Katie, you deserve the best. After all that you've been through you are still here, you stayed strong and you've helped so many people! I must confess, I reallly admire you, because you seem to have such a big heart ! I just want you to know that you are an amazing person and you deserve to be happy :
Thank you Maggie, you're words are a great comfort. I don't feel like I'm any of those things, or that I deserve any of this. It makes me feel less alone though.
Gah. More rambles. As ever.
I am trying so very hard to change this; to make a good decision for once in my life and decide that I'll beat this. That I'll keep fighting...but I just feel like every time I try to get back up I get pushed back down.
Things aren't right with me and Adam. I can't seem to push past this and ignore it. I can't forget it. I don't trust him anymore and I'm not sure how to make myself trust him. I feel so guilty because I KNOW he feels so bad about it, but I just kind of feel like he has no right to feel bad. He doesn't deserve to feel bad. I just don't know where we're meant to go from here.
I'm in debt...a hell of a lot more debt than I originally thought. I owe store cards money, the banks money...Adam's parents money. It's all just getting too much. How do you pay off debts when you barely have enough money to eat? I haven't even been able to pay my phone bill this month so it's just a matter of time before my mobile gets cut off. I can't pay the gas and electricity bill. I can't pay the council tax. I can't pay any of it. I can't afford petrol to visit my parents.
I've got a meeting with my manager and HR director on the 6th - I have a feeling this is going to be the end of my employment. They can't keep having someone off all the time. I so badly WANT to be back, but OH won't let me go back. Does that make it my fault? My GP who I've seen on a weekly basis thinks I'm ready to go back; but this woman who has only met me four times doesn't think I am and she's the one who's listened to. How is that fair?
My family HATE me for not visiting them at Christmas - a. I couldn't afford it and b. I didn't feel up to it after the hospital admission. My brothers are pissed off at me, my parents are upset, my boyfriend is worried, my friends are pissed off and my boyfriends family are worried about me.
I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
x Katie x
Sweetie, if you're struggling with money, there are ways to get help. I've been there and it's an awful awful feeling. It just feels like a mountain you can't climb or a hole you can't get out of. Citizens advice should be able to help or I'll try and find a couple of debt management company numbers for you. They can talk to the companies you owe money to on your behalf and agree a repayment plan. If there is no possibility of repayment, there are other options you can consider. People can help, you don't have to climb that mountain alone either, the important thing is to be up front with people you owe and agree a plan together.
I don't know where you work honey or what their approach is but chances are they just want to get together to discuss the situation with you and find out whats happening from you. If your GP thinks you're fit enough to go back then OH can't stop you. Work may just be concerned for you. What kind of company is it?
It's not the least surprising that you're angry with Adam, you have every right to be. And it may be that you can't ever get back to where you were before but maybe you can move forward together. Have you been able to talk to him about it?
Re read your post hon and look at all the people you say are worried about you and care for you! And we're all here too! We love you xxxx
Sorry if I'm overstepping the mark, I have your best at heart x x
Bunny Mad - thank you. I am going to go to CA when New Years is out the way because they're not really available until then. Plus, it gives me time to organise everything to take along etc. Unfortunately, I think OH can stop me - my GP says I should be fit for a phased return, but OH say that they do not recommend I return until they say so; and because of liability etc my employer is sticking with OH. I'll just have to wait and see about work. It's a pretty small company and quite....erm...like people know everyone type thing. I am just wondering whether I should mention my most recent hospital incident because if I don't and they find out it'll look like I was trying to hide it, but if I do I don't want to put my foot further in it.
Me and Ad have spoken about things quite extensively, I'm still pretty pissed off but we're trying to work through all our issues and he even said he's learnt more about me in the last two days than he had in two years. I guess it's a starting point. You're not overstepping anything honey, I appreciate the advice. Jen - thanks honey. Sorry you're not doing very well *big hugs back*
So, slightly new development...my brother is coming to Worcester tomorrow to see me; I think I'm gonna tell him everything - and just hope he doesn't freak out. I don't think he will I think he'll just worry but there's always the slim chance....
Thank you all for the continued support. It really is the only thing getting me through.
x Katie x
Bunny Mad - thank you. I am going to go to CA when New Years is out the way because they're not really available until then. Plus, it gives me time to organise everything to take along etc.
Well done you! Sounds like a plan! Did find a couple of numbers - let me know if you want them. Not sure how good they are and to be honest CA is probably the best first stop anyway!
Unfortunately, I think OH can stop me - my GP says I should be fit for a phased return, but OH say that they do not recommend I return until they say so; and because of liability etc my employer is sticking with OH. I'll just have to wait and see about work. It's a pretty small company and quite....erm...like people know everyone type thing. I am just wondering whether I should mention my most recent hospital incident because if I don't and they find out it'll look like I was trying to hide it, but if I do I don't want to put my foot further in it.
Tell them if they ask. Then youre not hiding anything but also not telling too much if you'd rather not. Can you tell them your GP thinks you'd be able to do a phased return? That would be a fab step forward - and it would work in their interests too!
