Just saw our therapist. It was a good session.
Feeling in denial about abuse (the dad) though. Haven't been through the denial thing for quite a while. Ugh.
"How could he hurt us? He was such a great dad and did so much fun stuff with us! We must have been so angry with him to make up the abuse story."
This is going around our head... And we've got so many alternate explanations for things that happened. Wd can't work out what is real.
We're feeling so guilty for ruining his life. Taking away his kid (us) estranging him from his family (except his mum who doesn't know) and forcing him to another state...
BB - I can really relate to what you are saying. It's really hard when you begin doubting yourself.
Visited a residential program I used to live at. It had been 6 months since I had seen anyone. It was okay, a little disturbing..but it was alright
Then I got hit on by a guy at a gas station. He stared at me from inside the store, then came outside and stared, then got in his car, whisteld at me, and said "what's up, sweetheart?" got all cold and hot at the same time and started shaking, but got in the car calmly and drove off, ignoring him. didn't respond, didn't look. Feel pretty proud o myself.
We've been put back majorly in the whole trust/talking aspect >< To cut a long story short, I've been abruptly discharged from the psychologist and she basically belittled everything we told her, made my mum burst out crying with being so blunt, etc. It took a lot as a system and as individuals (because some are very untrusting and fight opening up) to talk to her so it's put everything back quite a lot. Been refered on to a new service and apparently "the right people" but still..
Anyone else found changes difficult like that? Did anything help?
I hope that it is alright for myself to post in here. I have not actually been diagnosed with dissociation/depersonalisation, but I have started to suspect that I mgiht have one or the other.
I have tendencies to fall into a complete lack of emotion, become 'void', so to speak [as I currently am now], but more than that, it changes my entire personality. The way that I speak, it is a lot colder, more aloof, distant, possibly even uncaring. When I am properly 'myself' again, it can be a little worrying.
It started happening a lot due to a grotesque amount of circumstancial stress, and one of my friends thinks that today's round in the void might have been caused by the fact that I have been thinking a lot about my sister as of late [who died three and a half years ago].
I have mentioned this to my doctor, who basically brushed it off and told me to consider it a good thing after telling him that no, I do not get violent when void. I am seeing him again in a few weeks' time and plan to discuss it again with him.
Katrica has already given me her opinion on the void, as has a non RYL friend with DID, and she seems to think that if this continues [and she outright referred to it as dissociation], then there is a risk of me splitting. The reason I post this is because I would like as many opinions as possible. I hope that is alright
Definitely speak with your Dr about it, see what he thinks.
In the meantime, could you explain more about what the void feels like for you?
What is it like when you come to?
Are there things that trigger the void?
Can you bring yourself out of it?
We find it helpful to just get as much information as we can on something we experience, it then takes away some of the element of the unknown.
We would say there is absolutely no risk of you 'splitting' if you mean creating alters/parts. But dissociation on any level can be distressing and we'd encourage you to speak with your Dr about it.
People develop DID pre age 5, the human psyche cannot 'split' or fracture after 5-7 years of age. The brain is not flexible enough.
Anyway
We're going to go, but will check back in later.
P.S
10 hours of heavy drinking makes for a bad day after....
Last edited by bleeding black : 16-03-2009 at 05:14 AM.
Reason: edit/adding
Well, it's literally nothingness. I'm out of it now (although I keep getting moments where I feel spacey again, so I'm tryna keep myself busy), but I just sort of feel like I'm on autopilot, a dead shell. Not really sort of living but more like existing. I don't recall anything triggering it off; as I said before when it first started happening, I was under a lot of stress, but more specific than that? I've not really noticed owt. This is the first time I've fully come out of it without going to sleep first. It just gradually started to wear off, a couple of friends were gradually making me laugh, and eventually I started to properly regain emotion, if that makes sense. But other than that, I only came out of it by going to bed o.o;.
And o.O really? I didn't know that. I'll admit that I need to do a bit more research about dissociative disorders; I thought they could be developed at any age .
And damn, ouch o__o; hope you don't feel too bad after all that!
There is a very broad spectrum of dissociative disorders, so if that is the case with you, it could fall anywhere really, but I just want to echo what BB said - "splitting" occurs in early childhood.
I think it is worth mentioning to a professional, and sorry my reply wasn't very helpful. Feel free to pm me if you want an understanding ear, etc.
ps - I hope everyone is doing okay. Kind of in a bad space tonihgt.
