Really sorry i haven't replied much to this thread.
But i just wanted to echo what other people have said. To keep going through all of this shows a great deal of strength. And that i know you can get through this.
I have very briefly mentioned Alice two or three weeks ago to my social worker but I could not bring myself to explain fully. Partly because of how dangerous it is and also because I suck at verbal explanations. I am feeling really dreadful and on edge tonight. I'm scared and I also KNOW how ridiculous that is.
Laura, I do appreciate what you were saying and I totally see why you might think something like that but this Alice is not the same. I can't describe properly. I KNOW she should not be here and yet she is. A friend of mine....I say friend....she is a close/best friend's sister who I have met more than a few times in the last few years and who has had a baby last night. She named her Alice. No joke. Check my fb if you all think I'm lying....why wouldn't you? I would if it was almost anyone else. Alice...whatever she is, whatever she or even IT stands for is taking over.
Lark, the new baby's mum is so lovely! She is a wonderful Mum to her two boys already but I am petrified Alice will ruin things. The demonic ghost girl is here and yet she seems to be spreading but at the same time she is NOT because I understand logically that this should not be the case. I would give anything for L to have named her little girl something else. Literally almost anything.
I don't know how to handle 'things', I guess I mean my head, tonight....everything is grey and I NEED to properly harm. I keep thinking if I do then L and her baby will be safe.I also KNOW that is ridiculous, that doesn't stop the 'what if' thoughts or the instructions though.
I'm sorry for not replying. I just don't understand the question you asked Laura. I am evil. I'm 'wrong'. There has to be a pay off for that. I have not harmed properly and that baby is still alive but I am petrified,genuinely, truthfully scared. I hate myself more than I can explain, none of it 'makes sense' but it is the truth.
I'm sorry I asked a confusing question. I came back to say that it was a tricky question that nobody knows the answer to, and it wasn't fair to ask it. I guess I was just trying to ask if you thought you had anything emotionally 'invested' in feeling that your actions determined the fate of other people. I guess I just asked because, for me, it possibly did.
The baby will be okay, Emma. It's incredibly unlikely that anything bad will happen to the baby, but if it did, it wouldn't be your fault. Promise. The choices you make only affect yourself, in the sense of self harming. The only way self harming could have an impact on anyone else, would be other people worrying about it. But their worry is their thing to own. I understand the extent of the fear, guilt and shame though.
Thanks Romp I don't even know why I am crying but I do really appreciate you replying x
Thanks Laura as well. I guess I did understand the question, I just don't know how to answer it. L and Alice are home from the hospital now. I do know logically that you are right, I really do but it doesn't 'feel' right, if that makes any sense. I know it was a tricky question but that does not mean (in my opinion) that it is an invalid one....I just don't know how to answer though. I'm sorry. I really did try, promise.
I cancelled the IHTT yesterday (Monday) because I harmed quite badly, worse than I have done since Christmas and I couldn't face dealing with them. I got a phone call from their 'team leader' as a result who is coming to visit tuesday (tomorrow) afternoon. My SW is away until next Wednesday.
That was one of the most pointless, least helpful meetings I have ever had. She knew nothing about me, she thought I might be feeling upset and feeling bad because I felt abandoned by my social worker going on holiday. She did not know I was moving, or that I wasn't on meds, or whether I had been on them before and then she just started talking about activities like swimming, volunteering etc, which I DO see the point of, I understand why they are helpful for some people but I genuinely don't think I can do them.
What is the point in any of this? I couldn't tell her about what is going on inside my head, I couldn't tell her anything. I burst into tears and told her none of it is helping and I'm just going round in circles, gradually getting worse and she said 'that is why you should try something like the rethink pilates group'. She left me feeling like a badly behaved difficult school child. She said she didn't think I needed HTT involvement and asked if I wanted one of them to ring me later in the week. I said no. There is no point, I am rubbish at talking on the phone to people at the best of times let alone about how I am feeling to a total stranger who will just tell me to use distractions anyway. She said that was fine and to call CRT if I need to talk to anyone and my SW will probably see me next Wednesday.
Nothing helps, none of it. I'm tired in absolutely everyway and the worst thing is that if she had suggested IP today then I probably would have agreed and now my head, the thoughts feel worse than ever. I rang up my friend straight after in tears which is not like me. I don't like my friends seeing me like this.
