Life, please... no more

[SoMuchMore]

Congratulations again for your 2 years free! That is so amazing hun, i'm so proud of you.

Secondly, good luck starting uni and i'm glad that your stove is fixed.

i'm sorry that you had such a long day, and that sounds really frustrating to not remember exactly what happened with your housemate earlier. Hope you are alright.

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs Laura* - Thanks hun. Yeah it is frustrating. I know that we came up with a sort of plan and I've done some of it like trying to find an agoraphobia support site and making an appointment with my GP, but when I went to do the part about emailing my psychiatrist I just couldn't work out what I wanted to say.

[clear_skies]

Congratulations on making it 2yrs free :) that's awesome.

Good luck for starting uni...are you going to JCU? I hope you can get the support you need - and good job for starting the readings! haha, I always get behind on mine :P

[Kahlia1981]

Bridget: Thanks. No, definitely not JCU. I've studied IT there and they are at least 10 years behind in their curriculum. This Study Period (SP3) I'm doing a subject from Monash on Management as part of my Minor.

Well my textbook arrived from Australia Post this morning which I have to admit was a bit of a surprise as I wasn't expecting it until midway through next week. The good news is that I'm about halfway through the first chapter which isn't even on the prescribed readings list until Topic (week) 2. I've already done my recommended reading for Topic 1 so I'm feeling pretty good about heading into my first week of study on Monday - even though I have to keep fairly quiet about it on some forums because I don't want my parents to know. My parents are likely to come out with some choice comments along the lines of "oh another course you'll start but never finish" and "why are you even bothering? You know you aren't capable of completing anything" and it really gets me down.

I also went to see my GP today which was barrels of fun. I was deeply engrossed in my Management textbook when my mobile phone rang - it was Pain Management wanting to change the time of my appointment with the OT next week - and it jerked me back into reality. I saw the time and realised that the surgeries courtesy bus would soon be here, so I took a white M&M and started getting myself ready and the bus turned up. I yelled down to the driver (who I know quite well) and finished grabbing all my stuff and headed down the stairs. When I got to the surgery I told the receptionist that I had agoraphobia and needed to be somewhere fairly quiet so they got me to sit in the treatment room (nurses room). I ended up having a really good chat with the nurse before they got me to move to outside my GPs room.

With regards to conversation with the GP I explained my study situation with him including immediate past, present and future. He told me I should write to the Department of Education and Workplace Training about the Diploma co-ordinator at Brisbane North TAFE so that my complaint has to at least be answered and not just "lost" or swept under the rug. On the matter of my agoraphobia he really didn't know what to do, but appreciated being brought up to date with it. He gave me a script for the Xanax and advised me that instead of taking them prn to take them on a continuous basis at 2mg four times a day. We also talked about the interaction between the Endone and the Xanax and I explained that I had basically completely withdrawn from the Endone due to the Xanax. He agreed that I had to be careful while taking the two together but gave me some strategies for managing the two successfully and also some contingency plans for if/when things go wrong. The last thing we talked about was how to go about getting me access to an EpiPen for my Latex or Mango allergies. The problem is that a specialist needs to put in the initial request, and it usually needs to be done the first time the person goes into analphalaxis and is given adrenalin to revive them. My first time was in 2000 when I was undergoing surgery at a private hospital and I'm not sure if those records will still exist or how to get a hold of them if they do. I'm also not sure whether the person who created those hospital record notes would have listed the person/s who noticed/treated the analphalaxis and whether they count as specialists and so forth. I realise these things are expensive - but aren't they less expensive they the cost of a) someone's life and b) the cost of using a hospital to bring someone back from analphalaxis?

I seriously crashed out in bed for a few hours after I got home. I was cold even though I was wearing a cardigan so I curled up under the doona/quilt at about 14:00 and before I knew it it was 16:45 and my housemate was calling me to tell me that he was on his way home!! I have to confess I did consider curling back up in bed after that. It was just so lovely and warm.

*sigh* So tired ...

[Kahlia1981]

-- Start r/v session --
Why is it you can never scream or cry when you really want to? Or never stand up for yourself when you think you should?

