I cant do this

[angel of despair]

Yeah your right Ailsa *makes self more positive* :P

[Ailsa]

Now that's better! :) Here if you need to talk lovely xxx

[angel of despair]

Thanks Ailsa its muchly appreciated :)

[angel of despair]

Im starting to feel bad again, i just want someone to talk to :(

[Ailsa]

Here for you if you need lovely xxx

[angel of despair]

My brain is telling me i should do it, and right now i dont see any reasons i shouldnt

[PassedExpectations]

how are you feeling now? it has been at least a few hours... i hope that you found some reasons not to do it. maybe you can think about what reasons you might tell someone else not to do it

[angel of despair]

Oh dear Im feeling calm but suicidal, maybe even numb. But either way feeling suicidal when your not destressed is still not a good thing. Can i really calmly and logically go kill myself? i think i could right now. Whats even worse is im laughing at the thought of it!

[PassedExpectations]

what do you find amusing about it? i've felt amused by the thought of harming before though, so you aren't alone.

[angel of despair]

I dont really know, its just funny! im litually just sitting here laughing, I feel so strange mentally, im like high mood wise but having all these bad thoughts! I dont think il act on them though not tonight anyway

[PassedExpectations]

i'm really glad to hear that you don't think that you'll act on them.

maybe you could find something positive that is amusing to distract yourself but still stay in good spirits

[angel of despair]

Maybe, i suppose i could try

[angel of despair]

Im not feeling great but theres really nothing more to say than whats already been said. I have ALL the same feelings as every other night. and ALL the same lack of coping mechanisms. I wish someone would help me.

[Ailsa]

Hey lovely, I know how difficult it is to feel the same things over and over. I think the only answer though is to keep doing the same things to fix them. What has helped before? Can you do that again, or something similar? Asking yourself these kinds of questions could help you start a wonderful list of things that make you feel better.

[angel of despair]

I shall try to make that list. At the moment my head, thoughts? I dont know its like Im having thease thoughts but there not apart of me, well there telling me I need to od, there telling me if I really am bad enough to get help I would have od-ed by now, so there telling me I need to do this. I know od-ing wont make me feel better or get me help but maybe there right, why am I fighting this, surely its me fighting it that makes me not allowed help? Surely me fighting it means in reality theres nothing wrong with me

[Ailsa]

Sweetie, I can really relate to what you're saying right now. But I think that the fact you're thinking any of this at all shows you're unwell. You're being so brave trying to reach out for help, and it is so hard when you're dismissed because you're not "really" at risk. But please don't hurt yourself, because in the long run that can only make things worse. I'm sorry you feel you're not being listened to or allowed help, but you are allowed support, and I can only hope you will find "proper" help, because you do deserve it.

[angel of despair]

I dont know, I dont even know what I want anymore, I want so many contrasting things. I want to die but I also want to get better, I want to hurt myself but I dont. I want to go back to uni but I also want to just take the year of.

[Ailsa]

I think it sounds like you're in the middle of a sort of mental tug of war between the thoughts linked to your illness and your own thoughts. And however hard that is, it's also normal, and it's actually good that there is this fighting going on, because it means you haven't given up. I know you were talking about not knowing what you want, and this might be an odd question, but what would you like to happen, ideally?

[angel of despair]

I guess id like to recover from all these problems and live a normal life. But right now that doesnt feel possable. It seems more likly that other alternatives will happen

[Ailsa]

I know it feels hard, and even impossible, but that doesn't mean it is. I think you'll live "more" than a normal life, because what has happened to you will have changed you, and you can make that change have positive consequences. But getting there means taking steps right now. It's not some big leap, I don't think, but rather little steps, and big steps, until one day you look behind you and realise how far you've come. Does that make sense?