On edge why are you going to pass out? Did you take something?? Do you need to get to a hospital? Can you call an emergency number? And yes people will believe you. Yes they will. I already do.
On edge, of course you deserve it! Hope you managed to stay strong as am sure you have more strength inside you than you give yourself credit for! How you feeling today?
Mum24, your stronger than me! i couldnt get rid of the tablets, having them is the only thing that seems to make me feel calm right now. I started taking them last night but managed to stop myself before i took it too far and just slept it off in the end, feeling a bit rough now though but my own fault.
Talaiporia, thanx for your concern as well. I just tried talking to one of my closest friends about how am feeling and he would listen to me and try and understand i know he would but i just cant bare the thought of him and my other friends then worrying about me and then watching what im up to, Im seen as alot of my friends as the happy go lucky one whos carefree, doesnt get upset often and always up for a laugh. so i know how much it would shake them if they really knew how i was feeling. its sooo much easier to just put up a front sometimes, i suppose i want to believe it myself as well to some extent! this is so strange im not normally a big talker when it comes to myself and how am feeling so am finding it really confusing that am talking and whining on here. sorry, and thankyou for the support guys! x
Northern girl you need to take yourself seriously and take steps to get help and get well. I thought I was in control and would never OD but a year and a half ago I took a serious OD on prescription pills and alcohol and it wasnt even too thought out. I was just so beside myself in depression and pain and it happens like that. Its so quick. I'm concerned that you took those tabs. I know you stopped. I'm very GLAD. Maybe it's time to tell someone how you are feeling. Just so you are not alone. There are people who care and would rather the burden of knowing you need them than the grief of losing you. Make sense? I hope so. I lost one friend in high school because I never said anything and I don't want to lose you too! Hugs!
your right I do have people that care but one of my problems is that alot of them are asscociated with work (my job is everything to me) and if my boss found out (who is also a friend) then i would lose my job. i suppose i do wanna reach out and get some help but im also scared of doing so and not really sure where to turn to for some help either. Ive just started to see a councillor but i swear it makes me feel worse though i do know these things have to get worse before they can get better, but i dnt think i can handle getting any worse than i am all ready. I suppose the other thing is am scared of talking to the councillor properly as i know that where as they have to keep what you say as confidential they dont have to if they think your not safe. thankyou so much for caring it really does mean alot to me. Hugs to you too! x
I get that. I'm kind of in the same situation with not knowing how much to reveal to whom right now. But number one priority is your safety. Keep looking for a way to open up and the right path will come. Hug. Don't give up please! I also understand Counselling making things worse. My counsellor always says that not everything needs to be discussed right away if it brings you more distress. You work on your priorities. Do you have choices for counsellors? Hugs.
hey, no unfortunatly i dont have choices of counsellors and if im totaly honest im only seeing this one as i have no choice in the matter as ocupational heath at work said that after my suside attempts a few months ago i had to see one if i wanted to keep my job, it took months for us to get this one as only been going a few weeks if i tried to change it all now then my boss would kill me! Im just jumping through hoops really which is not the right reason to be doing it i know. and if honest im only living right now cause im scared of having to deal with the concequences of a failed attempt. wish i could be as strong as you obviously are xx
I'm not strong. I have my reasons for living too. My kids. And I have my fears... A huge whole whack of them. The future is a massive dark hole waiting to swallow me up right now. And my past is chasing me down in guilt. But what can I do but keep going? If I fall I ruin too many lives. I'm terrified to do that. I'm terrified that I'm going to! But I keep going on. And I keep tripping here and there but if I can just keep faking a smile....
I'm sorry you are living because you are afraid to mess up dying. But if it keeps you alive.... I'll take it. Keep going to your counsellor and if you have to be there anyway, and no one has to know maybe pick up a pointer or two, listen for some thing that might help. And then share it with us! We need to know! Lol. Seriously, I'm concerned for you. Try to give the counsellor a chance. Are you on meds? Give those a chance too. And if they don't work, speak up!!! There are all different kinds!! Trust me, I know!
Hugs
I know what you mean about the dark hole and being swallowed i feel like that lots! i think on some levels the fear is a good thing as, as you said it keeps us going. I'm not on any meds no (other than stuff for my epilepsy) as ironically i hate taking tablets lol I'm trying to give the whole counsellor thing ago and if anything good does come my way ill be sure to pass it on to you though i walked out of the last session as she asked me if i was suisidal and did i have a plan, i didnt know what to say so i said nothing she then asked again n i got nervous so i just got up and left, so i dont know whats happening there now and if i can go back i dunno soooo confused and low right now! hugs to you! x
Hugs. If she didn't chase you down and or call you, you are fine to go back. I guess you can be honest and say you have thoughts. But if you do have a plan, please be honest and say that. They are there to help. And if your boss already know why you are there, then that's good??
Some epilepsy meds are also mood stabilizers. Bit if you are this depressed it's probably not working that way for you. I was really afraid to go on medication for depression for a long time until I just couldn't take it any more. I had to. Or die. One or the other. You might want to think about it. Just as an option.
So if I asked you would you tell me, do you have a plan? You don't have to of course. I hope things start looking up soon.
yeh, he knows why am there but cause am good at putting up a front he thinks am fine and that me going is just a formality for H.R. a few people know about my last attempts as the police were out looking for me and i got detained under the mental health act but they all think am past that now managed to convince them all within a week or so that i was fine again, as they just think that i was suffering from p.t.s and that its gone now i think. ...... in answer to your question yeh i suppose i do but the plan was to end it last night and i managed to stop myself.
I've been detained too. :( not fun. Being a good actor in this case is not helping you love. It kinda protects you from feeling like you're going to fall apart bit it prevents people from being able to help you. And the truth is if you let just a few important people in everything won't fall apart. Hugs. I know it feels so fragile, so painful. I should be taking my own advice! I'm glad you stopped yourself last night. Do you have plans to finish the plan???
i think sometimes taking our own advice is the most bitter pill we will ever have to take. i know i should let a few people in as if i were someone else i would be telling me to do it, but how do you know who those few important people you should be letting in are? yeh i have plans to finish what i started. Im just scared that it might not work and ppl finding out, i just wish God would let me be with him. I know they say He only gives you what you can handle but i feel like im waaaay out of my depth right now
That scripture refers to temptation and sin. We get lots we can't handle in life. That's why we need Him to be our strength. I need Him too. I definitely think you should be telling someone PRONTO about your plans. The counsellor or someone else you trust..... Put it this way.... Someone you trust to keep you safe, more than you trust you to keep you safe! Please please do this. It's important. And get rid of the pills love. You are in danger. Hugs
The problem is, i dont think i want to be saved, im trying to keep myself safe but only cause am scared of things going wrong im not scared of dying but im petrified of living. Dont worry im not in danger, the only danger im in is backing out.
Northern girl you have nothing to apologize to me for. Sorry I disappeared for a while. Putting kids to bed etc. I really hope you tell someone soon about your plans and your thoughts about life and death and all of it. I've been exactly where you are and I know it's a dangerous place... Meaning you could let your life slip away when really it was worth so much more and you just weren't seeing it clearly because you were ill with depression or whatever else. You are worth saving even if you don't care hon. That makes me sad.
Hope you are safe tonight and consider making a call tomorrow please.
...dont wanna live cause i cant stand goin on like this....but too afraid to truly do anythng about it again...
maybe its time to change
and leave it all behind
ive been the one to walk alone
ive always been scared to try
so why does it feel so wrong to reach for something more
to wanna live a better life
what am i waiting for?
maybe its time to change
