Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

First: *hugs Laura & Kat* Thanks to both of you.

Physical stuff:

Chest/cough: The final diagnosis was pneumonia.
Cold intolerance: Still there, but really only becoming an issue again now ...
Shoulder: Ouch.

I started antibiotics for the pneumonia on Thursday night. To be perfectly honest I felt okay before the antibiotics kicked in. Then I crashed for two days. I'm starting to feel less like I've been hit by a bus now. I have a GP appointment tomorrow to see how things are going. Also, have completed a complaint against the physio "treating" me from Pain Management. And, going to talk to the GP tomorrow about some stronger pain killers as the patches didn't stick. Also have to mention the BP - more for his sake then mine.

Uni:

My studies have been disrupted by the pneumonia with me sitting here with no more done on the assignment and no more uni work done. I'm hoping that I'll be feeling a bit better and able to do more this week. I'm only on Day 4 of the antibiotics so it's still fairly early in the treatment and I'm feeling better already than yesterday, so there's hope I'll be able to get some study done.

Also, I've enrolled in 2 subjects for the next Study Period (which begins Nov 29). Which makes me a full-time student for that SP. At least one of the subjects has an IT feel which should make me feel a bit better, but the other one is the second subject for my Minor.

I still have to find $200 for the Course Registration and 2 Credit Transfers. Meh. Oh, and my exam is on the 3rd of December at the local university. Woot. Actually I'm a bit excited about it. I just hope that my family don't want to do anything that day for my dads birthday (the next day).

Life:

... still goes on. Exactly the same as it was. The brain doesn't seem to want to play nicely. It's even sending me lucid nightmares warning me I'm going to have lucid nightmares!! Not to mention deja vu's of deja vu's. <- Those are seriously freaky and really interrupt movie watching. I keep finding myself wondering if my brain has been set adrift in time ...

Oh, and I have another personality to add to the collection. That's 5 now. Thankfully I don't switch all that often and my "firewalls" as my psychiatrist refers to them, are fairly good, otherwise it could get confusing.

Now, I think I want to sleep again ... I did walk down to the shops today ...

[Kahlia1981]

Well yesterday I made my 26 Months SI Free milestone. As a reward I ordered myself the five books in Isaac Asimov's Foundation series.

My physical health is getting a bit better. I'm now half way through the antibiotics and today I feel so much better. No longer feeling like I've been hit by a bus or anthing like that. Way more human and I'm finally able to concentrate again.

I've even been able to concentrate on my uni work a bit and done a bit of work on my assignment. I've also ordered one of my textbooks for next study period.

Things are moving on slowly but steadily ... except for my stupid brain telling me I'd be better off dead - and now that we have all but two items I need for my suicide plan in the house it's getting worse. *sigh*

I guess I just have to get through day by day and hopefully it will improve.

[Kahlia1981]

I did something stupid the other day ... I started to put my suicide plan into action. Luckily it's not an immediate type suicide plan but a start-to-get-my-stuff type plan but still. It was kind of weird. I mean I've had the plan and the thoughts for ages and didn't think too much of it until we had to get a certain item for the house. Then (that item is part of my plan) it was like my brain got a green light for getting the rest of it because all of a sudden everything else has been organised or the process of getting it has been organised. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know if I can stop this madness. I mean, logically when the stuff gets here I can just get rid of it, but ... I don't understand why this is happening.

Sorry, just so confused right now and I didn't sleep last night which probably isn't helping.

[Kahlia1981]

All the stuff I need for my suicide plan is now in my house .... I don't know what to do. Well that's not quite true. Logically I know I need to get rid of it, or talk with my housemate to get him to get rid of it if I can't, but I can't seem to be able to do either of those two things. And I don't know why.

The problem is that I can just keep getting this stuff at absolutely no cost with no-one even raising an eyebrow so I need to stop myself here and now but I have no idea how to.

It sounds so stupid but I am totally lost on this one. All I want to do right now is scream or run away from myself - but that's a lost cause because i'll always be with me.

*sigh*

[Kahlia1981]

Things are going further downhill with me now.

I saw my GP yesterday and was 100% honest with them. As a result he wanted me to present to hospital with a view to admission to the psych ward. I told him flat out that admission was not an option so he has arranged for me to have an appointment with a psychologist on Friday. I have to admit that I'm really not looking forward to that either ... The appointment is with a psychologist who broke the rules and pushed some boundaries with me the last few times he saw me.

Anyway, aside from getting me an appointment with the psych, the GP is seeing me again on Friday after I've seen the psych. I think he's a bit concerned.

I emailed my psychiatrist but he basically told me to get in touch with CATT and keep the hospital as an option. He still thinks that the pneumonia is the cause of all my psych problems and that they'll just disappear in the next few days. Since they don't seem to be showing any signs at all of abating I have to admit that I'm not at all convinced.

I emailed my psychiatrist back this morning after reading his response stating that due to the fact that I want to stay alive neither contacting the CAT team nor involving the hospital is a viable option. I guess i'm on my own ... like always. I really need to move towns. This town is going to kill me if I stay here much longer.

