I'm ok. I haven't self harmed, yet, but it's still on my mind as is jumping off a building. I hate having these thoughts. The crisis team aren't phoning me any more, i've to phone them if I need them and they're coming round on Sunday to review the support they gave me. I don't know what to say to them. I felt belittled by some of the team and like my problems weren't real or were insignificant. Everyone thinks my 'crisis' is over but it's hardly even started.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Oh God I just want to die. I think i'm going to self harm badly. I wish I had enough medication to overdose on, to feel out of it. I am not a part of this world. I have to kill myself to get to the world I belong in.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The crisis team came to do their review. I never got to tell them that I am still feeling desperate. I want to cut badly enough to need stitches or overdose but I don't have enough medication. I can't keep on living like this. I have the strength but not the will.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can't talk to him, it will worry him and he is already worried enough. I don't want to have to keep living for him. I don't even want to live for myself. I don't even know if I want to be happy any more, I just want to be dead.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so triggered. I want to cut and see fat. I want to overdose and be totally out of it. I have to stay safe so I can go to my voluntary work tomorrow, just to see what it's like. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do life any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
If I had the will to feel happy i'd contact the crisis team as soon as I felt something was going wrong, i'd fight for my right to hospital treatment when I need it, i'd fully engage with the people involved in my care although I think I do engage with them anyway. It would be so much easier to fight urges to harm myself or kill myself if I wanted to be happy but I think I could be the happiest person on earth and I still wouldn't be happy, if that makes sense.
I've just cut myself, a little. I can't seem to do the damage I want to. If my voluntary work doesn't go well tomorrow I think i'm going to spend some time at the train station. I'm not cut out for life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Can anyone see me? I'm beginning to think that I am just a thought in someone's head. I'm really struggling. Thinking of phoning the crisis team or breathing space but don't know what to say. The reason why I keep wanting to kill myself is because of an instinct deep within me that is saying I do not beling to this world. I don't think that my brother belongs here either. I may as well go to the police before I kill myself because by killing myself I will be murdering my brother too. I have very little doubt that he would kill himself also but I don't want to have to postpone my destiny for him. I long to go to the train station but i'm worried that CCTV would see me and the police would come. I can't even self harm properly any more. I am of no use to this world.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I phoned the crisis team and they told me to spend some time with my brother and then go to bed. I'm not going to do that because I am too distressed and don't want my brother to see. I'm just going to cut, then tomorrow if my voluntary work isn't anything special i'm going to go to the train station.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Hey, I'm really sorry things are so bad for you just now. It's obvious from reading this how much you're struggling, and I wish there was something I could say that would really help. I do honestly believe things can get better for you though and I hope you're able to stick around to see that. If you've hurt yourself, please make sure you take care of it, get medical attention if necessary. However, is it possible to do something else to ease your distress a little? Something relaxing like meditation or a hot bath/shower or a good film? Learning to take care of yourself and self-soothe can help a lot, even if it's incredibly difficult to do at first.
I hope the voluntary work goes well tomorrow. I hope this doesn't sound horribly patronising, but try not to pin everything on it being something special. It may not be amazing and it may not make you feel any better immediately but it's a little step towards meeting new people and having something (hopefully) a bit fulfilling to do with your time. It just may take time for it to turn into that, or lead to other opportunities. You do deserve that.
I hope you're able to look after yourself and stay safe. Or if you can't manage that then call the crisis team again. Take care.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Linds, how honest are you being when speaking with the crisis team or breathing space? I know that you have said that you feel quite scared before calling and I am wondering if you the reality of how bad things are for you right now isn't getting communicated because of your fear, but also the sucidal part of yourself not wanting someone to intervene?
is there someone that can be with you when you call the crisis team is there a way that you could email, scan, fax them a copy of what you write here? I know for myself that I write out my feelings and thoughts far better than I do when saying them.
I hope that you're okay and taking care of yourself to some degree. keep writing and letting us know how things are going for you. I am listening and hear you, don't need to worry about that. You're a woman of great strength and skill and it would be a shame if anything were to happen to you Lindsay.
take good care,
ashleigh
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
I really struggle with self soothing, I tend to end up saying bad things to myself because I don't deserve anything nice. I guess that's part of why I crave care from others, we all need some care in our lives.
I try to be honest with the crisis team and other people involved in my care but they just don't seem to listen and I communicate better through the written word. I suppose I could ask the crisis team to visit me and print out some of this thread but I don't want my brother to know that things are still bad.
I was really low this morning and felt like I couldn't go to my voluntary work so I phoned my OT who just ignored what I was saying and told me to go. It was pointless. I was distracted and felt like crying a lot. I'm going to try and stick with it though.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I was supposed to phone the crisis team tonight but didn't because I was so anxious. I'm panicking. They're going to hate me now and say thati'm messing them around. It's dark. I want to go to the train station. My brother is with his friend. I could just say i'm going to bed and sneak out. It's so tempting. I don't want to be safe any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I hope you don't go to the train station. Take things slowly, step by step. The voluntary work is a great thing to focus on, even if it is only a for a few hours. It might also build on the positive sense of self in you, knowing that you are helping others. Please keep fighting. We are all here to support you and recognise how difficult life is for you.
sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.
self-soothing can be a very difficult task particularly when you have not been used to nurturing yourself in some way. could you devote say a 20-30 minute slot a day at this point to care for yourself in a positive way, even if that means just stopping the negative thoughts for that time? what sort of positive caring things could you do for yourself for that time period? I am also thinking that perhaps you could situate that time during your day to instances when things tend to be more difficult for you...so at night, when your brother's out etc. I think it would be good to express to the crisis team that you don't feel like people are understanding just how difficult things are for you at the moment and explaining that you feel that you communicate better in the written word and offer some aspects of this thread and so on. I also think that it's important that you not worry about what the crisis team think too much - they are a service that provide crisis support to individuals and as such will have experienced a variety of experiences within their practice, and will not pass judgement as there is some understanding of how crisis and mental health concerns can impact on people's functioning ability.
i think it's great that you were mustered up some energy to get to your volunteer work - even if you feel that you were distracted and at risk of crying you still got out of the house and into the community and did something that you should feel good about.
Linds do you think if you ever got to the train station that you could alert station staff to your intentions? I know that there is a big part of you that wants to die and be done with everything. But I hear a desire for things to be different and better and for happiness to be an option. I wonder if to get the attention and care that you require that you could alert people that do not know you but would have a duty of care to you to assist you in get some support.
I completely understand your statement about feeling like you could be the happiest person in the world and not be happy. I get it compeltely. But I think that is because its hard to imagine that things can be different from where you are at the moment. It's hard to see through the crap and darkness that muddles our clarity, so perhaps instead of concluding that there will never be an option perhaps you could accept that you don't know for sure what there is in the future but surely it has to be at least different than what is happening for you at the minute.
take care of yourself Linds, please don't hesitate to find me if you need too.
ash
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
They've only just done their review, they think i'm ok now.
