Sorry does any one know anything about day care at the maudsley or the Bethlem?

[Uglyducklin]

I give up I am fat and hideous. Everything is out of control. I see one of the eating disorders psychiatrists I haven't seen before on Tuesday I am terrified. I'm so ashamed of my body the fluid shifts are enormous and I don't even feel human as its so fat. It is also a medication review my body is fat and messed up and I'm scared I'm stuck this fat and that she will put me on medication to make me fat forever. I need to escape but don't know how. I'm so sorry x

[angel of despair]

Can you talk to her about your fear of being put on a medication which will make you fat, you might find she can put you on a weight neutral medication. *big hugs to you*

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you low on word sim sorry x

[Uglyducklin]

I feel I'm drowning in fat. I have had too much my throat is so dry from the infection I can't stop drinking. I can't face my usual drink its too sweet been having something else. I need to be punished. I want to tear off the fat. I've done virtually no work due to being ill and I'm even more behind. I have to go to uni to sort stuff out I'm drowning in it but I don't want to give up. I don't know where to turn I'm sorry x

[Uglyducklin]

I have failed because I'm too fat and I'm not at uni because I have a chest infection and no voice. My mum is worried we argued as I said I should drag myself in I'm so fat and selfish she said she didn't want to worry about me when she has her own stuff to worry about. I am failing as a student and as an anorexic. I feel I don't deserve to breathe. Both of these things upset me but the latter has the edge. I hate myself. I need to call uni as my head is spinning from being so tired and I'm terrified I've fallen so far behind I will never catch up ! I see the psychiatrist tomorrow and I look like a beached whale. I don't know how to make her believe me x

[Gone.]

There's no such thing as failing as an anorexic because you clearly have a problem with food, regardless of how you rate your ability as that. I think that calling university would be a good idea and talking openly and honestly to your Mum and psychiatrist. They're all around to help you, Jess. Please let them.

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you belle I'm sorry I'm like a broken record! I'm attempting to call my lecturer in case he doesn't get my email I don't want him to think i didn't show up. I feel so demanding though. I know you are struggling too thank you for taking the time to reply I really don't deserve this . X

[Gone.]

You do deserve support, Jess, otherwise people wouldn't give it to you.

Ringing your lecturer would be a good idea. It wouldn't be too demanding. He's there to help you.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Hun I emailed him and he replied. He says don't panic I have two weeks to complete my assignment I'm panicking as i feel too ill to write more than a paragraph. Also dreading tomorrow I'm ready for the psychiatrist to laugh in my face as I'm fat. So out of control as the safe thing makes me hold water. I just don't try hard enough. I'm so sorryx

[Gone.]

Well done for emailing. That's great. If you do a paragraph a day, you'll get there. Have you said how hard things are?

The psychiatrist won't think you're fat mainly because you're not and even if you were, it wouldn't matter. It's about what's going on for you emotionally, rather than what you look like.

Good luck tomorrow.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks belle. Back at uni today so relieved I will talk to him then. Really dreading this appointment but I have a list so fingers crossed. Hope you are doing ok. X

[Gone.]

Good luck talking to your lecturer and your psychiatrist. I'm sure the list will be helpful. Well done for preparing :).

Take care.

[angel of despair]

good luck at the appointment x

[Uglyducklin]

A aargh I'm disgusting and fat it is suffocating me. My mum made me have not my usual safe things and sat with me while I had them both! I'm horrified by this loss of control. I feel hideous I need to be punished. I saw the psychiatrist and she suggested two drugs aripiprazole and another painkiller used for anxiety. I really am too afraid to take those. She also suggested promethazine which has been useful. She explained I will remain with the SEEDS team after my discharge and that the step up to recovery programme might also be an option. I'm too fat and don't deserve it. I need to go to uni but I feel so anxious and low I'm scared I will cry. Sorry I'm being pathetic x

[angel of despair]

Im on aripiprazole, iv only been on it a week but already its helping and its a weight neutral anti psychotic i definitly think you should give it a go. Im glad shes offering you support for after your discharge, you do deserve the support I promise. Your not being pathetic lovely xx

[Uglyducklin]

I just feel so out of control. I'm fat I'm dirty and disgusting. It's not safe. I can't cope. I have to get it right I can't have it in me. I'm so sorry

[angel of despair]

*hugs* how are you feeling today?

[Uglyducklin]

Hi Hun thank you. Just incredibly anxious and out of control. I'm scared and feel invaded by the fat but at the same time I really want to pass my degree and I'm totally drowning in work that I feel too ill to do. I'm letting everyone down. I'm sorry

[angel of despair]

Your not letting people down lovely. Can you talk to you course manager about getting extensions for your work? Also does your uni offer study support? it might be something that would help if they do offer it. xx

[Uglyducklin]

I'm sorry I am a fat mess I had stuff last night to help with uni work but I am in pieces. Curled in a ball crying and tearing at myself. My mum made me more like last night I had as I felt guilty for upsetting her. I'm falling apart I can't look myself in the mirror I feel I don't deserve to live. I know this sounds dramatic but I don't know how to cope please help sorry. I know I don't deserve to post x