Like today, I read 3 and 1/4 Chapters of my textbook, and these are not small chapters being easily 60 - 80 pages in each in an A4 style book but my housemate is mad at me because I "didn't leave the house". I know that I struggle to leave the house because of my Agoraphobia and that the "exposure therapy" in getting out is supposed to help, but I worked so hard at my readings, and I made sure that the house was clean and the dishes were done.

DOESN'T ANY OF THAT COUNT FOR ANYTHING?

I also noticed that our internet was off and changed the settings for our new provider so that it was all set up for him when he got hom. But nothing I do is worth anything to him. I may as well go and kill myself because he wouldn't even f*cking notice.

I'm so over this. I just don't want to go through this anymore.

I'm sorry. This just hurts so much.

-- Okay r/v session over --

Today as I said I did some major reading for my course which starts on Monday. I'm now up to Chapter 5 in my Management textbook and feeling pretty good about my studies. I'm understanding the text and the ideas it's bringing across and even questioning some of the ethical issues for example diversity in terms of gender and ethnicity are being mentioned, but there is no mention of disability.

Also, our internet changed from ADSL plus phone line to NakedDSL at ADSL2+ speeds and VOIP with a different provider today. As I said at the top in my r/v section I noticed that the internet had dropped out and scooted to the management site for our modem-router and filled in all the appropriate settings for our new provider so everything was perfectly set up for when my housemate got home. He then checked everything was working correctly and rang our old provider and cancelled our account. It looks like we are even going to get a refund cheque in the mail to cover the balance of what we pain in advance on our last account as the last period ended on the 22nd and it's only the 27th.

Tonight I got a phone call that freaked me out a little bit. It was from an ex-boyfriend who lives in WA and I haven't heard from since .... maybe 2009. We talked about the place where we sort of worked together - him in the Brisbane office and me in the Townsville office - and the changes there, and what I was doing now and had done since we last talked. We talked a bit about what he had done and a mutual friend and so forth. Apparantly I made him jealous with my large amount of weight loss and my getting my health on track and so forth. He was definitely in favour of my moving to Brisbane when the lease expires ... mind you so are most people who are realistic about job prospects in the IT arena for university graduates. It was seriously a weird conversation to come out of the blue and just thinking of it still weirds me out.

Anyway I tried to go to bed and had just managed to get to sleep when I had an incredibly nasty flashback to my CSA. When I came out of it I thought I saw the perpetrator standing in my room. I totally freaked out. I ended up waking my housemate up and cuddling up to him while basically chanting to myself "this is here and this is now and he's not here", just trying to affirm to myself that I was in this reality and he wasn't and to give myself something to tie to. I couldn't think of what else to do. I think I may have freaked my housemate out for a while there too but once I had calmed down and stopped shaking he very quickly fell asleep again.

You know being able to fall asleep that quickly is a skill I'd like to have. *sigh* I know that it's his medication/s and/or their interactions that do it but he's a bugger to wake (even in the morning when he's gone to bed at like 19:00) and can drop off to sleep at the drop of a hat.

I don't know .... I just don't know ...

[Kahlia1981]

Today I read 5 Chapters out of my textbook taking me all the way up to the end of Chapter 10. Yesterday I didn't even get to touch the textbook which was a major pain in a way because just a chapter or two could have been invaluable but I didn't sleep after I posted Friday night so I wasn't doing all that crash hot and didn't want to risk wasting my time by reading but not being able to recall anything at all from the book, or even just not getting anything out of it including general ideas. When tiredness takes control it can be a better idea just to simply let it slide for a bit.

I did do some other stuff however like organising my online work environment and spending some time organising my first topics' glossary definitions so that they have a source location so I can find them when/if I want to look them up. I sent someone I am offerring support with a problem to some PMs, which in some cases took time researching or writing things a few times to try and clear up what I was trying to say. I also had to write a few emails including one to my psychiatrist - and that definitely did take awhile. One other thing was that I was in contact with a good friend via phone - which takes a large amount of concentration.

That's right, I also walked down to the local shopping centre with a pharmacy and got medications for me and my housemate and experienced - for the first time since the agoraphobia hit - the weird feeling of not being afraid when a) out in public and b) away from my home.

But today the study was full-steam ahead. I barely did anything else except the morning coffee's and a few smoke breaks. It's been a weird weekend. My housemate made me stop reading this evening so we could watch a movie - we watched "Watchmen".

