I am just mentally and physically exhausted. Which makes doing anything helpful that bit harder. Still I am trying. Person on crisis line was one I hadn't talked to before so I had to fill her in on the really rough few months I have had and she said I was a trooper for keeping going with all that going on. Not sure how I feel about that, know she meant well and was trying to validate how tough things have clearly been for me. But to me it's quite black and white either I keep trying things or I give up and kill myself. And I decided back in November to try everything I could before resorting to suicide. That and I am really not physically capable of killing myself right now so it's kind of off the cards even from an idealation point of view.
I hope my asthma behaves too but not super confident.
CMHT wise it should just be a few bits as most of it will get discussed at assessment on 5th January I expect.
Sleep isn't the best because of the steroids,, cant sleep.past 8am and struggling to nap I am on 30mg until Christmas Day then stepping down 10mg a week. Think I got to sleep by midnight or so last night though.
Mentally haven't really stopped long enough to find out. Have a friend coming to visit shortly. Should be good to see him and catch up.
I am rubbish about giving myself credit. I think it's partly because I have achieved even more despite being ill in the past. Like last time my asthma and mental health was bad in my early twenties I still managed to study civil engineering at uni and get a 2:1 while looking after myself living in shared accomodation and having 4 or 5 hospital admissions for asthma. And yes I didn't have FND then but still I have always been stubborn and pushed through and it sucks I cant push as hard as I used to.
Mind you FND is partly my body's way of saying everything got too much and we had to stop
Last edited by long road : 20-12-2023 at 12:25 PM.
I can understand finding it hard to give yourself credit, it's a tough one. I'll just hold awe of you then until you can be kinder to yourself! Hope you enjoy seeing your friend.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Well ended up having to call another ambulance, they gave me Salbutamol nebuliser on top of having taken my at home nebuliser and that mostly cleared up my chest. I really wanted to stay home but they persuaded me to come in as there was a reasonable chance I could relapse, so they wanted me under observation.
I asked if we could try AmU rather than A&E and they said that would be ok as I stabilised and I managed to get into SDEC. Another night of waiting around in hospital and missing dinner but at least it's less stressful than A&E. Hopefully I can avoid being readmitted to hospital. Have had one dissociative seizure since I got here on the ambulance stretcher but not since I got settled in the waiting room.
The RNA I considered making a complaint about was here but I think she has finished now. Glad I didn't make a complaint as that would have been even more awkward than the interaction where she took bloods was.
Me too. Find it really hard to believe that it will be ok though. Feel like an asthma attack is going to happen at some point the only question is how bad of one.
I am anxious about further attacks and feeling down and frustrated. It's all too much to handle and I can't say when / if it will get better.
I just wanted to send you some good thoughts. I can't imagine what you're going through and I'm so sorry things are so difficult. I hope you get some respite and helpful answers soon, and at the very least some decent mental health support.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Thanks Lio and Lindsay. It all feels impossible hard and too much to cope with and unfair.
Hopefully assessment on 5th January will lead to some proper mental health support. Maybe the EMDR to dela with traumatic hospital memories and so make the fact I have to go to hospital for asthma less difficult.
I am feeling a bit scared I will just be told I am not ill enough for help again like in 2019. Even though now is worse than then. Because I have been getting less self harm / suicidal thoughts and have been managing them better than a month or two ago and needing to call first response less.
At this point I just hope I am well enough to talk for the whole online appointment. Asthma is still very much a problem although I have stayed out of hospital since Christmas Eve. I had a shower today and it took so much out of me. Feeling short of breath and exhausted.
Will you be attending the appointment by yourself? I know you don't always share everything MH-wise with your partner but have you considered letting him in so that he can advocate for you and also take some of the talking-burden off you?
I generally attend mental health appointments by myself as I am less likely to censor or downplay symptoms if it is just me and professional. Partner knows a hell of a lot more than he used to. But exact details of things like when I last self harmed or the suicide plan I had in November he doesn't know and I would likely play down self harm/ suicidal thoughts if he was there. It's the bit I am not honest about because I know how me hurting myself hurts him.
He does come to my regular medical appointments now though and helps advocate and stops me forgetting things / points out when I am under playing symptoms. Also acts as another pair of ears to help me remember things. Sometimes I feel he takes control a bit too much but we are working ok finding the right balance. Appointment is online so will be doing it from home, might see how it goes and ask assessor if he can come in for part of it. His perspective on dissociative bit could be good.
That's really understandable, Jen. I'm sorry you're worrying so much, I think I would be too. It can be hard to get the help you need. I really hope it goes well. I see you have prepared some points, are you going to write them down so you can communicate them all?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I wrote some down in my RV about how I think they might be able to help / bits I want help with. Abbreviated version of list is:
- Support to stop Self Harm again
- Planning how to use distress tolerance / coping skills I have in crisis moments. Just because I know lots doesn't mean I always implement them successfully.
- Working out how to balance what is good for my mental health with my physical limitiations / how to deal with the frustration at limitations.
- EMDR for medical trauma to help make hospital less scary /traumatic.
- review intrusive thoughts/voices
I guess I also need a list of what it is important to tell them symptoms wise:
- Frequency of self harm, how desperate I can get searching for tools etc.
- Suicidal thoughts, November Suicide plan, ideas about other methods.
- Dissociation more frequent. Tied to seizures but also seperate.Episode where I ended up in the park.
- Flashbacks. Including emotional, intrusive memories and full. Getting scared / feeling unsafe.
- Intrusive thoughts / voices / whatever they are were worse but now increased Olanzapine seems to have quietened them down experiencing them less.
Don't know. Guess I could look at list on my phone as it's an online video appointment.
I also have to do my PIP review form but I dont really have the energy for it and asthma is playing up again. Might try and start tomorrow. My extension is until 12th January.
