The Borderline Personality Disorder Thread

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Sarah - How are you feeling at the moment? Is there anyone you can talk to about the feeling of heading for a down? Do you know any ways to minimise the feelings? Keep talking to us if it helps, we're here for you!

Mari - we're here if you do feel like talking about it, but we understand it's too hard at the moment. **hugs**

Ferretmonster - don't worry about replying, it's enough that you read and that you're around when you feel you can be

Me - still feeling sad, but still at the same time happy and energetic. Wish my head would make it's mind up!!!!!

[youngatheart]

Rowie Yes, today is a new start :)
Mari If you do feel like talking we are herexx
Ash Sorry you are feeling sad but its a positive you are feeling energeitc, I hope that overcomes the sad!
Sarah You are so right with what you said about the harming. Is there anything you can do to make the downs any easier?
ferretmonster sometimes I get days when I cant really be supportive so no worries. its great you look inxx
Daniella did you go out last night? how was it?


what is eveyrone up to today?

[Hollz]

Hey all,

Again apologies I know that I haven't been around much past few months for everyone, really hope you are all doing okay.

The money I won is now on its way into my bank account, should have it by Wednesdayat the very latest looking forward to being able to buy and treat myself.I just need to make sure Idon't blow the whole 8k, but do intend to put a massive dent in it. I feel like I havestarved myself past three years of nice clothes, and things for me. Any money I've had, was just gambled away all the time more or less.

I do still want to gamble, been going to ga long enough now though to see the difference from those who have come through gambling addictions, and how much better they are for it. I've been going to ga and think I wasn't ready to stop even though I was going, I was getting lectures every week for gambling. Last Saturday 2nd January was my last bet, and heaven hopes I can remain strong and not be tempted.

At the moment I am happy with my lot. Happy to know I can pay of immediate arrears for trust deed and stuff which have built up last few months because I had been gambling again. I can get my laptop back (halleujah) I can get a hair cut and some highlights put in, I can buy a new wii and wii fit (previous ended up in cash converters) - I can resume my gym and weightwatcher memberships and buy some new clothes and stuff, smarten myself up so I don't look quite so scruffy.

Clothes wise, as I actively am back on the ewight loss wagon following a few months of lax activity, I'm going to be back on track as soon as I resume gym, so yes want to buy some clothes but will hold moey back till I can drop a size.

Treated my friend yesterday to hospatality at the footy, was a nice day and we won which was good, but sad as a friend who I know from the footy just collapsed and died on his way there yesterday, so that was a bit of a shock.

Went out on fri night with someone I know intially from ryl but is one of my best friends. I did say I wasnt going to drink, but ended up drinking and we went clubbing in Glsagow, rock music all night - it was great. However, I got turfed out about 2.00 by 3 bouncers as I was getting a bit 'too' intimate with some guy. We both got chucked out and he was like on the street, do you wanna come home with me just as my taxi came, and I was like no, I need my bed and got in the taxi.

I don't know that still shows marked impulsivity, but not going home with a random was a good positive step I guess. I kind of have this guy David who wants me, only met him once, all the times we arranged to meet, I have pulled out. He is a nice guy, I'm just nervous about being in a possible relationship. So meeting him Wednesday, so see how that goes.

I feel so lonely deep down, so something has to give, right? I was meant to be moving in with my best friend, Carri. Although she emailed me and said - I understand if you never wanna talk to me again, but I don't want to move in with you. Amongst other things I wanna move in with Ross (her bf) etc etc, please don't hate me.

I am not going to stand in her way for wanting to be with her boyfriend, if I was in a relationship I'd maybe want that too, it just made me feel lonely though, as I'm like now, who the hell wants to move in with me? The one person I did this with lastyear was my best friend and 12 months down the line, we aint spoke a civil word and he is an absolute ass, I got sentimental the other night and wrote an email about how I missed, him, he hasn't emailed back and I don't expectr him too.

I text mycousin to ask if she maybe fancied moving in with me as she is currently flat hunting, no reply. Am I really that bad?

