Triggering - The Tales Of a Broken Heart.

[crazykat]

Another good update

[Delirium.]

I push off early in the morning, the skateboard vibrating the soles of my feet, tears falling. my escape to running away, push again. The road disappears easily as i go faster hitting a hill. Had I knwon what was coming, would I have elft the house? My friends start to follow, their wheels moving in sync with my own and i glance at them. Only one seems nervous. We round the corner languidly and start down the biggest hill in town. My board jerks unsteadily under my feet and I struggle to maintain control. The board picks up speed, 30,35,40...we approach the lower end of the hill and the board jerks suddenly from side to side and i lose control. It flies forward and i go straight down, my trenchcoat catches the wind and forces me to roll, tucking in my arms and legs I hit the nape of my neck squarely and throw one arm out to slow my roll. I flip twice and land on the coat skidding to a stop. Looking up I see the truck, a semi coming straight for my head. Scrambling i throw my arm and leg out to force my head out of the way, just as the truck rolls over my lower limbs. The driver never even saw me. My friends watch in terror as i leap onto my good leg and scoop my kneecap off the road hopping after my board. I slide it up into my arms easily and hop down the road until i get to the hill behind the hospital. A vertical incline about 80feetlong. I grip the rail and grit through the pain hopping straight up and into the sliding doors of the E.R. I look down and see the blood trail I left behind. I scramble slightly, one arm limp and one leg shattered. I set my kneecap on the counter and drop the skateboard by my feet "PUT IT BACK!" i say in a slightly raised panic tone. Too emersed in shock to feel the extent of my injuries. The nurse raises her head "what is that?" "MY KNEECAP!" She jumps to her feet and looks over the counter as i slouch against the counter and pull a large sliver of bone out through the skin, she grabs the phone and the doctors come with a stretcher rushing me into surgery. Unable to put me under i watched them slice open my leg and arm,removingbone fragments embedded in the skin. The look nervously at me but I don't move I just watch. They fit my arm and leg with metal rods, my knee and elbow with metal ball joints and drill them in before stitching me back together and casting it. I spend three days in the hospital. I sit on the edge of my bed and use my good foot to push my board back and forth absently when my friends all walk through the door "We said we were your brothers so we could get in." I jump up and hug them but they sit me back down "Don't walk on it yet silly" I shrug "It doesn't really hurt." I point to the IV dripping slowly into my veins, the next nurse to come in I ask to remove it and she does, tells me I get to go home. My friends all whoop for joy and they put me in a wheelchair with my board across my lap "Dude. I've never seen someone hop so fast" I smirk at them knowing they sat in the waiting room for hours "Thedoctors say your like bionic now is that true?" I laugh "yeah i'm full metal now" knocking my arm cast off my leg and wincing slightly "All in a days skating you know" They all laugh and we go back home. But all I can think of is it was almost my head.

[crazykat]

Good update

[Delirium.]

"Somedays i feel like my fingers are not my own. I watch them flex and move but I don't believe I control them. Sometimes my actionsare unknown, unpredictable the outcome. Somedays I go blind from the pain I hold within. The bottles shatter and I lock myself in until I feel the storm passes,sometimes these feelings are good, when it's bad...

I realize all that I know is all that i've seen with my eyes. All that people have told me, all that people wrote for me to learn, once I read it. Lyrics,quotes,life,love,happiness,anger,sadness. All learned habits. And what if i broke them, and lived somewhere beyond. These fingers are not mine yet they type what I am thinking, but where would they originate. A tiny cellular breakdown telling me what to see,and hear. Seperate to something new. Like memories languid and starnge they pass like the colors I remember but cannot see, how do you unlearn what you have learned? Where does the backwards brainwashing start? Life and death. Taught as everything but tell me would you wish to live when you realize everything is a lie? I've tried so hard to mend my soul, to stitch the rift within.But even my own hands abandon my hopes. All my life I have watched those I love break and fall. But nolonger could I hold it, I hope for you the best my sister, please move past easily. Do not worry for even though I am the past I live while your heart is still beating. If youfind me before this letter forgive me. I love you, Goodbye."
Domynick Alexander "

I set his letter by my feet and think of him, would he be proud of what i've become? Would he even care? I wonder what his last thought was. He smiled at least he was happy, happy to asy goodbye? He left a hole where my soul should be, took it with him to the grave. But still here this note I read. I realize we were one in the same, his thoughts mirrored my own, As did his pain. But nowi travel alone he let his consume him. Would my fatebe the same?

