Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

Jillian is the first of my voices, and the strongest. She doesn't like me, she never has. She was my third year neuroanatomy lecturer in real life. She never liked me in real life either. As far as I know though, she is not dead.

I don't really know what I need, but thanks Emma for the hugs. *cuddles in to you tightly*.

I see my pdoc next Tuesday. At the present I'm just fighting to hold it together.

[ravynsoul]

*hugs* don't have many words; but i'm hoping time passes quickly for you till your appointment. Keep fighting; you're an amazingly strong person.

[Living Dead Girl]

*hugs* take care of yourself xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Firstly I want to say thank you to everyone and anyone who takes the time to either read or reply (or both) to what I'm writing. I presently feel a little isolated and perhaps ostracised by and from those close to me at the present time, and it really means a lot to me that I have somewhere I can use to release these emotions. I'm sorry if I don't always respond to your replies, but I have been reading them.

I've been feeling a little more emotional recently ... possibly related to my lack of medication and/or sleep, or perhaps because I have been feeling like I'm not getting anywhere in my life at present and keep wanting to hurt myself in various ways and to various extents no matter what I try and do.

I'm hypomanic at the moment. A really weird place for me to be when I've been so down recently. I laugh, I smile, I crack jokes that others can't understand ... But, I also overreact to things that would normally not be an issue. My brain (or at least the part of it that is rational and logical) isn't always switching itself on properly. Like last night I literally pegged a couple of cushions at someone because they wouldn't let me watch a particular tv show. That's just not like me. I did manage to catch myself before throwing either a glass or a DVD though. It was kind of freaky.

Hopefully it has stopped raining now. I won't hold my breath though. I am so sick of bailing water out. It was pretty much a constant job yesterday and gave me a blister on my non-dominant hand and a latex burn on my dominant hand. Mind you, I wouldn't have gotten the second one if I wasn't allergic to latex LOL.

I find out soon whether one of my housemates is working today. He may not be if the weather is as extreme as it was yesterday.

I want to start singing weird songs really loud. La la la!!

[ravynsoul]

hi Kahlia, glad to hear from you; how are you feeling today?

Hope the raining has stopped.

Take care *hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

Lack of internet, lack of sleep and my head is not a good combination. Especially when you throw my parental units into the mix. The female parental unit keeps telling me all the stuff I should be doing and how I'm not doing well enough. The male parental unit is attempting to fix my car. He's been going on it for almost 3 hours now and I'm getting extremely stressed. I can't wait to hear what else is my fault and what else is going to go wrong because I'm hopeless at maintaining my car . . . Meh.

I was trying to have a conversation with my female parental unit a bit earlier on this morning. I was trying to talk to her about something in my personal situation. She told me flat out that it wasn't important, and didn't matter, and then started going in to a litany of her life's issues. I get told how good my sister is and how she is holding down a job, and why don't I go out and get a young man - and then in the next breath - how do I think I could possibly subject any man to my pathetic whining and irrational nature.

My female parental unit was stressing to me how lucky I am that my male parental unit is attempting to fix the car and berating me because I commented that I hadn't wanted to spend 30 minutes driving out here so that I could just sit around for a few hours with another 30 minute drive ahead of me to get back. I mentioned to her the possibility of swapping cars, so I had the one that they don't use as often but "oh no, we might need that car, or your sister might need to borrow it".

It's my fault that the car is having an issue. I should have brought it out sooner. If they weren't putting themselves at an inconvenience for me I would have had to take it to a garage and paid for it... This is their current attitude. Point 1: I know it isn't my fault. My brother-in-law even said as much. The noise is the car's way of letting you know it is getting close to time to replace the brake shoes. Point 2: I brought the f*cking car out the day it started making the noise and asked them if I could leave it out here and swap cars so that the male parental unit could look at it when he had time. At this point in time the male parental unit told me straight out that the noise was quite simply a hallucination and that I was wasting his time. Also, that I couldn't be trusted with one of their cars. Point 3: Okay, granted. If he wasn't looking at it I would be forced to take it to a garage. Yes, he is doing me a favour. I can quite easily accept that. What I object to is the attitude that comes with it. (You better appreciate this you ungrateful maggot.)