[Kahlia1981]

Well today so far has been incredibly busy. This morning I had a shower and washed my laundry. I made my bed and went downstairs and hung my laundry. Oh, before I did any of that I went downstairs and got my housemate's laundry off the line so he'd have clothes to put on after his shower ... I also put my mobile on charge as the battery was almost flat before I left for a 2.5 km walk down to the nearest "big" shopping centre to pick up some medication.

When I had done the original drop off of the script the sour old pharmacist had told me I would have to pay to pick up the second half of the script so I wasn't really looking forward to it, but when I explained today - as I had explained then - that it was the doctor who wanted the split script not me they just packaged it up and said goodbye!! I was really surprised, quite dehydrated and in desperate need of a smoke so I went and bought a drink and found an area to have a smoke in, then walked the 2.5 km back home.

Upon arriving home I found that my housemate had sent me a text so I replied, but apparantly I was about 10 minutes too late. I explained to him that I had had to go up to the shopping centre as we had discussed both last night and this morning and he came back with "oh I must have forgotten because I thought you were just going to be at home". Ah well, we're all entitled to being forgetful as long as we aren't always forgetful and don't keep making excuses for it.

After that I logged on to the website I required for my subject for this study period and did some of the tasks including introducing myself and reading through the available material and so forth. I also downloaded or saved certain bits such as the videos for topics 1 and 2 and the powerpoint slides so that I can go over them at my leisure without taking up unnecessary bandwidth - not that we have an overly large shortage of it now that we've change internet providers.

I've also asked a question relating to the first assignment where we have to interview a Manager, and booked an appointment with the Manager I'm going to interview. He is the manager of the disability employment service that helped me to find work and as such knows me quite well and was really excited by the prospect of being able to give me a hand. I think we'll end up having a huge informal chat after the "interview".

After organising and filling out my glossary and doing basically as many tasks as I could for topic 1, my housemate and I went out for a coffee. While we were out I got a phonecall from the Disability Unit at Monash. It was great, she was talking to me about the options in relation to exams and how they could and had to be worked out and carried out. The paperwork is being sent tomorrow and will hopefully arrive before my next appointment with my psychiatrist. *crosses fingers*

I'm definitely feeling excited and energised right now, although I could probably do with a good sleep, lol. It's been a long day, but it definitely isn't over just yet ...

[Kahlia1981]

Well in some ways it has been a busy couple of days.

I've completed all the study learning activities that I had to do this week and I have to sit myself down and do some more reading out of the textbook when I've got a bit more time. Things are starting to really pull together there.

Yesteray I had an email from the person who is in charge of dealing with my Credit Transfer/RPL in regards to the degree I want to enrol into and register for stating that from the information I had provided him with it looked like I could get credit for six (6) subjects. He told me to scan my transcript from my old university and send it to him so that he could make sure because he would have to check the universities subject details and so forth, and that would give him a fully accurate listing. So this morning I went and found somewhere that could scan it to PDF and then I emailed it through to him. Now all I have to do is hope that enough of the subjects line up and that he can work it all out. To be honest, I'd be happy with three or four subjects as credit, but six would be amazing.

The place that I went to for the scanning have a dog and that dog is absolutely amazing. He's a big, black ... something. I know the breed but I just can't think of it. He's definitely very tame. The only thing he was interested in with me was licking me to death lol. I gave him lots of pats and then he left me alone. I even patted him when I walked out the door. He was absolutely gorgeous, and definitely well cared for. Mind you, there should probably be a sign on the door for those who don't like dogs ...

A couple of weeks ago I'd taken my mobile back to Vodafone (again) because it was still f*cking up and when I was getting my washing off the line today I got a call saying it was ready to be picked up. So I walked down to the big shopping centre (2.5 km walk each way) just to pick up my phone. How exciting. Then back home again.

I have to admit I crashed out for a bit when I got home. I was just exhausted at that point. I'm still all achy and tired now. I really could curl up and go to sleep again. It's just been such a long day. So.damn.tired...

[crazykat]

Just wanted to let you know I am reading *hugs lots*

[Kahlia1981]

*sigh* I've got a cold/flu thing and it's driving me nuts. The pharmacist wouldn't give me the medication I wanted for it. My housemate had some Nurofen Cold & Flu and since I've taken those my nose has stopped running and I've stopped sneezing - which is nice - unlike what the pharmacist gave me.

