Back again,
This time I cut before I even got around to posting. I've just broken a 6 month period of no cutting.
I am in such a mess right now I don't know where to turn and I don't know what to do.
On the outside I look like me, the happy cheery person who's always reliable and always there when someone needs her.
Inside I'm argry, upset, depressed and wanting to curl up and give up on everything.
How did I ever get in this state?
2 weeks ago I was doing ok, I'd just come back from 2 fantastic weeks holiday with my Dad and Finacee. Now, I've had enough and I give in.
Don't know what I'm looking for by posting here again, but thought I'd let someone know how I'm feeling. Which is all honesty is CRAP!
Best Wishes to all.
Liz
How do you go from two fantastic weeks to giving up?
There is something missing here. Either leading up to this cutting incident or inbetween getting back from holiday.
May i make a suggestion? read your signature and imagine you were PMing yourself. I think you need to listen to yourself and not judge........
.....you deserve compassion too :)
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Hi Nija,
many thanks for your reply.
I was feeling low beforethe 2 weeks holiday. I had hoped that the holiday would pick me up and I'd feel better and more able to cope with things.
That's why it only lasted 2 weeks before I was feeling down again.
I would listen to myself if I knew what I was saying and what was causing me to feel so bad.
I think I'm just expecting too much of myself and pushing myself too hard to achieve everything o 100% performance.
Work is really boring at the moment as well so I have too much time on my hands to think, which leads me to feeling more dpressed.
Today is going better and I have more to do, although I'm not sure it will last all week. We'll have to wait and see. I think I'm back to taking one day at a time, rather than one month at a time as it has been previouly.
I'll get there in the end, one day.
Liz
Last edited by squiggles : 15-11-2010 at 04:49 PM.
Reason: Formatting
Here I am again,
Why can't this life be easier? Why do we have contact challenges?
I not feeling perhaps as bad as I have done in the past and at present have not harmed, although I have thought about it a lot.
Work is still boring, I can't believe it's been so quiet for so long. I'm sre sometime soon it will have to pick up.
I'm working hard at Uni, I have an exam next weekbut I really don't care about it. I've lost interest in it at the moment. I know it's important as it's my future and my career this is about but I don't care.
I dunno, I just came here to waffle and type out some of my thoughts.
All the best.
Liz
Round and round in circles we go.
Back again.
I SI'd on Wednesday and I'm close to it again today.
On Wednesday I called a friend and she gave me some encouragement and focussed me on my faith and on God. Today I know that's what I should be doing and I have Christian music on to try and distract me but it's not making much difference. It's just making me want to turn it off so that when I SI I won;t feel so guilt as I'll be letting God down again.
Before you ask what's triggering it I haven't got a clue. I'm frightened of the future. I'm frightened of getting married, part of me is really excited about it and the other half wants to run away and thrown it all away.
I want to be happy but I don't deserve it.
I feel like everything is closing in on me and I can't get away from it. SIing will be letting everyone down but I don't know of any other option.
What a mess again.
Liz
Hi Grace,
No I don't see a Dr or Therapist. I've never actually sought professional help for my SH. I guess I'm frightened to as I don't want to be put on tablets or perhaps I just don't want to face what ever is causing this.
Friends at church fully believe that I will be healed and I will come to rely on God rather than trying to do things in my own strength. Maybe one day I will believe this to, until I believe it things won't change and I will continue to go round in circles.
Liz
Still here, been in and out over the past few weeks. Triggered and more.
I know I should look to move on and give up SH but I can't seem to do it.
I know SH, I feel comfort in SH.
If the image in my head were true I either wouldn't be here or I'd be sectioned. I hope that the image never comes true, yet I feel some comfort in having it and thinking about it.
I don't know where to turn anymore, I feel lost and alone.
I want to run away and give up on everything. Disappear forever.
Wanting to give up and turn away, wanting to disappear is understandable and oh so appealing some times. It is not the same as doing it though and from reading what you have written I am pretty confident you know that. Sometimes having an 'out' whilst not necessarily a healthy coping mechanism, can be a necessary crutch. That does not mean you should carry out that image or thought but more that you should not beat yourself up for having it in the first place and then finding it a comfort.
I also think that it might be time to consider taking the next step and considering speaking to a professional. I know that sounds like a cliche but if you are struggling, if you are in pain then talking to someone with experience in dealing with these specific things may help. You have the right to refuse medication, you have the right to make your own choice. Maybe talking to someone about your options is the way forward. I used to go to an evangelist church. I don't go anymore and I do not know where I stand with my beliefs. I do know though that God gives strength, God IS love and he does not want his children to be in pain. Sometimes healing and channeling his love is not the way he wants us to deal with our trials. Sometimes he challenges our courage and pushes us in another direction. Maybe talking to somebody is God's plan for you. I don't think you should feel you have let anybody down because you are not 'over' your trials.
Hi,
Back again. Seems I'm back here every month at the moment.
Today I'm doing ok so far. Yesterday was a big slip up with several scars, more than I've had in a long time. But I'm not going to dwell on them.
