I'm Hannah, I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and OCD, but that's only the start of it really *sigh*. I've heard my Voice all my life and sometimes see things, the Voice tells me to SI and do all my OCD compulsions all the time otherwise something terrible will happen to those I love. I know this is true because one night I didn't do what the Voice told me to do, and my brothers were in a car crash the next day. They're ok now, but that's only cos I've obeyed since then.
I've only found out about dissociation recently. It makes sense. Sometimes I just freeze, I feel tiny and the world is closing in on me, I'm trapped, and the Voice won't let me move. I feel out of my body and everything feels fake. Eventually the Voice lets me escape as long as I SI or whatever. Things has happened more recently, but it's happened for years.
I also forget large chunks of time. I'll be there in the moment, but later I won't remember anything. Memories are just so vague in my head. I had a good childhood, but I barely remember any of it. I forget things all the time, I'm so clumsy because I'm often too much in my head, and although it's always been "scatty Hannah" I'm beginning to think that the amount that goes by forgotten probably isn't normal.
My Voice is getting stronger and stronger and I feel more and more like it's becoming a person. I used to be a musician, long story but that's the root of my depression, but this part of me is MM or Music Me and sometimes she walks next to me and we chat. The Voice doesn't have a name but it's very frightening. There's also another voice that's more calming but I don't hear her that often.
Do you think I'm just scatty and hearing voices or do you think this could be dissociation?
Glad to see that you are ok BB ( its Ella aka purple Goddess )
keep safe ...hope the next few days are easier on you all ..
Today has been hard ...my husband gave the little ones a easter egg
they asked do we have to do bad things ..they ate some of the egg but is waiting for the bad thing to happen they are so scared right now ....teens are really struggling ...we are trying to get through the rest of the day ok but am unsure how safe we really are right now
sorry i've not been around much, with a broken laptop and the time of year things have been hard.
havent been doing brilliantly- but have done ok, if that makes sense. things have been hard, but we've been switching internally if that makes sense. a lot of people have been about but all kind of hide behind this highly functional part whom all seem to be in contact with and imitates me well... so - i don't know its about protection of us and others- i don't know if any of that makes sense
spinning has interupted sleep like never before..i...we thought the spinning had calmed down, but i think its the time of year perhaps. waking up...coming round, knowing the spinning has been going on, or being taken over by it, surrounded by nausea and migranes... one gets used to hiding things.
we've hidden from the world from so long....behind this - i dunno..part? not really, well, yes , but it was induced. induced for their safety not ours.
its good to have sometimes.... other times its a bind. i hate having to hide... its not a choice. we hide. even from those we love and trust.
even the smallest things seem to make people retreat at the moment. things aren't easy, but at least we've not been found. at least here we are physically safe.
its the first time ever that no one has hurt the body at a time like this... at least not cutting etc.... smoking has gone through the roof though. some hate it, but they understand. plenty of gum, keeps everyone ok. smoke, put it out, grab the gum, take the taste away. its as respectful to each other as we can be at the moment, just try to get by.
its horrible. we felt more free when we could be out. things were socially disfunctional...but better for us. now.. we subtly switch. often un noticed in the pursuit of hiding....but its frustrating, we don't want to hide, but it makes us.
numbers, times, advert has tones just like them, tapping...turning...they did a good job of setting up as many 'every day' triggers as they could. a really good job.
feel more and more restricted. not really sure where we are at.
hoping you're all as ok as can be
not really sure what all of this achieves...writing this.. but
banana89/Hannah... sounds like you're in serious distress and i'm hoping you have good support around you. does your doctor know about these experiences? do you have local mental health people that you can call on? if none of these things have been done it would be uncomfortable but wise to make enquiries.. maybe go with someone you trust who might be able to talk on your behalf?
Lyssie... please tell your prescribing doctor that you're planning to come off sertraline.. s/he can manage your stuff better if you can and tell you about the safest way to come off it. maybe you could talk about natural alternatives?
Ella... i hope everyone's ok and that things are a lot calmer now
Facet... warmth from my heart and strong wishes for inner peace from me to you
as for me... totally blank. numb. can't really put words to what's going on. spacey but quiet and bland
i find it so frustrating when DID is made a mockery of.
i myself have been aware of others for most of my life... but was only formally diagnosed in the last year.
im not saying DID is a source of shame for me, but i certainly don't make a big deal of it. i'm quite a withdrawn person, as are most of us, and we see no need to flaunt ourselves.
nevertheless we get almost angry when (to us) people are mimicking and what feels like mocking . it feels almost as though they are taking the piss
i know sometimes its easier to hide behind an idea than actually work with whats going on. i know some people mistake different parts of themself for alters...but..
i dunno... to me it seems like the majority of 'sybils' and 'tara's are those that are trying to hard to mimic.
i switch. its sometimes obvious, sometimes subtle- but its nothing like that which is portrayed.
eh i don't really know where i'm going with this.
the last few days have been total crap but i've been stuck in highly functional again. such is life.
Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing alright. Sorry I've been so lax with supporting in here recently. Things aren't good on my end, but I wanted to stop in and check in.
Great. Laura's back into the habit of blackmailing people by threatening to harm me in front of them, or just threatening them with it to get her way
Why do people give in to her? I'm not strong enough to deal with this. seeing other people hurt. She makes them do things they don't want, she'll never physically make them but she blackmails them and threatens them and plays mind games til she get what she wants.
I don't want people hurt. i'd rather she cut me. I don't care how deep. I don't care anymore. I just don't wnat other people to be hurt because of my weakness and inability to control my dissociations. This is making me feel like total ****. She blames me for letting all those things happen.
On another topic, it's been really quiet in here lately. anybody heard from ash(bleeding black) lately? I hope the hospitals helping him.
I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no-one would listen, cos no-one else cared
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect but neither have you
I hope it's ok for me to pop in. I've suffered from dissociation for an extremely long time, probably as long as I can remember but severely from the age of 13/14. I don't have DID or alters, well, not really.
Today my psychiatrist told me my diagnosis is no long Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, she believes I have a Dissociative Disorder : Dissociative Fugue and Dissociative Anaesthesia.
I don't know whether anyone can relate, it really sucks. When I was IP in an adolescent unit they told me I was "rude" "silly" "attention seeking" etc. Then last year a doctor actually listened and thought I might have epilepsy. Sure enough a brain scan has shown I have abnormalities and they've referred me to a neuropsychiatrist with suspected temporal lobe epilepsy. If they decide that's what's wrong with me, I think it will be instead of Dissociative Disorder, but I was very clear that I don't think I have EUPD (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder) and my doctor told me she agreed with me and that she thought the working diagnosis is Dissociative Disorder etc etc and is going to update my records.
It's been a long hard road out of hell as they say, but I'm so glad I finally have people who understanding my condition.
I don't know if anyone here can relate? An example of me at my worst is being completely paralysed, unresponsive for over 5 hours. Eventually an ambulance was called and I was taken to a&e, thankfully I "came back" from where I go (the grey world I call it), just in time to prevent going IP.
I really hate it because it's so hard to fight, it feels like I have no control.
Dissociative and trauma stuff is so multi-faceted.
I understand that feeling of it being out of your control. I get that when my Others jump in to 'protect' me or to defend me. The thing is to know the edges, the territory, more and more.
xx
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