I am alive. I guess I am surviving. They've said the only way I can bring balance back to the universe for the deaths I have caused in the past is to die. All these things...anomolies...in the world are because I'm still alive. No one should pay for my mistakes.
You haven't caused the deaths; they are a terrible, tragic thing that happens, and I am so so sorry for what you've been through, but it isn't your fault.
None of this is your fault Katie.
Do you think you can talk to Adam about this?
Take care.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
It all just seems frivolous and everything I do is just...pointless. In the end it's all pointless. DBT is teaching me to stop being so impulsive...to logically think all of my actions through. Well, I have done. I have thought every logical conclusion and possibility through and my suicide isn't going to be a impulsive move. So, how is DBT going to 'fix' me if impulse isn't the underlying cause? So, why are they pushing it so much? It's clear I'm planning to kill myself; I've got a container full of fuel, I've slowly started introducing chemicals in my blood system to make the process work, I've written letters, I've made videos and I've pushed nearly everyone away. Simple as.
'They' don't care anyway. I haven't heard from my social worker since Thursday when my psych asked him to check in with me - when he told me he'd call me on Friday and Monday. Shocking isn't it? No. Not at all. I am not in the slightest bit shocked. The fact of the matter is quite simply that they don't care if I live or die. If they stop being a part of my life/my recovery they can't get any form of blame if I die.
I am officially crazy though; I've worked that much out for myself. Who says you need professionals for a diagnosis? Simple diagnosis; I AM CRAZY. Seeing things. Hearing things. Blacking out. Flashbacks. Nightmares. Sleepwalking. Paranoia. Confusion. Knowing the universe is only ever going to be balanced again when I die. C.R.A.Z.Y.
The anger. The pain. The fear. All of it. Too much. Building up. I can't stop this now. Not now.
I really cant undersand why a doc doesnt cal when they said or someone said hey will. obviously you need them and its nothing light. I really hope you dont try n kill yourself ever. Please. Things get crazy I know that think we all do but I have experienced such immense points it seems suicide is the only way out. Not tryin say kil yorself or anythin like that just sayin.. there are times no help can really help and we become lost. But Im always here for you. I so fuckin wish many times you werent in this rut. Sorry. *big squishes* Hope some of that made sense. I love you.
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Katie, please tell Adam or someone what you're planning.
I know you're hurting a lot right now, and I wish I could take that away, but you need to tell someone.
I'm am sorry that the professionals are letting you down. Is there anyway you and Adam can go to A&E and speak to the psych liaison team?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Didn't go to A&E. Friend mentioned it but I convinced her I was fine. I have DBT tomorrow with my psychiatrist. Gonna try to explain to him. Thing have taken a massive leap into crazytown. OCD. Suicide. Self-harm. Need something. Not sure what though.
Feel let down and useless. Really can't see carrying on. Gonna tell my psych tomorrow but is last chance. If I can't get support then I'm pretty much already dead.
I honestly, 100% believe that if I don't die the world is going to come to an end. I am the reason things keep happening. All the bad stuff in the universe is because me being alive is keeping the universe out of balance. Need to die if people are going to be able to live.
Hey Katie.
I know things are bad right now, but please try to be honest with the psych tomorrow, and tell him about the plan.
The bad stuff is awful, but it is not your fault honey.
Take care.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Gonna try. Not sure can. Nervous about DBT...dunno measurement of door or that windows are locked or how many feet from chair to door. Crazy. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I didn't tell him. He knew I was jittery because I couldn't stop shaking and pacing. I said I'd had a bad week but that was about it - that was only in the homework feedback in the group.
My social worker called as I was on the phone to my mum [about gardening - joys eh?] and left a message. Said he'd call me next week. Immense. He can try but there's only a slim chance I'm still gonna be alive to take his call. Oh dear. What a shame. It never helps anyway. He asks how I am. I tell him I'm suicidal and depressed and every other fucking thing I've been feeling for the last eleven years. He tells me to call crisis - who tell me to call him - and he calls me again in another week. Why bother anymore?
