Self soothing helps a little. Have my new fluffy blanket and my cuddly toys and fidget toys. Made myself massala chai which was delicious. And am cosy on the sofa. Still feel like something is worth but I survive
Feeling very vulnerable and scared still. And been feeling detached from reality / dissociated which made the fear that someone is going to get to me and hurt me stronger/ more real..
Had a flashback last night while on the phone to crisis charity. I haven't had a flashback to that time of my life for at least a year, thought I had settled the bullying related trauma. It's been flashbacks to hospital trauma stuff instead. And so this was extra unsettling.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger bullying / physical abuse
In the flashback I could feel the Bully's hands on my throat and it felt so real. Helpline person really helped talk me out of it though
Meant to be talking to my parents this evening. Debating whether to try calling helpline again before then as I tried calling them earlier but had a non epileptic seizure while.on the call so didn't really resolve anything just triggered myself.
I called helpline again after chatting to my parents but didn't find it helped calm things down. I felt like I was going around in circles and making things worse and didn't vibe with the guy today. He has been helpful before, maybe he is more helpful for non trauma stuff.Maybe when I am vulnerable and afraid a man's voice is too scary? Don't know.
It's good that I am less suicidal and been having less self harm urges and haven't acted on them. Been 4 days since I did any form of self harm haven't even bit or scratched. The fidget toys help with that. Although a small part of me is annoyed I am feeling less suicidal/ like harming because means I might not get support when finally see CMHT and what if it all comes back? Plus it's been like a week since I decided not to kill myself not picture of stability.
Think I am starting to access some of the emotion and experience things a bit but it's all jumbled up. Was scared cos hospital but scared means childhood stuff so back up it comes. So scared I want to run, not to get away from my head but to get away from whatever is after me. But nothing and noone is after me. And I am safer in my warm cosy flat than out on the cold streets it just doesn't feel that way. Constant vigilance.
Last edited by long road : 10-11-2023 at 12:50 AM.
It's horrible being so scared even in a place where you should feel safe like your own home. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Keep talking to people when you need to, I know that it is usually at least a little helpful for you. I'm glad that some things have eased, please try not to worry about how the CMHT will react. Is there a safe way you can face and explore your fears or are you trying to push them all away right now?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am losing my adult self and going back to being a scared kid and that scared kid has a lot of emotions they never expressed or understood. I want to run away but am managing not to for now. Logically I know it wouldn't stop anything, I carry the fear and the distress with me. But none of this is logical. I shiwered instea did sneaking out this morning because I knew showering and washing my hair and drying off and getting dressed would take up a big chunk of time and be a good distraction.
Talking usually helps with suicidal and self harm thoughts / urges. Doesn't seem to work so well with fear/ vulnerability. I think it's because I find it harder to trust when I feel vulnerable like that and because I am more unsure.
Tried ringing CMHT to ask where my referral is at but the line was busy. At this point I will be surprised if I get an assessment before December. Which is not on. Talking to my neuropsychogist again on Thursday next week maybe he can get an update for me.
Not trying to push them away or box them up but don't know how to explore them safely either and seem to be dissociating a lot on autopilot.
I'm sorry nothing seems to be helping and your mind is having to resort to dissociation. I'm not in a place where I can think properly, sorry, so don't know if my response is worth anything but wanted to reply. I hope it's helpful to talk to your neuropsychologist again although Thursday is a bit of a while away. Please keep doing your best to stay safe.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Appreciate the support. And please don't push yourself too hard trying to help me when you are struggling yours lf.
I self harmed. It's minor. I feel stupid about it. Reached out first but I didn't find it helpful. More detail in RV. But I feel like an attention seeking idiot. And now I feel like I have to either harm more or shut down. And having had reaching out fail once I don't feel able to r ach out again.
