Spent the day in bed. Just about to try for a second nap. Luckily haven't had another asthma attack yet but feeling the effects of yesterday's plus the cold. It feels frustrating how a cold canake me feel this ill but chronic fatigue from FND and my asthma means it's hit hard.
Feeling a bit depressed about current situation.
And checked my emails and found out works new insurers occupational health department should finally be contacting me. So have some worries about them stopping my money (it's unlikely and I have a tonne of evidence for how terrible my health has been but still)
It must be hard to feel that way, both the physical and mental things. I really hope you can get some good rest and feel at least a bit better soon. I hope everything turns out ok with your money, try not to worry too much if you can.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am scared and panicking on the inside. Not fully sure what I am scared of. I don't think it's hospital but that might be what triggered sit off. Feels more like I am a little kid in danger. And had some bad dreams involving school where the really bad bullying happened.
I managed to enjoy the doctor who special but now it's finished and I am going back into meltdown. It might be an hour by hour sort of day. Trying to watch something else but Doctor Who worked because I was so excited about it, that happiness broke through fear. There isn't anything else that will do that quite the same.
Going to have a late lunch and then maybe Lego would break through cos I really enjoy Lego and it's helps with self harm urges to keep your hands occupied
I built some of my Lego bonsai. And then the pain got bad so I ended up taking both paracetamol and ibuprofen and coming to bed. Napped for 2 and a half hours or so.
I am falling apart. Partner ended up shouting because he felt I was letting him explain himself. But I had cut him off because I was being insecure and then the shouting made.me panic. We talked and we are fine now, I am not fine though.
I am falling apart. It took a lot to focus on distractions and not self harm or self destruct while he was out and he has been out 3 times (was meant to be twice but he came home in the middle of running errands because he needed to pee). And he is meant to be going out again to get his hair cut, if he does I think I will have to call somewhere. Been trying really hard not to call places. Got to this place where I feel bad about reaching out/ want to be more self reliant. And yes I can sometimes cope without reaching out but I sometimes I think not reaching out early makes things worse.
I am trying. I need to stay alive at least until after Christmas don't want to ruin Chriatmas
Current aim is to get to my brother's visit which starts this wednesday evening (13th) to Saturday evening(16th). Then it's Christmas Eve - Boxing Day with partners family then 28th December - 8th January staying at my parents (we are going for a long holiday so partner can have a proper rest/ respite from caring for me.)
Please keep focusing on the things you are looking forward to. I know that doesn't change day to day things though and the struggle. You are doing a good job of trying things for yourself but part of looking after yourself can involve reaching out to others to talk things through and that is ok.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Well partner is out getting his hair cut and I am sat here not sure if things are bad enough to reach out. Like maybe I feel ok now but maybe I really don't.
I reached out had a chat with someone from charity crisis line but it didn't really help as I was more of chat and I was struggling to express what I was struggling with and explain it and then his shift was finishing so had to round up call.
Called NHS urgent mental health helpline and they were being helpful but I had a seizure, think while I was out she said she would call back so waiting for a call back now.
Well they called back but they ended call saying I seemed to have a handle on it but call back if I really needed to and get some rest post seizure. Thing is I only stopped biting my hand and hitting my head because of talking and not sure I won't start again now. yes I am trying lots of things and have been trying to cope on my own but what I was trying to explain is they werent working enough. Maybe she was trying to say because talking triggered a seizure that she thought talking more wasn't best idea. I don't know but confused post seizure. I should have asked her to talk me through a grounding exercise cos I can't seem to focus on them by myself but I didn't
Last edited by long road : 11-12-2023 at 07:46 PM.
Reason: They called back
I hope you are feeling at least a bit better today and that things go better for you today. Can you maybe make some points about what you need when you make calls? If it is different each time then maybe you could think about it before you make the call.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Amazing news with some terrible timing. Just got a call from CMHT! Didn't do the full call as I am in the hospital having asthma attack and talking was hard. But she said an assessment appointment is being booked for 5th January and she was sorry I had been waiting so long and was glad I had been using access and first response when I needed. At that point she clearly.wanted to say more but I was audibly struggling to breathe so she asked when a good time to call back would be and I said early next week because I don't know if they are going to want to admit me (and if they don't my bro will be here).
The only negative is it means I have to cut my visit to my parents a little short. But that does also give me extra time to sort my PIP review form if I don't finish it before Christmas which is looking less likely.
But so glad to be getting a chance to get support. Next will be the worry about if the assessment actually results in any support but for now I am just happy to have a date for an appointment. I am curious about what else she wanted to say but glad to have got the call. I shall await the call next week nervously.
Also it took 3 back to back nebulisers of Salbutamol and Ipratropium but I have been discharged home and my brother is still coming to visit so I get to see him this evening which is super duper positive.
Not super confident that I won't have another asthma attack when in the last 24 hours I have needed 3 at home salbutamol saline nebulisers, 5 stronger Salbutamol nebulisers and 4 ipratropium nebulisers but I will look after myself to give myself the best chance.
Last edited by long road : 13-12-2023 at 07:32 PM.
Everything has got too much again. Asthma flaring again has triggered me like crazy (more details in RV,)
I am back to living hour to hour whereas I had started to get to the point where I was day to day, even week to week.
Having self harm thoughts and think I can avoid acting on them but haven't found an alternative way to deal with the swirling ball if emotion, anxiety and fear in the centre of my chest
I'm sorry things are too much again. I think it feels extra hard if you've even had a tiny bit of a break from it. I'm glad you are at least doing your best to avoid self harm. Did you have any techniques that you wrote down the other day that might help? (Unless I have pulled this out of nowhere). Have you had any of your phone calls today?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Good memory I had forgotten about those, there was the TIPP (Temperature, Intensive exercise, Paced breathing Progressive muscle relaxation) skills from DBT that someone from the local charity crisis line suggested. I can't do the Intensive Exercise bit for obvious reasons but the Temperature Change using cold packs on my neck or cold water on my face helped a bit last time I tried it. And for paced breathing I can do my respiratory physio and kill two birds with one stone sort of thing.
Not really got the hang of progressive muscle relaxation and it didn't seemed to play well with FND when I tried it but have a guided audio track I could potentially try again.
I phoned charity crisis line this morning and did some grounding with them over the phone, which helped as did just venting it out. Part of problem has been flashbacks to medical stuff and then the distress making me want to self harm so I think grounding is a good thing to try and do as well. Self harm urges are less strong right this minute but still in survival mode. Which wasn't helped by asthma attack this afternoon, I did call 999 but needed up not needing further treatment as I stabilised within fifteen minutes or so of then arriving. Still doesn't fill me with confidence for tonight.
Not had either of the phone calls. CMHT could be anytime this week to be fair. But I was sure the respiratory nurse on phone yesterday said she would put a note on the system to get someone to call me today if I got discharged yesterday. And I was discharged although not until 7:30pm. And I am sure the outpatient respiratory nurse specialists must have finished by this time of day so I won't get a call today now. Will ring the hospital switchboard tomorrow and follow up on it.
It sounds like you have some good things to try and I'm glad you phoned the crisis line. Please keep doing those things if they even help a small bit. I know how hard it is to feel like you are just fighting all the time, take the help and rest where you can get it. I hope your asthma stays in control tonight and you sleep well. How is your sleep? I hope you can find out about talking to a nurse tomorrow and that the CMHT get in touch with some good news soon.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
