As others have said there's no guarantee she is pregnant with his child. When did she decide to tell him? If this coincides with the time he broke it off with her, there's a huge chance she is just playing mind games in a desperate attempt to stay in his life. I know that if the news is true then it will shift the goal posts dramatically, but so far it seems totally unsubstantiated.
Play the game out
Amor Vincit Omnia
Dad 10/11/2008 Always our sunshine, I'm still playing for the town hall clock
First, yes she is definately pregnant. He forced her to make a Dr's appointment and went with her. Funnily enough, up until then he didn't believe her either. Second, it's looking like she won't get rid of it.
He doesn't know if it's his, but she says it is. We have no choice right now but to go with that as true.
I'm destroyed all over again.
He is distraught. And when I say that, I mean I have never in 4 years seen him like this. He did 'man-up' and came and told me straight away. He fell apart in my arms, I fell apart in his. He stayed all weekend.
He just kept saying "Tell me what I have to do to make this right. Tell me how to fix it. I was so close to making this ok. I was going to do whatever it took for you to take me back. I love you, I love you so much"
And now, I don't know if I can do this.
He's right, we were SO close to this being normal. I was so looking forward to this weekend, he was going to surprise me with a picnic by the river.
He had planned things to prove himself.
Now it's all crushed again.
What DO I say to him? What DO we have to do to make this right?
I don't know if I can do this.
She knows he won't walk away from his child, she has him right where she ****ing wants him and there is nothing we can do about it.
I want to talk to her, to tell her she is taking everything I have fought so hard for away from me. She is ruining my marriage and believe me, he knows he did this. But now? This is her. And we're ****ed.
Oh, and she just reciever her British Passport. She is going nowhere.
What the **** do we do now...
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
there's no reason why he can't be in a successful marriage with you and see his child. joint custody i can see could be awkward as that would involve you where i'm guessing you;d rather not be involved, but there are plenty of people married to one person with kids from previous relationships etc where the children aren't related to their spouse.
give counselling a go. you have nothing to lose. even if you do end up calling it a day, you have tried and the counselling could help you to prepare for that evenutality too.
he has no reason to even see her until she has the baby and then only to arrange access and financial support and could all be done through solicitors if needs be, children could be picked up at a neutral place where she isnt, it's workable..incovenient yes, but workable.
don't let this ruin what you both obviously want.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I agree. If you really want to get back with him, don't let this ruin it. Obviously require a paternity test. But even if it is his, it is workable. He can either just pay child support and have her take care of the baby or they can have joint custody. It's up to you whether you think you can handle having a baby involved.
Owh Izzy, I'm so sorry to read/hear all of this. I think you really need to sit down and work it all through in your head - maybe just write everything down logically, every possible situation and avenue that could occur from this, and which way you want to go. Your head must be spinning at the moment so maybe writing it down and setting it out would help?
I think you're an incredibly strong lady, from how you're acting with this to others of your posts I've read in the past, and I know that you can get through this, even if you're not sure how to at the moment.
I'm a strong believer [sadly] in love conquering the bad things and in a way despite how hard this situation must be for you, I believe it's possible here too, if you believe it/want it to be so.
I'm really sorry I don't have much advice, but do take care of yourself darling, you deserve to. xx
"Be nice. Think happy thoughts. Champion silver linings. Love all things (not just cute things like babies and kittens) & when you do love - love like they do in power ballads (you know like on a cliff with the wind in your hair and your eyes shut, knowing you'll never know love like this). Watch out for dog poo. Smile at people - even grumpy ones. Remember anything is possible & whatever you do always try to look on the bright side."
i've never spoken to you but i've been following this (in a completely non creepy way!) & i just wanted to say that i think you're incredibly strong trying to work through this. & really, do what your heart says. that's pretty much the only advice i can offer.
i hope you're taking care of yourself and leaning on your family & friends for support, as well as here. take care xo
Thanks guys. I'm kinda having to stay strong. If I don't I won't make it through a day without falling to pieces! Sometimes I still do, but my job is hectic so I get to think about other things for at least a few hours a day.
Writing this down is a good idea. Because everything always seems to be so jumbled. It's like I get one clear thought and it's suddenly matched with ten messy ones. I've been confused before by my emotions and my feelings towards something, but this is immense! (emmense? SP).
I've never felt so overwhelmed by one thing in my life. I've been through some horrid things in my short life, but this takes the crown AND the biscuits!
He is with her now, hopefully (God I hope like I've never hioped for anything before) trying to convince her to terminate this problem. Now I KNOW people have strong and different opinions on this but right now this is a collection of cells they have unfortunately created out of something horrible. I would NEVER in a million years talk down something as difficult and painful as abortion. But I hope you all see where I'm coming from.
This is nothing to me, it means nothing to me. And right now I want it not to be real, not to exist and never to be born.
I feel horrendous even thinking this, let alone typing it.
But this woman is ruining my life. Believe me, I know that he did this to me. And I have and will continue to tell him that for a while.
