I refuse to message you first, I just want to know that you want me around, even if its just as a friend, I just want to know that I matter because I just don't know anymore.
Well she tries and she tries
But my feet just wont leave the ground
And I'm tired and I'm tired
Of this prisoners life, and these chains
That drag me down
Good luck today, I feel like a horrible friend for not messaging you and telling you that and that I have been praying for you, I hope you know in your heart that I still care.
I want you to understand it's not easy for me to not binge, purge, starve. I feel like I'm failing therapy, I know I have good support but you make it sound easy so I lied for the first time to you, I'm afraid of growing up, I'm so scared to look after myself, I'm purging loads, I am going to go to that resedential treatment centre. You think I'm fine, because I smile in sessions? I hide it so well, my binges are really HUGE. I need you to know.
I'm addicted.
Do I need medication? Are days like this just a bad day, or do I really have a problem? I'm always toying with this. But I don't want to be 'on' something.
I remember what you said when we were fifteen about it killing you. But you're still on medication today, and you seem to benefit from it. You said you didn't want to go off of it. Then again, we both still have this affinity for slitting our wrists, which is going to make me look fantabulous in a strapless wedding dress. Grrr.
I don't want to be like everyone else in my family. I can't even seem to focus on all the things that make me unique there, because I feel exactly the same sometimes. I don't believe that blood tells. I'm not even completely convinced they're really related to me. I'm just afraid of being trapped.
And another thing. How can I act like this sometimes, and act like a narcissist at others? So insanely arrogant and confident. And how would I even be medicated for all that at once? I don't even know if anything like that is necessary or would benefit me, so why the hell am I sitting here theorizing about it?
Plus, if those things stopped, I wouldn't even be like myself. Reste integre toi-meme. I want to do that.
I can't stop sleeping. I'm so sick of people, other than a small handful. I just don't want to interact with them anymore.
AND THEN, just to add, I sit here all mopey and philosophical, when I am in fact the most blessed person on this planet, sometimes. I mean for god's sake just look at it all.
You forgot about me. And I really miss you. I remember you made me feel wanted, even though I was going through the worst time of my life. All those lovely things you said... I get reminded of you every time I play that CD.
You didn't once ask how I was.
And every time you start a sentance with "like I said" it makes me want to talk to less. Don't be so fucking patronising.
I'm trying to get us back to normal, but I can't trust you to stick around.
Oh, and fuck off if you think you're coming to Mexico. No, just no.
I swear to god, if I am yelled at again, I'm going to go insane. I do NOT enjoy you bringing her up, mom. So what if what I went through isn't what like Sara is going through? I still loved her, the same as Sara loves her husband. No, we weren't together very long; yes, it fucked me up. Yeah, that makes me a bit of a hypocrite since I'm trying to tell my sis not to do the same things that I did. I don't care though, I know what kind of hell I lived through and I don't want that for her. She deserves better.
How many times have I heard that said to me? How many times have I not listened? This all just brings up horrible memories that I wish I could erase. I spend some nights--STILL--crying and thinking and trying to recover from something that happened to me in what seems like a lifetime ago. Everything that I worked for; everything and everyone that I lost for her....gone.
Location: In a glass vial in the pocket of a beautiful mind.
I am currently:
I have never been so close to truly hurting someone in all my life. I have never been so blinded by fury. Cross me. See how far I'll go.
rhap·so·dy - an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm. ♫
"Sacrifice is the most you can love someone." ♥
“Love was at best an excuse for stupidity, at worst a destructive, dangerous emotion that drove men to acts of annihilation which defied logic. It was a twisted, insidious sentiment used to justify everything from spoiling a child to destroying entire civilizations.”
I wish I had the courage to do it. I am trying to build myself up to it because I just can't deal with the thoughts and just this empty feeling. I need something but I don't know what. It isn't friends, family, uni, hobbies, work....it's just a lonely, empty void inside me and I can't keep doing this. I have had enough. I have said it so many times recently but it's the truth. I am scared that tomorrow when I ask you for help, you will refuse and then I don't know what I will do.
for the first time...it actually feels like this will kill me...
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