I'm pathetic, I can't even talk to someone I don't know, someone who is basically there for me to do just that. I give up trying to be 'responsible'. I am going to my friends for a bit and then getting totally smashed. I don't care. I can't care anymore, it is too hard, sorry.
I have been good for a whole week, more than that if she cares to check, ignoring self harm. I have not acted on impulse or anything. As a result I think I deserve to be trusted. I'm going to ask her for a month or so supply of prescription sleeping tablets. I can control impulse thoughts so I should be trusted right?
Uh huh... that is so not going to happen! If a patient of mine was good for a week or two and then asked for a month of supplies? I'd be like "so you controlled yourself so you could get this" . Noooot going to happn!
I love you. n
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I'm pleased to here that you have been able to manage your impulses with regards to self harm.
Why would you want a months supply? Surely that would make it difficult if the impulses/thoughts came back really strong. I'm just wondering if there is a negative reason, hiding somewhere, as to why you would want a months supply? I remember a time when i was really destructive and lying about how I was so that I could be prescribed more tablets (that I was saving) I'm not saying thats the case with you, but it is a little concerning.
How have things been besides the self harm and urges?
*hugs* thinking of you
sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.
You were right. She said no. She said no and then said she was not happy giving me a weeks worth let alone a months but would ask my psychiatrist and phone me on Friday. I need them, I need that safety net and they are ruining it. I don't have enough at the moment. I just need them. I didn't tell her that. I told her it was cheaper to give me a month or two on one prescription and that since I had not abused any meds really for over a week that I should be trusted.
How are things? Well I don't know. I am supposed to be moving in two weeks but I have no idea where to or anything like that. My friend has said I can go and stay with her for a bit whilst my social worker carries on trying to get me a place in supported housing. That means I need to sort out storing my furniture and all sorts of stuff like that. I just don't have the....well I don't even know what it is that I don't have. Energy? Motivation?. I am sure I will do it, I usually do but that does not make it any easier and certainly does not help with the 'bad' thoughts.
She said I was agitated. Then she said I need to write a crisis plan to say how I would like them to handle a crisis, whether I would like to be put in hospital or treated at home if possible, blah blah blah. I don't want any of it. I can't see her accepting a crisis plan that basically says 'leave me alone'. Oh well.
Em you wouldnt trust someone with a history of meds abuse who had behaved for a week, what make you think your worker would be dumb enough to fall for it? You remind of another drowns of mine. She keeps telling me her psych is stupid. This is jorriblhnwdsnfsbm
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I am annoyed, I think with myself and I don't know why and I honestly not 100% sure. I do totally understand where people are coming from when they say a week is not enough so what did I expect but still.....a week was ****ing hell! They go on about being responsible etc so I thought if I told her the thoughts/urges had lessened and that I had kind of been 'good' for over a week that she would give me a longer script. I am annoyed because anybody else writing/posting that would piss me off and yet here I AM writing it but it is different. I need this. I deserve this. I don't just think I do, I mean I ACTUALLY do. It is hard to explain.Maybe I shouldn't be explaining anyway. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
It is not that I don't want the crisis plan....I just don't see how it will help. 'What alternative measures could be put in place to avoid you being admitted?'
Well....I wouldn't be admitted because I wouldn't allow it again.
'What helps you feel better?'
Very little, I can be briefly distracted by PRN/friends but it doesn't last.
And so on. It feels like the whole point of the crisis plan is putting off the inevitable. I can't even answer most of the questions. 'What treatment would you like if you were in crisis?'. The simple answer is either 'I don't know' or 'none' based on how awful I am feeling when you ask me. If I was so set on dying though then why am I still here now? I shouldn't be, which means clearly that however much 95% of me is set on it then part of me isn't and that should be a good thing right? But its not! I don't even know what I am trying to say. It just feels like everyone is asking too much from me and I just can't do it.
I agreed with my SW to try and see friends and went a while after she had gone where they basically said the same thing she had done.....too jittery, too on edge.....lorazepam probably needed, not allowed to drive until calmer. After 5 hours or so and some PRN I calmed. Kind of calm now.....weird feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball and be invisible and hide because I am exhausted and also needing to think, needing to move around, needing to be certain, needing to be right, needing things to be CLEAR, not wanting the empty silence, needing to keep things and people safe. I don't even know anymore. I think I want to sleep but I'm not sure. I just need things to make sense I think.
and I also KNOW how ridiculous that is.