"I'm so sorry brother, my heart grows weak these days. I feel it begining todrain and i fight for life because that's what you wanted..that is what you wanted isn't it? How long would it take? I flounder to the surface with a memoryof your face, and when i look in the mirror I see you. Did you know i've become you. We would look identical were you still here. You're voice still echoes my name. Dear brother would you forgive me? If I no longer had the strength? These sugar pills taken with 151 sure should show me the way. And would I see you on the other side? Would your face still mirror my pain? I fear I hold more since you've been gone. I've added more chains to the links that bind me. How many would you share with me brother? Would you add more once I joined you in the grave?"
-Delirium Jayde"

Still yet more stories to be painted how many until the picture is complete, broken and frayed but finished at last?

"I will miss you two, forgive my departure.I don't think we should leave our brother alone? Do you. Delirium dear I know it will be hard for you, finding first Alexander then me too. Do not forgive me, hate me for all you've got for leaving you alone. Tell ashy i'm sorry i'm leaving her, she will know anyways. I wrote her a seperate letter, this one is foryou.
My only wish is that you put me, below our brother so I may follow him. His tomb large,and stone should serve as my headstone. Visit it when you have the time, otherwise see you again someday. You and Ashy are one of a kind. But two in the same. Never give up on her, keep her safe. Goodbye my sister."
-Veronique Jayde"

That's three in a row.
Only one more to go, but when...

[crazykat]

Good update

[Delirium.]

I lean over and kick the old chest open at the foot of my bed. Begin to throw its contents into a box beside it. Pictures, each face bringing the memory back plain as day. I throw most of them in without looking twice. Letters, some frayed, some the ink is running or bloomed into puddles across the pages. Poems and notebooks falling apart, the backs long gone and half the pages missing. Random useless things that I was given as gifts. Old ratty shirts. I get near to the bottom and it appears empty. My heart twists as I stare at the bottom and press the back right-hand corner and the bottom of the trunk opens to reveal a hidden container. I pull a small red box and pull the garbage can over, sitting on the floor. I stare at it and turn it upside down spilling the contents. A vial of scorpion venom. Vials of blood, empty blade sheaths. Three old blades and a large sliver of glass. I dump the pile into the wastebin and reach down into the chest again and pull out a 9mm. I wrap it in an old shirt and put it in my bag, along with a picture of alexander. I stare into the bottom of the box and pull the last bits out, a bit of rope, a couple throwing knives and a broken dagger i had been meaning to fix. Fold the box shut and push it over by the door with the rest of it. I stare out the front door and the mistress of the house comes over to wish me luck. Ashy meets me at the door with her backpack and her box and we gather our things and walk out to the cab. We stop at the cemetary and i put the tshirt wrapped weapon through the bars under alexander's hearse. And we board the plane to the US.

[Delirium.]

Dollie if you're reading this, i bet your mad at me for you sneezing a ton.

It's been a few days now, and i'm laying awake thinking of you. I'm happy and nervous, torn apart on the edge of both going manic. Anxious but pleased.
Only so many more days before I finally get to be with you. They melt by now going fast and I can't wait.

I'm scared you won't like what you see.

At the same time I know that's stupid for me to think.

So, There happens to be this girl I love more then anything. She means the world and more to me. If she were a tree i'd be one happy leaf. I don't normally talk about things so close to me, so forgive me if it down't make sense to you, my analogies.

I'm going to ask this girl to stay with me. Forever, and she knows where and that it's going to be, but not when thats my secret to keep.
Soon my love soon. I will be there to wrap you in my arms, should you weep i've a shoulder, and warm arms to wrap you in when you sleep. I'll keep you close to my heart, and it will beat, but only for you.
I tell you if you smile, i smile. If you cry, im here for you, if you jump off a bridge you better be ready for the rowboat, id tell you to grab the lifesaver but youd probably bite it attempting to eat it so, no bridges for you.

I bet my love is smiling now, having read that. having read this sentence she's blushing, but it's adorable because she looks so beautiful when shes the color of a beet.

Well, i guess i'm done telling you all about what my love{soon to be wife} is thinking as she reads this.

Feel free to tell me if i'm wrong darling.

Not too long ago. You asked me to be with you, did you know i didn't take you seriously. Assumed you were joking, what could you possibly see in me? I knew all along we were meant to be, but so much of a deadbeat.heart heavy i didn't want for you to need to share my pain.

However I accepted through my better judgement, and i've found. It was the best think I ever chose to betray myself on. Did you know i swore to never love again? So when did you sneak past my walls? I've opened the door for you now, invited you farther in. Would you take this and believe it true or would you assume lies, and the bast---s before you. think of what they've done, do you really think i'd do that to you? I dream of you every night and smile when I wake. Did you know just your name makes me grin?


more later

P.S. I love you Dollie

[DestroyMe]

not mad :p kinda amused that everytime I light a cig it only lights on one side though XD
and you're not wrong, not at all...didn't I tell you once we have the same thought process?
you made my eyes leak with happy tears and yes, I'm blushing
I love you. <3

[Delirium.]