Anyhow, I asked Carri what the other reasons were for her notwanting to move in besides Ross. Firstly, she doesn't trust me with money and not to control my gambling, she doesn't know abut the8k and would kill me regardless of the fact I won, but even though Ioffered my wages to go into her account directly - she don't trust me with money, fair enough.

Secondly and more worring for me I guess, she thinks I am beginning to become depandant on alcohol and after a few incidents in the last few onths, doesn't believe I can handle drink and I am drinking too much. She said I have lost two of myaunts as they were alcoholics by the time they were 50, and I don't wanna lose you two. I do not think I have a problem with drink in it's self. at times yeah I may ovr indulge, particularly when stressed. Main problem is thatI can the meds and alcohol don't agree and thats causing me to black out and do things I can't remember. Anyhow I told her I'd be more sensible.

Fact remains now though, stuck at home and I have money to move, but nobody but myselft move in with, and thats pretty pathetic I feel.

Anyhow, I hope I can turn things around a bit now, we'll see. Dayat a time. I wanna play football, play hockey and goto the gym. It is about time I learn to love myself and life and stop waking up every day thinking, oh great I am so unhappy. Life is what we make it I guess, and I really don't want 2010 to be a crap year, want it to be a year of change and one that I genuinely can feel happy.

We can all do it together, day at a time.

Carrie - I know have spoken to you by text, but just wanted to add how well I think you are doing, really proudof you and well done for your 4 weeks, I know you can keep it up, hope your enjoying your sisters and I shall speak to you soon

Mari - Deffo try and go for a drink sometime soon you free on Thursday night?

Hope everyone is doing okay, and I should be back on properly as of Thursday.

Take care everyone xxxxx

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Hollz - Hey there. I can see quite a bit of positivity in your post which I think is great Do you get any professional support with your gambling? Would that be an option for you if not? In terms of you feeling lonely, I can understand that, and I'm sorry you're feeling like it at the moment. I hope your cousin replies soon. I'm sorry I don't have very many words for you at the moment, but I just wanted to let you know I've read and I'm thinking of you xXx

[Tig]

I'm not feeling good at all. Sorry for not replying to anyone. x

[Hollz]

Thanks, well my CPN has been moaning at me every month re gambling for about the past 2 years. I recently got a new CPN, just seen her once so far but see her on Thursday this week, she comes from an addiction specialist background, so I do have her for support and also a lot of people at GA who has been instrumental in their support also. I know all they want from me is to stop and I hope I can be strong enough to do that now.

I was 24 last month and it's been nearly a decade since I was in a relationship, thats a pretty desperate thought. Don't get me wrong, I have had opportunities and flings and have slept around a hell of a lot, I've dreaded the 'so hows the love life' questions and tried to dodge so many times, but I've nt been ready. David, he may or may not be the one, he is a few years younger than me and was just recently diagnosed with mental health issues himself, he is on lithium and struggling too and it was only him I felt for when my cpn said she couldn't treat me no more as I had made progress and others needed help more, in the end I got a different cpn but days later david was like, oh I'm finally getting a cpn. I'm going to try for everyones sake to have a go, but I really don't know at the moment. We'll see.

I wanna go get some sunshine for a week, same old scenario though, no time off work and carris on placement (mental health assesment ward where I could potentially end up and have been recently) - I just going to take things a day at a time anyhow.

Thanks for your support Ash xxx

[Hollz]

Hugs for you Tig - if you need to talk, I'll be here till around 6pm

xxxx

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Lottie - what's up sweetie? Do you want to talk?

Hollz - I hope you can be strong too, and I'm glad you've got a CPN from a good background who might be able to support you through it. We're here as well, any time you need us! I understand your feelings about being in a relationship, but relationships don't have to define you. I hope it goes well for you and David, I really do, but don't push yourself for the sake of being in a relationship. I hope you understand how I mean that, I'm not trying to come across as harsh at all. *Hugs*.

Me - I'm so scared. I'm scared I've done myself damage with my OD as my period hasn't come but there's been a tiny bit of blood but I can't see any one now. I'll try and talk to my counsellor about it tomorrow and see what she advises. I'm scared though. I just want to die, why couldn't I just have died?!? Please?! I might just go through with it. It would make life so much easier.