*screams long and hard while beating her fists against a wall*

On another note - while I can still think of other things, and also because I need to remind myself of something that put me in a better mood before I completely lose the plot - last night I went into town with one of my housemates. It was really fun and in some ways hilarious.

See, he doesn't really go out and drink very often. More often than me, but that is not difficult . . . Anyway, he commented to the guys at work while enjoying a beer with them before coming home that he was going to go to the pub, and one of the guys was accusing him of going to the gay pub. Long story short . . . We did go to the gay bar, and I got some photos of him there. He was pissed - whether he admits that this morning or not - to the point where he kept having difficulty standing up and I was getting worried he would fall off the bar stool. We ended up going home fairly early . . . much earlier than he had originally anticipated I'm sure. The night was quite enjoyable, from my point of view anyway.

Let us see what today will bring . . . and if I'll ever be able to leave my parental units place.

[ravynsoul]

*hugs Kahlia* Sorry to hear about the troubles with your parental units... I would be incredibly frustrated too! Hopefully you can leave there soon.

Must say that your story about your friend was quite amusing!

How are things today?

[Kahlia1981]

Yay, only about a month until I can go to uni. G.d that must sound weird. I prefer to be studying my arse off though . . . it gives me less time to let my psycho head do whatever the heck it wants to do. It also gives me a purpose - even if sometimes that purpose is just to live long enough to attend my next lecture. Not to mention, I really do enjoy studying. I'm not exactly sure why but, meh.

My mood has been all over the place recently. Quite possibly due to the lack of meds, but I just can't seem to make myself take them. I took half of an olanzapine wafer last night. Blech, did it ever taste awful. I did get some sleep because of it though. I crashed out like you would never believe.

Anyway, not long until a return to uni. Thank the heavens.

[Kahlia1981]

I want to run. Just run away from myself and my life and never return. It's getting too much. I want out. Can I leave now?

My pdoc told me in my appointment on Tuesday after I'd opened up to him about my disordered thinking about eating and the way it has been attacking me recently that I needed to lose weight anyway and it wasn't something that we really had to worry about at this point in time. He laughed and said "it's not like you were 40 kilograms to start with. Then we'd have something to worry about". Now I have the incredible desire to get down to 40 kilos so I can ask him straight out whether it was worth worrying about now. Also all the ana thoughts and temptations that I have been constantly battling just seem overwhelming.

I just want to give in.

On the good side . . . my room is fairly clean because in order to make sure that I didn't hurt myself (less than 12 hours away from being SI free for 5 months) I threw myself headlong into cleaning and organising it. Still have some cleaning to do before it reaches a stage I'm perfectly happy with, but a darn sight closer.

I've got my uni textbooks and have started studying. I think I'm going to start falling asleep while reading them though ... Not that that is a bad thing however.

* * *

Be Right Back - I'm going to find myself. If I leave before I get back please be sure to let me know.

[Kahlia1981]

Room = clean;
Head = ****edUp;

I think one of my housemates thinks that I'm not eating properly at the moment. I've thought that for a little while ... probably since the other day when he asked me if I was feeling sick because there was food in the house and I wasn't even looking interested in it. Today though ... I don't know. It was like he was trying to convince me that I need to eat, and he said straight out in front of my other housemate that I need to get food inside me. I think I may have to go a little more secretive.

Right now I think I'd like to remove myself from the world for eternity. I've had as much as I can take. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I just don't know how to cope anymore. meh

[Kahlia1981]

Hmmm that reminds me. When my male parental unit replaced the brake pads on my car he didn't completely tighten the nuts on the wheels. So ... yesterday when I was driving home after picking my housemate up ... we think we were lucky not to lose the front passenger side wheel. My housemate could loosen the nuts on that wheel with his bare hands - well 3 out of 4 of them anyway. More than just a little scary. My male parental unit apologised for it via my female parental unit last night but ...

I believe that we are going to replace the windscreen in my car this weekend. It needs it badly. Technically it's still legal as it (the crack) hasn't gone through the laminate, but ...

-----

My nose and stomach are collaborrating at the present time. I'm beginning to feel dizzy, faint and incredibly unwell when I smell food. It's like the smell is magnified 1000 times or something. It seems to be overwhelming, to take over the perceivable world.

I don't know anymore. Maybe my doctor is right and my thoughts and behaviours regarding food are not anything to worry about. I definitely do need to lose weight - even though the only reason I am the size I am is because of a certain medication that I was put on a number of years ago. Maybe I should just give in and hope for the best ...