Some days I think the sky is falling, then i realize it's only rain..

I held you close to me, my heart in my throat and my stomach on the floor. You raised your eyes to me, the one I adored. You smiled so serenely as if you had been here before, you ask where are we going. I tell you to the store. I lied, oh how I lied. You took my hand and we walked taking a wrong turn, Would you notice? How my soul burned. We walked into the cemetery between old stones and withered buildings. Time faded into near rubble we passed many before we came to a small unmarked plot. You look at me, hand in hand. This isn't a store you say and I laugh. Of course it isn't I secretly slip a ring onto your finger and you move your hand assuming it was just an affectionate gesture, which it was. when you notice it and I lower down to a knee and look up into your eyes, yes we are meant to be. Be mine forever? I'd ask solemnly. A single tear fell from your eye and a smile breached your face and curved it into beautiful lines that lit up your eyes...

But then i awoke. what horrible timing for a dream to slip away.

[crazykat]

Beautifully written

[DestroyMe]

you read this to me on the phone ^_^
and of course you already know my answer to that particular question that you haven't asked yet :p
-smiles-

[risenfromperdition]

awww you two are so bloody adorable o_O
=]

[Delirium.]

i watch her take another handful of pills. Comes out stumbling twenty minutes later. Watch her trip over herself and fall into the door frame "get ready for school." "Mom, its Saturday and it's 3am. and i graduated." She looks at me her eyes unfocused and half dressed "it is?" "yeah mother go back to bed" A big crash and me and my brother pick her up from her bedroom floor and put her into her bed. "You're a big woman you have to stop this..."

Do you know how hard it is to still be a kid and need to pick your OD'd mother off the FECKING FLOOR?! do you?

I'm watching her kill herself, yet when i OD she tells me to quit being stupid. Because you know mother i don't really want to die. I didn't intentionally take a full bottle of vicodin. i didn't cut the veins from my arms and I didn't wrap the rope around my neck, no.

I'm stupid?! look at yourself
look in the motherfecking mirror. do you like what you see? DO YOU EVEN FECKING SEE YOURSELF? you tell us what we need to do, but we know you're the one who has no idea what's going on.

Tell me mother do you know i'm not 14 anymore? You told me the day you gave me pain medicine for my tooth not to cut myself, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FECKING IDEA THAT I STOPPED CUTTING WHEN I WAS 14 because you've never even looked, or bothered to notice.

Would you know to be proud of me? For getting my GED, and passing with the highest scores of anyone whose taken the test that day? To be proud of me for stopping my SI, for learning that i wasn't a good person and for changing who I am for the better? DO YOU EVEN FECKING SEE ME?

you tell me you care and you miss me but you put me on the streets, you in a drug induced coma put dad in jail. YOU ARE THE REASON I WANT TO DIE MORE THEN ANYTHING

but if i tell you that you yell at me, call em ingrateful. tell me i'm just a little bastard and it's my fault my fault NOT YOURS. because you can justify your actions. no i have no reason at all for wanting to die.

BECAUSE IVE ALWAYS BEEN ALONE.

do you know what thats like mother?

to be completely alone?

I lost everything I ever cared about, my brother, my sisters, my small broken family. My home, my friends, and any chance I had at a decent life because YOU DIDN'T TEACH ME ANYTHING. you lay in bed, as you have since I was 9 motherfecking years old. NINE YEARS OLD. I've been picking up after you, picking you up off the fecking floor. BUT WHEN I'M ON THE FLOOR YOU TELL ME TO GET UP AND QUIT BEING STUPID BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PISS.

Does that seem right to you?

I watched you you know, i watched you fall down this hole. start with the surgerys and pills, and you say well you go through 11 surgerys and tell me how you feel. YOU NEVER EVEN NEEDED THEM IT WAS BY YOUR OWN FECKING CHOICE. And it's killing you.

It's killing me.

I have no place to call home. There is no-one i call fecking family because of you. BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FAMILY IS,.

Tell me mother did you know my first hug wasn't until I was 14? The same year I stopped cutting? DID YOU KNOW I SPEND ALL MY TIME ALONE STILL BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO BE SOCIAL?!

Because i'm so afraid that I'll lose everything. JUST LIKE I LOST YOU.

When you took me in from living in an orphanage in england i thought i'd finally have a family, be happy, have a home.

YOU DESTROYED THAT?!