Yeah, that first bit I think was part of what Kat said earlier. Just a random thought, but is it possible - if someone was to split - for them not to actually realise it at first? Like, for a long time think that it won't happen to them, and then, due to stress or something, they discover another part of themself? Not really sure why I just thought of that, tbh, guess I'm just trying to understand. My own issues/hypochrondria aside, I have several friends with alters, so, yeah
In my experience (I've been diagnosed with DID) I was not aware of my alters. I just had enormous chunks of memory missing from my whole life. I became aware when I found different handwriting in my notebooks, SH wounds I didn't remember making, etc. I expressed my confusion to my professionals and it took a long time before all of them excluded everything else and told me it was DID.
As my therapist puts it, "everyone has different "parts" of themselves, but that doesn't mean they are different "people" if that makes any sense.
And I'm not sure if that answered your question...I'm sorry, I'm horrible at responses today for some reason
Anyone can dissociate, you don't need to have 'split' at an early age to dissociate, the spectrum is very broad like Facet said.
What you described, no. Like we said before, splitting occurs pre age 5/7 and cannot happen (psychologically impossible) later in life.
Be careful about the information you read, it may be a load of bull, i'll find a decent site for you. Will post back later.
P.S you know what they say, 'hair of the dog' most likely going to do it all again tonight.
DID develops like this:
Say a young (young 7years and below) child is being abused.
Say its sexually, extreme and painfiul.
Say it has happened quite a few times before.
Say the past couple of times the child just shut out what was happening, the child pretends they are somewhere else.
Say it keeps happening and the child, even in this 'dissociated state' cannopt handle it.
If the emtoional and psychological pain is so intense, that the psyche cannot handle it, it will split, creating a sort of 'blank template' part of the child, that will take the abuse and hold it, keeping it seperate from the other child, so they can function without knowledge of the abuse.....
This is how "alters" are created, the original child is so incredibly traumatized that they cannot possibly handle the abusive situation. The psychological or physical pain is so great or so contradictory that it cannot be held in the same mind-frame.
(will write more later.. too drunk, sick of correcting spelling mistakes)
Last edited by bleeding black : 16-03-2009 at 02:14 PM.
Reason: more information.
Katrica, sometimes i think splits only become apparent sometimes when the trauma is over. i could be wrong. i don't have DID but i know the different people of my crew sometimes just came out in recent years, even though i've been dissociating since i was a child.
okay i did some research and asked around. the splits have to start pre age 7 and can continue from there. so you gotta have a first split at an early age. i think. i dunno.
I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no-one would listen, cos no-one else cared
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect but neither have you
O.o; Weird. Well, I'm not really too worried about the idea of having a split, but a DID friend of mine was, and thought that if I carried on slipping into the void, then the sectioned off part would end up taking on an identity of its own, so I thought at the very least, I ought to try and get a few opinions of it.
I have had sexual abuse in the past, but it was a) not all that severe (but seemed ****ing awful at the time), and b) when I was 12. Someone else suggested that I try and communicate with my 'other part' (I guess, the void me), using a notebook or something. And that person is actually a split themselves. So hm. I might try it, but I'll sort of feel like I'm writing to myself, lol
Ok, well its quite complicated. Like you didn't already get that :P
And every system is different, there is no cookie cutter criteria DID, but the way it begins is typical.
Once you start dissociating, at an early age, (and in DID; splitting) it becomes a structural dynamic within the child's personality. What i mean to say is that once a child dissociates to the point of a split, it becomes something that the child may do (completely unconsciously) at any time later in life, it becomes the childs way of managing stress/trauma. Compartmentalizing. So if you dissociated to the point of a split early in childhood (pre-age seven) you can then split later in life.
Kat, I'm sorry if we upset you, we didnt explain ourselves well....
Does they above make sense?
Sorry.. are you ok?
....And Laura, yeah most people i know with DID never knew about their alters until quite late in life. 50ish.
If the fundamentals of DID were successful, the multiple would never know that they had parts. Nor would anyone around them.
Hmm, haven't been here a while, things aren't great.
Haven't dissociated for the last two weeks, to my knowledge anyway.
But i've only been sober 2 days the last week which is also not great..
>.< I feel like i can't control my actions anymore, i'm always in a confused state of anger and amusement..if that even makes sense.
Gah!
I feel like i'm slowly loosing the plot, but i have a appointment on the 31st i think, i'm anxious, which just makes things harder 'cause i'll dissociate i know i will and i won't remember and and..
So really don't very much want to be me right now..
Kat,
Glad we didnt upset you....
How are you at the moment?
Hey there crazy chaotic mess.
I can relate to barely being sober. (this is ash host guy)
I've downed more than $150 worth of booze (mostly 43% alc vodka) Needless to say the body is struggling....
Do you know why you've been drinking so much?
Also, do you do distress tolerance or mindfulness? Those can help keep distress to a minimum, or distract from overwhelming feelings.
. 
