Hi belle thanks, I can't I'm so distressed by all I had yesterday. I just wish it was over. I still feel I need the FAT to come off to be able to accept help. Hope you are ok xx
I can't do this I'm FAT and have totally lst control. I've had tons for four whole days. I'm an unacceptable FAT piece f **** . My legs are so painful it hurts to walk and my head hurts so much I can hardly lift it. I'm scared there is something wrong with my shunt. I'm supposed to be meeting a friend at five but moving is painful and my head feels in a vice. I need to tear the FAT off I will never be thin. I'm sorry to be pathetic but. I feel ill and frightened xx
I think that your definition of tons and mine would probably differ, Jess. If someone else told you how much they'd had, would you think it was tons? Even if it was more than necessary, would you mind if another person had eaten it? Probably not. So why do you beat yourself up so extensively about it?
Your body is tired, exhausted, and it needs a break. You need to be kind to yourself because otherwise you will continue to feel as painful as you currently do. Perhaps you could ring your friend and speak over the phone or she could come around to see you instead?
Hugs belle thanks. I just feel I can't punish it enough. I crave control over the FAT and would do anything to escape it. I don't know everything is too much I only feel ok when I'm having as little as possible I want to be thin and to feel clean. I thought it was getting better but I want to run again. I feel can't be trusted i don't want calories near me and mum wants me to have more and has told me I won't go to puppy classes if I don't . I need to go to pups so I will have it I feel full of disgusting greed. I just want to feel safe I'm so sorry xx
I think I've asked you this before but what does 'FAT' mean to you? From what you say, your perception of being fat isn't actually anything to do with your weight. Yes, naturally it becomes about weight but getting control of the fat seems to be something more emotional, rather than number-orientated.
You have to eat, Jess. I've said this before and so have others. Food gives you fuel so that you can do things. If you want to do things that you enjoy, like go to your pup's class, you must eat. You've had things taken away from you because of this. Use those experiences to show you that you cannot carry on like this.
Aww belle I'm sorry I don't know the reality helps. I wish I knew what would help but I don't. It's weird FAT to me is also about the number as well as to do with the emotions. I'm so lost and confused I shouldn't take up people's time xx
I suspected that the 'FAT' was to do with the number as well as the emotions but I think that the number is more something to control and focus upon, rather than an actual problem in itself, if that makes sense. You seem to use the number to say that you are fat but this is actually linked to you feeling inadequate and out of control.
Not knowing what will help is okay, don't beat yourself up about it. How about thinking about what you would like people to do/say to you, if they could do?
It's weird I can post here even though I feel I don't deserve it and I feel I can text to support others but at the same time I don't feel I deserve to speak to people or fully reach out? Sorry this sounds confusing. I suppose I need reassurance but I shouldn't expect people to give this its selfish of me. People from uni who I didn't think liked me have sent messages asking where I am and the friend I was meant to meet today was so very sweet about me being too ill to meet up. I want to lose myself in uni work but can't concentrate and I'm worried already that it won't be done by September! I feel like understand having these calories in me I'm so sorry xx
It sounds as though a lot more people care about you than you believe - how does that feel? Forget you feel you don't deserve it for a minute and really consider how it feels to be cared about.
Hugs belle thank you. I think they don't realise how FAT and bad I am. I just want to tear myself apart. I can't think to work. Mum said I had to have something to go to pups tomorrow so I did. I really can't bear this feeling. I'm trapped this FAT. I feel so terrified right now. I also need to answer some questions for my therapy referral but I can't think how to. It scares me the feelings the flashback the losses of control. I just want this out of me. I'm so sorry x
I am FAT dirty and disgusting. I'm so out of control. I need to hurt myself I know it sounds both pathetic and ridiculous but I have a glass counter top at home I can feel the FAT spreading I want to smack my head against it hard until my teeth rattle. I hate myself so much. I just don't know anymore xx
I'm so scared I am FAT and dirty and so ashamed. I want to rip the FAT off. I made a prat of myself at puppy training I feel so awkward and FAT and clumsy. I still have so much work and feel too ill and exhausted to do it. I just wish I was brave enough and felt that I deserved help. I'm so sorry. I feel so low I feel I can't breathe sorry x
I feel so FAT and exhausted. My chest hurts I could sleep forever. I'm petrified to have calories near me I disgust myself. I need to punish myself. I'm at puppy classes again but I'm terrified I will mess up. I just want theFAT off
Why not try to look on the puppy classes as something that you will enjoy, rather than expecting it to go badly? A little positive thinking never went amiss.
If I were to ask you for three words to describe how you were feeling that weren't weight/body-related, Jess, what would they be?
Oh god belle now you are asking? It was hard at pups but I think by the end I felt less awkward it may helped the group was smaller. I don't even know how to express myself without mentioning my weight or body but I will try ashamed, terrified and disgusted and may be hopeless too. Uni feels so far away I don't if pup classes make this more poignant as they are run by tutors wife so are a reminder of what I'm not well enough to do and how much work on every level not just uni work there is to be done in order to return. I feel so disgusted with myself my speech was slow and I was drowsy before pups that mum made me have a drink with calories in it was on my banned list but I broke the rule to go to puppy classes. The disgust is tearing me apart. I feel I will nevergetthis FAT off. I'm so sorry for posting x
What about positive words? You are so many more things that your body, your weight, your illness.
You are a student, a Londoner, a friend, a dog-lover and hundreds more. What words could you think of?
The fact you were drowsy from lack of food indicates dangerously low blood sugar; something that could potentially hospitalise you if an ambulance had been called. This is not okay. Your mum made you have that drink to keep you safe, alive. You need nutrients, calories, electrolytes to function Jess, just to breathe.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thanks Hun. I'm such a terrible mess. I can't be trusted my last outpatient appointment is the 12th . I'm out of control and I hate my FAT and greed. I need my anorexia to take me. I will refuse to be weighed on Monday. I don't feel I deserve to speak. I can talk to my mum and I can post and text but I do not deserve to speak the truth. I deserve to be punished for disobeying and making myself FAT. I need this to end uni feels so far away. I'm so sorry I hope you are ok Sophia. I'm falling apart x
You're worried that you won't be able to cope without the outpatient therapy? It sounds as though the anorexia is to do with wanting to die and you're hoping that somehow it will take you? Would it help to talk a little bit more about that, Jess? If I were to ask you why you needed to be punished and you were to make no reference to your body and weight, what would your answer be?
I don't know really I need to decide on more intensive but I can't . I want anorexia to take over so that I don't do the things mum wants me to drink and so I don't crave salt. It feels like failure that anything passes my lips. It's not safe like this. I have failed I will be this FAT forever. I need to accept help but I'm so FAT I just can't. I'm sorry I don't have the answers. Thank you all so much xx