ARE YOU FECKING PROUD OF YOURSELF?

I will sit here. I will never tell you these things because you don't fecking care and you never did, and you never will.

Because it isn't your fault, is it mother?

It isn't your fault that i'm dying, that i'm alone, that I live with people i barely know. That i'm lucky to even know what love and affection is, That i'm gay, suicidal, a loner, that i'm goth, that I don't know what real family is, that I have to keep picking you up off the floor because your too ****ed up to even know what day it is. No it isn't your fault. AND I KNOW WHEN I'M GONE YOU MAY NOT EVEN NOTICE.

I hope the pills take away your pain.

I really do.

AND I REALLY HOPE YOU FECKING OD AND DIE YOU ****ING FAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF **** YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE EVEN HAD KIDS BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER BE A PARENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're not even hardly human.

C- U - N- T.

Die.

[Delirium.]

Somedays my memories grant me no solace and i find myself digging deeper into the old dusty boxes in the back of my head. Sometimes I find it tragic to live in so much despair, but what other path can take me forward, but to look back and learn on all that I have done?

We wander the darkened streets,shadows kissing as the streetlights roll past. The ground beneath us swaying and our grip on reality fading. Simple quiet words thrown to the wind, whispers of darker secrets, things we only remember in our dreams.

I recall wanting to take you there, to my dreams with me and wondering if you would follow. Just for awhile though, somethings I fear would burn. Lessons learned you stumbled into the grand scheme of it all. A smile before the fall. Before the fall I'd be in your arms, but perhaps only in dreams.

Letters of savagery and eloquence keep bring you back to the fray. Would you know I pour my soul onto those desolate pages? The ink runs red down different stages. Somedays you can't help but notice how fast we dive towards the center only to barely keep our heads afloat.

I see you now, as we sit side by side next to the river. Your watching the ripples as stones hit the water, languid and slow. You look to me with your bright eyes and said, you feel more like home.

We would roam the darkest reaches of the city in search of something new, You were looking for me, but I regress I was searching for me too. The old stlyes in which you dressed attracted my eyes and put me at rest.I am not alone, and you feel more like home.

My heart exploded from my chest, right into your open hands. I'm really sorry for the mess. The sun slips over the trees and we fade like the shadows of night back into our dorms. Solitary I awaken to find you joined me in my dreams. How divine, that you'd allow me to call you mine.

Somedays the words are like daggers and strike hard, and others slide right through. Just depends on the sharpness. The vivid rippling contour and just how far it drags me in.
So I close this box and set it back against the wall.
Wander back to myself and shut out the darker vaults.
Today will be a better day..

[DestroyMe]

-hug-

[Delirium.]

two hundred, thirty six days, seven hours and five minutes.

"How do you say goodbye so easily? You seem so undisturbed and focused, it almost seems like you never cared at all." I turn my gaze to look at you, how could you think I never cared? "It's just easier not to feel anything. Everything dies someday. Just need to accept that, and live for today." You look away from me, the tears staining your cheeks "I only wish I had your strength" In truth I never wanted this, to feel numb when I need to feel pain. "I wish you did too." i look back over towards the casket as it is lifted and carried away, another friend to bury. Another open grave.

We sit side by side in the car and your hand finds it's way to mine and I catch your eye "Promise me i'll never have to say goodbye?" I want to promise but I know it would be a lie "i can't, someday everything dies.." You turn from me and sigh but grip tighter onto my hand "Then promise you'll never say goodbye to me, only see you later, goodbyes are for forever." I run my thumb across your knuckles and lean my head back against the seat "I promise."

There's no easy way to avoid the things that come.
But some steps you just need guidance and we make it through.
Guide me home. Straight back to you.

[Delirium.]

Did you feel that? curious we never noticed before. The slam of black into my world. One moment i'm there and the next I'm gone. Explosion, we must have blocked something way inside we can't even remember. Hatred,Anger,Fury,Sorrow,Regret, and total destruction in one second. But then i'm suddenly calm sitting there. Did you feel that? The ripping of my soul into two as I fade and the monster ebbs his shadowy rippling blades through.
We're shaking, and we meant to tell we don't know what happens then i'm pretty sure it wasn't anyplace you would ever want to see.

I took my journal from the top of the dresser and threw it idley to the bed, then threw a pencil without looking. I sat down and gazed at the book which opened when it landed, the pencil in a perfect diagonal across the page. Stranger the page it landed on. We read the entry with a raised eyebrow, afraid to look to the other page because we knew what it said.

The pencil landed on what read "Sadistically I plot to cause them enough pain to equal my own.