I don't think that's attention seeking at all. You had a strong reaction after not feeling heard and I think sometimes we just go right ahead and act on something instead of considering things when we are met with something challenging and unhelpful. Why do you feel your only options now are to harm more or shut down? Can you try and think of other things you could give a go? It is frustrating and upsetting when you don't get the support you need but if you need to reach out again please do as long as it wouldn't make things worse if you didn't click with someone again.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Because I tried distractions and failed so will just continue to fail if I try again, so should harm and just cut out the waiting part. Or if keeping safe is that important shut down and blank out the world and shut off from emotions and feeling and emotional pain. But then I guess if I shut off that hard I am not really in control anyway.
And because if I ring first response again and explain I failed then worried they will judge me and don't want to criticise their colleague to them. But charity crisis line isn't open until 12pm on weekends.
You might not fail if you try distractions again. And the waiting might actually help to reduce your feeling of needing to self harm. I think it's worth a try. I understand the shutting down thing but I agree that it's not really being in control. I'm sure a lot of people call helplines and find some people unhelpful and don't manage to stay safe. It's ok to try again.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Called First Response. Almost got an ambulance called on me twice during the call, first time because of not being sure I could keep myself safe and not wanting to go to A&E cos it's a trigger, second time cos had a non Epileptic seizure while on the phone to them and they panicked but I dragged myself back in time to explain didn't need one. But when they asked what we had been talking about before the seizure I didn't know. So they were unsure I could stick to safety plan on my own if I was forgetting it. And panicking about seizures in general.
They debated with their clinical lead and basically if didn't want ambulance had to go wake up partner so he could look after me both from an FND and a self harm perspective.
Which meant I was basically forced to tell partner about self harm and what I used.
Meant to call them back in a hour. Have laid down and might try and sleep. If I am asleep guess I will call when wake up.
Last edited by long road : 11-11-2023 at 01:28 PM.
I slept for like 2 hours. Debating if I need to call them back or I feel safe enough without doing so.
I got taken seriously earlier which was good but at same time taken a bit too seriously and slightly threatened with ambulances into doing things.
Getting partner involved makes sense from their perspective and he is good at looking after me. But I don like that I was basically forced to tell him I self harmed and that the person told him all the details about self hamr that I had told them.
I do feel a bit safer post nap.
EDIT: I phoned first response , got through super quick but the person who I spoke to first today and didn't find that helpful answered and I chickened out and hung up. Like she might have been more helpful this time but I was indecisive in whether I needed to call.
Last edited by long road : 11-11-2023 at 04:46 PM.
Reason: Added a bit
It's good that you can access this support regularly. At least you know that. I would hate to be forced to tell someone what had happened though, how did your partner react and do you feel any better about him being there for you?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The First Response lot are a crisis team so can only call them when feeling unsafe like I might self harm or having strong suicidal thoughts. But most of them are pretty good.And it's a 25/6 service. They are one of the NHS urgent mental health helpline things they have in England.
I mean technically when I went to wake up partner while on the phone to her on speaker and she asked me to tell him what happened this morning I could have said I don't want to to go into details but I have a feeling it wouldn't have gone down well. Partner was chill about it and reacted in a caring way. He did get out of me what I used as a tool though.
That does sound like a good service, I suppose you could likely call if you were unsure if how you were feeling would lead to self harm too to talk things through and try and prevent it.
Well done for being honest with your partner despite your feelings of not wanting to do it. I'm glad he is there for you. I know it can be hard to share things with people close to us but he does sound like a good support and someone who genuinely cares and wants to be there for you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
We are lucky to have it. It didn't used to be a thing. Think it started in 2020.
He is a good support when I let him in. And we care about each other lots. Been together just over a decade.
I phoned the charity helpline as had lots of feelings but didn't have self harm urges and the charity is for emotional support. It helped a bit but accidentally triggered myself and had a seizure Nd had to stop talking and rest.
I canrt wait for today to be over it's really sucked
I am not sure I am safe. But I also don't want to deal with the threats of ambulances. I know there is an in between where we safety plan but I don't know. Staying in bed for now, considering my options.
Ended up falling asleep without taking my meds last night so no antipsychotics. Bit late to take them now as they have a sedative effect but today could be extra fun...
Going to try lying back down and resting. As I am still pretty wiped out.
