I have to pee but I'm taking my laptop to bed to sit with you, virtually, and make sure you're not sitting and waiting alone.
And pleaseee; do try and make this meeting as productive as it can be. Please listen to suggestions.
Meh.
We argued (the psych & I) - mother asked what the raised voices were about, i was like "Er..that would be me, shouting at him" heh. I basically had a go at him about the last appointment and how he recommended anti-depressants. He said i'm not psychotic so why do i want to go on AP's, i'm like, "Are you fucking thick? I have BPD - low dosags of AP's are used as a mood stabaliser - surely i shouldn't have to tell YOU that?" and then he agreed that's "right".
Anyway he's giving me the AP i said on the previous page, can't be arsed to find the name now. I had to "shake" his hand and say i'd give it a month. And yet, i lied through my fucking teeth. I'll be picking my AP up either tomorrow or Thursday, and under no circumstance am i changing my plans, despite the way i blagged it. Atleast i don't believe i will. We'll see how the next few days ago.
He mentioned about coming Friday on his own - er, not keen on that. Gemmas in training so won't beable to attend. Friday is my day. THE day should i say.
Atleast i've got out of them "breeching confidentiality" and telling my mother, and atleast i've got out of them giving me the crisis team. Those were my main goals anyway.
He did mention a section a few times but i won't be sectioned. He just explained it to me as i mentioned it. :)
I'm hiding away again. They were on there way to see my GP from here to talk to him. Blahblah.
Can't think right now on what else happened. BANGING headache. He told me if i committed suicide i'd be going to Hell and i LOL'd loudly. Told him what a load of bollocks. Lol. Twat. Like that's going to scare me. I'm 22, not 12, ty. Dick.
Erm if i think of anything else i'll add it.
XX
P.S. Do psychs usually give out there work email addresses to patients?!
Well, why not give the AP's a go? What have you got to lose, you could just postpone your plan till later, but give yourself a chance to let these work.
Thinking of you still xx
Oh, and I think some do give them out, it must depend really on personal preference.
But then if i postpone them it will be the same bullsh*t then won't it? Everyone will want me to postpone it again, everyone will want me to continue meeting all these people from the services, everyone will want me to give this/that/the other a go. I've tried for 2 years and i'm exhausted. I've fought too hard and made too many plans and come too far to just dismiss them all.
And not to mention the fact i'd feel like a fraud if i wasn't going to go ahead with them. Failure much?
And not to mention the fact i'd feel like a fraud if i wasn't going to go ahead with them. Failure much?
This is not a legitimate reason for commiting suicide. You wouldn't be being a fraud, you would be someone who has been brave enough to give it another shot.
Please think about postponing your plans.
Thinking of you
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
No they were speaking out of spite because what i've said to them in the F&CQ thread they've just got arsey with.
I'm not stupid. It had nothing to do with them being "hurt".
I was swaying last night, but now i feel like i'm leaning more towards continuing with my plans. I can't fucking cope. I've had to delete 3 people from my LJ Friends List because i simply can't cope with fake people, i thought they were someone they aren't, and that upsets me.
It's not just that. I phoned Dr.Newson today RE: migraines. Because i'm on the highest meds that he can give me he said that he'd want me to go into hospital and i flat out refused. I'd rather suffer for the rest of my life with throwing up and in agony than go back into that sh*thole. Nothing they can do for my migraine that i can't do at home.
But the funny thing is, when i asked about my anti-psychotic he has no idea about it haha. See? None of them communicate and it's me doing the f*cking running around after everyone. I'm NOT DOING IT ANYMORE.
Hey Laura, as Controlfreak asked - do you mean as in a general ward?
btw my mum used to have many more migraines than she does now - only occasionally now and when she does get them she has meds that make them less severe and for shorter periods. She gets less of them b/c of some other meds to help prevent them - I don't know how it works though.
My heart sank when you said that you were leaning towards continuing with your plans, you can change your mind and we would all be there to support you.
Did you pick up the AP prescription? Are you going to give them a go?
pm/text me.
*hugs*
Thinking of you!
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I know you are trying to let this drop of the first page but you are worth so much and have been so great to me recently. I want you to stay around so we can continue to be friends and I can come and see you. Thinking of you loads hun!
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
ive just read this thread laura and its making me cry
you sound like such a lovely person, who is so loved here and has helped so many people
please, try and reconsider. there's always another way.
what if you ended everything and then if you'd have been with us one more day something amazing happened and your life was changed forever?
please don't give up
x
I don't want this to drop off the first page because i feel it's somewhere for me to come and talk..but at the same time, i feel like a selfish person in using up space when others are more in desperate need of support.
Starseeker - thankyou for your kind words, it means a lot.
I don't really know what to say. I managed to force myself to take my first AP this morning and..just, gah. I feel like now i've taken it i can't DO my plans. Tomorrow morning i would have been leaving the house at 6/6.30am and "doing the deed". I know tomorrow / the weekend is going to be rough for me and i can't really say whether or not i will get through it without attempting something.
I just feel all over the place. I feel rejected for some reason. I feel lonely. I feel..emotional. All i want to do is SLEEP but i can't, i sleep through the night but wake up every 2 hours (on the dot), have a smoke, then go back to bed. I shouldn't complain, atleast i'm sleeping, but i still feel so terribly exhausted.
Thankyou all for your wonderful words of support and love..it truely means so much to me, really it does. I don't know what i'd do without you guys.
I'll probably update a lot more often on here over the next few days but..i still feel like a tw*t in taking up space that others are more deserving of support.
Hm.
x
Hey darlin,
I think it's good that you keep us updated, you deserve to have a space to talk and be heard, and where we can give you support, too.
I'm proud of you for taking your first AP, I'm glad you've given it a go, and I hope it will help you.
I'm sorry your emotions are so scattered & feeling rejected. I really think you should be careful with yourself, avoid the discussions here if you're upset by them and just use this weekend to take care yourself and try and take it easy, you know, do things that make you feel good, or even just less-bad.
I pray that you don't wake up & do the deed tomorrow, I really do. By then I'll be at work, but I'll be thinking of you all day.