He is hurting, devestated, distraught and angry at himself and her.
Put he could have prevented all of it so I am relying on him to give it his best shot at sorting it out.
The problem is, if she doesn't have a termination he will not be able to walk away from his child. He has always believed he was put here to have children, they are all he as ever wanted and he will be an incredible father.
But he is horrified at the thought of having it with her.
And I lose the chance for my firstborn to be his too. And that is killing me.
What happens down the line is unforseen (someone hurry up with that time machine idea!) but right now, could I watch him go to classes? Could I see him go and visit his child and be near her? Could I watch my Husbands child grow up when it isn't mine? I don't know those answers yet.
I do know you're all right, I love him incredibly and he I.
But is that enough?
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
Iz, I really believe that love can overcome anything, especially if it is as strong as the love you both have for each other. Don't be afraid to have days where you just crumble, it's a natural (if horrid) part of the recovery process.
If she does decide not to terminate, then there are lots of decisions you two need to make. Although he wants to be there for his child, it doesn't automatically mean he has to be there for her. Don't apologise for feeling the way you feel, what you are going through is unimaginable.
Through this whole, awful business, you've been amazingly strong and courageous. You've also been so forgiving, but you must, please consider yourself first. Take your time and consider what you want.
Sending you hugs
Ginny x
Play the game out
Amor Vincit Omnia
Dad 10/11/2008 Always our sunshine, I'm still playing for the town hall clock
Hey sweetheart... weeeeell... this sucks! you poor thing!
But I do have some small advice! Go to a lawyer straight up. Get legal documents for child support. he does not have to see her to spend time with his child. My cousin in melbourne is having problems with his ex and getting access to his children. So he had a lawyer draw up documents, when she refused to abide, he took her to court and now she has no choice. He also doesn't see her, his kids get dropped off at his mothers and then he picks them up from there. If I were you I would do that. Get it written, signed and agreed before the kid is even born (if she keeps it). Also, I know you think he should be sorting this out all on his own now, but if I were you, I would start going with him, when he sees her. If she is going to use that time and the baby to get her claws back into him, if you're there, she can't. Be there. You don't have to speak to her, you can just be quiet. But there are alot of tricks she wont do if you're with him. Present a united front to her so that she doesn't think that she has a chance.
*cuddles you tightly*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
i agree. make sure she can't use the baby to get back with him. you can get through this. it's up to you of course, you have every right to leave. but if you choose to stay it doesn't mean he has to see her, at least not often. he can still be in the kid's life and have very little contact with her.
I'm in Poland visiting my Dad, and family plus he had a new baby so I'm meeting my newest sister for the first time.
Can I focus? Can I ****.
I hate to say it, but I want this baby to go the **** away. She CANNOT have what is mine. And she cannot have this baby.
He went to see her yesterday and said she is teetering. Said everyone she knows is telling her she can't have it. Including her best friend and her ex-husband! He went to see her this morning to look for clinics. Private abortion clinics. Said he will pay for it, he will take control of all of it and take it all off her shoulders. But now he is getting guilty feelings.
I told him he has to be sure this is what he wants. I'm not doing all of this for him to regret a single second. And unless he has asked me what I want, i have not told him what to do with regards to this baby. Never would, never could. Just that we have a much better chance of making this all right if it goes away. At the end of the day it's a 5 week old pregnancy, a collection of cells he feels no real ties too. So it's down to him.
He turned up yesterday and the blond woman had dyed her hair red.
Ring any bells...? This woman is seriously messed up and I'm thousands of miles away letting him talk to her and visit her.
At the end of the day he has to deal with this and I have to trust him to do the right thing. He started off being awful to her, now he has to try and be nice because being awful made her want to spite him, by having this baby.
Do you know how hard it is to trust him right now?
So far away?
Well maybe you don't, but I have to.
He has to do the right thing once and for all and if he doesn't then he isn't worth a dime.
Love Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
Oh Iz...im so sorry this juts seems to keep getting worse for you both.
He does love you, just keep reminding yourself that, i know how hard it must be.
And to be trusting, being so far away....oh babes, wish i had words to make this even a little better.
thinking of you lots
love ya
(ps...watch your mail in th enext bit)
& pretty much the same thing happened with my longterm boy & i told him we couldn't move forward until he told the harlot to back off & he too said he just didn't want to see her instead of "i love my wife/girlfriend & i want to be with her".
but this is such a devastating blow to find out the tart is pregnant & i hope you two can work through this. i really do.
I just wanted to add my apologies. It's not nice being cheated on at all ):. It's kind of evil to be honest. Did this woman know your husband was married?
You must hate her?
My dad cheated on my mum, when she was pregnant with twins. (She lost them due to stress). He came out and told her. BUT, they are so much stronger since and he has matured and changed alot, for the best.
I'm so sorry for what's happened to you.
x
thank you, Lily, for saving mummy's life*.
You are my one and only, you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, and you'll be alright.