I have my first individual session of DBT tomorrow with the therapist from the group. Yes, I can probably inform her how bad I'm doing and she will get my social worker to call me - but she is first and foremost a DBT therapist so if I tell her I'm planning my suicide all she's gonna say is 'Try not to think of the future. Stay in the present'...well, considering I have 101 things to do before I die next week I kind of have to plan ahead. It's useless. I'm debating calling my social worker back because I'm really agitated and impulsive right now...but I'm scared to. I don't know what to say and I don't know how he can help; I don't want to reach out and have him not offer help again. I can't keep doing it. I don't know what to do. I can't stop shaking or pacing or anything.
Hey Katie.
Calling your social worker back sounds like a good idea if you can. I know it's difficult, and you feel like he's not listening, but I'm sure he wants you to be safe.
Take care.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I called him back. He told me 'the important thing is to make sure you stay safe'...but he didn't say how. He's gonna call me next week. My Fail [part two].
I'd really like to go one fucking week without so-called friends blaming me for other friends' suicides...is it really too much to ask. It seems to be in my life.
Not too many words or senseful things loatin i my brain atm but screaming is ok to do. really is good to do as well.
Sorry about the not understanding. really isstupid how they deal with things. wish i could help. let me know if i can do anything. pm always open. love you.
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Had my first individual DBT session today. Only half an hour instead of an hour because there was an emergency assessment who came in just before the appointment started and my therapist is the one on call. Someone needed her more than me, I guess.
Now, again, I have nothing ahead of me until Thursday's group DBT session. We're meant to be having a BBQ on Saturday for Adam's birthday; for now that's the only reason I haven't done anything - because I know how much it sucks to have the anniversary of someone's death near your birthday. Simple as. I can bide my time. For a little while. Make it more convenient for people.
I told the therapist that I'm self-harming worse than ever. That I was taking small overdoses every couple of days just to keep the voices at bay. I didn't tell her about the chemicals. I didn't tell her about my eating. I didn't tell her about the OCD. I should have...but I hate one-to-ones. I hate being the sole focus of someone's attention. I hate, hate, hate it. The agreement for this has been dated until 06/07/2013. I've just signed an agreement for a year of therapy. Great. I don't even plan on making it to the end of next week. I'm not cut out for this. Not at all. She asked me if I needed some form of bereavement support. For which death? Who am I still meant to be grieving for?
Lee blames me for Tom's suicide. He called asking me to visit Lucy in the psych ward. I told him I couldn't right now; I'm not strong enough and I don't want her to worry about me. I explained that I don't really have enough money to get to Manchester. Her dad is still in hospital following another heart attack and her mum is barely holding on through this lot of chemo...but I don't want to add to that. Seeing me isn't going to make her feel better...seeing me like this; the cuts, the burns, barely able to keep the tears away...it'll make her worry about me too. It would be bad for both of us. He didn't get that. He said I was turning my back on her. Letting her down; like I'd let Tom down. Said I was going to cause her suicide as well as his. I'm not doing that...I'm not trying to let her down. I'm trying to keep us both safer. I am one of the people who has a say in her care; with the hospital. Her dad signed it over to me when her mum got so much worse. I am trying to look out for her. The last thing I want EVER is to lose her. I know I'll never make it up for letting Tom down and letting him kill himself; but I'm trying to do right by everyone.
NOT your fault ANYONE has committed suicide. think of their life and their crap they have. they cant handle it just like right now youre struggling a lot. Please hang on. Was their choice to.
Hope lucy gets the help she needs and youre definitely NOT letting her down. Lee doesnt understand your predicament. Lucy understands more Im sure. Dont let lee get to you. Hope lucys family gets better too.
How do you think dbt went? doesnt mean they were more important. You are more important.
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
How are you doing today Katie?
Like BlackSuicide said, a suicide is not your fault. Suicide is only ever the decision of the Cerson who did it, and not of those around them.
Can you talk to Adam about this?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
