WOW i just read this all from the start has taken several hours but it was well worth it ur a brilliant writer and i hope there is more to come take care of yourself *sits patiently hoping for more*
Thankyou for all the kind comments, and thankyou for your patients, I am having important exams at the moment so my writing time is limited but hope to update soon.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
So Katy had an unexpected burst of creativity (or desire to avoid maths revision ) so here we are, a brand new installement.
The next day sent a buzz of excitement zipping through the unit, giving a much needed leg up to all of our spirits. New staff members were to be chosen soon, and we were to be given the chance to be an interview panel, and, it was promised, that our input would be taken largely into consideration. Dillon taking charge, we set about making up questions, with various staff members intervening when the questions became inappropriate. We had hours of arguments over whether or not it was reasonable to demand each potential staff member played the karaoke game sing star, eventually admitting defeat with many mumblings and grumblings.
Some of the students who were on temporary placements with us already were going up for the job, including Mick and Andi. As we filed into the living room we gave them awkward smiles, silently apologising if we didn’t pick them for the job. Dillon opened the questions as I surveyed the interviewees. Staff is, I think, probably more important in a unit than almost anywhere else; these are the people who will be with you day in day out, control your life, be responsible for your safety, the people who can make you laugh or cry, the people charged with guiding you through whatever unbearable thoughts and feelings brought you in to the unit in the first place. They could be saviours with kind words and a calm hand, or drive nails into the coffin blow by blow with a hammer of indifference or cruelty.
The nearest interviewee to me was a thin faced, rather sharp looking woman, with a look of shifting nervousness that I found off putting. She failed to respond to Dillon’s request for her to tell a joke and admitted her only experience was as a secretary in a mental health office. The man next to her had elaborate tattoos up and down his arms, a friendly relaxed smile and years of experience, though only with adults. Despite this all of us warmed to him, and he promised to personally beat Dillon at chess if he ever got the job. Sitting along from these two were several unremarkable and unmemorable candidates, then Andi biting her lip but answering with her usual calm and caring manner to questions about how she would deal with someone who had self harmed and so on. Finally we turned to Mick. Dillon grinned at him, then asked him the series of serious questions ending with a request for a joke. Mike smiled sheepishly then turned to the staff and asked “Can it be a bit rude?” Gina shook her head, so Mick responded “No I can’t then,” making us all laugh, patients, staff and candidates alike.
After the meeting we voted on who we would choose and as we left the room, Dillon and Gina asked if I would be willing to do the interview for a candidate who would be arriving tomorrow, who usually worked at the unit as a student, but had been on holiday so I hadn’t met her, which they both thought would improve the objectivity for her interview. I nodded and agreed, walking off to think of the questions I would be asking.
Passing the side of the staircase, I found Joseph crouched in the space under the stairs, seeming on the verge of tears. “What’s wrong?” I asked tentatively, crouching down to see him. Joseph took a calming breath then said with false nonchalance “They’re kicking me out tomorrow. They say I’m not trying or using the unit appropriately, so I’ve packed my bags, and I have to leave tomorrow.” He bowed his head. I resisted the instinct to reach out for him, something telling me he would not want to be touched. “Not that I care or anything I hate this ****ing youth prison camp,” he said with venom, using our private nickname for the unit. “It’s just…” he paused, clicking his lighter on and off, on and off. “It’s just, I thought if I stayed, I might have a chance…”
Last edited by Buttons. : 18-05-2009 at 03:50 PM.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Woah.....
YAY UNEXPECTED LITERARY TREAT!
Woot for hatred of maths!Ive got an exam in a coupla hours and this is like a present you never saw coming!
is lovely and thought provoking and emotional all at the same time.
*pounces on kat---->Y<------ and hugs lots*
I returned to my room dejected and brooding after my conversation with Joseph. Sliding onto my bed I lay back and thought hard about my own prospects for recovery. They seemed incredibly slim, and looking at my thoughts honestly and objectively, I was damn sure that I didn’t want to try and fail aiming for the unattainable goal of recovery again. I’d been through that enough times, and each time the fall was harder and more battering and bruising than the last. I had no intention of putting myself through that again.
Another thought slipped into my mind before I could stop it, followed by a hoard of insecurities and misgivings. The unit staff didn’t care about me, they were sending me out into the world despite my obvious lack of recovery, and, so far as I was concerned sending me out to die, without a care in the world. My parents I knew did not want me home, they wanted me to stay in the unit, feeling they were unable to cope. Most of the rest of the family wasn’t talking to me, only one friend had come and visited me in the unit and apart from Em, not one of the patients seemed especially perturbed by the fact that I would be leaving. As such, I drew the not altogether accurate conclusion that no one gave a damn.