We walked up to the shops this morning to get tobacco and the lady UNDERcharged me. I'm going to have to go up there on Monday and tell them. It's a big undercharge. Like ... massive. $20 instead of $100 or something. I didn't notice until I was checking online banking a bit earlier on.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. They had me at yet another address in another one of their books. I have to get a referral from my GP before I go back in 2 weeks. My psychiatrist could see stuff wasn't quite right with me, but even he couldn't work out what was going on. He said that maybe in 5 or 10 years he would have talked to me enough to be able to disect what was going on in my mind. I mentioned that to my housemate and he said it was because I was intelligent and therefore difficult to manipulate. It was kind of weird. But at least my doctor filled in my disability paperwork for Monash so I can send that off on Monday and they can organise things for my exams.

I've put a little bit of a halt on my studies because I've been feeling sick. I didn't want to but it just sort of happened - I do feel like I've been hit by a truck - but I just did the "pre-test" for Chapter 1. I got 27/28 and 96.4%. Not too shoddy considering how crap I'm feeling. That gave me only a couple of things to work on for one Learning Objective so I've got only a few things to look at there. It's kind of good to know that my reading has paid off with that.

I've got to interview a manager on Monday and at this rate I'm going to be wearing a mask so that I don't infect him or any of his staff. *sigh* I'm such a piece of ****. I always get sick when I can't afford to.

My eating, or more precisely not eating, is starting to get back on track after an intensely MASSIVE binge on Thursday. I think that might have been due to the dreaded "time of the month" getting prepared to start. It really upset and distressed me. I just couldn't seem to stop eating! Now I'm back to barely eating and that makes me happy. Hopefully the scales will give me some good news in the morning and Mr Anorexic Mindset and I will play nicely for quite some time to come.

Ha, even one of the administration officers at the psych ward noticed my weight loss and openly commented on it yesterday. Now just half my body weight to lose. Ha.

I really am falling apart emotionally. I keep thinking of suicide and am starting to plan the best way to do it. My housemate has told me he never wants to clean up after a hanging - he should try it ... a whole new perspective on life - so I've been running ways and means through my head and indulging in "suicide fantasies". The urge to OD and to SI is getting stronger and stronger ....

I think I'm falling to pieces and like humpty-dumpty there's no way to put the pieces back together ...

[Kahlia1981]

No-one can see me ... I guess that's good ...

I went with my housemate and bought some new clothes today. Some new clothes to "celebrate' the fact that I have lost weight. It felt good trying on all the clothes, especially when they all fit and they all looked really good. My housemate did most of the choosing for me. I showed him a couple of things that I liked and we even managed to find some of them in my size. But then I got depressed .... looking at buying some new underwear and I could only get the styles I can wear in black and I wanted either flesh or a light colour. So I started to feel depressed and stressed and like SI was the best option.

I binged like hell today AGAIN. I just can't seem to stop. I don't know what to do. Maybe I've forgotten some medication or something or my levels aren't right, or maybe it's because I'm sick and feeling sorry for myself. I really don't know anymore.

So confused . . .

Last night I didn't really sleep. I kind of half-dozed. I was going in and out of sleep and started thinking of all sorts of things. I acted on one of them this morning, so am going with my parents to a rehearsal for Theatre Restaurant tomorrow night.

I have that interview with a manager tomorrow. I now have nice new clothes to wear so that I look nice and neat and presentable and can happily chat away to him. I just hope that I don't have to wear a mask so that I don't infect him and his staff. *sigh*

Just once in my life I would like things to go right. Just once. Is that too much to ask?

[crazykat]

*Hugs* Thinking of you, hope you feel better soon

[Kahlia1981]

*hugs Kat* - Thanks sweetheart.

Well this morning we (me and my housemate) walked the 2.5km (each way) to the big shopping centre to tell the tobacconist they had undercharged me. The poor lady couldn't work out what she had done because the till had balanced. She worked out that she had only scanned one of my tobacco pouches. She then scanned and charged me for the other three - but there has been a price increase since I originally came in so she gave me the difference (plus $1 worth) of papers. She was really impressed with my honesty about it.

