Also i am kind of (VERY) stupid...i didnt know there was a RYL chat......, also missed that part from the start of your post.
Its a shame that a few people are having problems on here, i know that alot of people are under stress or feeling down so things said arent always meant.
Theres lots of different people, going through different, things and with different views....so i guess these things happen sometimes :(
Last edited by NicolaRose : 23-02-2010 at 11:40 PM.
Reason: add more
I had a dream about MJ last night, it was a good dream I think. I dreamed it was our wedding day and me and her husband were in the limo with the pastor. I was happy, we were giggling and laughing and all the things we used to. She told me to call her later and I woke up.
I grabbed my cell and started to call her, then I remembered she hates me. It's like it just happened all over again. I harmed last night, bad...I need a therapist...
Sorry I've been so busy the past couple of days. I just read everything, and I'm sorry you had to transfer servers. I'm even more sorry some jerk was upsetting you in chat. This isn't a place to judge, nor is it a place to upset people. Don't listen to then, it's not worth your time.
The fact that you're still trying to stop is what matters, I think. You have people that care, people that won't upset you and make it all worse. Just hang on to those that care and don't let the other jerks get you down.
Well, I've decided I'm getting help. This is too big an addiction for me to stop on my own so I'm going to my first psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, well today it's 2am here, insomnia's getting worse...
Melchior and NicolaRose, thank you for sticking with me and not giving up. You two are the main reason I am pursuing help, I've finally gotten the courage to make that call. I am very scared as I have a phobia of doctors, but you two (and a few others, so many others i just can't name here) have inspired me to be strong and to get the help I've needed all my life but was too afraid to ask for.
Im so glad that you are staying string and now trying to get help. Thanks, I am also glad if I have helped in some way.
I know how scary it isto get help for the first time. It's a very big thing to do and I am proud of you.
You can do it, I know it's scary, but as I've found out the first time of speaking to a therapist isn't too involved, and there will be a gap between getting regular appointments. But it mught be different, and depending on how serious it is.
Good luck and I hope it all goes well :)
I'm so pleased that you are wa ting to get help and get better
Well I'm sitting in the waiting room and about to have a nervous breakdown right here, people are staring at me. There's strange men here omg I'm not sure I can do this. I'm scared because what I'd my mom finds out I mean I'm 20 and don't live with her but I know she wouldn't like me seeing a psychiatrist. Everyone here I'd freaking me out I feel like I can't breathe.
I'm gonna try this, all though if I run out of here screaming don't be mad at me. I've never been this scared.
No one's going to be mad at you. Not now, not ever.
It is scary, especially being around so many people. But don't bother looking at them, don't think about them. They don't matter. What does matter is that you're there and that this can help.
I think what should matter is that you are trying to get help. That's huge and very important. Your mom won't find out, this is about you and no one else.
I hope it all went ok,
I know it is scary but the main thing is that you are trying, no matter what happens. Your mom shoulnt find out as it is all confidential unless you actually want to tell her, don't worry snout what she or others think and this is about you and you getting help.
It may feel like people are looking at you but maybe it isn't in a nasty or judging way, if other people are there waiting it us because they are getting help too, and the people working there are non judgementel and will have seem similar things before. You don't have to feel ashamed of getting help.
This is a good opertunity for you and a good thing that you ate doing, even if you have tried but can't go in, we are all still proud of you
i went and it was a good thing...i felt like i needed to be there :) she was so nice and inviting. i feel i can share with her, she understands me, something no one else does who's around me <the exception being my husband>...
I'm getting help guys, thanks for sticking with me!
My psychiatrist told me that RYL was a good thing, and that when i feel down i should be here with others who are struggling just like me. <3 you guys!
Well, I don't have a car as I've probly stated <but in case I haven't> and when I need to go somewhere my mom or grandparents have to bring me places. Well, I had the pleasure of borrowing my husband's car this morning to go to my psychiatrist appointment; but tomorrow I won't be as lucky as Daniel gets off work earlier than I could go pick him up. So my grandfather has agreed to take me <very nice of him :)> there's only one issue....the condition of my grandma letting him do so is I had to tell my mom I am going to therapy. No big deal right? WRONG! My mom has been verbally abusive to me ever since I can remember.
So, how do you strike up a conversation like this with someone who not only hates psychiatrists, but is a nurse and an intimidating mother? Not easy I tell you, so I came right out with it..."Mom, I just got back from my first psychiatrist appointment..." there was silence on the other end of the line for a bit and just when I was about to get scared and hang up she asked me the doctor's name. So I told her and she wasn't mad, but she did what normal moms would do just...with her own twist
My mom has this idea in her head that she isnt' the cause of my issues now because I'm not in her house anymore and what's in the past should stay there....Yeah that's why the memories are haunting me right? Well, I don't wanna make her feel bad now <she has been trying to change whole-heartedly and I respect that>; but I need to get these issues cleared up.