[Hollz]

It wouldn't make life easier, just more complicated, and you really don't wanna go down that route, did you gte checked out for your od?

I have bleeding on Thursday night and really bad abdominal pain. Its gone now and wasn't my period, will remain a mystery to me. If in doubt, please go and see your gp xxx

[GrimmFaerieTale]

No I didn't get myself checked, it was such a tiny tiny amount I took, and I'm not just saying that to avoid getting it checked but it genuinely was tiny. I'll try and talk to my counsellor and see what she says. I'm just scared. Hopefully it'll be okay and my period will come soon.

[Left in the centre]

ash - sorry to hear your still feeling mixed. ig et that a lot. half the time i think its worse than being one way or the other.
i wrote that then saw your latest post - maybe your mood is shifting back again. life wouldnt be easier life would be over. theres a huge difference. what if death is jsut staying exactly how you were in life ? what then ?

hollz - its good to see your back and things are back in the positive again thats brillaint. new cpn also should help too.
re the impulsivity i think you not going home with him was a good move shows control because you could have gone.

tig (lottie ?) - hope your mood shifts soon try writing everything down then distracting yourself if you can x

me - well i have my dbt assessment on tuesday so i iintend to tell them. other than that im jsut trying to keep up with work and make an effort to see people, i know what i ahve to do its just making sure i do enough of it so i dont slip down.

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Sarah - I hope you're able to keep stuff up enough to stop yourself slipping, it's good you're able to recognise what you need to do to help yourself. If death is the same as life, at least I know I'm stuck there - whilst I'm alive, I know I've always got that option of dying, if that makes sense.

[Left in the centre]

first off. what could wil knowing your stuck there do ? it wont change anything. at least with being alive you still have support and there are still enjoyable times.. if you die in a suicidal state.. then thats that- maybe - /
but basicly death wont help. you do have good days and its hard work i know but it will pass.

[youngatheart]

Ash If I were you Id get checked out hun, even though it was a little bit. Best to be safe than sorry. And please dont think about doing it again, it will just make you feel worse and you are such a lovely person.
Lotti do you want to talk? we are herexx
Hollz Great to see you back and you seem so much more positive, thats great!!! i hope you sort the moving out and find soemoen to move with and i hope it goes well with David.
Sarah Its great you know what you need to do and I am sure you will keep up with doing itxx

[youngatheart]

Ash There will be a time you will feel better Im sure. Life is so short anyway and we wont get to see the people we love after it we die so its best to try and make the most of the short time we havexxx

[~Grace~]

Just wanted to pop in to say hi and leave some hugs xx

Ive had an expensive weekend where I have spent too much.
I may give my bank card to my husband as a way of stopping myself.

Have been having severe stomach cramps today, was almost sick in one shop.
I didnt know what to do with myself. I think its due to my anaemia, im sure it will pass

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Thank you all for the nice words. I've got a counselling appointment tomorrow evening and I've made a doctors appointment but not with the doctor I usually see. My counsellor said she would talk to them before I went though if I wanted her to which might be helpful. I'm terrified because all they'll say is I'm wasting their time as it was so long ago and so little. So scared.

Rowie - Leaving your card with your husband might be a good idea if you think you're able to do that. It's a big step, well done Would you be able to go to the doctors or A+E for the stomach cramps? Please don't leave it to chance, it may be something very serious.

**hugs to all and thank you again**

[youngatheart]

Ash you arent wasting their time hun, its what they are there for to help and check you out. And it is nice of your counsellor to have a word with them!
Rowie I agree with Ash, can you get them checked out? it might be something serious. and I think it is a good diea to give your card to your husband for a whilexx

[~Grace~]

Thank you Ash and Sam....Ive had them before but not where ive nearly been sick, my doctor knows about them and agrees its due to the anaemia. If they get worse I will make an appointment to see him. At the moment im sitting quietly and things have settled down abit.

Am sitting knitting a scarf out of wool I found in the loft, its a good distraction.....keeps my hands and mind busy xx

How are you both?

[GrimmFaerieTale]

I'm going to head to bed in a desperate attempt to keep myself safe. It won't work, I need to cut far too much but it's worth a try. Good night all, speak to you soon xXx