Kerry, sweetie, you ARE traumatized. People are wrong when they say that you're overreacting, taking it to heart too much, dwelling on negative things, etc... when you've been through what you've been through, it's difficult not to dwell on the negative especially with depression/anxiety/etc. acting up. I don't know if you have any formal diagnoses or whatever (they don't matter all that much anyway), but... there's something going on besides just being traumatized. I forget, do you have a psych or a therapist?
How are you in trouble? *gentle hugs*
I think you are very brave and strong for getting up each morning and continuing on in what seems to be a nightmare.
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
i dont have any official diagnosis...and ive only just been to a psychologist twice recently...i dont have regular appointments either cause they are so booked out. my friends dont understand...they all think he is great and im exaggerating...im in trouble cause im the one that gets blamed for the marraige problems cause im too difficult, dont trust people and i cant seem to answer the questions when asked...my mind goes somewhere else...i can hear their voices in the distance and the room goes all hazy...i dont know why im reacting like this...im so scared :(
*hugs Becci & Kerry* Becci, glad you made the effort after all. :) Sounds yummilicious (om nom nom? :P). How are you feeling?
Kerry, I'm so sorry to hear about your friends. Abusers often - in fact, very often - present a false front to people they want to impress. That's how so many people get into relationships with them... they can seem oh so charming until you've gotten to know them well and are "stuck" in a relationship with them. I wish I could do more to help... is there any way that you can see a therapist or a social worker? because that might help, be able to talk to someone who can truly help you IRL. *more hugs*
I'm kind of blah. I have my iPod turned on shuffle and am trying my hardest to ignore the food that's all around. Carbs, carbs, carbs!!! I am not doing what my nutritionist wanted me to, either - keep a food diary. I am currently 2 days behind, which really isn't good. :( I feel like rubbish. It's going to take some work to get into the habit.
I have a cuppa in front of me... spiced apricot looseleaf tea. Mmmmm. Calorie-free too. :P My mum is having some as well - it's nice to have another tea drinker in the house. My husband drinks tea but only when it's before bed and no coffee is allowed (lol). I love coffee but have been avoiding it as it makes so so anxious. I'm on 4mg Klonopin/day and I'm STILL anxious. Stupid body. Stupid mind. Stupid me. :(
I'm kind of bummed out. My husband bought me this really cute sweatshirt that I love... it is pinkish red and has Snoopy on it, dancing and singing, and there's music notes all over (I love music and am a musician). The only problem is, it doesn't fit. It's a zip-up hoodie and the shoulders are a bit tight and it doesn't close 'round the middle. I feel so tubby!!!! *cries* It should be in the right size, too... but it's not. I feel like sh*t whenever I think about it... I'm so big and ugly it's nasty. :(
Anyway. Tea is yum and so is VitaminWater.
Am I stupid? :(
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Sorry for not saying it earlier, Katie, but I agree with Irene. Your shelving unit looks awesome, especially with all the stuff on it - so cosy!! Wish my apartment looked that nice... hehe. :) And funky too. Maybe someday...
Yeh, Irene, it's been emotional. Very bad. It's a bit helpful knowing that the food is just Christmas, but the bulimic urges aren't going away when Christmas ends. I wish I could make them go away, but I fear that I can't... and I don't want to recover just yet, I don't think... I dunno, don't really want to slide down any further really but am also TERRIFIED of getting healthy. :(
And my anxiety is horrific... I think it has to do with the med change that I'm on now (Geodon to Abilify) somewhat, but I also think that it's just ramped up for no reason. If that makes sense, anyway. Ugh. I hate anxiety... I hate panic attacks... it all sucks so much. :( I miss my coffee but I don't like decaf, so oh well. I haven't had it in ages, and I'm a little pissed that my husband gets to drink about 4 cups of it a day and it hardly affects him at all. And we have flavored creamer for it that he gets to use and I don't. Oh well, lol, stupid reasons for being upset.
I'm still feeling crappy. I just want to go home... but I'm scared that what my husband got me, if it's clothes, isn't going to fit like the sweatshirt. I feel so effing fat!! and it's an awful feeling, and it feels like one that no one understands. I know my mum would as she has/had an eating disorder... but she/we doesn't/don't talk about it. There are so many secrets in my parents' marriage... I used to think it was so healthy but now looking at it from a married perspective... it's not. Otherwise my dad would challenge my mum and make her eat proper meals, or eat more properly, etc.
<sigh> My family is so messed up. But then again, probably so is everyone's. Maybe. :-/
*hugs and chocolates to everyone who wants them*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*cuddles Irene back* Thanks love. Needed that. :) And yeh, a big dog would make me feel safe, too!! :) How old is he and what's his name? oh, and what kind of dog is he? I'm more of a cat person - we have a nearly 1 year old kitten (cat?) named Daniel, got him at the SPCA in June - a grey tabby - but I love dogs too. :) Grew up with 3 of them.