I picked up the pencil and wrote below 'felt it rip through my bones like daggers slowly lulling me to sleep. The touch of an old lover And my hate filled pained love comes true again, my heroin.e.

Today reminds me a bit of this.

How sad to look upon your face when you could read the smothered disappointment. My eyes hard and empty and you tapped somewhere beneath. You caught my own and I caught your walls. You couldn't escape me not this time. You tried to flee but I caught you. 'I wish you'd just talk to me, you know I would never force you to do anything.' Panic fills your eyes and you stiffen like you're going to run and the look in your eyes tells me what I needed to know. I release you and you move and as you walked away I whispered

You asked me for help. You're waving your sign in front of my face and I heard it loud and clear but you push me away every time I try.
I don't think you mean to do it, and if you do I've noticed. I sit in the hall outside your door and wait for you to come out. Music blaring and I hear the tears pattering your jeans. I want to enter but don't want to cause you..

Any extra pain. I stand and lean against the outer frame my back against the wall and daze. What to do. what to do. I know you wanted me to follow but I don't want to intrude on your

Moment of reuniting with the oldest of lovers however this

Moment of hesitation reminded me of what you're doing. I touch the door and I slide a jimmykey* into the lock and it opens freely. You're sitting crouched on the floor. I turn down the music next to me and look towards the back wall, 'do you want me to help?'

I'm sitting back just thinking when i realize these memories are not the best. I'm laughing though perhaps if you understood.

You looked up at me with a tiny smile and stood beside me, but you never said a word. You walked out of the room then and I sat against the bed. Confused and you returned laughing. I told you i'd test the theory.

Dreams...pieces fitting together through fabrics of memory stored in the back of my mind. She's not that strategic- K.

[Delirium.]

I don't know what your doing but I feel it, I know you're not sleeping. Because i've been turning since 8 trying to fall back asleep. I'm only restless when somethings afoul.

I walk outside and it rains, right down the road its sunny and bright. But right above my head rain. Dark bubbles blossom swaying about. My girl, My girl don't lie to me, tell me where did you sleep last night?

Because from the looks of things it was somewhere near the brink of hell.

My hands play melodies only deaf can you hear it. The songs reverberating through the tune of it. The monster we feel rising within, but we stopped speaking long ago. Would they know what I was saying? No, of course not.

My song pleas to be alone, for someone to help, some way to clear this before it spreads. But then someone touches me. Now it takes even less than a touch. I'm sitting alone, but I sign quickly before losing to the monster's grip. I am back in an instant, apparently unmoved. Still alone in the room. I wonder if there was any indiscriminate change, someway to tell. It had taken over and I was somewhere beneath.

I slip away to peace instead, gentle calm to quell my shaking hands. Sign hello and lean against the wall thinking back. The last time this happened was much worse then now, in a time when I never came back to peace.

To be continued...

[DestroyMe]

I hate cliff hangers..>.<
you should finish that :p

[Delirium.]

I sat against the wall watching her light her pipe, smoke curling around her face and she looked at me with tainted innocence in her eyes. I felt it quaking beneath my skin but it hadn't surfaced yet. She came across the room and leaned in for a kiss. Her hand cold against my neck and her strength pushing against my own. I move farther in and she backs away still holding me to her. I go to pull away and she persists with force. That is when I felt it break out. For how long I have no idea.

I am laying beside her and she wraps her arm around my waist and I watch the signatures on the wall spin. Look down to her face and notice her eye is bruising. Welted, carved, scarred and beaten. Still she sleeps peacefully beside. She tells me they are from me...and she loves it.

I recoil and try to reign it in because I know it's capacity for damage.

It gets worse. Over the next two years. This monster within. Bursting at my seams and I can only control when the ground returns to me. I leave quite suddenly then, when I realized it only came for her.

It only went after the ones I love most.

I returned to her side years later. The monster tight under lock and key. But she wanted a bite or two from it, and I refused to forfeit the key to it's chamber. She turned a cold eye to me.no longer the person she loved, just a shell of what I used to be.

I'm not sorry.

I walk for several miles and I feel it clawing at me. Just to let me walk away again. It rose up like wildfire and tore me away again. returned me home and I hadn't heard from it again.

Building slowly, just waiting and biding it's time until the time came again for it to arise.

_____But why now?
Surely it is because I love more now then i had before. It waited so long for me to know I'd never walk away this time no matter what. This anger, pure hatred I had hidden within had boiled to the surface releasing the monster I trapped within.
We sit against the porch thinking back on these days.
Knowing this monster of ours.

Is not our friend. And I am sorry you are going to deal with this.

Sitting around watching the tragic walls I remember, everything I had wished to forget. It starts with the fall.