Thanks Sophia I shouldn't whine I'm sorry. I just feel so stuck in the trauma and the eating disorder. I will be sent to the seeds clinic but I'm not currently medically unstable so would be seen fortnightly if I was lucky. I don't I'm so fat worthless and dirty I don't feel I deserve it so really I should shut up. Sorry I'm waffling.
Thanks Sophia. I just feel constantly violated and trying to introduce another meal has intensified the feelings of shame disgust and violation. I'm scared to say how bad I feel. I have trauma therapy today and I've been putting off the homework so I've got to do that this morning. I'm scared about tomorrow I've got to have lunch after having breakfast and I don't want to mess this up. I just want to disappear I need the fat gone I really feel I can't cope. Sorry to post again .
*hugs* Jessie- it feels impossible but is there any way you could plan your meals so that you feel ok with eating lunch and breakfast?
Even if you have the same for both. I found to get back in the habit of eating I haven't really been logging what I've eaten, just tried to get myself used to eating anything again. You won't mess it up- if you can't manage tomorrow there is always the day after if you can't. It's a constant struggle I know xx
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah I'm so terrified about today. I hate myself I feel so unsafe and fat. I don't mean to be needy but I'm scared that my ed nurse won't see me just when I feel I'm making progress. I wish the images and flashbacks would stop. God I'm a mess.
Reading this reminds me of a quote I saw in someone's signature on here-"you survived the abuse, you're gonna survive the recovery". Delving into the past must be making things feel so much more raw and painful, but you can survive this and fight through the recovery to a time when thing are much less difficult.
*hugs* Jessie- you fight so hard against this, I'm sure your ED nurse sees this and will help you continue the fight. I hope you can find a way to stop the images and flashbacks. When thoughts are so intrusive I sometimes find listening to music with earphones on helps because it cuts away the distractions outside and can help to block what's going on inside. I hope your appointment went well
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Oh my god thanks guys so touched by this. I was given some goals to achieve in order to continue seeing my ed nurse. I met them by the skin of my teeth. The abuse work is bringing up a lot but I also struggle with being quite shut down. Sorry I'm so exhausted I will reply properly tomorrow. I still feel so fat and guilty over lunch today but at least I'm too exhausted to grab on to the intrusive thoughts !
*hugs* sounds like the exhaustion is a blessing in disguise. Will write more, just low on words
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Alannah I just feel so low and fat and out of control of my fat body. I don't know how long I can keep up this effort I feel I'm losing control and I'm falling apart inside :(
Well done for meeting those goals, even if it was by the skin of your teeth, you still did it!
Try to remember again that fat is not a feeling. Fat can become a way of expressing emotions that we're really distressed by and struggling to identify or exist, and it sounds like that might be something that's going on with you, with the difficultes with the abuse work and being very shut down.
Have you been able to speak to the ED nurse about how of out control and desperate you've been feeling? x
Thanks liv . I haven't said I'm scared she won't believe me. As my weight isn't dropping and it's a thought and feeling not an action. I feel that and this is weird that she might be angry and not help me if I admit how hard it is as I'm not actually deteriorating physically. I just feel messed up and confused I'm sorry.
Its their duty to help you whether your physically deteriorating or not.
Remember weightloss/Physical complications are symptoms of an eating disorder, like sneezing is a symptom of a cold. You're still ill with an Eating Disorder whether your losing weight, underweight, healthy weight or overweight & the same goes for your physical status.
I agree totally with Helen. As much as most of us here could be accused of denial for lack of physical symptoms or our perceptions of them but the pain living with this causes is the real root of the problem. Can you talk to your nurse about your fears? It IS real- but with time and support you will find a way through. Here for you
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I don't deserve this kindness guys. I just hate myself I feel I'm gaining fat just breathing. I did what I should of done but I feel so disgusted and ashamed. My skin is crawling. My mum is out and a friend of hers is coming back to stay. I'm trying to hold it together I had a flashback but managed to not fully disassociate . I . Can't stand the violent thoughts in my head I just want to tear myself apart. Sorry I don't deserve to post.
You do deserve to post, & You don't deserve to feel this way. <3
The skin crawling feeling is a feeling baby, & it will pass, I can really understand how you feel though, espcially when dealing with flashbacks. How are you today?
I'm really, really proud of you for managing not to dissociate completely, My gosh, that takes some strength!! Take it from someone who knows
Thanks Helen I don't know I just feel weird and disconnected now. Kind of dead inside. I still want to disappear and the fat gone. But also like the wheel is turning but the hamster us dead? I'm such a fat freak. Sorry I'm making no sense. :(
You make sense J, I get that feeling too. Hope you can get some rest- I often feel that way when I'm totally exhausted. It feels awful- I think sometimes feeling "fat" is just a way to name what I feel is bad in me. Is that it for you?
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I'm crumbling inside I feel so fat my body won't ever feel like mine again. Yet on the outside I look as together as ever. I just feel so lost . Sorry I'm rambling .