Katie, will go look for photos. :) Room reorganization is awesome... we just did some rearranging in our apartment and moved the dining room table from the dining room (which wasn't being used due to Daniel wanting to poop on the carpet in there - really weird, as he doesn't poop outside his litterbox anywhere else) into the kitchen. I like it a lot better. :) But anyway, RAMBLE, sorry. :-X Oh, and watermelon juice sounds tasty. Do enjoy!! :D
Becci, how you doing?? *hugs*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Nope. Still here. I had a super hot deep bath last night, so I really ought to go easy on the hot water from now on! But then again... Maybe later. All my books are actually on shelves now! Miracle!
I'm still thirsty though. All that dust!
Awww, the pics were really cute, Irene. My family liked them too. ;) They're more dog people than I am... hehe. And that's funny about your "manthing" :P being named Daniel too. :)
Just ate Christmas lunch... am STUFFED now and there is still dessert. I feel really awful... want to purge so badly, relieve the pressure in my stomach, even though I don't THINK I ate a huge amount. Ugh. I hate this.
We're going to be going home shortly... yessss. I am so looking forward to that... cuddling Daniel, unloading Christmas gifts, relax, play WoW, whatever. :)
*hugs everyone*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*gentle cuddles* I hate the dark too. Never am sure what's going to happen then. Why do you feel scared/on edge?
Am frustrated now with my husband. I just asked him if he's nearly ready to go yet, and he said, "No." Emphatically. I just want to go home!! It's nice here at my parents' but I want my apartment, my kitten, my everything. My independence. :( He didn't even give reasons for not being ready to go. And I HATE getting into tiffs/arguments in front of my parents.
Oh well.
*needs hugs*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
I'm off to have a bath soon. Bath and read. Then sleep. I need to get out tomorrow. See if I can find somewhere open that sells lamps or, failing that, a lighter shade for my main bulb.
*hugs Katie* We left about an hour and a half ago... it's good to be home. My husband did finally explain why he didn't want to go yet, which was good, otherwise I was going to get even more angry. Heh.
So we're at home. Exchanged Christmas gifts here as we didn't want to at my parents' house... I gave him a tshirt from my uni, some peppermint bark made nearby, and *cough* a pair of boxers. He gave me a Hello Kitty tshirt from Hot Topic that has a v-neck... it's very low-cut, very un-me but I kind of like it anyway. It makes me look thinner, kind of, and maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to like my curves a little better? :-/ Not sure if that's good or not...
Daniel was SO GLAD to see us when we got home!! but he had unplugged my monitor (lol) so I couldn't figure out why my monitor wasn't coming back to life when I wiggled my mouse. :P It was funny really, but a little worrying at first before my husband diagnosed the problem. Hehe. Silly cat. Now he's in my lap pawing at my hair - or trying to, as it's tied back. :) He makes me happy. Animals make me happy.
Tomorrow we - my husband, sister, and I - will be going to hit post-Christmas sales. Woohoo. Mostly to get my sister stuff for her 8 weeks in Central America, but I am hoping to go to Old Navy and Hot Topic as well... however, in an unfamiliar mall, I'm not sure if we'll actually do that. :-/ Oh well. :)
Oh and Katie, have fun shopping tomorrow. :) Good luck finding what you need. Also, what are you reading now? what kinds of books do you like to read? I am a bookworm... am always reading SOMETHING or other. :)
*hugs everyone*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
i've been in bed most of the day because this cold is really dragging me down, but did get up and make myself nut roast with roast veg and yorkie pud, which was divine, but i made enough for about 5 people not just me so i'm going to be having left overs for a while!
after eating i put on a film but ended up falling asleep after my giant meal but am now awake (obviously) however sleeping on a full stomach never fails to make me feel sick! oops!
today has been pretty low key for me but its been rather nice having no expectations. the dogs have had treats and are curled up on their bed next to my bed sleeping...
i did manage to accidentally stab myself in the finger..was tuning the guitar from the corner of the room and not paying a huge amount of attention and tightened it a bit too much... the string sprung out like a whip and hit me straight in the pinkie..... it really hurt as it went quite deep, but didn't bleed for a huge amount of time, however my pinkie is now swollen, and Very bruised radiating from the entry point >.< silly i am!
thinking i may sup on another snowball to try make myself feel less eeeergh from sleeping on a full tummy.
No snow here, just frost, it started forming about 3pmish so it was pretty cold...but i've not been out..i forgot to stock up on cigarettes so i've had no need to go downstairs!
Sister an kids just gone home and i am absolutely shattered!
Btu good news is i rang the ward and said i was feeling fine and everything and when did they want me back and they said I could stay out till tomorrow afternoon yay! 2 nights in my own bed eeee.
oh oh oh i got some ace pjs. You know the ones you have when you a kid, the all in one suit with the feet in (kinda like a romper suit) lol. might have to take pics later.