And now, I'm terrified to leave the house. I can't even hang my washing or walk to the big bin to dump the household rubbish. I'm just such a stupid waste of space that I don't even know why I bother anymore.

Maybe I should just give in.

[Kahlia1981]

Saw a psychologist today. Took it really easy ... didn't get into, well, anything really.

Saw my GP a bit after that. Lied to him to keep myself out of hospital. Told him I didn't have a concrete suicide plan. Just didn't know what else to do.

Feelin so much like I am falling apart at the seams ... I don't know anymore.

But the good news is that this is "all going to be over by Monday". Why can't I bring myself to belive that ....

[Kahlia1981]

My housemate forced me to ring the CAT team last night. They told me to "watch a movie, drink warm milk and go to sleep". I'm not sure how that was supposed to help. Apparantly my "relapse prevention plan" was being followed. But nothing is helping. My housemate gave me the option of calling them or ringing an ambulance and going to hospital. I told him there was no point in going to hospital because they'd just send me back home. I'm not sure why I'm bothering ... seriously, I'm not. I'm starting to freak out all the time and the suicidal thoughts are there all the time now. I don't have anyone that I can talk to IRL and no crisis lines to call. No backup plan whatsoever. I'm lost and alone.

I also found out this morning that my singing teacher has had a stroke. She had a heart attack or stroke only a week or so ago and it really isn't helping my mental state. I'm starting to think that if I killed myself she, and everyone else, would have a happier and healthier life.

I just want to scream.

[crazykat]

*Cuddles* You need to be honest with those around you so they can support you. People around you will not be happier if you killed yourself. Ask yourself this would you be happier if your housemate killed himself? I am guessing not, so what makes you different. People care about you too. You are a fighter, you can get through this

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: You are correct. I know that logically, but I can't bring myself to tell him. It makes me feel like such a bad person ... I would hate to lose him to suicide - as a matter of fact I almost already have. And I know what losing someone to preventable suicide feels like and I don't want anyone else to go through that. I am jnust such a bad person. *cuddles up to you gently*

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place ...

Right now in the current situation I feel like I've let myself become such a menace to myself and practically destroyed every chance I have of keeping the peace in my household.

Logically I know that I should tell my housemate that I have all the stuff in the house for my suicide plan. I've lied to him twice in the last two days - telling him that I don't have what I need. I know that he can't help me if he doesn't know, but I'm scared he'll call an ambulance and send me to hospital. He's already said that if he calls an ambulance and I won't go with them he'll force them to take me by putting me under an EEO (Emergency Evaluation Order).

The good point about that is that I'll get "priority" treatment - i.e. be seen quicker than without it, have to be seen within 6 hours, and have to be seen by a psych registrar instead of a regular psych nurse/Intake and Assessment team nurse. The other good point is that if they don't admit me they have to arrange for me to get home including providing Taxi Vouchers or whatever. The bad points are that I will be forced to attend the hospital which will further increase my anxiety and there is a chance, however slim, that I will be admitted. And admission into a hospital that has attempted to kill me, and succeeded in killing several dozen people already this year is not going to help me to "remain calm and accept help"

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to go to the hospital because if they do admit me my life will be in danger because of the incompetence of the nursing staff and the on-staff psychiatrists and psych registrars. However; my life is in danger now because of me and whatever the hell is going on in my brain.

I'm scared ... I really am, in fact I'm downright terrified. I also don't want my housemate to get angry at me because I lied to him. I know that he will understand my motives for doing it, but I'm so highly strung right now that it might push me further over the edge and ... I just don't know. I know that I deserve him getting angry with him. I've abused his trust. It wouldn't surprise me if he searched my room looking for anything I could use against myself.

I feel so bad for lying to him. I didn't want to and the only reason I did was to keep out of hospital. I'm going to have to stand up like a man/woman and take the brunt of it by telling him the truth. But they I'm going to hate myself so much that it's going to make everything worse.

He deserves so much better than this. I feel like such a bad person, a bad friend and such a failure. I hope that hecan forgive me, although it's more than I deserve. I deserve to be cast into the deepest pit.

[Pomegranate]

You don't deserve to be cast into the deepest pit. Not at all. You deserve help and support. You are not a bad person- if you were then you wouldn't have a flatmate that cares so much. Hospital sounds scary but maybe it would be for the best, at least you will get the treatment you need, and I think want (at least partly) a lot more quickly. Don't give up Kahlia.

[crazykat]

Hun having these feelings does not make you a bad person, not in the slightest. You do need to tell someone, if not your flatmate your doctor. Would writing it down help or even printing off this thread? I know you don't want hospital but if you can't come up with another route of support or put a safety plan into place then maybe hospital is for the best. Keep fighting, you will get through this

[Kahlia1981]

I realised I needed help last night. Things got to a head and all I could think of was the stupid thing to do. I couldn't sleep, part of which might have been because my GP wanted to experiment with me taking my seroquel (XR) in the morning instead of the evening, and I'm sure that didn't help matters. So I rang the crisis line.

