The Borderline Personality Disorder Thread

[youngatheart]

carrie ~ evening hun, Im doing ok thanks. Slipped up a few times but really trying!
Hows your evening going? what you been doing today?
hollz~ hope it all went well.
sarah ~ that is great you had a meal. I can totally realte to how you feel though, I am always the same if someoen comments on how well Im doing.

[x-dying-inside-x]

evening everyone.
How are you all??
xx

[Left in the centre]

im also being forced to go out tonight too.
we shal see.. im trying to manipulate this guy.... he's tougher than the average person so its very interesting :D. and not manipulate in a bad way dont worry. mm.. i guess eaating means i can go out tonight

sam 0 sorry to hear you slipped... it does happen tho ad you'll coem through this and get back on track

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Hey guys. Yet again I've missed loads, so apologies I haven't been there at the right time to support people! I've told my parents briefly what's going on and they were supportive so that's a weight off my mind! I'm being discharged from the Crisis Team Friday as they feel my Crisis time is over but can still call them. So feeling slightly positive!

[x-dying-inside-x]

I'm really pleased you told them hunnyand that your getting somewhere!
xx

[Left in the centre]

thats brilliant hun. are you feeling like your out of the crisis too ?
im glad you have both them and your parents supporting you.

daniella - how are you

[x-dying-inside-x]

I don't know how i am really.
I ended up going hospital after college because i couldn't take it anymore. They are going to fax the gp and adult mental health to get this sorted and get me on meds to control my mood swings because they are getting worse and i don't want to eat but i've been making myself eat + i cant concertate at all.
xx

[Left in the centre]

un sounds like things are pretty hard.
im glad people are doing things to help. i had to go on stablizers for a while too.

making yourself eat is a good thing - as much as it feels like its not - it will help your concentration too.

[x-dying-inside-x]

If i don't make myself eat then i wouldn't but they said it's because of the mood swings i'm not wanting to eat. I'm just hoping that this time i will get some help otherwise i dont know what i'll do.
xx

[Left in the centre]

makes sense i guess. if your moods are so intense maybe its a way of grabbing control ? or it just seems unimportant and un-necessary .
they should help you out speshily if they are giving u meds and stuff x

im meant to be going out tonight. i got dressed in something that doesntmake me look disgusting did my make up and my hair... but i just dont feel up to going

[x-dying-inside-x]

Go out Sarah have fun!!!

i don't feel hungry + i'm forgetting to eat which i guess isn't good.
xx

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Hey Sam, something I have been trying to do and learn recently is to not let slip ups become something worse in my mind by dwelling on them too much. So, when I drank too much on Saturday night and ended up wasting the day on Sunday, I just made sure I got back on track on Monday, if that makes sense. Whereas before and my instinct which still plagues me is that I failed and need punishing. So yeah, anyway. Glad you are still trying.

Daniella, I hope you get the help the hospital are trying to arrange for you.

Sarah, hope you have a good night out.

Hollz (when you get back tonight), I hope your GA meeting went ok.

Ash, glad that your crisis is over and just remember that you managed it - you had the strength to pull through when you didn't think you could :)

[Left in the centre]

carrie - thats a good approach to take :) . well done for being able to do that.

daniella - thats not so good maybe you could do somehing simple like set a time on your phone or an alarm somewhere so you remember you should eat ?

i didnt go out.. tho my flatmates carried me into the lift and down the stairs in an effort to make me.
im just not feelin good. or ok.. or anything remotely positive.
im gonna call my therapist tomorrow and try to get an appointment before i go home on friday - might be askin too much but i need to talk to someone

[Hollz]

In all honesty, the meeting wasn't good. I said well the truth, how I was relieved to have a bit of money, how I had bought the block an everything and how I was pretty positive.

All I got was your hearts not in it still and you aint doing enough, and just get rid of your laptop altogether and you have missed so many meeting blah blah, went to the football last week instead of coming here, get your priorites sorted...]

I live for football, it is the relationship I don't have, my bread and butter and you take that away from me, then i'm not worth knowing.

Now I am a bit pissed off, still need to see a gp tomoz and well having a bottle of wine and catching up with my tv a bit, but I am sooo pissed off.

I can't do right for doing wrong.

[Left in the centre]

ok so football is a connection they arent able to understand.. do you feel you could explain it to them. and they are there to support you - even when it seems they arent - from their pov. you missed some meetings and such.. to them its simple to get rid of your laptop ect... you need to start working with them not agaisnt them hunny. i know your trying and when you understand and see that they'll back off.. soemtimes its about tough love.. even if it makes the person feel worse maybe thats teh approach they're taking ?

[Hollz]

Its just I been going the last 3/4 months and expectig merry hell for gambling and not putting the block on and some of them know bout my stay in hospital and I'm sorry to say, I made an old man cry. Harry, he is a darling and that and yeah always gives me 'tough love' but one of the girls who I pick up, said he had a wee cry in the toilet at break, as he is worried about me.

