Hours stretched on, achingly slow and lazy, minute crawling bit by bit towards the next minute. Kellie left, the last time I would be seeing her, to go home. Dont say goodbye like this Katy, she pleaded. I turned my head away as she left. Gina sat down at my side and the meandering minutes continued into more hours. After a while we were asked to move to another room, so that the rest of the patients could have their community meeting. I can safely say that that was the first and last time I would ever, ever be jealous of people allowed to go to a community meeting.
Sequestered in our smaller room, Gina and I sat awkwardly, though I was extremely grateful that she took the decision to sit in the chair opposite me, rather than sit beside me on the sofa. We had sat another few minutes when a tiny glimmer of hope awoke inside me. Gina couldnt properly see the side the pills were on, or where my hand was. If I did it very slowly very carefully extracting the top of the packet bit by tiny bit. Finally I felt the rasp of foil against my fingers. I pressed carefully, and felt a small oval pill fall gracefully into my palm. I could have cried with relief. Not foolish enough to try and take it that moment and risk getting caught before I could swallow the rest, I stashed the tiny capsule up my sleeve. I now turned my attention to the next pill, and the next, and the next, until a few were hidden carefully up my sleeve.
I couldnt wait any longer. I needed some of them at least to be slipping into my blood stream, poisoning my useless lump of a body, bringing the end nearer. I slid one of the pills seamlessly out of my sleeve and into my closed hand. Sneaking a covert glance at Gina, I raised my hand to my mouth, faking a cough. Gina reached over and grabbed my arm, pulling it down from my mouth sharply. Open your palm Katy. I shook my head. Katy open your palm. I know theres a pill in there and I dont want to have to call in other members of staff to help me persuade you to give it up. Scowling I opened my palm. Gina plucked the pill from it, smiling in a maddeningly satisfied way then crossed the room to sit next to me on the sofa. I glowered at her. I tried giving you some space by sitting in the chair but it evidently wasnt working, so I have to sit here, its no use giving me that look. I continued the look.
Gina smiled to herself and kept her eyes fixed on me. I turned my head away, even more uncomfortable in the close proximity of the sofa than I was on the chairs in the community meeting room. This felt some how more oppressive and invasive. I sat looking out of the window for the most part, in order to block out the sight of someone so close and watching me so intently. Every now and then I swivelled my head to see whether she was still watching and still so close. She always was. After about the fourth head swivel Gina laughed You know no matter how many times you look away and look back Im still going to be sat here. I sank back on the sofa cushions and closed my eyes. How did I manage to get myself into such a mess?
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