I dunno why I'm updating this thread, just to let people know I'm still here. Fighting the battle. Someday hoping to win once and for all.
My Pastor is going to spend some time with me over the next month or so to help me work through things, perhaps that will help me to sort this out. Fight through and let God take control of everything.
I have a feeling I'll end up having time off work which will be a novelty for me, although I'll resist that as far as I can but I think I'll probably want some space to work out my feelings etc at some point.
Anyway, bit of a pointless post really. Just to say hello.
Thanks Pomegranate for your words, they have been an encouragement to me. I read them a while ago and it was a real boost to be reminded of God's plan.
Liz
Hi All,
Been a while since I last updated my post so here goes.
I've been working witthe Pastor's wife on trying to break through my self harm and move forward. I've made good progress, haven't SH since before Easter which is more than a month ago.
I've had days and times when I've felt I wanted to and had huge fights not to do it. I've even given up my tools, which is a first. Even when I was SH free for 3 years I still had something I could use if needed.
I'm going throuh a bad patch at the moment and evey day seems to be a struggle I've been on RYL quite a bit, not necessarily contributing but just looking in to see what others have to say.
I am really tired at the moment and could do with some time off work, which is getting quite stressful again.
There is lots happening at work and as I'm the only Human Resources employee I have to deal with it all, I can't pass it on to anyone else.
I'm also still studying so I'm trying to juggle that alongside everything else, I enjoy the study but there are times when it can lead to a lot of pressure on me.
Anyway, hello to everyone and hope you are all well. I shall continue to fight and hopefully the 1 month will be built upon and soon it will be 2.
God Bless
Liz
Hi All,
Well it's now 5 months free.
I got married a month ago, it was a fantastic day. I was so pleased to be marrying the man of my dreams. He's wonderful.
Right now I'm struggling, wanting to harm but not able to because I will be letting myself and my husband down. I talked through this with the Pstors wife at great length before I got married and I was doing so well. I had deal with a lot of old issues and learing to be accepted for who I am.
Today I'm feeling down and not sure of what to do. I should pray, that's what my teaching would tell me, give my fears over to God.
I should read His word which will be an encouragement to me, prehaps even try and recall it.
The last thing I should do is dwell on the thoughts of self harm as this would allow the devil to take a strong hold, and he's not welcome in my life.
Oh, I'm waffling again. I just wanted some where to write my thoughts so that I could get them off my chest and move on for the rest of the day. ACtually able to get on and do some of the work I have on my desk. Non of which really interests me.
Maybe I'll add more thoughts later.
Congrats on being 5 months free, that is an awesome achievement. Also congrats on your marriage, may you have a long happy marriage. Try and keep reminding yourself of how far you have come. It would be a shame to throw it away, you deserve so much better for yourself. Think about how you can deal with these emotions more positively? Maybe try some journaling or even going for a walk. Hold on there hun xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Hi CrazyKat,
Thanks for your comments. I was just thinking I should start journalingagain. I did this loads when I was talking through stuff with the Pastor'swife. It helped a lot. I shall do this when I get home.
I think I need to tell my husband how I'm feeling but I don't like tobecause I can't pinpoint or explain why and that just makes him feel powerlessand unable to help me. He so wants to protect me but when I can't tell him whyI feel so bad he can't do anything to help.
I shall ask him to pray for me as I know he can do that and maybe that'llmake him feel like he has done something to contribute. I also feel like I wantto cry and perhaps I'll let some of this emption out when I see him later. Notsure though as I'm not very good at doing that.
Anyway, should get back to work. Managed to do some productive stuff sincethe last post so maybe I'll manage to finish the day at work now.
Thanks for reading.
God Bless.
Liz
I hope the journalling helps you again as it did before. I hope you manage to talk to your husband too so you have that extra support. Sometimes we can't always pinpoint why we feel a certain way but just having someone there is enough. Keep fighting xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Hi,
Been ok for a while. I have started to hournal again which has helped, gives me an escape for how I'm feeling.
I think my husbnd would prefer if I were to talk to him but I don't find that easy. I did talk through a particular issue that is concerning me on Sunday which he was ver supportive about but there isn't much he can do to change things, just be there to talk to which I know he will be.
At work today but don't really have a lot to do so it's going to be a long day. I hate it when it's so quiet, I have too much time on my hands to think about things. I do have a training that I need to put together but I'm not athat interested in it and also have a long time until the deadline which means I don't view it as that important at the moment.
I may try and do some study for university, although I shouldn't do it during work time at least it will keep me busy. Anyway, time to face the day
Liz
Hi,
Thanks, epecially thanks for reading the whole log. It's a bit of a long one as it's been going for a few years. I didn't realise how long until I read through it myself a while ago.
Although it was therapeautic to read through it and see how far I've come.
I'm still feeling fragile at the moment but I'm on top of things, not wanting to cut as much as I was the other day.
My husband is being really good to me as he knows it coming to that time of the month and he wants to be as supportive as he can. It's really nice to know how much he cares, sometimes I think he cares more about me that I do myself.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that things are going ok and have settled down for now.
Take care & God Bless
Liz