I was on hold with the suicide crisis line for over 2 hours before I hung up last night ... I tried to watch a show that always makes me laugh and it didn't even raise a smile from me. I thought about waking my housemate up but decided he needed his sleep as he had to be up early this morning. I thought of ringing the other crisis line, but it gets transfered through to the hospital after 9pm which is useless. The only good thing that came out of it was that I finally gave my housemate the dangerous stuff for my suicide plan this morning because I realised how close I came.

It's a sad case when you need someone IRL to talk to and there is just no-one there ...

[SoMuchMore]

*cuddles*

I'm really glad that you gave your housemate the dangerous stuff and that you realized you needed help. I'm sorry that the crisis line left you on hold for so long.

Can you talk to your housemate more about things? or tell any of your doctors about how serious things got? I know you haven't had the best of luck with medical professionals, which is disheartening, but you never know...

Thinking of you hun. Sorry i am so lousy at advice, but please try to hang in there. You are amazingly strong and can get through this.

[crazykat]

Well done for giving your housemate the stuff am proud of you hun. Also it was great you were able to reach out even if you were out on hold. You could have gone through with your plan but you didn't. That shows a great amount of strength and shows that there is a small part of you that is still fighting, it is just a matter of making that part stronger. Perhaps it is worth talking to your doctor about what happened so you can have a plan put into place in case everything gets too much again. Hold on there hun. Take care
Kat xxx

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs Kat & Laura tightly* - Thank you both so very much.

Have you ever wanted to run away from something so badly that it made you cry? Has the thing that you wanted to run away from horrified you, terrified you, shamed you, filled you with fear, dread, disgust and made you feel that things or people like it should never have been born? Has that thing, that very same thing, you have wanted to run away from been you? - That's how I am at the moment. I want to run away from myself. I need to leave myself behind, to outrun my skin and just be pure wind. To leave behind everything that makes me "me". There is nothing inside me that is "good". I don't see how no-one else can see that. How can they look at this person and see anything worthwhile?

If there was a way to run away from myself I'm sure that I would take it right now. *sigh*

Despite the fact that everyone keeps telling me that I'm starting to look so much better and therefore must be feeling so much better, I feel as if I am crumbling to dust. I am just so hurt and depressed inside and feel like the entire inner shell is crumbling into nothingness. At least some people have the decency to add that I "might not feel perfectly better" but they always add the phrase "but surely you can't help but be feeling just a bit better". Actually no guys, I feel like ****. I'm still depressed. I don't always walk around looking at my feet when I'm depressed but that doesn't mean I'm not depressed. In addition, it doesn't mean I'm at less risk of committing suicide ... it just means that I've started to make plans. *sigh*

I guess that the best thing to come out of this whole experience is that my GP has realised the danger of the situation. He has also given me a psychologist who is under strict instructions on my care. The psychologist is (so far) playing fairly well. And my psychiatrist is going to work with me to complete an appropriate crisis intervention plan tomorrow instead of leaving things with the crisis team who can't understand that when someone is telling you on the telephone that they are suicidal, it's probably not the right time to tell them they need to avoid relapsing and drink warm milk.

I hate it when people start to second guess me.

Right now I can't sleep. I'm incredibly tired, in an unfamiliar house, it's raining outside, extremely depressed and stressed, frightened ... and I can't sleep.

So.damn.over.it.

[crazykat]

No words of wisdom but I am reading and thinking of you xxx

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs Kat* - Thanks hun

I wish I knew what it is with me at the moment. Right now I just feel ... so low that it would be easier to quit than to go on. I'm struggling just to type this. I'll probably end up deleting it because I should just stop complaining about my petty mood issues. *sigh*

I wish it all would just stop. I'm over everything.

[~Kaytee~]

*cuddles you tight* You are not complaining at all, let it all out hun. I don't have anything to say that would help, I really wish I did. Just take it easy today and if you need anything at all, PM me. I'll around all day if you need anything okay?

[crazykat]

Keep talking on here, it is important to let it out rather than bottle it up. You can get through this. Take care
Kat xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Katie & Kat: *big hugs* & thanks to both of you

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we put together (with the help of my housemate) a crisis plan. We talked about medications and psychotherapy and so forth and are basically keeping things the same until I see him in just under two weeks. He realises things are pretty bad right now and appreciates me being able to be honest with him about it. He also likes it that I'm able to email him to keep him informed and so forth if necessary.

Moodwise things aren't crash hot today. Still going on as I have been. I don't think that the weather is helping all that much ... It's been pretty much grey and rainy for the last few days with no likelihood of that changing in near foreseeable future. At least I got some decent sleep last night because if I'd had another night with little to no sleep it could have been extremely difficult today.

A good friend of mine is getting married this afternoon. I'm hoping that I'm going to cope okay at the wedding and reception. I'm extremely nervous already. My housemate assures me that I look okay in the dress I'm going to wear but ... I don't know. I think I'm just nervous because of the number of people and I don't know how many I will know.

*sigh*
I'm a freak