She b*tched a bit and then told me "well u know you can always talk to me..." and "i'm ur friend" and then the more angry "well, you should talk to me and not them, but if you have to talk to them, talk to both of us"
Great....my first good day ruined, oh well at least it lasted longer than I expected....
First therapy appointment today, I was really nervous. The lady told me I have been officially diagnosed with clinical depression, OCD, PTSD, and social anxiety. My family doesn't believe that I have PTSD or a social anxiety so m suck in that boat alone.
I was scared to talk today and I wanted to harm, today's 3 days free if I last tonight. I'm visiting my grandma and uploading this on my iPhone because even though I love her and I would do anything for her she's boring the he'll out if me with quilts. I'm interested only because I love her I'll upload more later
Well hey, I know that sucks about your parents. I've gotten a similiar guilt trip before. It's unfortunate that people don't realize how difficult it can be, and that sometimes they just can't help.
I hope you're doing well, and I hope that appointment goes well!
I'm glad you are going ahead with the therapy and are getting your problems diagnosed.
I'm sorry you got such a bad reaction from your mum ( I have been told about just letting the past go as well but sometimes that's just impossible, abd you need to talk about it or get help to get over it). The fact that even though it was a hard thing to do to have to tell your mom you still did it abd are still getting help. That shows you have alot of strength and want to get better.
Sorry you are feeling a but bad again now. Well done fir the 3 days I hope they continue.
Try not to let your families feelings get to you, you are doing thus for you, it's good that your mom has tried to change now, maybe when she sees a happier you with the problems sorted out she will be glad of the help you have got and understand
Looking at pictures, thinking about memories long lost...and trying to face the fact that MJ's not coming back. My other friend who was supposed to support me hasn't called me in a few days...I feel like a child. My grandmother and mom keep telling me that friends just "grow apart" me and MJ didn't. We stayed up late and did fun stuff, went to the movies, mall, stuff like that once a month. I can't let this go...the next therapy appointment is all about getting over past experiences, I doubt that'll be fun.
I know that the therapist is supposed to help; but I also know it won't happen overnight. I want to harm tonight, so I'm writing on my forum and i'll copy this into my journal that Elizabeth <name of my therapist> wants me to keep. So it's 12:28 on Friday night, and I've been thinking about this for about an hour I guess.
I keep wondering what is so f*cking wrong with me...everyone in my life leaves me. I'm so scared that one day I'll hurt my husband too, I try everyday to show and tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him. I'm a horrible person...Jesus I need to show Elizabeth this...I can't always put into words how I feel when I'm in front of someone. It's hard for me, I'm shy now...I was never shy before...my grandma keeps telling me how many friends I made as a child. I was a kid....no worries, no stepdad, no kids picking on me at school, no bad people trying to hurt me, no men trying to tear my clothes off and violate me...none of that...
I'm rambling now...I can't take this, there's something wrong with me...friends grow apart, but not so far that weeks and months go by and they don't call you. I have a friend right now who hasn't responded to me on Facebook in months, this wouldn't bother me but she has time to play 8 different apps and write her snuggy-bear cutesy lil messages EVERY MORNING AND EVERY NIGHT!
I'm tired of being abused, so me and Elizabeth came up with this statement about me and it's right on target....
"I hurt myself before others get a chance to, I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand it..."
So tomorrow will prove to be a nerve-wracking day, I'm going to a car show with Daniel and a few of his friends. Large crowds + Amber being there = bad time. Amber is the girl I tried reaching out to who's always busy. She's never called me, I've always had to call her; and she's never texted me first, I always have to text her. She's always too busy to go hang out, but her posts on Facebook say she's bored and has nothing to do...
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery beause it means I have to let go...
Hope tomorrow goes ok Ren, I can understand why it will be a stressful situation for you, I guess it's hard not to but trynot to focus too much on the day and just take each moment as it comes.
Maybe it will be some time when you can bond with Amber and create more of a friendship. But also if she ignores you or doesn't return messages then that is her problem not yours.
You are a great person and have been through so much, I know it's hard when people leave, but the ones who see and understand the real you will stay
x
I went to a liquidation sale today, lots of people. it was very scary, there were a lot of people around. I'm not racist by no means, but a lot of people in the same room screaming in different languages and of all different ethnicities makes me very nervous; and the men there all stared at me. i wasn't dressed gothic or punk or weird at all, i was in black pants and a tunic shirt. not too tight, not even sexy...
Iono...I'm nervous about tomorrow, I hope Amber and I get to talk; and I hope she and I will become friends. I need a friend.
I hurt myself before others get the chance...
I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand the pain...
To tell the truth, I'm afraid of recovery beause it means I have to let go...
