Motherf***er no, please no....

[Diamonds.]

Hey babes.

I'm glad you've stood up to her. I'd be scared incase she turned her anger into something fierce. But don't let her! Tell her she's not using your mind for her fun and games!

xxx Love you xxx

[Steel Maiden]

Hi Rebecca,
I will ask her (she's sulking again) later if she could just be nicer to me and then we wouldn't have to go through all those arguments.
I have a maths exam and two chemistry exams today.
I had a turbulent night; she woke me up three times and wouldn't go away.
I wish I lived with someone more understanding than my Mother.
Now I must go back and revise.
Thank you Rebecca.
I didn't self-harm last night which was good. But the urge to SI, OD and drink is still there.
Hm.
Oly xxxxx

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Good luck sweety, don't give into the urges, you can do this. I really hope the exams go okay xxx

[Diamonds.]

Love you hunny.

I'm here for you.

xxxx

[Steel Maiden]

Exams were fine, I think.

I have two biology exams tomorrow. Biology....gzz

The Woman nearly made me throw a chair at someone today, and she told me that the police are going to pay me a visit soon.

Thanks for staying around, you do help.

xxxx

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steel Maiden

Exams were fine, I think.

I have two biology exams tomorrow. Biology....gzz

The Woman nearly made me throw a chair at someone today, and she told me that the police are going to pay me a visit soon.

Thanks for staying around, you do help.

xxxx

It's great that you're fighting though hun, every little thing that you do to fight the women (hence why I bolded nearly because it's awesome that you didn't do it) is a credit to you and shows how storng you are. We all believe in you and are here for you, and are proud of you for everyday you get through with the Woman.

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks Abigal, your words brighten me up.
I won't let her destroy me. Sometimes she says "oh, I'll make you ruin your life; I'll make you end up in prison", but I refuse. I am looking at going to Cambridge (physics), I'm looking at doing research later on in life...discovering something new...I can't throw my life away.
But I do admit I've been SI-ing in response to her.
I'm exhausted.
I've been eating quite a lot, but I've somehow lost weight, which is not good for me.
Thanks x.

[GrimmFaerieTale]

I was in the middle of writing a reply earlier and my computer crashed - grrr!! Anyway! As Fallen Rain said, well done for not giving into her, for fighting back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steel Maiden

I won't let her destroy me. Sometimes she says "oh, I'll make you ruin your life; I'll make you end up in prison", but I refuse. I am looking at going to Cambridge (physics), I'm looking at doing research later on in life...discovering something new...I can't throw my life away.

That is an absolutely amazing attitude to take, it takes so much strength to decide something like that **hugs**

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks amialone.
I am doing my a-levels atm, so I'm trying to to show the Woman that she is a useless person and that she doesn't deserve to exist. I am going to make her life Hell so that she will go away.

I've been SI-ing because every time I hurt myself, the Woman flinches in pain, so I figure the more I hurt myself, the more pain she'll feel and hence the quicker she will go away.

[GrimmFaerieTale]

The first part I totally agree with, and I really hope she takes the hint and gets the hell out of your life. (Hint Woman, GO AWAY!)
Sweety, I know it's hard at the moment, but I really really hope you manage to find something other than SI to get rid of her, as it's doing you damage as well as her, and I think she's hurting you so much more than anyone deserves. Which is any hurt really, because no-one deserves to hurt. I didn't explain that very well at all, but hopefully you get what I mean!
Have the HTT or your form teacher been anymore help? xxx

[Steel Maiden]

My form teacher can't help me any more. He has only so much power. Although he has been talking to me a lot and making sure that I'm alive.
I haven't taken my lunchtime dose for the past three days because I've been having exams and didn't want to get tired. So paranoia is through the roof. But I have been taking my evening doses. My formteacher was a bit annoyed with me when I told him that I hadn't been taking my lunchtime doses.
The HTT are seeing me tomorrow. The problem is, is that I am sure that if I tell them everything, they will tell my Mum as they have in the past. Which is strange because I'm over 18.
I've been (and moderators please remove this if it is inappropriate to describe this) sticking pins into myself to make the Woman feel pain. Its the only only only way that I can hurt her, the only way I can push her away.
I had 3 1/2 hours of biology exams in one go today, so am exhausted and I'm not doing any work today because the Woman really won't let me.
Thanks xxx

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Is there any way you can ask your HTT not to talk to your mum? I don't have any experience with teams like that, but it does sound strange that they do that if you're over 18.
I understand why you're not wanting to take your lunchtime dose, is there any way you can talk to your doctor about altering your meds for your exams? It my be a bit late for that now though as you've already done a lot, so I'm not sure if I can suggest anything that may actually help you. Sorry.
Just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking of you and wanted to remind the Woman that SHE ISN'T WANTED!!
**hugs**

[Diamonds.]

Oly,

your going through so much atm. I feel for you. Your so brave and an idol to me.