While at the shopping centre I bought an envelope pre-stamped (a whole $0.75 what a rip-off) and organised for my information for the Disability Liaison Unit at Monash to be posted. It took awhile because the address is quite long and my hands were shaking, but at least it'll be in either a late post today or tomorrow's post. It's out of my hands and off my desk anyway.

On the way back we stopped into our pharmacy to get my medications - including my split-script. Thankfully that wasn't too much of a hassle. The biggest concern for them seemed to be that they didn't know where to put the other half of the split-script medication. *bangs palm to head* Sometimes I really don't know. I mean, they must have had at least one case of this before, right?

When we got home I got a little bit of a relax before it was time to have a shower and then get myself all dressed up to go and interview the manager. After the changing came the xanax which my psychiatrist has told me I'm only allowed to take half a tablet now - 1mg. While getting all my stuff together I remembered that I had to ask an extra four questions which were hidden in my Unit Outline, so I had to search for those, find a book that didn't look too shabby to write them in - and my handwriting was absolutely disgusting because I was in a hurry by then - collect all my paperwork - four pages + book + textbook - grab a pen, remember to breathe and, after putting on shoes, head down to the bus stop.

The bus trip was good. The driver was one I have previously rung the company to compliment. I arrived and walked happily down to the building and walked in to surprise the receptionist. The manager and I seemed to be the only ones who knew I was going to be there ... *shrugs* Anyway, the interview went really well. We also talked a lot about me and what my studies were and how they were progressing. It was very interesting and ... uplifting ... almost.

Now I'm home and I've completed the Compulsory but not marked Assessment piece - basically logging the information from the interview into the electronic database the university tells us to log it into. *sigh* Now it just leaves us to prepare for Assignment 1 (an essay) and do all sorts of other activities on Academic Writing and so forth. What fun </sarcasm>

My chest hurts all the time now but especially when I breathe or cough. I'm coughing up quite a bit of phlegm and the colour is ... not boding well. I really have to make an appointment with a GP. It could be a chest infection with a possibility of pneumonia. Yay. Just what I need right now. My fault I suppose for being a bad person.

[crazykat]

*Cuddles lots* Glad the interview went well, hope your feeling better soon

[Kahlia1981]

*cuddles Kat* Thanks sweetheart.

Yesterday morning I got a call from Pain Management to come in for an appointment with their psychologist at midday. It kind of mucked around with all my plans for the day, but I got myself through the shower and headed down to the bus stop.

The psychologist was pretty good. She had to ask me a whole heap of questions and was supposed to get me to fill in a DASS form but decided just to ask me how I was with Depression and Anxiety instead. She made a note of the Agoraphobia and said she'd pass that on to the team so that hopefully they'd make a note of it when making appointments. We talked about my suicide risk and she ended up listing me as high because I was/am making plans. I told her there was no risk but she asked me what my "plan of the moment" was and when I told her she looked a bit concerned. She wants me to tell my psychiatrist about it ... she said that if I wasn't going to she would have to. I'm not going to, but I told her I would. I hate doing that but my psychiatrist doesn't need to know. Anyway when I told her some of the reasons I hate the Mental Health services she commented that I wasn't the first person to tell her that. She said that she is completely independent and gave me a card with her name on it so I can "have someone to talk to if necessary". I thought that was kind of cool.

I got more uni stuff done yesterday, but not as much as I would have liked. *sigh* There just never seems to be enough time to get things done. Life always moves at a pace that just seems unwise. I did however help some people, and help the tutor of my uni subject become aware of an error in some of our reference material so she could inform the co-ordinator and they could make the necessary changes for future students.

I also ate way too much yesterday... Two whole meals too much. We did watch an okay movie though. From Paris with Love I think it was. *shrugs* Meh. It was okay.

I just got back from a trip to the place I got my mobile and organised my phone contract. I rang them earlier because my mobile had once again displayed the "possession" bugs it's already been sent away to be serviced for. Anyway when I rang them they said I had to go into the store, so I went into the store. I asked to speak to the Manager there and explained the situation. She went and researched and got the paperwork I hadn't been able to find and got me a reasonable-ish result. The result is that a replacement phone of a different brand is being sent to my home address with a return paid envelope-satchely thing into which I place my old phone for return to the company.

