How do YOU describe your Depression? *possibly triggering*

[EmJ]

For me it's like there's something missing. A fatal flaw in my creation. As though I'm a defective model, or something was left out.
It's a place in between dead and alive. You have to go on being alive but without actually living.
It is rage and sorrow and confusion and pain and fear all together, but it's also a complete absense of feeling.
It feels like my insides are tied into knots and nothing can untangle them.

[Cathy]

For me it's a safety net.

[Shadow Z]

I don't know if any of you have seen this movie, it just came out in theaters in the U.S, 1408. Don't want to spoil anything but anyway, as I was walking out of the theater it hit me why I thought I was feeling something familiar. At its worst, my depression feels a lot like being in that room in that movie. Being all alone (even when if I'm next to others, even if I'm trying to connect), feeling hopeless, bad memories resurfacing, sometimes seeing suicide as the only way out, and other stuff.
Btw it's a great movie IMO.

[someone-hiding]

Often I walk down the road, and it feels like I am in a Tim Burton movie. With all the trees branches, twisting and creaking in the wind. Everything appears grey, and all I can think about is curling up in a ball and wishing it would all leave me alone.

[theoretical]

When someone seems to want a physical description, I say that it's like a giant creature attached to my stomach, sucking the life and happiness out of me, leaving me with a sinking feeling of impending doom.

But when I describe it to myself, trying to rationalize it, I personify it even more. It's a person who hates me and wants me to feel bad for everything I've ever done, who whispers horrible things in my ears at night and makes me believe them. From my mouth he speaks atrocities, pushing away everyone who tries to get close. Even on the good days, any feelings of happiness are laced with the fear of the fall into a depression that might be worse than the day before. I never know what to expect, because every time I've told myself it cant get worse, it has.

[Porphy]

It feels like a familiar friend, like a well worn jumper. But, at the same time it's unescapable.

It's like no one can see me and no one cares and all I need to fix me is a hug that no one wants to give.

[EmJ]

I thought another one today.

Depression is like being at war with myself.

[OkieDokie]

To me it's a constant state of sadness, without knowing why. I feel like a shadow, like a hollow shell. Like I'm slowly being suffocated.

[theunweavedrainbow]

it feels like my mind is a broken mirror. each splinter is beautiful but still broken and there's no way of making it whole. it feels like there's a scary monster at the back of my mind and the only way to make it go away is through blood. it feels like i'll never be happy. i feel so...alone.

[Margo]

Zeitgeist - Its like a dementor attack

[one_step_closer]

I ask people to imagine how they'd feel if someone really close to them died, then take away that death, the person is still alive but the horrible desperate feelings are still there.

[Mabska]

It is like people say, a black cloud that you're not always even aware of until it lifts for any reason, for a time; itis always sucking away all your energy and motiviation....often without you even realising it.

For me, it is existing instead of living.

Feeling nothing, yearning to feel something but then when you do, it just hurts too much.

And your throughts overwhelm you in a way that no-one understands, or would want to.

[bleedingdragon]

Dont get me started ,
sorry for following description its only my description,

i feel its deep inside me, my dark part i can not escape from yet,
attached to me like my shadow, by my trauma and part of the depression
just check out my artwork on creative corner
alot of my artwork is too triggery to show

In some its a black cloud of depression and trauma an extension of my shadow of my dark part of me inside myself, , and the dark part of me threatening to smother me at times , holding me back , playing a game with me. with red eyes that are my trauma burning deep inside me.
like an eternal fire. engulfing me,
and it can sink in on me and weigh me down enclosing me in its embrace.

its also like a big black namless shape changing ancient beast that hunts me, by scent, which is my trauma and its allways close by or in the shadows waiting to attack, Its a dark part of me inside too, that hunts me in there, i fight it often, but it keeps changing and coming back.
I also fight myself too to escape, aswell as my depression/trauma


just enough to screw me up. Like its been passed onto me by my ex, like my shadow, you cant escape your shadow.

you can escape your shadow normally only when your in darkness i guess everythings dark then, you cant see it,
but i feel its still there in the darkness to.

daylight brings it out, except until i heal my trauma enough it will allways be in the daylight with me too.