Desperately wanting to prove this theory wrong, I grabbed the present mum and I had picked out and carefully wrapped to give to the patients staying in the unit, an up to date loud Bop-it game which would give them hours of fun, and the staff hours of headaches. I took the present downstairs where I found most of the patients lounging around the pool table. I held out my hand with the present in it to Dillon, offering it t him. “I thought I’d give this to you all now, before I forget, as I’m going the day after next. Matt the nurse smiled at me, then his eyes flickered over Dillon, lingering over something. I saw it at the same moment as he did, the small spreading red stain on Dillon’s football shirt arm. Matt stood up and asked Dillon what it was. Dillon through the present aside with a clang, and fled the room. I stashed the present away in the visitors’ room with a sigh then joined Em and the others at the window. Dillon was going berserk, upturning the massive bins, kicking anything in sight.
My heart breaking at the sight of sweet peaceful Dillon in such a state I returned to my room where I stayed with the exception of meals until the evening. After snack had been delivered and eaten, I slunk downstairs and procured a bag of chip stick crisps and a large mug of tea and was my custom, sat alone at the deserted dining room table and dipped the chip sticks into the tea before eating them. While I was engaged in this practise, swirling my tea gloomily with a chip stick, I heard the door open and shut with the usual beep, and Alice materialised in the doorway, unwinding her long scarf and complaining loudly about the weather. She stopped short when she saw me and smiled warmly, a gesture I couldn’t bring myself to return, even for Alice. With a small sympathetic sigh she dropped into the seat beside me. I found myself talking quickly, blurting out almost everything in my head without thinking, desperate for Alice to understand, to help me organise my head a little. Unfortunately, before I could stop myself, I had blurted out the plan I had spent the afternoon and evening formulating, a plan to run away before they had a chance to kick me out.
Alice frowned and gently tried to persuade me that that course of action would do me no good but I was angry and hurting and unable to listen to sense. I rose to return my mug and bin the crisp packet and stalked off, hiding in the art room away from everybody else. After a while of hiding out, I hoped that Alice having left me to it and not come to fetch me or sent anyone to check up on me meant that she had forgotten or decided to let go the running away idea. Quietly I took the less used of the doors into the hallway, running bang into Alice. I mentally sized the situation up. I could push past her and run I was sure, as though she was taller than me she was skinny and wiry. Then I looked beyond her. Nick stood in front of the door, arms crossed in front of his chest, his muscular form impossible to bypass.
Alice linked her arm through mine, pressing me against the warmth of her body. “Katy, lets just go upstairs ok?” I tore my arm out of her grasp.
“I’m leaving,” I snapped, “And you can’t stop me.” Nick made a slight movement forward and I stepped back, fear and anger and desperation all fighting for precedence in my head. “Katy please listen to me,” said Alice coaxingly. “If you try to leave, we will restrain you and stop you from doing that. Please don’t make us do that to you?” She had the grace to sound embarrassed at the threat but looked me straight in the eye, making it clear she meant it. I glared at her, my feelings of betrayal and panic rising. I couldn’t get out, she was keeping me here, she told, I couldn’t get out oh god I couldn’t get out I was trapped…
Frozen I tried to slow my racing thoughts. I wanted to leave. If I ran and fought there might be a chance of that happening. Was that realistic though, really? Two grown adults against me, with beepers on their belts that could have the rest of the staff in the hallway in seconds. And the thought of human beings holding me, making me unable to move made my insides cringe with horror. I hated any kind of unwanted touch right down to an accidental brush of the shoulder. I couldn’t handle people holding me back against my will, I just couldn’t. Glaring at Alice and Nick I turned and disappeared up the stairs to my room, trying hard to think of another plan. I could try running down later at night…but the nurses would be out on the night station. I pondered plans and problems with my plans for most of the night before finally dropping off to sleep.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
yeyyey 2 installments can i say i think they should have made the intervieweess go on the singstar!!!!!
*huggles* amazing as always :D
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
You cant prove anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHOCKING missuse of modly power. *Pokes you with stick*
And now ladies and gentlemen the final installement for the evening:
The next morning I awoke with a plan fully formed. I searched through my mind for any trace of doubts, any niggle of guilt or a last lingering drop of optimism. I found none. Carefully I left my head, brushed my teeth, put on my face and brushed through my hair with long, elaborate strokes. Then I made my way downstairs and enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, smiling and laughing as though I hadn’t a care in the world. Which beyond setting the plan in motion, I didn’t.
Shortly after breakfast I again checked the hall, this time finding it blissfully empty. Taking a quick glance left and right, I reached out a shaking hand and turned the handle of the door. The minute the beeping went off to indicate my leaving, I ran. Ran as though hungry hounds were at my heels, ran with exhilaration, ran towards the freedom that would soon, surely be mine. Arriving at the supermarket at the end of the road I took a few seconds to compose myself and let my breathing even out, and ran through the plan in my head. Buy the pills, take the pills as quickly as possible then hide as far away as I could run, and wait for the inevitable to happen.