While I was explaining the situation to the Manager a friend-ish person came up. She was going to ask me to go for coffee but instead went and got me one and sat and talked with me while awaiting the outcome. It did help pass the time kind of okay-ish. I just wish I had been able to have the phone I wanted, but with the choices I had ...

Now I have a massive headache and I really just want to kill myself . . .

[Kahlia1981]

Well I went to the doctor yesterday .... that was fun. I got a whole heap of scripts that I needed. And a couple that I was not expecting. I talked to him about my cough that's been there for a week or so now. I told him about all of it the pain when I breathe, the cough happenning when I sleep and waking me up as opposed to me waking up and then starting coughing. Also the phlegm that I'm producing and so forth. I told him that I wasn't concerned that it was bacterial. He did the usual sorts of tests - look at the throat/tongue, listen to the breathing and listen to the chest and so forth. He was also lucky enough to hear me cough. Anyway the long and short of it is that he put me on antibiotics and a short-course of prednisone - a steroid - to help me to get through it all. Lots of fun.

*sigh*

My book that I pre-ordered arrived today, but the problem is that they sent me the Hardcover instead of the Paperback. I am 100% sure that I had pre-ordered the paperback - and the link used to take me to the paperback up until the paperback link started showing as "Out of Stock". I thought nothing of it at that point, and now I'm regretting it. I've sent them all the relevant details regarding it this morning and hopefully something will get worked out because I ordered the paperback and I damn well want the paperback. If something went wrong with their system that isn't my fault and a hardcover is NOT what I ordered. Sorry, a touchy subject. Mind you, this is the first ever problem I have had with them so we'll just wait and see what they come back with.

Just so, so tired. And so damn over it all.

[Kahlia1981]

Things have been "massively fun" around here lately ...

The good news:

I got a replacement phone on Friday last week and it works perfectly. Now I'm just sitting here waiting for the courier company to come and pick up the satchel with the old one in it. They still have two hours in which to come.

My housemate is okay after his trip to hospital on Friday - but we're both taking a bit of time to get "back on our feet". He is getting used to the new AP and his stomach is still a bit ... unsteady ... but other than a little touch of psychosis he is doing okay.

My youngest niece got second, and my nephew (different parents) got third in a photography section in the local Eisteddfod. The section was for like Grade 4 and under I believe and my nephew is in Grade 1 and my niece isn't even in Prep yet. I loved her photo because it was a picture of my little girl - the miniature schnauzer - who I had to put down last year.

Uni is still going well and things at home aren't too bad with me managing to work out how to sleep again and so forth. I also managed to do all the stuff I needed to do such as my washing and getting my medications and making sure that I am getting some exercise and so forth.

The bad news:

Dealing with social security right now is a biatch. They sent me a form to fill in with a question that wasn't easy to fill in so I rang up and asked them how to fill it in. I answered it how they said to answer it and made sure that I kept a copy - which I'm now really glad that I did. I got a letter just last week asking me to provide full Academic Records from ALL my university studies with inclusive reasons why I had dropped out and so forth. Oh, and when I say all, I mean all. They want an academic record for the subject I am currently enrolled in - despite the fact that it is only week 3 and there have been no exams or assessments or anything finalised. So I was ringing everyone trying to find out how to appease them and I have just gotten together as much information as I can - my past academic records, the information I gave them with the original form, the statements as to why I didn't complete (try disability), the progression in the current course and am just waiting for the uni facilitator to send me more information including a confirmation of enrolment and hopefully some paperwork on how the study year and workload work out because I think that is where their sticking point is.

Grrrr...... I feel like I need a bath after even thinking about dealing with them ...

[Kahlia1981]

Trying hard to get myself back on track now.

So far today I've read 3 chapters of my textbook, leaving 5 chapters to go. I'm giving myself a bit of a break at the moment and then I'll decide what I'm going to do next.

My old phone is gonski's back to the company. The groceries arrive this afternoon and hopefully all the other "loose ends" will start settling down.

Not feelings so bad physically as well - my cough has settled quite a bit which is good.

Hopefully things will continue kind of like this *crosses fingers*

[Kahlia1981]

Well as an early morning catch up to where we are now ... it's been an interesting few days.

