again? You could ask your CPN to support you with it or try using an app like Headspace or Calm.
I'm sorry things are so difficult. It really doesn't matter what other people are doing, comparing yourself only ever ends up making you feel worse (I know it's not easy to stop though!) I understand (to an extent) how difficult it is to be worrying about having to look for work and such - but, as you know, that hasn't happened yet and you don't know that it will. I know you can't just stop, but maybe when you catch yourself having these thoughts you could find something to say to yourself, even just reminding yourself that it isn't happening now and/or trying to focus on something in the present?
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I'm sorry that things are so difficult. I hear you.
Hannah's suggestion of perhaps using the Headspace or Calm apps is a good one. I'm not at all good at doing mindfulness without guidance and some kind of background noise, as the silence is too much for me. Doing it with the app (I use Headspace, but there are a few good ones out there) makes it easier for me. Do you think you could try something like that? It's not some kind of magic cure, I know, but perhaps it would help take the edge off of the emotional pain sometimes?
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