Satisfied, I entered the shop, walking strongly and purposefully towards the far end where the neat boxes of pills sat waiting. I bought my lot, and power walked to the shop entrance. Where I caught sight of Sandra, a nurse with curly hair, kindly eyes and a stern expression stood waiting. I made to bolt but she caught hold of my arm. Realising that even if I did jerk free and run now, she would have the police after me in the direction I had gone before you could say ‘screwed’ I resigned myself to walking along side her, looking longingly at the traffic from time to time, then realising that the cars were going too slow, no way would they do the job. As we turned into the driveway of the unit a spark of an idea ignited inside me. The pills were in my pocket. Sandra hadn’t noticed the pills. I could just tell her I really wanted some fresh air or a break from the unit or something. Then if I fobbed her off well enough, I could go up to my room, take the pills, and by the time they twigged hopefully it would be too late. Grinning slightly inside I allowed Sandra to usher me in through the front door.
I fed her the running away for fresh air and a break story and she swallowed it whole. Until I turned away to escape up the stairs, and her eyes lit upon the incriminating rectangular bulge in my jeans pocket. “What’s that Katy?” she asked, eyes boring into me.
“Nothing,” I said as nonchalantly as I could, again making for the stairs. Sandra blocked my way. “What have you got in your pocket?” she asked again.
“I said nothing,” I repeated, betraying myself with a raise in my voice and a not quite concealed trace of anger.
At that moment Kit rounded the corner, looking from Sandra to me and back again curiously. “Can I ask what’s going on?” she asked. I moaned inwardly. Kit was freakishly perceptive and also one of the people in charge of the unit. If I didn’t want anyone to get involved it would be her. “Katy’s brought us a present from her little excursion,” announced Sheryl meaningfully. Kit nodded. “Great I love presents! Hand it over then Kate.” I moved backwards and let a cold “No,” slide easily off my tongue. Kit sighed.
“Come in here then Kate,” she said, gesturing to the empty community meeting room. I hung back, still glancing covertly at the door, trying to figure out if I had a chance of getting out and getting far enough away to do damage before I was caught. “I wouldn’t,” said Kit in a friendly jovial manner as though we were discussing whether to have chips for tea. I frowned at her and followed her into the room.
The round bright room mocked my dark and dangerous mood. I curled up on a chair away from Kit, and offered her my most severe scowl as she inched her chair nearer. “Now I need you to give me whatever is in your pocket,” she said, a rare serious edge to her eyes.
“There’s nothing important in there,” I lied vehemently.
“So I suppose you have a mars bar in your pocket then?” inquired Kit. I shrugged. “Because If it was just a mars bar, you would have shown be now, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” I turned my glare up a notch. “Now I’m guessing,” she went on, that it’s pills, and I am 100% sure that it is something you shouldn’t have in your possession. So I need you to hand it over to me.” I shook my head.
“Come on Kate, don’t let this happen so close to your leaving.” I ignored her. “You do realise if you keep hold of those I will have to put you on arms length observations, not even just one to ones.”I felt my foot begin to shake involuntarily at the thought of arms length observations. One to one’s had been horrible enough, and I had gotten used to the freedom of half hour observations since then. Still, without those pills, I would most likely spend the remaining day and a half in the unit under careful observation, and then return home to even stricter watching. I couldn’t stand that. So long as I could hold onto the pills, I had a chance of taking them and making it end. “I can see that that foot wants to give me the tablets,” said Kit. I clamped my hand over my foot, stilling the shaking.
“Katy I’m going to give you a last chance to give me the tablets, or whatever it is you have in your pocket.” I stared stonily at her. “Ok,” she sighed vacating her chair and moving towards the door. Half way there, she did a mock Egyptian dance, reaching behind her with her left hand for the pills. I almost smiled despite myself, but then she repeated her threat of arms length observations, and the smile dyed before it even reached my lips.
At the door Kit leaned out, still keeping an eye on me, much to my frustration, I had been hoping for a few moments of distraction to get some of the pills down my throat. “Gina,” she called out of the doorway. “Can you come and watch Katy for me for a while; I need to do some paperwork.” My insides squirmed as I heard Gina approach, I felt babysat and patronised. I listened without appearing to as Kit explained the situation to Gina, and instructed her that I was now on arms length observations, and wasn’t to leave this room for the time being, while she did the paperwork regarding the change in observations. Gina nodded grimly then came and sat down in the chair right beside me. I resisted the urge to shift; I knew it was useless, though I hated being so close to someone I hadn’t had longer to get to trust.
“You seem uncomfortable,” commented Gina.
“Wouldn’t you be?” I retorted, giving her the evil eye.