I love you so much. My schizophrenia would be so so hard to deal with without you.

xx

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by amialone

Is there any way you can ask your HTT not to talk to your mum? I don't have any experience with teams like that, but it does sound strange that they do that if you're over 18.
I understand why you're not wanting to take your lunchtime dose, is there any way you can talk to your doctor about altering your meds for your exams? It my be a bit late for that now though as you've already done a lot, so I'm not sure if I can suggest anything that may actually help you. Sorry.
Just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking of you and wanted to remind the Woman that SHE ISN'T WANTED!!
**hugs**

Thanks x
I will ask them explicitly not to talk to my Mum. I will make them agree to not talk to my Mum and then I will tell them things. If they then go back on their word and say they have to talk to my Mum, I will show them the door.
I can go back on my lunchtime dose now as no exams except for Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday's exam is in the morning so I can take my lunchtime dose.
The Woman is reading this and I'm liking it because you offended her, which is great, thank you so much. The more the Woman is offended and knows that she isn't wanted, the better.
You are great.
Thanks xxxxx

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebecca_x

Oly,

your going through so much atm. I feel for you. Your so brave and an idol to me.

I love you so much. My schizophrenia would be so so hard to deal with without you.

xx

Thanks xxx
Do you live anywhere near London? We should meet up because I would love to get to know you better.
Why is your status "losing it"? Are you ok? Do you want to PM me?
Schizophrenia is a killer. Its a horrible illness; it feels like a mental emphysema; in emphysema every breath is difficult (because the lungs are damaged), in schizophrenia everyTHING is difficult.
And although schizophrenia doesn't have a "cure", only a "treatment", we can still live life to its full potential if we keep fighting, keep strong, keep our chins up and look into the sky not down at the ground. You sound like a clever girl, and I know that you can do good things in life.
The bad thing is that schizophrenia is poorly understood these days...my Mum won't let me tell anyone I have it and she screamed at me when I told Cambridge and UCL about it, even though the unis were really understanding.
If you ever need to talk, I am a PM away. I go on the internet at least once a day so I'll be around.
I love you too.
I really just want to get a knife and tear my skin to shreds, but I've got to keep going...its my future that I'm aiming for.
xxxxx

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Glad I offended her, she deserves all the negativity she can get! I really hope they are able to not speak to your parents, as it sounds like you could really do with some proffesional help getting rid of her and they could be very helpful if they aren't going to break confidentiality. **hugs**

[Steel Maiden]

Confidentiality rules are awful these days. I don't see why my Mum should be told anything about me because every time I tell her about the voices/people etc, she starts shouting at me to "grow up" and "they're not f***ing real, get over it" and etc.
My Mum asked what the small red circular marks are on my leg and I said I didn't know, could be a rash. I can't stop stabbing myself with pins. I want to tell the HTT about my SI but I am worried that they will tell my Mum. Last time I had a bad period of SI, and she found out about it, she said "why don't I get you some pins for Christmas, then you can stab yourself as much as you want." B*tch.
Thanks for being around. Due to lack of support in real life, my internet friends (like Rebecca and amialone) keep me going.
Thanks for the hugs xxxx

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Why is your mum so unsupportive of you? It must be so so hard to be going through this without her support. Can you ask the HTT why they have spoken to your mother in the past? Is there anyone in 'real life' who supports you? Or you can talk to at all without any worry it'll get back to your mum? I don't mean that to sound like I'm trying to get of you, NOT AT ALL, but sometimes a face-to-face chat can be helpful at all.
Would watching the pretty horses on the Trooping of the Guards help at all in terms of distraction? xxx

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by amialone

Why is your mum so unsupportive of you? It must be so so hard to be going through this without her support. Can you ask the HTT why they have spoken to your mother in the past? Is there anyone in 'real life' who supports you? Or you can talk to at all without any worry it'll get back to your mum? I don't mean that to sound like I'm trying to get of you, NOT AT ALL, but sometimes a face-to-face chat can be helpful at all.
Would watching the pretty horses on the Trooping of the Guards help at all in terms of distraction? xxx

My Mother fails to understand my illness, and I think that when I was born, she had an "ideal daughter image" in her head of this happy, popular girl who loves wearing nice clothes and talks about girl stuff with her popular friends etc etc, and I never lived up to that. Not that I really care though.
The HTT say that because my Mother lives with me in the same house, it is their responsibility to talk to her if I am of any risk to myself or others. I will tell them that I am not going to tell them anything if they will tell my Mum and I will tell them about how unsupportive she is.
I have an internet friend who I met up with yesterday in Wimbledon, and he's really helpful. I think I could talk to him. My real life friends are a bit useless, but I can talk to my Dad, he understands. Only problem is, is that my Mother has banned me from communicating with him in any way, so if I talk to him, it will have to be in secret.
Nice distraction tip lol =)

I can't concentrate on my revision and I only have three more exams left. I'm exhausted and the Woman is so horrible that I keep wanting to slash myself up until I faint so that I can kill her. The voices are still around and I feel paranoid about everything.

Sigh.

I have to go and revise somehow.

Thanks xxxxx.

[Steel Maiden]

I am going INSANE. The voices are killing me. I tried playing a really loud and angry Chopin piece on the piano to kill the voices off but it hasn't worked.