thing is, nothing has been solved. I was unsuccessful in my attempt, Jo and natasha are still gone and im left dealing with it and i just cant do this anylonger...harming abates the feelings but doesnt take them away or solve anything...i need more...harming will do for the time being until i find a way
drink kind of helps. it helps me verbalise my feelings and what iks going on for me. but i cant talk to anyone here...i have family, but noone i can really talk to...not about death and hurting myself
Rowie it scares me so much when I check on this thread. I always have this sinking feeling that your harming has gone too far and killed you or you have managed some other way and that your husband has to post the news. I am seriously worried hun, I can't imagine how your family feel. I'm sorry to seem so full on but we care and we worry that you don't.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I wish i could say everything is ok but my mind is planning and trying to decide whether to harm at my sisters or to do it tonight before i go.
I cant not, thats not an option....and i dont want to burden my sister so i guess ive answered my own question...
I had a lovely time at my parents and my sisters, but things havent really changed.
I cut myself badly before i went to my parents and hubby took me to a and e. On the way there he said that if i ever od'd again, he would tell the children. I personally dont think its right to include our children in this and i told him so...I think he is trying to scare me into not doing it again. I know i put him in a difficult position and i do feel guilty because of that.
Whilst at my parents i felt very needy and really wanted/needed to see my doctor....he was lovely, but is now taking me off my meds gradually as he doesnt think theyre working and also because he has lost trust in me since i took the od. Im scared of being without them incase i become unstable...but then i dont want to be taking them if theyre not really working
My arm doesnt look right. It looks how it did when i had the bad infection...the whole upper arm has gone...in a way it has pleased me and i will do anything i can to keep it going
I cut myself badly before i went to my parents and hubby took me to a and e. On the way there he said that if i ever od'd again, he would tell the children. I personally dont think its right to include our children in this and i told him so...I think he is trying to scare me into not doing it again. I know i put him in a difficult position and i do feel guilty because of that.
Will they not find out if you kill yourself? The only way to keep your children out of this is to not do it, really. Having just read through this, I must find that (and I could be entirely off as I don't know you) Matthew's words here feel the most 'right' to me. Desperate attempts to maintain control in such situations isn't good. "It's got me this far," but "It's also got you back to here again.". I'm just as guilty of this, always, but that doesn't mean it's right to do.
I hope the change in meds works out better for you. :)
Rowie it scares me so much when I check on this thread. I always have this sinking feeling that your harming has gone too far and killed you or you have managed some other way and that your husband has to post the news. I am seriously worried hun, I can't imagine how your family feel. I'm sorry to seem so full on but we care and we worry that you don't.
this has worried me for years now. i love you so much rowie bird.xxxxxx
you say you don't want to coem off the meds incase you become unstable, darling you already are my sweet, this isn't stable behaviour, my love i wish so much i could be near to hold you, look how many people here care, and you have such amazing children look what you did for them, you brought them up to be so fabulous, please see what amazing things you have done and the positive things around you xxx
Im scared. Im seeing my linkworker tomorrow and i normally try to be happy in the session, but there isnt any way im going to beable to muster a smile. I dont know how he will react or if indeed he can cope with a depressed client....infact, I dont even know what his role is. Maybe he is the link between me and the cmht. What does it matter anyway. Im seeing him, I feel poop and thats that.
My arm is permanently wet and gooey...not a good sign.
Oh and i got my discharge notes from the hospital (never had that before) and my hb has dropped even more which has cheered me up. I have a figure to aim for, i know its wrong but my head is in self destruct mode and anything bad that can happen to me is a blessing.
I may try to drive tomorrow. I havent driven for over 6months but i really ought to and it will stop me disrupting my hubbys work(he works from home). But, you see...I need some new blades and if i went on my own i could pop into the chemist..I cant do that if he is with me.
Hmm, I do waffle on here but its like im talking to a close friend xx
Good luck with seeing your worker tomorrow, I hope it goes well for you. You don't need to try to be happy. Perhaps it will be good to let him know how your feeling so he can provide a bit of extra support. The arm doesn't sound so good, sounds like you should get it checked out. Yes you could get the blades but I really don't think that's a good idea. How about reaching out for support tomorrow from your linkworker tomorrow. You can self-destruct but do you really want to keep doing that? Please fight because you deserve to. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Thank you Kat, I really appreciate your support xx
Well, I drove but with my hubby in the car. I needed him there for support as i havent driven for over 6months and wanted him in the car with me...''just in case''. So I didnt buy any blades, but i found a new one yesterday in a different bag, so thats ok.
I was only in with my link worker for 10minutes instead of the half an hour. I dont think he knew what to do with me and also i think he wanted to speak with my psych and doctor...both of whom id seen recently. He advised that i went for a walk when i got back home...but i went to bed.
Couldnt face the world.
Thats it you see...i just cant face the world. I cant face my life. I cant stand to be awake and live. Thats really sad, I know...but thats how it is. those are the facts
So, I see my doctor next week and nodoubt I will be taken off my meds. I will feel bare and empty without them and am worried my moods will fluctuate. But if he thinks that its for the best, then thats fine and I will go along with it...I know he has my best interests at heart, afterall, thats his job
Im having an evening of binge drinking..I know its not good for me, but it helps to blot all the crap out..gives me some peace for awhile.
am feeling slightly potent now by alcohol and if it wasnt so late i would be hurting myself beyond means....ive really had enough of this life and i havent got the ability to change it for the best...all i have are the coping mechanisms that ive learnt along the way and they really arent very good for me..i dont like to be stopped.