“You know it’s not too late, I don’t think Kit is going upstairs straight away, we could still grab her if you wanted to give her the pills and avoid these observations.” I let my face go blank and impassive. Gina sighed, and returned to silence. About five to ten minutes later, though it seemed like much longer, Kit reappeared at the door. She popped her head round and asked “Have we had a change of heart yet?” I shook my head and stared straight ahead. “Right then,” said Kit, seeming unperturbed, leaving the room once more; shutting the door behind her. Another stretch of time passed and then I had another visitor, in the shape of the head of the unit, Carol. “What’s going on then Katy?” she asked as she took a seat in the room, exchanging a worn smile with Gina. “Isn’t it obvious?” I muttered. Carol ignored this.
“You won’t be able to take the tablets or use whatever it is you’ve got on arms length observations anyway, Katy, you might as well save yourself the bother and hand it over.” I fell back into my impression of a blank wall. Carol tried a few more times, pointing out that while my stubbornness could be an asset, in this case it really wasn’t doing me any favours. I sat, blank faced, trying to ignore the roaring rage boiling in my stomach. Why couldn’t they just leave me the hell alone? Why did Sandra have to follow me to the supermarket? Why did they care what I did, they didn’t care if I lived or died… Finally Carol rose and left with a sigh and a disappointed expression that only added fuel to the fire.
Kit appeared one more time to try and persuade me to change my mind before she went upstairs to get on with the paperwork. “I really am going this time,” she finished warningly. I stayed stony. Listening to Kit’s footsteps as she clambered up the stairs I shrank in on myself, trying my hardest to pretend that Gina wasn’t there, right by my side, watching every movement I made. I allowed a few minutes to pass, then as slowly as possible, behind my crossed knees, withdrew the packet of pills a few centimetres. Just enough to get a few pills out and take them, hopefully without Gina noticing. No such luck. Half way through the process Gina spotted what I was doing, and ordered me to stop. “What if I don’t?” I said defiantly.
“I have the rest of the staff in here helping me restrain you before you can say what,” Gina said coldly. I left the tablets where they were.
Sunlight was streaming into the room now, making the temperature uncomfortably hot. “Which window opens?” I asked Gina, under the realistic guise of being uncomfortably hot. I figured if I knew which window opened I could make a run for it. U fortunately for me Gina was two steps ahead of my feeble plots for freedom. “Never you mind,” she said sharply. I moaned about the heat for a while, trying to persuade her, but she blanked me so successfully that she almost blended in with the wall behind her.
I sat back, brooding on my situation and felt a niggling pain in my side. I have always been prone to stress related pains so I thought nothing more of it, until minutes later it became agony like I had never known. I yelped and leapt off my seat. Gina rose to be nearer to me, her eyes heavy with suspicion. “What’s wrong?” she asked dispassionately. “My side,” I gasped, “It’s hurting so bad…” I moved around a little, trying to ease the pain. “You need to stay within arms length of me,” reminded Gina coolly. In too much pain to object or even feel angry I edged closer to her as I squirmed against the sharp, stabbing pain. As the pain went on Gina asked, a look of slight concern now “Do you want me to get a doctor?” I shook my head. The pain was lessening ever so slightly, and I recognised it as a severe form of my usual stress induced aches and pains. Within ten minutes or so I was able to sit down without too much pain, I settled back into my chair, doubling over every now and then as another spike drove through my side, but otherwise, relatively pain free.
As the pain dissolved I was brought back with a bump to my predicament. I tried once more to get a few tablets at a time out of my pocket. Again Gina noticed and warned me off. I sank back in my seat, letting out a groan as Gina switched seats to be on the side of me as where the tablets sat safe in my pocket.
Soon afterwards Kellie, one of the first nurses had met when I had first arrived at the unit appeared carrying a tray of tomato soup and bread, and told Gina she could go, she would be taking over my observations for a while. Kellie made to sit down on my right and Gina spoke “I would sit on the other side of her if I were you,” directing her to the side my tablets were on. I glared at Gina. One she had left Kellie asked me if I wanted to tell her why Gina wanted her to sit on that side. I shrugged and turned my attention to my soup. One thing I learnt in my time on arms length observations was that soup is the most embarrassing thing to eat whilst being scrutinised by the person next to you. Any slight spill or miss you make, every bit of tomato that stains your mouth, or crumbs of bread that fall into your lap, the person observing notices, and you can feel the weight of their judgement with every bite you take.
Hungry as I was I ate the soup regardless, pausing only to ask why I couldn’t have my lunch with everybody else, considering Kellie would be so close to me. “It’s distressing for the other patients, seeing someone who needs watching so carefully, and if they caught sight of the box of pills in your pocket.” My stomach gave an unpleasant jolt. I felt segregated and more than a little lonely. I fingered the top of the box of pills, wondering whether they really were worth all this…
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
) so here we are, a brand new installement.
