People do care, but the thread just seems quiet, alot of people are in the process of going away to uni and that, just because there isbnt a fast reply doesnt mean people dont care.
Hopefully i will be around more since im getting my internet sorted, so feel free to pm
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I'm pulling away from the thread, and similar ones I post on, because I recognise a lot of 'me' in other people, and I really don't like the BPD traits that I show.
I'm still waiting for my second opinion, I don't agree with my diagnosis of BPD, Bulimia and Dystimia and possible Bi-Polar.
My CPN thinks I've got Severe Depression, OCD, GAD and possible PTSD. That sounds more likely to me.
Still waiting for treatment though. Had a couple of taster sessions of art therapy, but I think they are going to say it isn't suitable. It doesn't feel suitable.
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
well i am 28 now i was diagnosed when I was 17 told the doc she didn't know what she was talking about and left.....only after 175 failed relationships over 250 sexual partners male and female....drug induced strokes.....3 children I'll never see again......and a list of physical altercations did I finally research the disorder and get some help i was 22....james my boyfriend of almost 7 yrs has been a rock no matter how many times I've told him I hated him or hit him he has been there beside me....he absolutely will not give up on me.......in 04 we had a daughter she is such a blessing.....but at the same time such a challenge to my disorder.......I spend a lot of time taking deep breathes and counting to 10.......james has been out of town with work for almost 2 months I won't see him 3 more weeks......it has proving to be hard my paranoia gets the better of me I will call him at yell at him because in my mind he has another person with him...more deserving of him than me......I have never been alone this long in my entire life it's really hard.......and my daughter needs so much from me.....I feel so drained and overwhelmed......the messed up part is knowing I'm doing this to myself....you know It's my mind making me this way.......no matter how much I tell myself to get a grip it doesn't stop me from snapping at people for doing things most people wouldn't think twice about
Last edited by blueprzm : 09-09-2008 at 09:29 PM.
Reason: misspelled a word
well i am 28 now i was diagnosed when I was 17 told the doc she didn't know what she was talking about and left.....only after 175 failed relationships over 250 sexual partners male and female....drug induced strokes.....3 children I'll never see again......and a list of physical altercations did I finally research the disorder and get some help i was 22....james my boyfriend of almost 7 yrs has been a rock no matter how many times I've told him I hated him or hit him he has been there beside me....he absolutely will not give up on me.......in 04 we had a daughter she is such a blessing.....but at the same time such a challenge to my disorder.......I spend a lot of time taking deep breathes and counting to 10.......james has been out of town with work for almost 2 months I won't see him 3 more weeks......it has proving to be hard my paranoia gets the better of me I will call him at yell at him because in my mind he has another person with him...more deserving of him than me......I have never been alone this long in my entire life it's really hard.......and my daughter needs so much from me.....I feel so drained and overwhelmed......the messed up part is knowing I'm doing this to myself....you know It's my mind making me this way.......no matter how much I tell myself to get a grip it doesn't stop me from snapping at people for doing things most people wouldn't think twice about
Sounds like you've been through abvsolute hell, you're not on your own though, relationships are so hard with BDP - I assume that's what you've been diagnosed with? All of mine have been totaly unhealthy (all because of me) and I'm scared of trying to get involved again, don't think I can take the rejection again.
James sounds special though, 3 weeks and he'll be back again. Try and focus and look forward to that.
I know you think you're 'doing this to yourself' but you have an illness just like if it were a physical illness, it's not your fault, but I know it doesn't feel like that.
thanks ultra yes i have bpd i haven't had a regular therapist since James and i got together we travel with his work being in a different place every week.....so regular therapy proved to be impossible......when i was on the drugs they made me so sleepy and for lack of a better word disassociated with myself having a young child that just seemed dangerous to me i was doing well with hobbies but i didn't go with him in June i am in charge of house hunting our daughter starts school next year so i have to put down roots i feel abandoned left behind it sucks i don't want to feel this way i called the therapist I had she told me I should find a group meeting to go to but I'm not for the whole circle thing it's just not me a friend of mine told me about this site so I'm gonna try it I am currently researching therapist in the area
Last edited by blueprzm : 10-09-2008 at 01:13 AM.
Reason: misspelled a word
I am paranoid constantly, my latest paranoia is that some one is intercepting my post and that DWP were investigating me cause i had not recieved a wage slip through the post so i thought they had taken it to investigate me. Also my partner is having an affair, i keep getting phonecalls in the morning and someone puts it down,but he just says thats telemarketing people,he goes to badminton on Tuesday and i am convinced he is sleeping with his secretary. I am convinced that my mental health team are trying to punish by not giving me meds.
I am always angry, it never stops.
I am always misenterpreting what people are saying to me. I have fell out with my family yet again although this time i think they deserve it.
All i wanna do is go out get wasted be free and resume past behaviours.
I hate being told what to do and i feel suffocated by my serious relationship. I just feel like everyone is out there to punish me.
I have voices that scream horrible things to me when i am stressed and tell me to do horrible things to myself.
wow and it just goes on.
I feel angry so i shout,then i feel guilty cause i shouted, then i feel lonely cause ive shouted and feel guilty so then i feel hurt and depressed then i feel trapped on this planet like i dont belong here.
It doesn't necessarily stop, but with awareness and understanding, it can slow down.
I understand the deep insecurity that can be beneath such paranoia/severe anxiety.
i understand all to well about the paranoia. after 6 yrs I still look through my mans phone from time to time....which is good considering it used to be everyday.....once i found there was never any discrepancy my paranoia eased up
Last weeks paranoia is passing so just wondering what crazy thoughts may go through my mind next.
I am 33 now and its harder than ever.
Treatment where i am takes so long, its a years wait for psychotherapy, i may not get the funding for residential stay at main house even though thats whats reccomended. Ive started self harm group but had an anxiety attack on my first day. I know what the problems are but when they are happening i am so absorbed in that feeling at that moment that i cant see whats going on.
how do you move on, how can i identify whats going on when its going on.
And does anyone else feel like they are on an emotional rollercoaster ride when they watch disney films. Sound silly but they really emotionally affect me. I know its not disney but does watership down send anyone into a breakdown. I get so engrossed i actually feel like the films are real.
I'm cool with movies but the grocery store is a whole other story....It's not the shopping part but the checkout line everyone standing there looking around I feel like all eyes on me......I'll start to sweat it's nerve racking but only when I'm alone if someone is with me I'm fine...does that ever happen to any of you guys
Que's at the checkout are terrifying for me, theres someone behind me and they could be watching me, the people infront are talking about me its awful. Watership down makes me sob everytime :) *hugs to all that want them*
jenniferlea, where do you live? do you think it would be helpful if you write to your commissioners along with your care team's reports, about what your difficulties are and what you'd like from Main House? (i stayed there and it's really helpful, btw. they're good people.) i think that perhaps if you were at Main House currently, they would recommend having your own opinion and your own voice be heard. could be wrong though, i know the whole funding thing is terribly stressful, i think i waited about fifteen months for mine. xxx
p.s. also, Disney films, yes, they are devastating some of them. i tend to watch Pixar now because they're not nearly as hard. i can't watch Dumbo. or Bambi or the Lion King lol (basically any with animals).
I think we will be appealing with supporting letters ans things cause i really need to be there.
Lion king kills me, i started watching it not knowing what was going to happen and it left me devestated.
I think everyone is going to fight the upcoming descision from the commisioners and hopefully we might win.
I reread the assessment letter the other day from doctor doyle and it said i also have avoidant traits. But then they said i had borderline traits and it was diagnosed.