I know i am a pain in the backside for the services and that they dont know what to do to help me. so the best thing they can do is to leave me alone which is what they do do and it hurts me somuch
I am a person with needs and they dont seem to see that...to them i am a blot on the landscape, someone with no hope, someone who is a burden to society...the cmht just dont want to know...i say sod them!! I dont need them!! I am my own person and can deal with my problems in my own way without the bloody cmht...who are they anyway?? what do they do which is significant to my getting better?? NOTHING!!
Gosh...i sound bitter and maybe i am...who cares? I dont!!
Rowie I know your hurting alot right now and you don't see anyway out of this but you only you can get yourself out of this. The supports put in place can only help you if you want to help yourself. It has to be a team effort. I know you want to give up but do you really want this for yourself? It's hard as hell to do things when you are feeling this low but it is not impossible. I find when I am feeling low as hard as it is trying to do one small thing a day can really make a difference. Even if it is as simple as having a shower or going for a short walk. I understand how when your feeling this low all you want to do is lie in bed all day but it really doesn't help things, even if you just watch some tv or anything to help keep your mind distracted. Is there a particular reason why your doctor is taking you off your meds? Sorry if you have previously mentioned it. Your right binge drinking is not healthy, how can you distract your mind in a healthier way? What about music or doing puzzles etc. I know you feel like you don't have the ability to change this but remember no one else can change this but you and I fully believe you can do it. Please keep fighting, also I apologise if my post sounds harsh as that is not my intention. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I am a person with needs and they dont seem to see that...to them i am a blot on the landscape, someone with no hope, someone who is a burden to society...the cmht just dont want to know...i say sod them!! I dont need them!! I am my own person and can deal with my problems in my own way without the bloody cmht...who are they anyway?? what do they do which is significant to my getting better?? NOTHING!!
I think that should read "I am a person with needs and I dont seem to see that"
Until you see you have needs you will never ever accept the help they try to give. The reason they "give up" is because they can ONLY help if you want it. There is simply no greater force than your own will and a whole National Health service cannot fight against that while it is so determined to destroy everything you are.
I still believe you have not let go of the dreadful guilt over your son. I still feel this is the stone that keeps you under. I think you have become skilled in avoidance. but i dont think you are beyond help. Nor beyond compassion and love.
You arent a bad person and never ever were. You wouldnt wish what you do to yourself on your worst enemy. Somehow and some day you must get rid of this guilt and self hate. This illness lies to you each and every day. Its not you talking inside, its the illness.
One day at a time. Accept you are ill. Accept you need help. It wont happen in a day. It could take another year. but the first step as i have found is to first accept. Simply accept the need.
I care.
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Rowie I know your hurting alot right now and you don't see anyway out of this but you only you can get yourself out of this. The supports put in place can only help you if you want to help yourself. It has to be a team effort. I know you want to give up but do you really want this for yourself? It's hard as hell to do things when you are feeling this low but it is not impossible. I find when I am feeling low as hard as it is trying to do one small thing a day can really make a difference. Even if it is as simple as having a shower or going for a short walk. I understand how when your feeling this low all you want to do is lie in bed all day but it really doesn't help things, even if you just watch some tv or anything to help keep your mind distracted. Is there a particular reason why your doctor is taking you off your meds? Sorry if you have previously mentioned it. Your right binge drinking is not healthy, how can you distract your mind in a healthier way? What about music or doing puzzles etc. I know you feel like you don't have the ability to change this but remember no one else can change this but you and I fully believe you can do it. Please keep fighting, also I apologise if my post sounds harsh as that is not my intention. Take care
Kat xxx
Thank you Kat...your post wasnt harsh, it was what i needed to hear.I have started to watch a bit of television and i do make myself get dressed when im up and i have tried to cut down on my drinking. My doctor is taking me off my meds because a, I od'd on them and b. because he doesnt think they are helping me. I beg to differ and am waiting to see how my mood is once ive come off them xx
I think that should read "I am a person with needs and I dont seem to see that"
Until you see you have needs you will never ever accept the help they try to give. The reason they "give up" is because they can ONLY help if you want it. There is simply no greater force than your own will and a whole National Health service cannot fight against that while it is so determined to destroy everything you are.
I still believe you have not let go of the dreadful guilt over your son. I still feel this is the stone that keeps you under. I think you have become skilled in avoidance. but i dont think you are beyond help. Nor beyond compassion and love.
You arent a bad person and never ever were. You wouldnt wish what you do to yourself on your worst enemy. Somehow and some day you must get rid of this guilt and self hate. This illness lies to you each and every day. Its not you talking inside, its the illness.
One day at a time. Accept you are ill. Accept you need help. It wont happen in a day. It could take another year. but the first step as i have found is to first accept. Simply accept the need.
I care.
Matthew xxx
Thank you Matthew. I think youre right in that I still havent let go of the guilt from my sons illness, its constantly there...when he walks around the house without a top on and i see his badly disfigured body and the scars...it feels raw and hurts me to the pit of my sdtomach...i dont think that will ever go away..I do think i have to take one day at a time but, I am now doing this on my own and soon without meds..i nolonger see a therapist and im not under the cmht...i see my doc every two weeks for a catch up, but thats all it is. I think i do accept that i need help, but the help just isnt there anymore
much love xx
