Thank you.
I'm trying to take the nice things on board. Just finding it tough.
I got told I look 'perfectly healthy' today.
Which means I'm not thin.
Which means I need to lose weight to look thin.
Trolled. Epically. ><
Um, how? I'm really confused by this comment. Who told you that? Last time I saw you (which wasn't long ago) you worried me because I could clearly see you were very underweight.
I know it was meant to be a positive comment but it worries me that it will make you strive to lose even more weight which is not a good thing at all.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
It was my father. If he thought I looked too thin or ill or anything he would 100% say. He looked me up and down and said, 'just checking if you've lost weight, oh, no you look perfectly healthy, good'.
I've lost weight since I last saw him at Christmas. I'm at my lowest. Or so I thought. Clearly you're lying to me, and so are the scales. You don't want me to be thin and safe and stuff. Whatever I did to hurt you I@m so, so sorry. But please don't make me healthy looking and at risk.
Clearly you're lying to me, and so are the scales. You don't want me to be thin and safe and stuff. Whatever I did to hurt you I@m so, so sorry. But please don't make me healthy looking and at risk.
Jodie love, I can relate to that, to how it feels, so much.
Please try and not let all of this overtake you. In some ways the logic that being unhealthy and ill keeps you "safe" but rationally, with true logic it puts you more at risk, weaker and more vulnerable.
You deserve more then this. I promise you - you are worth more then this.
Try and listen to the good, beautiful people in your life, try and listen to them with regard to how you are, how you look, what you deserve.
You know in your dear heart, that they (Jenna, Emma, all the lovelies here and others), are wonderful, kind, honest people.
Much much love to you. I'm here if you ever want to talk. <3
Hey Jodie,
I hope you feel safe enough to open up to your psych but I know how hard it is to start talking about this kind of stuff. You are a beautiful and kind person though and you deserve to feel good and maybe talking could help you get there. Even though I haven't really talked to you much I see you round and care very much about you (as do many people on RYL)
Love and safe hugs if you want. Feel free to pm if you wanna talk t cause I'm here
I know you don't believe any of us Jodie, but we would not lie to you. Simple as that. I saw you..before Christmas? And it worries me a lot that you've lost weight since then as you already did look very underweight :\ I'm so sorry, this is hard to hear (or read as it were), but none of us are lying to you. You've not done anything to any of us as far as I'm aware and I know no one wants you to be or feel unsafe. But at the moment, mentally and physically (weight wise), you are really not safe.
I'm so glad you got my card, I mean every single word I wrote in there, I hope you at least try and believe me. I'm so sorry I can't be more helpful, but I really do care about you. And I know we all want good things for you Jodie, because you are worth SO much more than this <3
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
I know you don't believe any of us Jodie, but we would not lie to you. Simple as that. I saw you..before Christmas? And it worries me a lot that you've lost weight since then as you already did look very underweight : I'm so sorry, this is hard to hear (or read as it were), but none of us are lying to you. You've not done anything to any of us as far as I'm aware and I know no one wants you to be or feel unsafe. But at the moment, mentally and physically (weight wise), you are really not safe.
Agree 100%
Love you Jodie xx
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Why do you need to look unwell? It will only make more people look at you in the street and judge you.
The truth is your weight is dangerously low. That is fact, not opinion, not lies. Fact. I know that you would tell me the same thing if I was your weight/bmi.
Your body is not different,every human body works under the same principal.
I hope, often, that you will one day accept healthy normal weight so that you can have a chance at recovery because you deserve to be well.
comments are comments, opinion, subjective, not fact. i've had various comments at various weights and some of them simply didn't correlate with anything at all, a lot of them were really inaccurate. it prob would be better if your father didn't comment on weight at all - is it possible to ask him if he'd do that if you explained it'd be helpful for you? i'm sorry it triggered you.
[quote=poodle;3163772]comments are comments, opinion, subjective, not fact. i've had various comments at various weights and some of them simply didn't correlate with anything at all, a lot of them were really inaccurate. quote]
^this. ive had comments too in the past and looking back now i can see how unwell i was and how ridiculous they were. i hope you can see that.
Why do you need to look unwell? It will only make more people look at you in the street and judge you.
The truth is your weight is dangerously low. That is fact, not opinion, not lies. Fact. I know that you would tell me the same thing if I was your weight/bmi.
Your body is not different,every human body works under the same principal.
I hope, often, that you will one day accept healthy normal weight so that you can have a chance at recovery because you deserve to be well.
Because the times I have been a higher or healthier weight I have been abused, raped used and treated badly. Which, admittedly, I probably deserved. But I am selfish and I can't deal with that happening again. So I maintain a lower weight and lose weight to protect myself from them hurting me again. I'm aware it's not fully logical, but for som reason, when I gain, I get hurt.
I also find that looking unwell is a way I can let people know they should stay away.
I'd worry that being a healthy weight would mean I was either hurt again, or other people will be out at risk because of me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by poodle
it prob would be better if your father didn't comment on weight at all - is it possible to ask him if he'd do that if you explained it'd be helpful for you? i'm sorry it triggered you.
I would prefer he didn't and I've asked him not to before. It's how he assesses me though, like he checks to see if I look visible different. But apparently, despite having lost since I last saw him, I look perfectly healthy. Which makes me think people are lying to me and messing with the scales. I don't know. It's strange.
I'm dreading Wednesday. I just want to know what will happen.
Because the times I have been a higher or healthier weight I have been abused, raped used and treated badly. Which, admittedly, I probably deserved. But I am selfish and I can't deal with that happening again. So I maintain a lower weight and lose weight to protect myself from them hurting me again. I'm aware it's not fully logical, but for som reason, when I gain, I get hurt.
I also find that looking unwell is a way I can let people know they should stay away.
