*huggles*
Sorry I not been around this weekend Jen :(
I hope counselling goes really well today, and it'll be a good idea to talk to her about going to the doctor.
Exams are a stressy time, and things are bound to feel quite bad, but don't give up- the exams will be over soon, then it's summer :) Talai started a thread in General Advice about exam stress, maybe check it out? (Shameless publicity for her thread :p).
And you said that you're better than you were last year- remember that! Things aren't completely better, and some days are bad, but it's better than it was- long road to recovery and all that! It sounds like the pills have worked a bit, so I don't think you should stop taking them. I think it's important to remember that they can only do so much though. You have some pretty big self-esteem issues, and drugs won't make that go away. That's what the counselling is for, and also talking on here, going out and making friends etc.
It's tough, and some days in depths of exams it just seems like everything sucks, but remember, there is a light- you've made a lot of progress in the last year, and there's no reason that you won't continue to make lots of progress.
*puts on silly hat and dances a jig*
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 03-05-2011 at 09:18 AM.
Reason: golly gosh, how did that random equals sign get there?
not your fault.
exams dont usually bother me that much. i think they just been helping setting off my bad stuff. i hate voices, i hate not being able to cope on my own. i hate my stupid self. i dont want to see doctor but i has too but i could not. feeling crazy.
counseling was ok but we talked about so much and now i'm kind of overwhelmed/ just feeling weird. and kind of upset about how i treat myself.
need to do work that was due in today and some due in last week but just want to curl up with teddies and hide.
feeling kinda bad and a bit self destructive.
sorry.
Last edited by long road : 03-05-2011 at 08:09 PM.
Reason: taking out swears
*throws teddies at Jen*
Glad counselling was ok, and I think you need to give yourself some time after counselling to reflect and let everything sink in. Could you set aside an hour after counselling where you just cuddle up in bed and let all the weirdness and overwhelming calm down?
Did you manage to get the work done last night?
And please go to the doctor- it's A Level exam times (yoiks!), and the last thing you need is your brain chemistry getting screwed up because you suddenly stop taking your meds. Could you get Adam to go with you to the doctor's?
maybe could take some time out. counselling is like 4.30 -5.30 and then i have to travel home, dont get home til around 6.20/30 pm. so its not long til dinner. then i should work. kind of failed at working last night did precisely none. well actually did fp2 question like 3 times but it kept going wrong.. but i do need some time, when i did it in middle of day i used either go home early or force self back to school to concentrate on something else, which sometimes helped. *shrugs*. I forgot ducky which didnt help.
i managed to tell mum i'm out of tablets and repeats and she is making me appointment. told her to make me stop putting it off. so going tomorrow morning probably. I couldnt take adam i love him but I dont want him to worry so sometimes hide how bad my mental health is playing up from him.
*hugs back with the 4 bears and 4 ducks in my bed*
sorry i so silly sometimes.
was just a mess of a jen yesterday.
today been ridicolously hayfevery so ilish but ok in other respects. hope you ok you importaint.
i have a few extra bears and lots and lots of extra bears probably at least 100. just only a few live on my bed :)
*sigh* i could get refferred. i could run away from doctors entirely. I could try, i dont know just try to go it alone or even stop fighting. i got my alevels soon. i dont really want to fail at the last hurdle, in some ways i feel i've failed already. everyone says the AABBC i got last year is brilliant especially considering the circumstances. me I still cant see that, I don't feel like i've done what i coulod have done. despite working hard, not hidng actually trying to suceed. i feel a failuire.
Even gave up an A subject (politics ) stupid but it was the least to do with engineering and i do like the subjects i still do.
i could just keep seeing doc refusing referral and seeing counsellor. though i guess if i keep refusing referral a) i'm mildly worried i'll be forced that way. and b) well its not a positive choice is it, I've tried so hard to travel along the road whatever bumps i've gone through i've kept trying and thats a step back.
But i'm scared. Scared to go back to mental health services of some sort. scared of my mum knowing i'm going back, i try to talk to her about it but i can't.. feels like a backward step acually going for an assessment and yet refusing it not even giving it ago thats backwards.
pffft i dislike the confusion i dislike being 'mentally ill'. I feel like the fact i am mentally ill is my fault. It hurts.
*steals one bear from Jen, hoping she doesn't notice* :P
AABBC is very good! Even regardless of 'the circumstances', that's a cracking set of grades, and only super cool people can do five ASs :)
It's not your fault that you're mentally ill, and you have done so well with it all.
Going back to MH services wouldn't be a bad thing, or a step back- it's OK to admit that things are tricky and that you need a little help. And after all, an assessment is such that- they're only assessing, not saying anything for definite, just checking a few things out, to see how you're doing. Maybe try to think about it like that?
bear stealing! you could just ask nicely and one could come stay? I could pack them a suitcase...
there i go sounding like a little kid. I still play with my cuddly toys they dance around, watch doctor who, get up to mischief even come on holiday, just sometimes i wish that it was more acceptable. some understand but others even well meaning ones laugh and joke 'what are you five?' in answer yes. theres still a little scared 5 year old girl in me who never got justice cos noone believed her.
but theres also a big or small jen having fun, and nothing should be wrong with that. never mind what other bits of my head think.
Grades well. Two maths alevels at solid B's i'm proud of i like maths but i'm not a maths genius so i settle for good. but well i'm very good at putting myself down. at beggining of sixth form i was predicted straight A's and aiming for cambridge, circumstances and results changed that. and the voices were reinforcing this with failuire evidence when they palyed up those few days a week or so ago.
maybe MH service is an ok thing? Maybe, anyway doubt i get much after assessment waiting lists and all...
