Triggering (Abuse) - dissociative distress thread

[Crazy Cat Lady]

I feel strange.
really weird.

[fragile as glass]

I lost the plot long ago uglyducklin so you're not alone there hun.

Just make sure you're in a safe place crazy cat lady (forgot your name sorry)

Enjoy the freedom while it lasts Laura. I'm nervous - I have a section 117 meeting tomorrow with a new MALE psychiatrist, also my wonderful social worker is handing me over to a new SW which is causing me great anxiety.

[Uglyducklin]

Hugs Liddy and Kerry. Liddy that sounds so stressful. Weird how Kerry. I'm really struggling with wanting to hurt myself and lose myself in anorexia. I feel such a failure and completely physically invaded. It's hard to pretend I'm not scared by how odd my environment feels and feeling people are near and their not. Sorry I waffled. Is it normal to feel like that? X

[fragile as glass]

It's normal for old, buried feelings to come back to the forefront cheryl. And for feelings already in the forefront to become stronger and feel almost unmanageable. Remember you are in control and it's ok to go at your own pace when doing the interview. The police should provide support for you, both practical and emotional.

[Uglyducklin]

Hope you are ok Liddy. I just feel a sense of dread at the moment. I wish I could trust what is around me it's so weird. So scared about therapy today. :(

[fragile as glass]

Ok, so the shrink was irritatingly nice. That may sound weird but its easier to hate someone than commit yourself to them. I told them that I wanted a new therapist as this one had broken my confidentiality (and I and others were safe so there was no need to break it) they said I would have to go back on the waiting list even though it wasn't my fault - the last wait for this current therapist was 18 months!!!!!!!!! So I'm preparing to wait a fu*king long time for help again which feels so unfair. I told my new SW I wasn't happy with her coz of her attitude to my animals and to my surprise she said she was glad I said that coz she disliked animals (and animals and my bf are my only reason for living) and felt another SW should take me on so now they have to see who's got room for another patient. And that means I keep my old SW a wee while longer, hooray! I'm now tired and drained.

[Uglyducklin]

Hugs Liddy I'm sorry you have to wait so long but I'm glad you get to keep your social worker and that they are finding someone who likes animals those small things help. I feel so broken right now. Xx

[Uglyducklin]

Hi guys how is everyone? Really struggling with feeling my body isn't mine and can't handle the memories and flashbacks. Really scared. Sorry to moan

[Uglyducklin]

I'm sorry to post I hope everyone is ok. Everything is dark it's so violent in my head I need the fat off. I'm ashamed to be in such a low place again :(

[Uglyducklin]

I'm losing it. My head is over run with thoughts and flashbacks. I'm crying for hours at a time. I don't know how to cope. I hate the fat. My body feels it's not my own :( sorry I hope everyone is ok x

[Mothzi]

Hope you're all ok. Teachers and students at school noticed me totally check out today and I couldn't stop acting strange apparently. I don't want to leave my room anymore, I'm not in control. :/

[Uglyducklin]

I'm sorry Mothzi that sounds scary. Is it ok if I ask a question in this thread I'm scared by some of the stuff that is happening.

[Arienette]

Sure. What's up? X

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Arienette sorry here goes. I'm a pretty low place and I keep having really bad flashbacks and suicidal thoughts. I'm feeling a lot of stuff in my body like I'm actually expanding and getting fatter and can feel them touching me and I feel like I can hear my abusers voices. People can seem too close or too far away and sound distorts. I know it's not real but it's scaring me. My eating disorders nurse said it sounded almost like psychosis? I'm really frightened. I hope this makes sense.

[Arienette]

Yeah that makes sense. I've had similar experiences before and have had a similar comment made that maybe it was psychosis. I never really got a straight answer but it could also be dissociative. I often feel like people are too close or too far away, in addition to body distortions and time warps.

I am worse when I a low too. I think when I am low I dissociate to try and deal with it but what you have been talking about, is relatable. It's scary and not nice, bury be it might help to remember it's not real. Lately I kept seeing things like I was hallucinating but I knew it wasn't true and that helped me deal with it. X

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks it felt to me more like dissociation . I just needed some reassurance. I'm so exhausted. I think I'm going to take some pro to turn my brain off. It really helped just to articulate it to someone. Thank you so much.

[Bellatrix]

I hope you're okay now love. Have a good rest and take care of yourself.

I've been struggling with dissociation recently. Grounding techniques work some of the time but the times it doesn't I do really dangerous things. I'm a bit at a loss of what to do.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks J I'm sorry that must be scary. I do find it impossible to predict my flashbacks and dissociation with the exception of some very specific triggers but then those triggers generally result in really high levels of distress that I find hard to bring myself out of it. My trauma psychologist is really cold and she gets annoyed and says I don't try hard enough. I'm reeling really as I failed treatment. Sorry this is a tad rants :(

[Uglyducklin]

I'm sorry me again with another question. Can flashbacks happen in your body like the sensations but you still be aware of your surroundings? I feel like this is happening a lot and it's scaring me. I'm worried I'm a freak.

[Arienette]

I don't have flashbacks but from what I've read about dissociation and toss that is entirely plausible. I imagine it is like when you dissociate but you're still aware, it's like a halfway dissociation rather than a full blown episode: if that makes sense?

X