I'd worry that being a healthy weight would mean I was either hurt again, or other people will be out at risk because of me.
I do understand this Jodie, I do, it's a huge factor and reason I can't move on from where I am and why I stray and fall back to the ED - but the Facts are that realistically you are at more risk of being hurt - not in the same way but certainly in others. *hug* You don't see it but you do not deserve to be hurt. You deserve love and laughter - health and happiness - you deserve the right to see your friends and those who love you and to enjoy your life, to eat well, and feel well. You deserve LIFE Jodie. Not this hellish prison of fear and misery you are currently living in.
Get healthy, get well, Show those fucckers who hurt you just how amazing you are - by getting well, take up a martial art, learn to protect and nurture yourself and enjoy your life.
You NEVER deserved or asked for what happened. It was never your fault, it was never you, and size would have been irrelevant most of those times.
I'm sorry if I've been harsh, I just care.
Much love. You deserve more. You are worth more. And you are, for the record, tiny. It's not a lie.
Oh honey I wish you didnt feel like this because it is not true. You are so lovely. Sending hugs xxx
<3 Can't wait for you to move down here. I miss you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fawkes
You deserve LIFE Jodie. Not this hellish prison of fear and misery you are currently living in.
Get healthy, get well, Show those fucckers who hurt you just how amazing you are - by getting well, take up a martial art, learn to protect and nurture yourself and enjoy your life.
Thank you, Ritzi. This bit in particular really spoke to me. They always say happiness is the best revenge. I am trying, I promise. It's just tiring having to battle constantly. But I solider on. Sorry I haven't written to you an Amy yet. My head has been all messy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by [StarStruck]
I'm sending all the love in the world JodMum.
You can always contact me BBM/message/etc.
xxxxxx
<3 Thanks, Sar. I appreciate your love.
My mood is much better. I went from bouncy and impulsive and irritable to wanting to die to today, where I feel slightly numb but mostly fine.
I had an exam today which I did literally no revision for =/. LIke, I didn't even open the book before hand. So I doubt I did very well in that.... Also,
The following content has been hidden - Reason : SI trigger
I had a big cut on my arm which I apparently did early hours of this morning without knowing. And I have a tendency to just bandage up my arm and refuse to look at it, so when I went to the walk in centre to get my burn looked at, she took of the bandage and was like, oh. So I had to get that stitched. Somehow I did my exam in this state. Thankfully I did not bleed all over the computer, but this explains why my seminar leader was watching me strangely. I had gone very pale coz I'm already anaemic.
Getting stitched is not cool in itself. Getting a wound you don't remember doing stitched is even less cool. O_o
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and he is going to be SO mad about the SI. I need to find out if there is anything I can do to stop me cutting when I'm dissociated. Because I can't keep on like this.
He also wants to talk about scary things that I am not allowed to talk about. And right now I'm struggling not to be destructive with food to get me though the fear of it. No idea what to expect? Scared.
I'm glad your mood is better today, I'm just really concerned about you cutting yourself and not remembering it. :\ But, this really isn't your fault. I doubt your psych will be angry with you when you didn't really have any control over what you were doing. And if he does get angry, I'll go and shout at him and like..push him over or something.
I'm sorry I'm not the best at supporting you through this at the moment, but please just find me on Skype or Facebook or here or text/call me if you need anything. Even if you just need someone to sit with you for a little while and listen to whatever is going through your head right now.
I do really care about you Jodie and it's so sad that you really can't see the amazing, beautiful, lovely, kind person you are. Ritzi said it perfectly. You deserve wonderful things and I really hope one day you get to that realisation and give a big 'Fucck you' to all who have hurt you in your life. Until you do realise that, even if it takes years, we'll just have to tell you every day how truly amazing you are :)
Have some more Nic love. Everyone enjoys Nic love <3
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
Love you Jodie.
I'm coming round in the morning to talk to you about seeing the psych, so hopefully I'll be able to reassure you. I hope he'll be able to offer some decent advice about how to deal with the dissociation.
Being naughty with food tonight won't change anything about the appointment tomorrow, it'll only waste money that could be spent on nose piercings and thorpe park! Try to stay safe if you can? R/V, do jigsaws, spam, nap, tidy and watch outnumbered. Anything [within reason!] but b/p-ing.
You can come to mine tonight if you'd like? It seems the dissociation is really bad at the moment, and I'm worried about you being on your own.
I do understand this Jodie, I do, it's a huge factor and reason I can't move on from where I am and why I stray and fall back to the ED - but the Facts are that realistically you are at more risk of being hurt - not in the same way but certainly in others. *hug* You don't see it but you do not deserve to be hurt. You deserve love and laughter - health and happiness - you deserve the right to see your friends and those who love you and to enjoy your life, to eat well, and feel well. You deserve LIFE Jodie. Not this hellish prison of fear and misery you are currently living in.
Get healthy, get well, Show those fucckers who hurt you just how amazing you are - by getting well, take up a martial art, learn to protect and nurture yourself and enjoy your life.
You NEVER deserved or asked for what happened. It was never your fault, it was never you, and size would have been irrelevant most of those times.
I'm sorry if I've been harsh, I just care.
Much love. You deserve more. You are worth more. And you are, for the record, tiny. It's not a lie.
xxxx
I think you should put this post on your wall. It even inspired me to get well and this thread is not about me.lol
But it is all true. Fawkes speaks wise words.
Sending more love to you today and for the appointment. Don't stress there just trying to help let them. Tell them about your mums anniversary coming, they need to know that you need more support but they can't know unless you tell them what is going on in your head.
Also I can't wait to move down too. :)
Lots of tea with Jodie
Jodie- you NEVER deserve to be abused or treated badly- NEVER. <3 everyone else said what i was going to <3
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
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