Jo, I replied to your PM :) I'd crashed.. I hope you're alright.
I feel kind of flattered to be honest, thanks for looking after me and checking up on me guys.
I'm feeling surprisingly ok now. Am drinking again but I figure if I've ever been allowed a slip-up it's now so I'm trying not to think too much about it or I'll spiral...
Love you all! And Naty that does sound like a good idea :) I've done that before, it gives a better picture of your thoughts/ feelings than trying to put it into words in a letter x
I'm not gonna be much help, but im here if you need me <3
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
****ing dirty bitch though dotn spose youre around ny more hop you got some sleep
if it was anyone else then people would look after them their friends and stuff but cos its me i just get ignored well i dotn theres someone in real life who tries to looik after me but shes as awkward as i am i dont dont have a ****ing clue what to say
keep switching not even me most of the time
feel so ridiculous how am i meant to act can someone just telol me!!
it feels like its all a dream cos if what happened yesterday happened to anyome else then stuff would have happened
but its me so it doesnt count its just another reason in a long line of reasonswhy im impossible to be friends with
kirsty said i was getting better in a short time and she was proud of me
and now ive ruined it
because i have to be a dirty whore i dont know how else to be
im NOT drty whore i refuse to be!
it depends how to count it.
consensial brings it down to 4 guys. well 1 of them didnt even have sex with me he just thought he did coshe was drunk and stupid and inexperienced. 1 guy i stopped and i ran away so that doesnt count not REALLY.
then you cut out the ones who were doing something ILLEGAL
then youve got two
and im nearly twenty and one of them is my on-off boyfreiend of nearly 2 years
so thats only 1 thing that could even be called slutty
but even with that
dunno
just feel bad
this will never stop happening
1 person stops doing it another will start
its how things are
right?
kj help im really strrugglin
what if i dont deserve to live and i try to tell myself that everyone especially on RYL believes that at one point or another but cant shake the feeling cos its my fault
think its finally sinking in
someting happenened on friday
not gonna go away
not just something
everything cos what my life has turned into so i cant turn my back on it
police wont help me
back to the old ideas patrick used to talk about back when i mattered to him. we planned it out, how to kill him, how easy it would be because he doesnt expect me to fight back.
cant stop thionking about them
i knew the exact place as well
how easy it would actually be
if i could set a trap
he'd come
but
i dont want to
dont want to be that person
rest of my life in and out of prison with my family refusing to look at me
ANYONE refusing to look at me
god, jehovah whoever refusing to look at me
then im in hell for murder
but thats not even scary to me
id risk it
whatever
but i dont want to BE THAT PERSON
what if idont have a choice
im morelikely to commit murder than to do it through the right channels
and i dont give a flying hootananny
and thats bad
right?
uhoh screamed at famly
decision:
1) go down, apologise when im not sorry, be made to tidy room, be told am work-shy freeloader. spend time drinking, crying and shrieking more at family.
2) go to friend's flat, was invited, might not be any more? not certain. hide there for a week, travelling for 3 hours to get to appointments need to keep. spend time drinking and crying.
I'd do a mixture, maybe go apologise to the family (even if you dont mean it) and tell them your going to a friends for a while to avoid more confronations as it doesn't help, then go to your friends
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