I told them I am doing well and that but some of them are like, aye your happy you have money but you will gamble again when you don't have it.

As I said I am going to see two flats tomorrow, if I take one I am going to offer to pay 6 months rent upfront. I know to some that might seem extreme, but knowing me I will blow the money if it is in my account.

Football is the only place I feel accepted. Okay, I support St Mirren and aye, I know a lot of people. I know a lot of people through football, when I go I always feel I am with friends, ad going through something with people I love and respect. At the football, I know everyone and they know me, and love me for who I am - but they are mainly companions, not many know the true me, so I feel like I can lose myself and that at the footy. I walk about town and go out and people I don't know say hello, like I'm some sort of celeb, I get a rush from that and being blunt, I am th emost well known female supporter of the club, just due to circumstance - and I live for it.

Out of that, my close friefds well Carri is moving on with her boyfriend, and as everyone does.

If I am truly honest, what I want more than anything is a relationship and I have pushed so many people away, had so many one night stands - in honesty, I don't think it has ever meant anything, and for me being 24 - thats a shocking statistic.

I think there is only 2/3 people I have slept with more than once, I just hate who I am and I wanna be someone different, so so badly.

Next week if I don't report gambling, hopefully they might back off but I am just so down generally atm, its not taking much to send me over the edge.

[Bleeding Angel]

I think ive been thinking abit too much lately. I dont know, im just tired and lost and confused about everything, most of all i just wish i could be normal and deal with stuff - but its not going to happen. I ended up having one of thoes dreams again about people in my past, lets just say it drags things up but i cannot do anything about it, you dont control your dreams, and if it means something, it means that im still dealing with the whole being abandond thing. Its hard how other people can just forget and move on but i cant, its just stuck there always haunting me and i dont know how to move on from it. I feel like there is something wrong with me, that i must be horrible and awful, or just so messed up.

But its hard right now because everything triggers me off in some way or another, words, clothes, music ect you get the idea, i cant run from it but i cant face it either. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic that i cant deal with things, so what do i do when everything is just killing me inside. What do i do, more drugs? less drugs?

Everyone tells me to look forward to uni and all that, but it might not even happen, its not a deffinate plan, but i still cant go back to that place. How can i live in a place with all the memories and with people living there that used to be in my life. How do i live with that.

Im tired of being the messed up little girl, or people not understanding how my mind works or guessing. I did the hardest part i let go, but people just forget about you, move on, life move on.

All i want is to be imporant to people, for people to think about me or wonder how i am, because without people, im just not important, i feel like im going to just end up on my own, alone, you know the person that dies alone because the world forgot about them, thats going to be me. It reminds me of when my frineds said awhile ago "if i died i wonder who would be at my funearal", well i did, and apart from my family and a few friends, no one would really care, and once your gone everyone forgets.

One day im just going to dissapear for good and not come back. Because i cant live with myself.

[Hollz]

fukkin cnt do this nlo more

[Pnuemonia[Blue]]

is anyone around??

[Left in the centre]

hollz - its understandable that their worried its probably not soemthing they're used to .. can you see that they do care about you.
going to see the flats sounds good and 6 months rent altho unusual should hopefullly keep things on an even keel for the moment.
football - football its your realease... can you explain that to people at ga
peoples lives do go on hunny and its not that your doesntit just takes an extra effort not to lose all contact.
its not that shocking sweetie... it just sounds it because of how hyped up things are.

mari - hun there isnt anything wrong with you except for the fact that you react differently to situations some people are haunted by things they just never let on.
is there anyone you can talk to about your dreams.. maybe its your minds way of asking you to try and deal with it so you can move on.
its hard but you wont be triggered by everything foreer. its temporary and its a way of pointing out you need extra support. it also means checking yourself and sayin ok how am i doing what can i do to change it... regularly so you dont get to crisis point
its difficult going back to a place where it seems like things dont change.. but it might not be as bad as you think its natural toworry but that doesnt mean you shouldnt do it
i know its frustrating when things never seem to change and everyone gets better and you feel like your still stuck there and no one seems to be able to undrstand. but it just takes time, longer to re train your brain and its complicated so it takes longer for people to understand it
alot of people just want people to wonder about them and not forget that.. thats no reflection on you or bpd or anything thats quite common
but you wont be forgotten that sad truth of the matter is people dont realise how important someone is in their life untill its impossible for them to come back - and thats not a reason to end things -

emma ? how are you doing this morning

me - i had a disruptive night. and a broken sleep pattern which never helps my friend came to see my last night and told me his heart was breaking andaskedhow i was and then moved back on to his heart break. im not so bothered because thats how he is.. but it reminded me i want to tell someone
because coping alone is very difficult