its depression and trauma rolled into one hell of a knightmare, it has my scent and can pull me down and overpower me, or hold
me back and give me the feeling its close by but i cant see it its waiting for the next attack.

its an ancient army of shapechanging creatures that no matter how much you destroy them re appear
because they are now a dark part of me, one after the other, a never ending army, i become exhasted fighting them for control.
they never fully defeat me for they thrive on my terror, loss, pain, suffering, hatred, and gain strength from my battle and my struggle, making me feel like i would rather go mad instead loosing my mind, and somehow escape them.

like I wish i could give it back to my ex and my bully, but its too late, i have to destroy it, or learn to dilute it enough to live with it.
but how do you rip out something so horrible thats become a part of you,

i once had it figurativly round its neck, scared to let it go, till it broke loose.

enough of that sorry

[~KemicalRain~]

right here we go forgive me for the length

my depression is

my body no mattter how hard i try i cant get my body perfect it will never be perfect and my body makes me feel the way i do sometimes

food no matter what i do or how i eat i always feel down about it so food is also my depression

my mind my mind always wondering about all the bad things that are going to happen never focusing on the positive things and where i could be but how i shouldnt be and how messed up i am

my friends because i always feel like i have let them down and i dont know what to say

and that my friends is my depression

[_plastic]

deep hole gets deeper

[FreeDilbert]

Its song lyrics, but it sums up perfectly about how I feel about my depression and SI.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time

And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me

And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think
Without you interupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone

[Vampiric Addiction]

There are so many parts to it.

The biggest thing I get is this crushing on my chest, it feels like theres a concrete slab there, pushing me down into the ground and caving my lungs... Makes it hard to walk and hard to just breathe.
I get this vision of myself moving through every day life, not quite walking but moving along blankly - sort of on autopilot - and there are these huge fragments flying off, like a spaceshuttle breaking up in the earth's atmosphere, pieces just fly off... and these pieces are aspects of my life ~ people i've lost, situations that happened, things ive lost or messed up...

Sometimes its feeling like you're about to burst with all the emotions - like anger only more sorrowful, like hurt/upset, but more annoyed, like being infuriated but you dont know who with... And all these swell up together and seem to gather in your throat, and you just feel ready to explode with it all...
On the other hand, sometimes it's this void, this numbness, this nothingness. When I'm in one of these phases I tend to lose whole hours at a time, I dont know where they go. Also feels alot like being abandonned, by the whole world.

there are a few bits of the song Departure by Trivium that sums up some of this:

This weight is so unbearable caving my lungs
All my life seems to be flashing in front of my eyes(In front of my eyes)
Run away from all the pain-all the pain of life
-
Distance yourself from the pain that covers me
As I reach out for your hand to find there's nothing left for me
-
Sever me from the fall
F--k the people, F--k the world, F--k it all

[ironholly]

Like a masinve evil dark storm of unpahhyness and sandnes and despair and you cant get out it will drag you back into it every time you try, you just have to wate for the storm to pass.
But the preser of the storm is unbarble and it physicly hurts you can feel this pain in your chest, You get baterd around bye the winds and it leves you numb the tonaos rip you awayy from your body so you dont feel lioke anythigns real.

[typsee]

hey everyone - I'm the primary mod for this Mental Health Discussion forum, just in case you werent aware. :)

We've received a request that this thread be stickied .... and because we havent had a huge rush on requests for stickied threads in this forum, I am happy to oblige if we get a few others who are happy with the idea.

I have a couple of thoughts though ....

1. Is this thread something that people would want to keep adding to once they've replied once of twice?

I'm wondering whether this thread would really benefit much from being stickied ... coz I thought once almost everyone had answered the question for themselves, then it would be pretty much a dead thread. Opinions on that?

2. If this thread does take off and become a medium for people to express themselves and how depression feels to them, then does that sort of a thread really belong in this forum, or would it be better suited in a forum like Creative Corner? .... Thoughts?

[beautiful_mistake]

Mine starts after i have had a panic attack.
I so get upset with myself and feel really stupid then, i get really depressed and feel worthless.
& Then i will question my own existence over and over til i drive myself potty.