Me and Ad have spoken about things quite extensively, I'm still pretty pissed off but we're trying to work through all our issues and he even said he's learnt more about me in the last two days than he had in two years. I guess it's a starting point. You're not overstepping anything honey, I appreciate the advice.
Whoop! Great place to start Jen - thanks honey. Sorry you're not doing very well *big hugs back*
So, slightly new development...my brother is coming to Worcester tomorrow to see me; I think I'm gonna tell him everything - and just hope he doesn't freak out. I don't think he will I think he'll just worry but there's always the slim chance....
Thank you all for the continued support. It really is the only thing getting me through.
x Katie x
Great news about your brother coming - i'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Sorry if this post looks all messed up - I don't really know how to do the multi quote thing!
*hugs*
Last edited by Bunnymad : 29-12-2011 at 06:58 PM.
Reason: To try and make it look at little less messed up!
Blah. This is probably going to be another useless ramble but I need to stop the OCD thoughts intruding excessively so here goes.
I am terrified about tomorrow...I'm scared he won't be supportive. Scared he will hate me. Scared he'll try to make me move back home. Scared he'll leave me. I'm also pretty scared that once I tell him it's no longer in my control - he can tell everyone else at the drop of a hat...and that freaks me out. The house is an absolute sh*t tip right now - hence why I'm cleaning at midnight with so much more to do when I have had no sleep last night already.
Spoke to my CPN today - it went...okay, I think. We spoke about things with Adam and my Ex. We spoke about work and he read the OH report but he just said to speak to CA about it; so that's the plan for one day next week. Me and Ad are back at our house now, it's kind of weird. I freaked when I first came back because it hadn't been cleaned up since my attempt and it brought some unexpected feelings so not quite sure how to feel.
Money is ever so slightly better - not really much better at all but my mobile isn't being cut off so that's something.
I still do just feel kind of like I'm losing the last bit of fight I have. It's kind of just...fading. I always thought it would be like a thread snapping when I finally completely gave up - something noticeable...but instead it's gradual. I can feel the fight in me fading more and more each day.
I don't know. On the plus side I do have appointments coming up - my GP on Tuesday, DBT on Thursday, Work on Friday, Psych the Monday after.
I guess I just need to find something to get me through the next few days. It's gonna take a lot though because I can feel that my last attempt managed to calm the thoughts for a while; but they're creeping back in. Must keep busy...because disinfecting your sofa at midnight is ever so normal... Roli - you guys have helped more than I tiny bit. You've kept me fighting. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. I don't feel incredible at all; I feel useless. Bunnymad - I'll try CA on Tuesday next week. I've started getting all the paperwork ready so I'm prepared. I think I will do that; only say it to work if they actually ask. I'm going to tell them what my GP said; I've got a list of things which support me going back but what OH have paid no attention to. Thank you for your support <3
x Katie x
Last edited by Heaven Knows : 30-12-2011 at 04:26 AM.
Thank you honey <3
Well, he came. I told him some of the stuff; he was really supportive and it was just nice to talk about things with him. I didn't tell him everything - like what exactly went on with my ex - but most and apart from threatening my ex he was really nice about it all.
I didn't realise until now how much I missed him.
Thanks for the support guys <3
x Katie x
Libz - Thank you honey <3 Sorry you're low on words. Your support means a lot. I love you.
Lotti - Thank you honey, I appreciate it.
Bunnymad - Thank you. Yeah, I'm trying not to think too much about it because I start panicking.
I'd agree - but they always seem to go straight to violence - besides now he knows my address one of my friends said he was going to pop round and have a few choice words with him.
x Katie x
Im really glad it went okay with your brother :) Its a big step being able to tell someone what you have been going through :) He can now be there to support you :)*hugs*
And i agree with Bunnymad!
Edit: slightly late with the replying, but they do always seem to do that, im sure he won't do anything its just words to protect his sister. Can you talk to him to ask him not to have 'words' of you don't want him to?
Last edited by Charmed : 31-12-2011 at 12:38 AM.
Reason: Edit
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
I am so torn right now - I feel like I want nothing more than to get better and get my life back on track...but then there's the other half of me who doesn't want this to carry on. Who just wants to give in and try again. I know I'm stopping myself doing anything dangerous but I KNOW it's not for the right reasons - I'm doing it for other people; not for me. I think I'm going to end up being dragged out for tonight which means spending the night making sure I don't do any damage to myself - watching how much I drink etc. Trying to keep myself safe. Not my idea of a relaxing, fun night out.
Gah. Now I'm just moaning. Sorry.
Adam's moving out.
I don't know how long for. I don't much care right now. All I can think is that it's going to be days and days with no one checking on me or seeing me. I can cut and restrict and do whatever the fuck I like.
Happy New Year guys.
Hi Katie. Agree with driftedaway, please be safe x x
What do you think are the "right" reasons sweetheart? For me, sometimes, I can only stop myself by thinking of the pain it would cause others because I have little value for myself. just know I'm thinking of you and I care x x
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
x
