i havent stopped being like this.
i just stopped showing you the truth.
i knew you couldnt handle it.
its ok though.
most people cant.
i dont blame you.
i thank you for taking it for as long as you did.
im trying to get better.
i really am.
ish.
"They say time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
I am in huge despair now. I need to accept the fact that I'm a lazy bitch. Too scared & worried to do anything... God teach me how to die. A useless addict. Worthless. I really know it, but still can't do anything. I think I'm trying my butt off. Stupid. I'm so worthless, no counsellors are available now. I need to end this very quickly. I have no right to live.
I misunderstood, I'm sorry. I'm not set out to ruin things for you, but the way you were speaking about it was as though you wanted to get paralytic, and after what happened to you last week, I was worried that'd make you set out for it more-so. I've bolded I'm sorry because I am, I don't want to ruin your day but you brought up things that put me in that place where I'm stuck thinking about this situation.
I like you. I really do. I dont wanna do anything with you though. I do and i dont. I know what people will think. I know what a slag ill seem to be. But i do really like you. You are cute when you want to be. Ive known you for 5 months.
Im scared ill hate it and never be able to look at you the same again.
Im scarerd ill make a mistake and end up crying
Im scared.
But if you need/want it ill have to wont i?
I'm losing you. And you're not trying to stop it. In fact you're encouraging it.
You're my life, how am I supposed to do this without you? I can't believe that you'd've lied to me for this long, you don't have it in you. I know you, and this...it's just not you. You're not a selfish person, you don't have it in you to be selfish. Something's happened, or everything has finally broken through and now you have to deal with it all at once. I just wish you'd let me in, let me help. You said you had no walls left, that I'd broken them all down...was that a 'lie' too?
There's this nagging in the back of my head, this little voice just niggling at me. There's a pattern forming. Everytime we're supposed to meet, something comes up, or something happens. I'm probably paranoid but I can't help but think you don't want me there, or you just don't want me. I've never once doubted you love me, but now... how can I not doubt it? And I'm sorry I'm turning it all round on me, I know it's not fair, but I can't help it. I'm so fucking fragile right now anyway. I've tried to talk to you about it, we've argued about it, I've told you I'm here. It's just like you don't care anymore. Is that right? If so is it that you just don;t care at all, or just don't care about me anymore? Why? Urgh God, listen to me. You're self destructing, and I need to be there for you. I've tried to be there for you. But there's only so much I can do. You have to want it too, and you just don't do you?
I love you so much. You're everything to me. And this...it's slowly killing me. But I can take it. I don't care what happens to me, so long as you're ok.
Is it me that's done this to you?
♪♫ I'm Learning To Be Brave In My Beautiful Mistakes ♫♪
Babe, please, we have gotta talk. It's breaking my heart all over. I just wanna clear stuff up between us instead of going through luke where messages get hanged and said differently. Please? I will always love you kiddo xxx
Thanks for being honest with me, srsly, you are the only one who has told me im being an idiot and made the wrong descision. I treat you so badly, but i just worrry about not being the person you think i am. At least your honest. Maybe it does hurt but i prefer honesty than bullshit. x
I want it to be perfect. I want us to be on a beach, watching the sunset, you'll be holding me and you'll tell me...
Failing that...you're with me. Anywhere. And you'll tell me.
I need you to tell me...so I know that there's hope.
...And I'll say it back.
A... I wish you werent going on holiday, I wish you were staying here so we could talk, I wish you gave me a chance. I wish you would text me back. I wish I hadn't fallen in love with you.
P... I'm sorry I put too much shot on you as it is but you're a good listener. Wish I had met you.
S... I love you so much and so glad A... made us meet. You're my rock at the minute and I love you so much for it.
F... I'm sorry for everything, I have to stop being stubborn. But now because it's gone on for so long I'm scared I will never get you back as a mate, so I'm too scared and proud/stubborn to even try.
C.... you're a great mate, just wish your best mate didnt treat me like shit. I wish you could do something to make him realise that the more he ignores that fact I ask for his help the more I get mad and push it back at him.
All of you! I bet none of you will ever read this, if you do I'd be amazed. Wish you would all respond to it even if you never read it.
I fell in love with you, fell out of love with you, then fell back in love with you! I know you don't like me, and I know that we are only friends, but did you seriously have to point that out and make me feel like shit? I knew it already, I didn't need to be reminded.
oh no. i'm sorry, did i not give you anything to be disappointed with? you really do look for trouble sometimes, don't you? i just wish you didn't always think the worst of me - it really does put me down.