On the study front: I'm still forging ahead. I've finished reading the textbook and am now back to chapter 1 for the more indepth re-read and "flesh through". I'm also writing a plan for the essay that forms assignment 1 and looking for relevant journal articles and pieces from the textbook to help me and have used the assessment default document that I set up that contains all that formatting requirements and so forth to create (and correctly name) the actual assessment. I'm still searching for journal articles but I have quite a few to help me so I'm not taking it lying down.

Medically: I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday and we've made more changes to the medication. This time we've decided to up the dose of the clomipramine (Anafranil) to add a 25mg tablet in the morning in the hope that it will wipe out the "dead period" that I get in the mid-to-late afternoon otherwise. During that time period I'm otherwise not covered no matter how much xanax I take due to the half life of the anafranil, so it seemed like an okay plan. It's a bit of wait and see. The next time I see the psychiatrist we're going to be talking about (carefully) dropping the dosage of the xanax.

Today I go to see the GP. Today is my last day on the antibiotics and my cough is still there. It's nowhere near as bad as it was but it still takes quite a bit out of me. I have to catch a bus there as the courtesy bus is in getting a service. I was supposed to go in there yesterday with the courtesy bus picking me up to go as a "walk in" but when the bus hadn't turned up by 14:30 I knew he wouldn't be coming because he finished at 15:00 so I rang and made an appointment. It was just a royal pain in the arse because I really wanted to go for a rest and didn't because I was expecting the bus and then it didn't show. Not that I'm blaming the driver because it wouldn't have been his fault. It would have been the fault of the receptionists at the clinic for either not ringing him or forgetting or the like.

Other: A good friend rang me yesterday and when I tried to answer she hung up. I sent her a text and a bit later rang to check it she was okay. Last night she rang and had a chat. A friend of hers had committed suicide and she was in a bit of a state. Although I was not glad to hear about her friend, I was glad that she felt able to talk to me about it - that she knew she would be able to get gentle, loving support that wouldn't push her to go further than she wanted to. I just made sure that she knew that she could count on me and my housemate if she needed us.

We lost our internet for a while yesterday. Because we hadn't received an invoice we didn't have money in the billpaying account so, even though our account was in credit, they shut our internet off. The funny thing about that was that we needed the internet to transfer money over so that we could pay the bill! Now that we know what we are expecting we're organising it to all happen auto-magickally. Hopefully that will never happen again. I have to say it was incredibly distressing and I thought I was going crazy .... or should that be crazier??

Speaking of internet ... now I have to go and work out how my email accounts and so forth organise their email traffic so that my housemate can set up the firewall and packet filters appropriately. *sigh* No rest for the wicked as they say.

[Kahlia1981]

The GP visit went really well. He checked out my shoulder and told me I had chronic bursitis and described to me exactly where my pain is and what movements made it hurt. He did a few movement and so forth tests. He wasn't surprised by what I said. He was surprised by how far I'd gotten through with the Pain Management team. He was asking whether I was with a doctor or a nurse and when I said I hadn't gotten that far he wanted to know the pathway I'd taken.

Anyway on the chest infection side of things he decided not to prescribe another round of antibiotics on the grounds that the cough was most likely residual. He said that coughs and the like were often the last to let go and could hang on for a couple of weeks after the infection were gone. I wasn't unhappy with that result I will have to confess because that meant that tonight's antibiotic was the final one.

I ended up catching the bus into the city TAFE campus to catch up with my housemate for a coffee before catching a bus back to the pharmacy and getting all my medications and walking home. It made for an interesting couple of bus trips because the one from the shopping centre into town for some reason or another, most likely extreme lateness, was transformed into an express bus that did not stop unless a passenger wanted to get off.

Next time I see my psychiatrist I think I'm going to have an argument with him. I'm going to tell him that one of my medications is going to be stopped because there is no reason for me to be on it as I am on another medication that serves the same purpose. Also the goal was to reduce the number of tablets that I am taking each day for psych purposes and instead we have increased them by a significant number. Because of this it is getting harder for me to keep taking the medications and I do want to remain compliant so something has to be done. When I told my housemate what I was going to do he literally freaked out ... I think he thinks the medications is doing something. I know it isn't so it doesn't concern me.

Oh well.