More worried about mum worrying and telling dad some of what i told her once about stuff i 'had ' experienced seeing as her reactions to past voices was bad enought.
yourS sincerely an idiot x
Last edited by long road : 08-05-2011 at 06:09 PM.
Reason: to change stupid error
tee hee. Well, I'm too lazy to collect any bears from the station, so he/she will have to make it's own way from Leyton station to my house, with its little suitcase :p
And bah, it's fine to have an inner child, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 'Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.' What do you mean about the five year old jen who never got justice? What happened?
Yeah, everyone thought I'd go to Cambridge, but here I am, in first year again, doing a new degree, at a university that isn't especially good for maths. But hey, everything happens for a reason right? The past is the past, and we just have to lick our wounds and take advantage of what we have and what we have learned to make the best possible future for ourselves. Dear God, *chokes on rainbow*.
I can empathise with the telling parents thing, as I'm sure a lot of us can! You could maybe say it's just an assessment to see how things are going now you've been discharged from MH services, and see what happens there first?
Uhh, 'your sincerely an idiot'? That sounds very much like you are calling me an idiot. How very rude :p
First things first i have now edited spelling it should have been yourS sincerely an idiot. my apologies for the confusion. I might just not tell parents at all though that is difficult as thye might want explanations about where I am. Bear wise I'm afraid that a short walk for a human can be a marathon one for a bear ( most teddy bears legs are significantly shorter than ours). But you will get to meet ducky if i manage meet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sigaoo
What do you mean about the five year old jen who never got justice? What happened?
Just the bullying stuff. The first bully william the one who hit me stran gled me and generally hurt me. And the way i tried asking for help once was fobbed off and stopped asking. So it wasnt fixed, only thing that stoped it was a group of boys banding together becoming my friends and keeping him away from me. I think it definitely messed up my whole when to tell and whats right sense.
Just thats it I know somewhere that that shit shouldnt of hapened yet i still dismiss it. harder now I know it didnt happen to everyone. *shrugs*.
still kind of scared inside.
And like talai said, I'm really sorry about everything that happened to you :( Remember that you aren't that little girl anymore, and you have more power now than you did then- William can't hurt you anymore.
it just doesnt feel like that. sometimes i can steal see him hurting me.
what did i do must have done something or why would it happen. mind you why did any of 11 years of bullying happen. and i know i shouldnt think it but the onky common factor between different bullies is me.
sorry
i try its..hard.
talked about it in counselling today.which helped a bit.
Its like Did i react the wrong way would they have gone away if i'd done something different. It finally hit home how much i was bullied when i described people: kicking over my chair; tripping me up; touching my arse cos it made me feel awkward: as nothing major. i didnt like it but it was part of life you tried to ignore it, to not explode. but if i saw kids doing this what would i think? bad memories are there but i got through things by pushing them down and focusing on the ok and the good bits.
Still rememember the first time I though about suicide I was 9 years old. that makes me feel a little fucked up. still cant really see how i am as an illness I just take the pills to keep the doctors happy and try to deal with things.
meh was a good session and we ended on a more positive note.
hope you're ok you been posting at 3am a lot *hugs*
this jen xx
I'm glad that counselling went ok! I think it sounds like an important session- it can hurt to go over the memories and remember stuff, but it's important to acknowledge them, accept them and be able to put them in the past and move on.
It's sad that you first considered suicide when you were nine, but it's not fucked up, and it's credit to you that you're still here, fighting.
So do you not feel the pills are working?
I'm fine thank you :D
jk, I know you're not talking to me :P
Jen's phone line has got screwed up, so she doesn't have internet for a while, hence no reply.
But *bump* anyway. Hope to see you back on here soon Jen!
Finally back on the interweb. like jen said my phone line has been out since wednesday when someone stole a quarter mile of copper phone cable, and cut off the landline network to most of my area. But bless BT they been working through the weekend and its now back.
to be honest I have no idea if the pills are working or not. but i'd probably go with not much, been on the pills a year and 3 months on the stronger dose 8 months and although I have made progressd i dont think its the pills that have done it ( although that could just be because i dont like them so won't give them credit) more me talking with people, trying to use the cbt and beginning (only beginning but it a start) to accept things. Maybe they do 'take the edge off' i have no idea really i mean its not like i can look at a chart and see i would be this much worse if i didnt take medication. guess i thought they might level things more than they have, part of reason dose got upped in oct was mixture of relapse and mood swings. who knows? Worked out dip recently is probably partly triggered by exam stress, i'm not aware of being overly stressed but i think the little extra bit tipped the see saw the wrong way again.
on the good side no voices for a week or two :)
and after much self debate and talking to counsellor and a good friend i have decided to accept referral from doc if she still wants to when i see her on thursday.
first a2 exam wednesday, getting the hang of DE just about and not feeling overly fucked up, Hope you are all well on the good ship RYL,
Jen x
ps.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sigaoo
It's sad that you first considered suicide when you were nine, but it's not fucked up, and it's credit to you that you're still here, fighting.
not so sure about that. i dont know it just scares me and makes me feel mad. i mean i think that was an one off, but urges to jump out of windows started coming into my head regularly but with no real intent just urge around 14. guess it makes me realise that maybe i should of got help earlier. and then i feel silly.
Last edited by long road : 15-05-2011 at 07:21 PM.
Reason: added bit
Um... it must of sucked to lose internet, but that's a hilarious story! I can just imagine someone creeping along in the night, digging up a 300m of cable... ! Lol.
The pills are probably working more than you think. You're on 40mg right? Do you think you could try going up to 60mg?
That's good that you've had no voices for a while. Good luck on Wednesday!
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
bear stealing! you could just ask nicely and one could come stay? I could pack them a suitcase...