[ravynsoul]

*hugs* I'm listening.. don't have words to say.. but am here.

[Kahlia1981]

I don't know whether I want to cry or scream right at the moment. I really just want to die. I don't think that I can handle this anymore.

I was going to tell my pdoc when I saw him on Tuesday how close I had been to hanging myself over the last few weeks ... but after his reaction to the other I just couldn't do it. Now i'm so intensely triggered to just go and do it. I'm struggling to see a reason to keep going at all

I always swore I wouldn't kill myself until I was skinny and beautiful so that noone would be embarrassed about my fat arse while having to undertake any of the burial undertakings. Now I'm close to forgetting about that altogether and just trying to follow through. I know that I would quickly be forgotten about by the people irl.

I just don't want to hurt anymore.

[Kahlia1981]

We went out again on Friday night. This time my housemate got totally plastered. We were in a gay bar and he kept telling everyone (at the top of his voice) that he was practicing being heterosexual for work on Tuesday. He remembers almost nothing.

Anyway, while we were out a guy sat beside me and was trying to crack onto me. He kept putting his arms around my shoulders and I kept removing it from my shoulder. He saw the marks on my arm and was trying to ask me about them while his hand was moving up and down on my back ... for some reason it triggered memories that I thought I would never have to deal with again.

---
The memories have now turned into flashbacks of the rape. The flashbacks take over every one of my senses and invade my physical world completely. My skin burns where he touched me, my heartbeat changes, people in the world around me become either surreal or a picture of him. I'm having to fight for my life, my sanity and to stay in the here and now. The thoughts of suicide are running so high that I'm pretty sure I'm going to give in and follow through on them. We watched a movie yesterday - The Crow - and I kept talking about how I'd like the collection of swords and knives et cetera. I started biting my wrist to try and find a way of dealing with the pain as I've never learnt how to deal with emotional pain.

I wanted to tell my housemate but I can't seem to find the words. I need support from somewhere but there doesn't seem to be anywhere I can get it from. I was thinking of emailing or otherwise writing things down for him because I'm just not capable of talking about it. I'm not even sure why I want to tell him ... it's not like he can really help me. I think I just feel like I need to tell someone and this is a field where there aren't many possibilities.

Maybe I should just run...

[Tears of Solitude]

My thoughts are with you xxx

Jade xxx

[Kahlia1981]

I wrote an email to my housemate. I don't know when he will get it or if he will even read it. I ended up having having to put what was going on in the form of a story in third person because otherwise I just couldn't do it at all. I really hope that he will understand, and also that he will forgive me for not being able to tell him. I feel slightly more in control after having written about it ... I'm just a little worried about his reaction. And I don't know why.

Jade : Thank you.

[ravynsoul]

well done for emailing your housemate. Hope that he understands and is helpful. *hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

I want to scream .... *screams long and hard*
I want to cry ... but I'm scared to at the same time because once I start I feel as if I will never stop. And then I stop crying and just feel like I want to start again - or that I want to release the bright red scream. Another memory of a tortured past.

I must scream but I have no mouth
I must run but I have no feet
I must live but I have no life
The wheel turns and all is one ...

My housemate hasn't talked to me about the email or anything in it. I don't know if he has actually read it yet. I'm still a little nervous about his reaction. I also am still not sure why I even wrote it to him, why I felt this need to reach out to him. My thoughts are just not clear at present.

I want - I need - to make my head stop. To make the flashbacks stop. To give me some form of release. My sleep disorder is returning along with the other symptoms of my disorder. I wish there was a way out other than the one that keeps placing itself in my thoughts. If I don't concentrate hard I find myself looking at pictures of nooses and other implements of self destruction.

I want out. I am sick of this. It has to get better right?? Goddamn I don't think it can get much worse. I need someone to hold me and to tell me that it will be alright but no-one can. I wish they could.

[Kahlia1981]

My housemate has read the email. He gave me a hug and talked to me about it. He also told me not to stress about waking him if it becomes necessary. In some ways it was exactly the sort of reaction that I needed. I think he understands why ....

I think I'd like to just curl up and cry for a bit now.

[wildly insane]

*hugs Kahlia* keep fighting hun